Lost the spark

[Dabigjoker]

Hi Im new and I really just need some advice and someone to talk to.I will like to start by saying Im 22 and have been in a relationship with my gf for 8 years.  about a week ago she came to me and said that she is not in love with me any more and wanted to break up.  when I asked her to explain she said " I love you and I am happy and but I don't always feel as strongly as I used to"  when she said that it sounded more like she had lost the spark.  I remember I went through the same thing  years ago but never told her but realized later that it was a phase.  I looked it up later and found out it comes and goes.  This is her first time experiencing this and she thinks it means the relationship has run it coarse.  I tell her that its normal to feel that way and that it is most likely a phase.  The problem is that she is not much of a thinker or self aware.  Dont get me wrong, she is a smart woman and she just graduated from college.  She has been suffering for 2 months about this and never said anything to me ( I thought everything was ok) and tried to fix it herself.  The other problem is that she said the feelings did comeback for a little while in those 2 months but she didn't think of why or what we were doing at the time and she feels like its hopeless.

We dont live together and she has three part-time job.  We are able to see each other 1-2 times a week but dont always get to go out. she can be very private with others and refuse to ask for help, which I think could have helped

I really love her and she loves me. she even says she would always want me in her life.  I guess my question are am I being to optimistic thinking this is just a lost spark? Is it normal for the spark to be gone for 2 months, am I too late? how should I go about this situation?  Please be honest even if you have to be harsh.  I am not afraid of constructive criticism.

[perch101]

Hi laleaham, just to let you know you've posted on an old post - Dabigjoker last posted about 2 years ago.
If you want to post to somone and want them to read what you see, post on posts on the first page of medhelp and check the date :-)

[laleaham]

I would just like to say that every relationship goes through a "down time" or a stagnant time. You can fix that by doing things that will spark your "in love" feelings for each other again.
I have done enough research that I can say, it's possible. Go online and check it out!

[peaceinknowing]

I agree with the posts and advice you've received here -- Especially when one of the members mentioned that it's either [long-term] commitment or move on. As a woman, I speak for myself when I tell you that after being with someone for eight long years, I sort of expect a ring on my finger, and not because I think they look pretty. A lot of times, when you're able to show your other hald that there WILL BE/IS a long-term commitment to the relationship there, the spark flies right back where it was.

[Dabigjoker]

You do not sound arrogant at all because I know people who feel that all long marraiges the couples are blissfully happy and it doesnt take work.  I was scared to say this because I may sound arrogant, but I matured  a little faster, in regards to relationships, than other people my age.  But I will not go as far to say that I know everything which is why I try to keep an open mind.  What you explained in your 3rd paragraph is exactly how I feel now.  I don't have that crazy in love feeling but strong feelings of "in-love" comes and goes. But like you said my "my favorite person to be around"

Now to any and everyone, how should I go about this space?  They say if she truly loves you then she will come back.  Im not going to wait around for her but I'm not against the opportunity if it presents itself and she understands what she wants.  I'm saying should I cease contact or let her initiate it.  It would seem odd of me to.

I would like to thank everyone for their support and wisdom.  God Bless you all

[RockRose]

joker,  I think we can all understand what you're saying.

I'm going to say something really arrogant,  you're too young to get this.  I know how arrogant that sounds,  but it's true.

Yes,  the "crazy in love" feeling ends - usually in about 3 years for well-matched couples.  It ends.  You don't spend your life with your spouse when the phone rings praying it's him/her,  blushing when they walk into the room,  taking pleasure out of merely hearing their name,  going through "withdrawal" if you don't see them that day.  That ends.  It doesn't come and go,  it ends.

If you have married well what you end up with is someone you think is attractive,  respectable,  lovable,  entertaining,  funny,  smart,  all that stuff.  About your favorite person to be around.  But you don't have the "in love" brain drug that you did when you were newly in love.

BUT.  If you're not married,  you have no kids,  no house together,  and you're 22 and just now beginning to grasp what you want in life,  don't marry a woman who isn't in love with you.  You need to marry a woman who is so crazy in love that  your honeymoon is blissful and incredible.

This relationship has come and gone.  Now that you're approaching the age where you can start to think forward to the future and are more capable of knowing yourself and judging others,  you can hopefully choose well and maybe marry when you are 25.

You'll get this when you're older,  I promise.  Already you sound like you're off to a very rational reasonable start in thinking things through.

[Dabigjoker]

Just to clarify things.  It may not really make a difference but might explain y I was in a state of denial

*She didn't mean the relationship was hopeless.  Over the course of 2 months those in love feelings come and go but it wasn't 2 months straight.  I assumed that was normal because I went through that and I know plenty of others who did as well.  The feelings stop coming and going she felt was hopeless.

