Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[rm629]

I have been married 17 years. A few years back my wife went through an emotional depressed stage in her life in which she became dependent on drugs and alcohol. Enough so that she lost her job and nearly went to jail. We have a 13 year old son, and I stuck by her side to get her through this rut that she was in, promising that I would always be there for her. She has gotten the help she desperately needed for her addiction and found a new career. She has been at her new job for little over a year now. Things seemed to be doing better at home, however 2 weeks ago I started noticing her acting secretive about something. After investigating, I have learned, she is calling another guy, multiple time during the day, when I'm not around and then clearing it from her phone. I questioned her about it and she said no big deal I'll stop if you don't like it. 2 days later I found a pre-paid phone that she was now using to contact him. Took that from her and gave her an ultimatum, that this has to stop or me and the child go. A week passes things seem to be back to normal, but I go through her work cell and there is his number again. I take my son and we leave. She contacts me a few days later and says she wants me to come back home, not for me but our son. She has told me that she is no longer in love with me. And this other guy has made her realize, what if someone better is out there for her, but she doesn't want a divorce, afraid of losing all contact with son. Since this latest incident I have been so confused, I still love her and want this to work for our son, but I don't want to live like roommates. She still has feelings for this other guy and says she want to be with him, but its unrealistic, because he 17 and a high school drop out and she 39. Should I give counseling a try or just get out while I can?

[Lisi251]

This is simply disturbing,I cant believe you would want this women back,much less to be in your sons life.This women need to be in jail......
At this point I am just speechless

[teko]

Correction, 4 years older is what I meant to say, god aint that bad enough then I had to put a typo of 41. Geesh!

[teko]

Hold up one minute here! She is having an affair with a boy, yes I said boy who is what? 4! Countem 41 years older than her son! Are you kidding me! Okay here it goes!~ First of all, she is probably doing drugs again and the child she is bangin is the supplier. Second, I dont happen to care what her past issues are, she is clearly a nut job. On top of that you say you love her and want to get back together? So what is your problem? I think there is a lot more going on than what is in this post. I seriously cannot understand why on gods green earth you would want to get back with a child molester? I think you both need something, just not sure what that is. Your poor son! She will be stalking his friends for love potentials before long. I say lose her! You never had a real marriage.

[mami1323]

Lol...specialmom...I'm sorry, you just made me hysterical.

[penswriter]

i'm with the rest of the ladies...she's a grown woman sleeping with a CHILD! think this boy is not much older than your own! keep the kid and run as far and fast as you can. definitely take proof in court that she's having an inappropriate relationship with a minor.

[specialmom]

Holy smokes!!!  Did I miss that it is an affair with a 17 year old boy?????  Oh, hold the phone.  Oh.  I scrolled back up.  Do you think your wife is doing drugs again??  Seriously.  I can't believe I missed that and okay,  no.  You should go ahead and move forward with your life without her.  She has very deep issues.  Good luck.

[Judy246]

"No big deal, I'll stop it IF YOU dont want it"  what is that? What is wrong with this picture. It's obvious your wife is completely a dysfunctional, self destructive and inmature. She has told you that she is no longer in love with you, which means that it will be a matter of time where she will meet someone and leave you. My advice is that I don't think counseling is going to help her. She needs to fall on her butt alone and start taking responsibility for her life and action. It's time for you to start making a plan to leave with your son. He should have a relationship with his mother, but it's time to go. Make sure to surround yourself with your family and good friends for support, because this relationship is one sided and the one that is going to end up or has already ended up hurt is you. Good Luck.

[imanaddict]

I honestly don't see how this situation is going to work. For things to work, both of you have to be willing, and she isn't. I could not believe my eyes when I read that she is dating a 17 year old! What in the world is she thinking? I would honestly take your son and leave. You have enough to obtain full custody and her visitation rights. She sounds extremely unstable which is not a healthy environment for your son.

I wish you the best!

[RockRose]

Women who do this are nuts,  and unpredictable,  and dangerous,  rm.

In a few years  she'll be one of those horrid creepy women preying on his friends.  

I'm one of those people who strongly believe that if at all possible and safe,  couples should stay together for the sake of the kids.  They didn't cause the problems and don't deserve chaos.

This case is different.

