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Husband still deeply in love with ex-girlfriend
My (second) husband and I are married since 7 years (dated 2 years before marrying). Shortly before we met he had proposed his then-girlfriend and she declined - or so he says. They went their own way (her back to Germany), him to DC where we met. So he was free when we met - or so I thought. We are now 50 and she is 60 so we are not children anymore. She has an increasing presence in his life that bothers me seriously and I have asked my husband many times if he/she was still in love with her/him. He always denies anything is going on besides the fact that "she is happy for us". But I found out they talk on the phone all the time, they sms every day now. And so I just happen to find an email sent three days ago telling her that she was the love of his life, his partner, his soul mate and he referred to me as "the person he married" - which is shocking and quite insulting - and that he will always be there for her, etc, etc, etc. I did some digging and realized he took her on vacation (while I was working - I am the bread winner of the family) and is planning "a future" with her - what ever that means does not sound good for my own future. In his last sms (yesterday) he was planning another vacation with her. My husband has narcistic tendancies and confronting him will not yeld any positive outcome. He will just deny, over and over and over even confronted with evidence. So I have not addressed this with him yet. He does not know I know. I want to take my time to see what my options are.
This is how I see it: he loves her, she loves him (but would still not marry him now) so they should be together. Not sure why she declined his marriage proposal 10 years ago, and it is not my problem. He should not be with me and I should not be bound by a commitment I made when I married him since it does not hold anymore. They are emotionally (and at times physically) connected and I am not in the mood for competing. I was deeply in love with my husband until 3 days ago. Now, I am not sure why I would want to stay with someone who is in love with someone else. I am posted in a foreign country for now which is a good thing because this prevents me from taking rash decisions. As I said I am the bread winner, he has no job, she has no job either (so hey wait a minute I have been financing their relationship, great) so I am independant. I have a career, two dogs (they happen to be mine) and the children are adult now. All I know is that I cannot accept to subsidize their fantastic love with my work. I know where this is heading (still not easy to accept, and it hurts) and I will have to leave - once I get organized and back home.
The reason I am so prompt at cutting all emotional ties is that this is the second time this happen to me. My first husband divorced me to go back to his girlfriend who did not want to marry him either (and went back to France), this one relationship immediately before we started dating. Needless to say that when it became serious she dumped him (again) but the damage was done. I had been kicked out of the house with no job, kids and all. The renewed romance lasted 2 months. Our marriage had been loss for nothing. I was deeply hurt and crushed but got back on my feet, got a job, a dog, and moved on slowly with my life. So now my questions:
Why is it that (some) men never get over the "girlfriend", the one that rejected them (and husband #1 needed a repeater to make sure he understood well the first time?). Was I just a rebound relationship that should have ended before vows were pronounced? Is it possible for me to fall out of love so quickly? My (second) husband was everything to me, he was my world, I was living in a bliss, I was a good wife and lover. I was committed to our marriage. I thought we were happy. But I cannot spend the rest of my life trying to prove him that I am the next best thing after sliced bread (and certainly not better than this woman) and trying to gain worth in his eyes. That would be a waste.
This is how I see it: he loves her, she loves him (but would still not marry him now) so they should be together. Not sure why she declined his marriage proposal 10 years ago, and it is not my problem. He should not be with me and I should not be bound by a commitment I made when I married him since it does not hold anymore. They are emotionally (and at times physically) connected and I am not in the mood for competing. I was deeply in love with my husband until 3 days ago. Now, I am not sure why I would want to stay with someone who is in love with someone else. I am posted in a foreign country for now which is a good thing because this prevents me from taking rash decisions. As I said I am the bread winner, he has no job, she has no job either (so hey wait a minute I have been financing their relationship, great) so I am independant. I have a career, two dogs (they happen to be mine) and the children are adult now. All I know is that I cannot accept to subsidize their fantastic love with my work. I know where this is heading (still not easy to accept, and it hurts) and I will have to leave - once I get organized and back home.