*I wasn't her first experience.  I should say we have been in each other lives for 8 years but we have been apart due to some uncontrolled circumstances a couple of times.  There have been others.

*Maybe someone could better clarify this " I love you but Im not in love with you"  I thought it was different when dealing with long term relationships.  I thought i had went through something similar when I really didnt want to be with her but I knew I loved her because I value her characteristics and assets(not physical) and those in love feelings came back.  Even when I observe couples who have been together for 10-20 years they are not always in love but they love each other and get along. So falling out of love really is the end?

Like I said it may not matter but I am at least trying to grow from this experience

[teko]

If you love her, let her go.  If it is meant to be she will come back to you. She needs to experience the things she missed as a teen and so do you.  Give each other that space and take it from there. You will both go thru that phase, so it is better to do it now rather than after your married for years. If it is meant to be that you get back together, then you will, but if you force the issue now, you will lose the opportunity forever.

[Dabigjoker]

thank you Ms Judy.  I was afraid I might have been in denial but no one ever told me.  I really needed someone to tell me like it is and not something I wanted to hear.  But I guess you are right.  If its meant to be then she will realize it.  Lol I needed her to lay it out like you, then I would not have been so confused.  But thanx again

[Judy246]

Also, here are the main points of your message.

* 8 yr. relationship (red flag)
* 22 yrs old (young) - girlfriends first real experience
* Girlfriend stated no longer in love, wants to terminate relationship (red flag)
* She loves you, but is no longer in love with you. (red flag)
* She has been feeling this for 2 months
* Girlfriend stated that relationship has run it's course (it has rached it's ended). (red flag)
* Denial: that she is just going thru a phase
* She feels relationship is "hopeless" (red flag)
* Mutual love, but a "I care for you" type of love
*she always wants you in her life, but as best friends

I'm going to be very honest with you. She does care about you and always will, but she needs to let go without hurting you and probably doesn't know how, that is why she makes the comments that she makes. I know you love her and this is difficult to accept, but if the relationship is no longer functioning, it's time to do what is best for both and let it go. If it's meant to be, it will happen, but it's just not working out for her.
* You mutually  

[Judy246]

You already had 8 years to decide if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, but you are both still very young and have a lot ahead of you. When someone tells you she has loss the spark, that means she had "grown" in a different direction. If she no longer feels the same way you do, it's important to have self respect and accept what you can not change. Losing the spark can mean she no longer is in love with you. There is a difference between loving a person and being in love with the person.

It's important to sit down with her and ask her if she is in love with you. If the answer is no (I' care about you, not feeling it anymore, uncertain about feelings, loss the spark), you need to re-evaluate your relationship and where you are at in you life path (college, job, etc) and do what is best for both. If after 8 yrs. she no longer feels that spark, let her go. If it's meant to be, she will come back, if not, it means she was never really yours. Have a talk with her and if it is not what you both want in a relationship, it's time for a change and you have to do what is right and let her go.

[Dabigjoker]

So it seems that you all are saying just let it go. So when is the point that it is ok to work on a relationship.  I graduate in Dec and plan on going to grad school.  I never let the relationship effect my work before and I would not think of trying to complicate hers. I am not trying to rush my life and I know I'm 22 and I see what the rest of my friends are doing.  Also just as Ms. Judy said I am not financially stable to be thinking about settling down and having kids.  I don't want to be in that predicament But I believe I found something special and I personally believe that is more important than just running from girl to girl.  I just wanted her to understand that things don't have to end because of her lost "spark" because it can be worked on, though in the end I know it will be her decision if she wants to work on it or not.

[jo929]

It would seem like you started early in life,first loves are not to be forgotten, but they really do not last teen love is so different, i know you are 22 now, but things have changed you are both grown now concentrate on getting through college and get a good job be freinds if you like, but it is time to move on Judy gives good advice also 22 is a little young to settle down for life and have children think on these things. lots luck  jo

[Dabigjoker]

I can speak for myself when I say that I was committed.  Even though she was my girlfriend she is still my greatest friend  You are right we are not financially stable to move to the next level which is why I never tried to do things such as move in or even pop the question.  I am aware of where I stand in the world.  I wouldnt say we werent going anywhere you are right that our financial instability is what is keeping us at a standstill.  I have committed but I understand it is also her decision to make.  thank you for your comment. it is greatly appreciated.

[Judy246]

You are both still young, and have a lot of life a head of you, but 8 years in the same relationship and it's going nowhere, your are both going nowhere, waisting your life away without a commitment by now, yet you both are not financially stable to take this relationship to the next level. It's t ime for a change, t's either commit or move on.