Husband still in love with ex

[blosie]

Me and my husband dated and got married about 4 months later.  It was like love at first site.  Because we lived 300 miles apart, we kept our relationship alive via telephone call and emails.  It wasn't until about 7 months later before he finally moved in with me.  In the beginning, he told me about his ex-girlfriend.  Throughout the course of our dating she's been sending me threatning notes saying to leave her man alone, calling me a home wreaker and amongst other things.  At first I took it as a joke because I thought it was funny.  Never in my life had I ever had to deal with something like this.  My husband (then at the time, boyfirend) told me not to worry about it.  Call, texts, and emails another 5 months until I just had my phone number changed.  About 4 months after our marriage and finally moving in with me, he said he needed to go back to his old town to take care of some business, which I took him. he was there for a week. during that week I have called him on numerous times and we talked some. But there were times I called and he unknowing picked up and I heard conversations.  That's when I learned he was still F**king his ex. When he came back home I had confronted him and he didn't deny it. He just told me he wanted to be with me. about a month or so later, he accidentaly left his email opened and couriosity got the best of me.  That's when I learned,the whole time he was in is hometown and we were dating, he was still sleeping with his ex, even after we got married. they were plotting to see each other again. She was even pregnant and lost the baby. They exchanged nude pics. I was really hurt and depressed. we had constant arguments concerning her.  We are still married and willing to make this work. Repeadtly i had asked him to lose all contact with her. She is still married to her estrange husband and has two boys by her husband.  Those boys looks at my husband and calls him "daddy" (they are not his children).  My husband wants to work on our marriage and I see he is really trying.  But everytime he pulls alway, she's always coming at him with something and he goes right back to her.  He knows how I feel about her.  I had talked to her many times and told her if she charishes that "so called friendship" of theirs she would respect me.  She gave me her word because she wanted her sons to stay in touch with my husband.  She broke that trust.  Up until now they are still talking.  But he doesn't do it around me.  How can I help my husband get over her?  It's like the minute he steps away from her he gets all sad like he's just lost a part of his world.  I sometimes feel like I'm worthless like i am not enough woman to keep him happy.  it's like he needs her also to make him complete.

[treazzure007]

"It's like the minute he steps away from her he gets all sad like he's just lost a part of his world."  "it's like he needs her also to make him complete." - um, not to sound insensitive or anything but if this is something you already know and you choose to stay that means you are open for SHARING a man.  

i'v heard of some people doing this for years of their lives, even decades.  if that is the most you think of yourself and the most you expect out of a unity/love/marriage contract with someone, then go right ahead

[heatherlynn22]

after everything that happened between them he STILL wants to be her friend???? he can't have it both ways unless you're going to let him! if my dh wanted to remain friends with his exes....no no no. that's a BIG no no. the way his exes were and still are....the same way his is with him. they tried forever to get him to leave me. luckily he just quit talking to them. lost their aim sn's, emails, numbers everything. he doesn't acknowledge their exsistance anymore. why? because they were causing problems with us.

that's what your husband should be doing. loosing everything that has to deal with her. pictures, numbers, emails everything. she has been and probably will continue to be nothing but a problem for you. he's obviously to hung up on her to completely get rid of her. and that's not right. you're supposed to be his everything. his #1. not his well you're 1/2 and she's 1/2 or his number 2. no that's not how it works.

you need to stop thinking about how this is going to affect you down the road. think about YOUR feelings. don't let him railroad you with this "i'm soooo committed to you but i'm not going to forget her" bull pucky!

[blosie]

Thanks.  Another question.  I know he is truely trying to commit to our marriage but at the same time, just the sheer fact of him still talking to her truely hurts.  He's just recently sent me a picture of her and her "supposdly" new boyfriend. (this makes number 3 in the past 8 months) In my heart I was kindof happy, but at the same time I was sad.  This is not the first time she's sent him a picture of her new boyfriend.  In my mind it could be just a plot to take my mind off her.  I have been observing him.  It seems as though by her having this new friend it really crushes her and it's like he don't want to let go of their "so called friendship"  He has many female friends and I have asked them why couldn't she be like one of them.  He still has pictures of her, of the both of them.  He tells me he loves me and the fact of me leaving him just breaks him.  I keep telling him, he can't have it both ways.  I am truely trying to hold on and I don't want to just "divorce".  I want that to be my last option.  Is there any other way I can try to make this work?  Just the fact he wants to keep her hanging on as a "friend" still bothers me, but yet he has issues with my male friends trying to compare them with my complaints about her.  In comparison to the ratio of me comunicating to one of my male friends to him and her in a given month of 30 days would be about 15 to his 300.  I do love him and I truely want to try to work this out before throwing in the towel.  

[iam1butterfly]

My advice to you is to NOT have a child with this man as he has proven that he is  neither committed to your marriage, nor to you. He has been dishonest with you about the other woman before you married; he continues to cheat on you, now; and, his strong attachment with this other woman shows no sign of changing in the foreseeable future. So, what you must decide is: how much more of his lies and infidelity are you willing to tolerate? Can you continue to live with a man that you can't trust? If he can have both you and the other woman, he won't make a choice. So, you must make a choice... for him. Give him a final warning: tell him that if you find out that he's been with that other woman... you're gone!

[heatherlynn22]

he is a piece of poo. he's telling you one thing to keep you happy then turning around and telling his "ex" another thing. is that the kind of man you want to be married to? or to possibly father your future children?  and how sure are you that those kids arn't his? like the rest of his lies they could very well be his.

kate is right...the term husband does not give him the right to treat you like ****. you deserve better then that. if he hasn't lost contact with his supposed ex and she's STILL calling, iming, emailing him....he hasn't lost contact and he doesn't plan on it. do you really want to share you husband for the rest of your life?

[KATE535]

Your husband is disgusting and greedy. He wants to play two women at the same time, wrecking both their emotions and hurting two inncocent children - how absurd they call him ''daddy''. What sort of role model is he living a double life, drifting between two women, and strolling in and out of their lives claiming to be ''daddy''.
Understandably you're devastated by this, my heart goes out to you being put through this. But all I can say is he does not deserve you. If he wants her, don't keep holding onto him - let him go to her. You don't have to feel you've lost the fight with this woman, see it from a different perspective - you've had the courage to leave a disgusting man behind you and can pursue other men who are decent enough to stay devoted to you and you alone. Don't waste your time with him. Being married does not mean you have to put up with this because he's your 'husband'. He is wrong to do this to you.