The reason I am so prompt at cutting all emotional ties is that this is the second time this happen to me. My first husband divorced me to go back to his girlfriend who did not want to marry him either (and went back to France), this one relationship immediately before we started dating. Needless to say that when it became serious she dumped him (again) but the damage was done. I had been kicked out of the house with no job, kids and all. The renewed romance lasted 2 months. Our marriage had been loss for nothing. I was deeply hurt and crushed but got back on my feet, got a job, a dog, and moved on slowly with my life. So now my questions:
Why is it that (some) men never get over the "girlfriend", the one that rejected them (and husband #1 needed a repeater to make sure he understood well the first time?). Was I just a rebound relationship that should have ended before vows were pronounced? Is it possible for me to fall out of love so quickly? My (second) husband was everything to me, he was my world, I was living in a bliss, I was a good wife and lover. I was committed to our marriage. I thought we were happy. But I cannot spend the rest of my life trying to prove him that I am the next best thing after sliced bread (and certainly not better than this woman) and trying to gain worth in his eyes. That would be a waste.
OMGolly!! You are SO mentally healthy!!
I understand the (unavoidable) vascillation but You bring YourSelf right back!!
You are a Strong Woman!!
and I'm impressed at how You are dealing with this!!
and taking charge of Your own future!!
ditto Good Luck and
ditto keep us posted
I understand the (unavoidable) vascillation but You bring YourSelf right back!!
You are a Strong Woman!!
and I'm impressed at how You are dealing with this!!
and taking charge of Your own future!!
ditto Good Luck and
ditto keep us posted
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well good luck dear. Sounds like you are ready to move on and will be happy and successful doing it.
Some people can be so stupid (the 'wasband' . . . like that one).
good luck and DO keep us posted.
Some people can be so stupid (the 'wasband' . . . like that one).
good luck and DO keep us posted.
Thank you very much for your support, TKB, RR and specialmom...it really means the world to me. You are really helping me in seeing things for what they are and validating my (at times) vacillating position. I have thought about this, and it is so true, the man I have now in front of me is not the man I married and love for that matter. He is a stanger...
I have his girlfriend name and contact. She can have him, he his all hers. I am not even angry and her, although if she wanted to eat the cake, she should have committed but anyway...I am not angry at my wasband (note the WAS-) I think he is pathetic and he lacks character and courage. I find it just sad that all these years were based on lies. I am now just waiting to have everything documented and my back covered. Then I will move on with my life.
My grandmother always used to say better alone than in bad company...Wow, this is so trued...Life is beautiful, there are salsa classes, then this cross country skiing trip I always wanted to take, so many things to do...so many people to meet...In a way, I feel liberated. I see it as embarking in a strange adventure...maybe someone else will come along, maybe not. All I know is that I deserve better - certainly not this...
Yes she can have him all she wants (as-is)! Mmmmm now that I think about it, too bad the car is mine too (Defender 110 guys...) he he he. However I doubt they will last, considering the free membership to multiple vacations per years is about to dry out dramatically fast...
Life can only get better. Will keep you posted. Thanks again for your support...
I have his girlfriend name and contact. She can have him, he his all hers. I am not even angry and her, although if she wanted to eat the cake, she should have committed but anyway...I am not angry at my wasband (note the WAS-) I think he is pathetic and he lacks character and courage. I find it just sad that all these years were based on lies. I am now just waiting to have everything documented and my back covered. Then I will move on with my life.
My grandmother always used to say better alone than in bad company...Wow, this is so trued...Life is beautiful, there are salsa classes, then this cross country skiing trip I always wanted to take, so many things to do...so many people to meet...In a way, I feel liberated. I see it as embarking in a strange adventure...maybe someone else will come along, maybe not. All I know is that I deserve better - certainly not this...
Yes she can have him all she wants (as-is)! Mmmmm now that I think about it, too bad the car is mine too (Defender 110 guys...) he he he. However I doubt they will last, considering the free membership to multiple vacations per years is about to dry out dramatically fast...
Life can only get better. Will keep you posted. Thanks again for your support...
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree with the others, this story makes me sad. You sound like you have so much going for you and wish this man appreciated it.
Normally I do NOT recommend this------------ but I'd be really interested in what the other woman has to say about things. I'd get her info---------- email, phone, etc. and during this process, I'd call and let her know that you are in on their little secret. And now she can have him for keeps . . . prize that he is. I'd collect all the evidence you have when seeing your attorney and do your best to not have to pay any spousal support to him.
You will be happier alone than with a man who has a secret life behind your back.
