How do I move forward and forget about the past?

[Lonelymom]

I have been dancing around here the last few days trying to figure out how to state this. As some of you know I recently dumped my boyfriend I had living with me and was contimplating taking back my stbx husband. For those who don't know stbx stands for soon to be ex. Any way me and my husband have been talking and trying to figure out if we can fix the past and move on. For the most part I have let go of the bad things that have happened in our marriage but there is one thing I can't seem to let go of.  

I had a boyfriend that I had, had for almost the full year me and my husband were apart. He was my best friend and then we started dating. We broke up because he felt like I was rushing things and he was scared to get hurt which in turn put my wall up and made me afraid that I was going to get hurt. So I broke things off with him and jumped right into the relationship with my nieces boyfriend's cousin. Which was the wrong thing to do I know. I have no regrets on breaking up with that guy.

Anyway to make it easier for you to keep up I will give bachelor # 1 ( my husband) bachelor #2 (first bf after) bachelor # 3 ( second bf after niece's bf cousin).  

Ok so after I kicked out bachelor # 3, bachelor # 2 started asking me to give him another chance. I contimplated it but my daughter didn't like this guy at all! Nor did my family so it would make it hard for us to be together. Then not long after bachelor # 1 and me started seeking counseling and talking about reconciling our marriage. I know this would make both my family and most of all my children happy but at the same time I can't let go of bachelor # 2. I miss him sooooo much. I miss talking to him! I miss the way he kissed me! I miss the way he touched me! I miss the way we made love! I miss everything about that relationship! Except the fears of getting hurt. Every song I hear on the radio makes me think of him. Because I live in a small town I pass him often and want soooo much to chase him down and wrap my arms around him.  I need to let this guy go and move forward but something inside me can't.

How do I move forward and forget about him and the past?? I should be working on things with my husband not thinking about this guy. My kids are happy that mommy and daddy are working things out. I can't be selfish and take that away from my kids. Please help me learn to let the feelings I had for this guy go and move forward.  

[babypooh]

I still don't think that it'd be a good idea to let your husband move back in. You don't have to sacrifice yourself for your children. They would much rather have a happy mother. Of course they want their parents together, who doesn't? But if it doesn't work out and there's no more love, there is no other choice, or there shouldn't be. No point in living together if you're not in love. You can indeed have a good relationship with him and have him present for holidays and birthdays. Your kids will have their father.  It's better that your kids get used to their parents being separated now rather than later when they get their hopes up again and you two end up creating uncomfortable situations infront of the kids because you're unhappy.  I'm not saying it will happen; I'm just saying, don't put yourself in a situation where it might happen. If your husband already moved back in, it will be harder on your children to have to watch him leave one more time, but be strong and talk with them. Explain that you and daddy are good friends, but that he has to live somewhere else. Explain that they will see him as often as they would like and that both of you love them very much. There's no easy way, but take these uncomfortable steps quickly and get them out of the way. Good luck. I will keep you in my prayers. If you are truly in love with your boyfriend, there is no reason to give him up. Just take some time to yourself so that you can dedicate these difficult times to your children and  yourself.

[SeriousSam]

Perhaps you should ask why you guys broke up originally and work your way back from there?  Was it something frivolous (last fling of youth, midlife crisis)  or something serious.. drugs?

[Lonelymom]

I didn't tell them, their dad did. He told them that he was moving back in today. I had no plans on them knowing we were working things out. I wasn't even for sure that is what I wanted.

Yes I am in love with # 2 have been for a long time. That what makes it so hard to move on. Now not only have I lost a good boyfriend because of fear of getting hurt but I lost my best friend, which is what he was before we started dating.

Now I feel like if I tell him he can't move in I will be sacrificing their happiness for mine. What kind of mother would do that to their kids? Couples live together for years without being in love any more and they seem happy maybe I can do the same.

[mami1323]

They can still have their father in their life and perhaps you can still keep that family unit intact.  You don't have to be with him in order to have that family time.  If you and him continue to be amicable with one another, you can spend the holidays together, he can come over to the house and spend time with the kids.  Just because you are no longer a couple doesn't mean this can't be done.  It will take some understanding and work but if it makes the kids happy it will work.  It's obvious that you are not ready to be with your husband again.  If you were, you would be excited to begin again, but to me it sounds as if the only reasons you are doing this is 1. because you see how happy it makes the kids and 2. you don't want to be alone.  Neither are good reasons and neither reasons will satisfy you in the long run.  Like babypooh said, you will wind up miserable and resentful and that will show.  It will never work.  As for #2, do you really love him or are you just looking for something to allow you to escape from your husband?  If your husband and you didn't work out and you wound up with #2, would he be "the one"?  You need to ask yourself that question.  In order to get over #2, you need to not have any contact with him.  Think with your head and not with your heart.  Once enough time passes you will have moved on.  But I stick with my original response, that I believe you would benefit the most from being alone for a while.  Look, no one wants to be alone.  It's not what people strive for.  But that's the only way to really get to know yourself and you won't find yourself in a rebound relationship or stuck with a man that isn't really a right fit but only because he's a distraction.  It has to come from you to want to change.  

[babypooh]

It's always hard when the children are involved. I wish you hadn't even insinuated that you were working things out with your husband, as to not get their hopes up. I know you want to do it for your kids, but it's not going to work out if you don't want to go back. Your doubts will turn into sadness or anger and unhappiness. You may try to hide it, but it will be inevitable that your kids will be able to tell something's not right. So will your husband. Things will only get worse if you're not in it with your heart and with no doubt in mind. Are you in love with #2? Sounds like it, but maybe you're confused. Don't go back with your husband for your kids. They will be disappointed, but they will be happier later knowing that you're happy. Good luck with your decisions.

[Lonelymom]

you gave me great advice over leaving the last idiot. I just don't understand why I feel like I need to be with someone. My husband is pretty much moving himself right back in and yet I can't seem to tell him no no no I'm not ready. I want to shout it out but I see how happy the kids are that he is coming over everynight and don't want to ruin there happiness.

Also how do I let go of this other guy??? How do I move on and become happy with myself???  Why am I so dang codependent??

[mami1323]

Can I suggest bachelor # nobody?  I think you need "you" time.  It sounds to me like you jump from one relationship to the next and neither man is worthy of you.  I think that's because you haven't really worked on yourself yet and therefore choose the same type of man each time.  There is a reason why your marriage didn't work out, although, I give you kudos for trying to reconcile for the sake of your family.  But you really should take some time to work on yourself first.  Maybe you would make more sound decisions when it comes to relationships if you did this.  I'm only offering a suggestion so I hope you don't take offense to this.  I wish you the best of luck in any decision you make.  I just think that you would have a better chance being alone for a little while.  You don't need a man in your life to be happy.