How do I ask him what's going on?

[nesslock]

Hey
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. Things are great between us most of the time. I'm having a little bit of trouble understanding his motives at times and it leaves me stunned and confused. We don't live together, but share our time after work some nights and on the weekends. My frustrations come when I will invite him to an event (family birthday, fun sporting event to watch, serious sporting event, a weekend away, drunk night out), which is probably on average once a month, he says OK, but then he'll get invited by a mate to the beach house for a fishing weekend which he will always drop everything and go fishing.  I'm all good with him spending time with his mates, but it's ALWAYS time with his mates over me. I feel like I'm not worth that much to him at times, or at least his mates are worth more. He complained that we don't do anything together (gee I wonder why- you're always fishing!!)
In a nut shell he is 27 and still lives with his mother. His father suicided just before I met him and I could feel the pain within the family and he works a stressful job which he doesn't get paid enough for.
What on earth do I say to him to get him to understand my frustrations? It's not only making me hurt, but it's also so rude to the parties that we RSVP to and then I only show up to!
Thanks for any thoughts
Nesslock

[mami1323]

He sounds like my ex-boyfriend...lol.  Always spending time with his friends over me.  It was infuriating and made me wonder.  I think they can be themselves with their friends, its more relaxing, they don't have to wonder if they are doing something that is going to hurt their friend's feelings or if they aren't being affectionate enough or saying the right thing.  However, that is completely rude of him to accept an invite and than change his mind last minute and ditch you to go hang out with his buddies.  That is unacceptable!  Specialmom is right though, when a woman starts complaining or arguing, men have a way of tuning out and getting defensive.  Coming to him and communicating to him in a calm matter will definitely make a difference.  What I do with my fiance when we make plans that we rsvp to and he wants to last minute cancel, I tell him to call the person and tell them we aren't coming.  All of a sudden we wind up going...I guess he doesn't want to be the one to embarrass himself...lol.

[specialmom]

What I've found with my husband is if I stay really calm and make sure that I share my feelings with him in a matter of fact way vs. a blaming or accusing way gives the best results.  I'm up a creek if I say it in a way to make him defensive.  So I think about it ahead of time and think about how it is going to sound to him.  If you tell him honestly and matter of factly that it hurts your feelings when  your plans with him are put aside for his friends and it embarresses you to have to cancel the plans you've made with someone else . . .  I can't imagine he will get too defensive.  You can tell him you have no problem with him fishing with mates but if he could just plan it out ahead of time and not make plans with you on those days too and stick to his plans with you knowing he can go fishing the next day or weekend and you'll be just fine with that (if you are).  

You have to find a way to express your needs and issues with him.  It is key to a successful relationship.  As I said-----  staying calm and working to make sure he can't take the conversation as an attack on him is the best route.  Good luck.