I think you should have worded your post completely differently:

"My wife has had a history of clinical depression and now she's having an affair with a 17 year old boy and won't stop".  That's all we really need to know.

Run fast and far,  and in divorce court bring proof that she's having sex with a minor.

[specialmom]

Well,  I think I am old fashioned in some regards because I do think marriage is worth fighting for and it is better for the kids if parents can work out their issues.  No, they shouldn't be subjected to nasty fights-------  but really, a 13 year old boy doesn't care if his mom is in love with dad, he just is happier with his parents under one roof.

So, I am always an advocate for working hard attempting everything possible to mend a relationship before giving up on it.  

Here is the problem I see, however.  You really need both people to work on it.  She needs to want to reconnect to you and be a couple in order for you to continue living with her.  She can't ask you to live with her for her son's sake while she sows her wild oats and looks for love elsewhere.  That is too much to ask of anyone ----  even a kind man as you sound like you are.  

I would imagine that she still has an addictive personality and finding this new romance is her new "high".  Is she going to any type of therapy?  I would never tell someone to stay with a person who said that they planned on being unfaithful but want you under one roof so they don't feel like a bad person because of it.  Not fair.  

Ask her if she sees any way of rekindling your relationship and if she would attend couples therapy with you.  Heck, ask her to do it for the sake of your son.  Give it your best effort and see what happens.  I really believe she is "drunk" with new love and seeks that.  How can you get that into YOUR relationship with her?  That may not be something you feel like doing and it may not work----------  but you sound like you want to try.  She does, however, have to give up the other guy while you attempt to work on this.  Good luck!

[mami1323]

WHAT???  She's dating a man, I'm sorry, a boy who is 17?  That's horrendous...I'm sorry!  It's one thing to cheat but to do it with a child.  Something is wrong with your wife.  I'm not trying to be mean, but she doesn't seem mentally sound or grounded.  I think she's still suffering from depression or she's bi-polar.  Is she on medication?  

I agree with the above poster I can see this going this way...she hooks up with this boy, grows tired of him, because frankly, what can he offer her other than a good time.  He's a kid, he will eventually grow tired of her because he will want someone his age or will like other girls and play the field, as a young man should do.  She will realize the error of her ways, want you back and most likely you will go back because you are an enabler and will want to "rescue" her.  I mean you have done it throughout your relationship.  

You cannot make this work for your son.  And frankly, she doesn't seem like a very responsible parent.  A good parent will think about their child's needs above their own and will make better decisions.  I mean, your son is old enough to see that his mom is going to be dating a boy close to his own age.  I think your wife needs counseling.  I believe it's your job to protect your son.  He should be able to see his mother but she should have visitation and perhaps supervised.  Her lifestyle is not suitable for her son.

I wish you the best of luck, I recommend some counseling for you as well.  Why you would want to continue a relationship with this destructive woman is questionable?

[Amie635]

Get out while you can. I don't understand why people always "stay together for the kids", kids aren't stupid, and they can sense unhappiness between there parents. I grew up with alcoholic parents who fought non stop and I remember when I was younger literally begging them to divorce but they wouldn't. Of course its gonna be hard for your son, but think about the long run rather than the here and now. He will grow up thinking that a relationship like yours is healthy and normal and accept a woman treating him like your wife is treating you, he will soon grow sad at the fact you are both unhappy in your relationship.

Also, you have to think about yourself at some stage. So your wife went through a tough patch and she came through. You didn't need to hold her hand through it, many wouldn't, but you did. That shows you were willing to comprimise, forgive and try again and thats great. Now, however, she is back to skrewing things up again. She isn't treating you with respect by contacting this other guy, you even gave her another chance by the ultimiatum.

In reality, considering the past, she should be very greatful you stuck around, she clearly doesn't appreciate what she has. I think shes being a little selfish too, because shes not taking into account how this other young guy will impact your son. You have to move on from her, and she has to move on from you. Allow yourself to find someone who is worthy, and allow her to find someone who she can be inlove with.

My guess is after time apart she will soon realise what she has lost and want you back, and you may feel you love her enough to go back after a well needed break. If you do go back after time, then make sure you tell her that she has hurt you, and she has making up to do.

If you do decide you want to be apart for good, then make sure you don't drag your son into it. Stay amicable. Try your best to remain friends and make sure your son gets to see you and her for similar amounts of time.