Need Advice

[dontknow22]

I don't know if this is where to post this question, just didn't know where else.  I just need some advice to give my best friend.  We have been best friends for 10 years. She was always very smart, well behaved, some what of a nerd throughout our childhood.  Then ninth grade hit, she grew enormous breasts and then she started to change.  She became a huge flirt and started to become more and more ditsy.  We had a falling out period where we really didn't talk for about a year, then slowly started becoming friends again.  She is much better with some things, but she is a very sexual person.  She always had a boyfriend; when she broke up with one, not too long after she had another before she was even over the past one, and it kind of concerned me. But once she broke up with her last boyfriend, she was sad about it, and she still has feelings for another one of her ex's.  I told her that she needed to just have some time to her self to figure things out and decide what she wants, before jumping into a new relationship with all these feeling for her ex's like she usually did.  Well, she took that advice, and didn’t get into a relationship...She started sleeping around.  She would tell me about everything, and I would tell her to please be careful, it wasn’t a good idea, and to slow down.  She never did, until she thought she had an STD, went to the doctor, and tested positive for HPV.  I thought this would be her wake up call to stop running around with random guys.  But it wasn't.  She’s back at it again.  I know a big part of this problem could be that she never grew up with a father, and it is a statistic that lots of girls who never have a father figure turn that way, but I know not all do.  I’m just very concerned that something really bad will happen if she continues like this, and I don’t know what to do since talking to her hasn’t worked.   She used to be such an innocent girl and now has done a 180.  What else can I do to help her…? I

[dontknow22]

Will do.  Thank you so much for the help.  

[PlateletGal]

Good luck ! If that doesn't work... don't give up. And let us know what happens if you can.

[dontknow22]

Thanks! I will start with that.

[PlateletGal]

If you have an intervention, then there is a good possibility that you could lose this friendship. Perhaps maybe next time she brings up her sex life, you should ask her if she's considered the possibility that she's sleeping around because she has a low self esteem ? If you ask her... then you aren't accusing her and she won't get upset. If she admits that she indeed has a low self esteem, then maybe you should suggest that she get counseling to work on it.

Good luck !

[dontknow22]

I know this is me just thinking negative, but what if she refuses to go to a therapist and/or denies having a problem with this.  I guess I should just take this one step at a time, I'm just upset about the whole situation.  She lives out of town from me and some of her friends where she lives are not the greatest for her to be hanging out with, and only exacerbate the situation.  The only think I can think to do after that is to have some type of intervention with other friends and family…unless someone has a better idea? Any takers?

[PlateletGal]

It is sad. Women who sleep around like that usually have very low self-esteems. I agree with the other posters and believe she needs therapy.

[dontknow22]

Thanks for the advice.  I will definently look into those books.  I might be able to get her into theropy.  She used to be in it when she was younger, because she did have a very rough childhood and was taken from her mother, so she saw a theropist to get her through that, however she is in a loving home now and has been for several years.  I just hope I can get through to her before its too late.  

[Lorielle]

That is horribly sad.  She's headed for sure destruction and you're a good friend to care enough to want to help her.  She needs serious therapy.  It sounds to me like she was badly abused or neglected in her life and has no self esteem to realize that she is too good to do this to herself..   I don't know how you could ever convince her to get therapy.  Maybe you could show her your post, and the replies so she can see what she is doing to herself.  Or maybe you could get some books that would catch her eye, hoping she'll begin to read something that will tug at her heart and common sense.  Maybe you could write her a letter and tell her what you think she is doing to herself  and her future and try to get her thinking about why she has the need to do this.  You could include in it all the good qualities of character you know about her and how she deserves better than this.  Remind her that if a man loves her, he'll marry her, not use her.  Poor thing.  

[relax100]

I suppose you can consider getting her into therapy if she'll go.  That is probably the best place.  You can also try calling Sue Johnanson on the show on the Oxygen Channel called Talk Sex With Sue and she usually has good advice.

I don't know how quickly she has sex with her boyfriends but I expect she isn't waiting very long.  This combination of not having the discipline a father can bring plus her natural endowments can be a factor in her behavior.  Certainly I don't think a breast reduction would do much for her self esteem but she seems to be using her natural endowments to her advantage far to much.  Men like women they see as a challenge in one way or another as it is a turn-on and perhaps they look at her and see her as different and exciting.  Men like to score with women that are attractive, flirtatious, and experienced and that is actually a mistake.

Some good books are Why Love Is Not Enough by Sol Gordon and Intimate Connections by David Burns and I'd recommend them highly to her.