I do wish you all the best dear. Peace.
Normally I do NOT recommend this------------ but I'd be really interested in what the other woman has to say about things. I'd get her info---------- email, phone, etc. and during this process, I'd call and let her know that you are in on their little secret. And now she can have him for keeps . . . prize that he is. I'd collect all the evidence you have when seeing your attorney and do your best to not have to pay any spousal support to him.
You will be happier alone than with a man who has a secret life behind your back.
I do wish you all the best dear. Peace.
You are certainly dealing with this calmly, and rationally - with a completely clear head.
It's really interesting that this happened to you twice. Reminded me in high school there were three guys IN A ROW who wanted to date me after breaking up with this one drama queen. IN A ROW. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know at the time - I really wasn't in her "circle" - and the third guy take me home right then when said well I've got to tell you I'm finally recovering from dating Cindy S. No, they weren't recovering, they were wallowing in grief, why did they keep finding me to try to help them recover, it was bizarre. Anyway, she's now in prison for hiring a hit man to kill her husband. What drama.
I tell you this because my guess is you're zero drama, and that attracts zero drama men AND men who can't afford one more ounce of drama because their life is full of it from a former love.
Best wishes. I wonder what he'll do now to support himself.
It's really interesting that this happened to you twice. Reminded me in high school there were three guys IN A ROW who wanted to date me after breaking up with this one drama queen. IN A ROW. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know at the time - I really wasn't in her "circle" - and the third guy take me home right then when said well I've got to tell you I'm finally recovering from dating Cindy S. No, they weren't recovering, they were wallowing in grief, why did they keep finding me to try to help them recover, it was bizarre. Anyway, she's now in prison for hiring a hit man to kill her husband. What drama.
I tell you this because my guess is you're zero drama, and that attracts zero drama men AND men who can't afford one more ounce of drama because their life is full of it from a former love.
Best wishes. I wonder what he'll do now to support himself.
My heart is heavy for You to have this anguish. You already know what You must do and I commend You for knowing that once the "bond" is broken it's broken forever - anything else is just hopeful, wishful thinking.
I truely don't think any one can advise or make suggestions or add anything to what You have already surmised and realized for YourSelf in this post. You already have much insight. This is still painful, I know, but You are not lying to YourSelf and deceiving YourSelf into thinking You and he can live happily ever after in spite of his betrayal.
P.S.
Why SHOULD they marry when they have You to support them and their vacations together (sarcasm here).
P.S.again
You wonder if it's possible for You to fall out of love so quickly. Part of that is You realize the man You "thought" You loved is a stranger to You now. He's not who/what You thought he was. How can You continue to love a man that You now know You didn't know?
one last P.S.
Many men never "get over" the first girlfriend OR the first car. How many middle-aged men do You see driving around in a restored car like the one they drove when they were 17? Just saying.....
Good Luck, I wish You well, and I hope we hear how You fared from this.
Sincerely,
Tink
I truely don't think any one can advise or make suggestions or add anything to what You have already surmised and realized for YourSelf in this post. You already have much insight. This is still painful, I know, but You are not lying to YourSelf and deceiving YourSelf into thinking You and he can live happily ever after in spite of his betrayal.
P.S.
Why SHOULD they marry when they have You to support them and their vacations together (sarcasm here).
P.S.again
You wonder if it's possible for You to fall out of love so quickly. Part of that is You realize the man You "thought" You loved is a stranger to You now. He's not who/what You thought he was. How can You continue to love a man that You now know You didn't know?
one last P.S.
Many men never "get over" the first girlfriend OR the first car. How many middle-aged men do You see driving around in a restored car like the one they drove when they were 17? Just saying.....
Good Luck, I wish You well, and I hope we hear how You fared from this.
Sincerely,
Tink
I am sorry to hear this. It's sometimes hard to find a god spouse. I don't know why you happen to have guys that have ex-girlfriend issues. Maybe you are drawn to them in some way. As for leaving, life is short and you should not live like this. If I were you, I would get your affairs in order behind his back and tell him you are leaving him when the time is right. I would not argue with him. I would just tell him it is over and he is free to be with the ex-girlfriend now. Trust me, there are a lot of good guys that would love to have a woman like you. His lost. Good luck.
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