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I am Pregnant and just found out that my husband has been cheating on m...
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I am Pregnant and just found out that my husband has been cheating on me.

I am 9 weeks pregnant and I just found out last week that my husband of 6 yrs had been cheating on me for 3 weeks. We have tried so hard to get pregnant in the first place and now to have him go off and cheat on me, I just don't know what to do. The woman he cheated on me with was some one he went to school with and we ended up moving up to were she lives just this last year. She is married but getting a divorce her self. He tells me that he will never do this ever again. Should I believe him or not? We have an appointment coming up to see a marriage councler, which he agreed to. Where do I go from here?
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Avatar_n_tn
Oh i'm so sorry.. i can only imagine what you are going through. Especially since you are pregnant it's not good for the baby when you are stressed out. I think the decision you need to make first before even going to a counselor is are you able to forgive him? Do you think if he takes the steps are you able to let it go? Because if not then counseling will be useless because you will not be able to let it go yourself. You being pregnant makes the situation a little harder because now there is a baby involved. if you are willing to work on your marraige then counseling is a great idea, it doesn't make up for what he did but maybe he is trying to show you he is willing to do whatever it takes. Good luck and again i'm sorry :(
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Avatar_n_tn
I so want to forgive him for what he did. But right now I am not able to do that. We have talked a lot about what happened and he wants to make things work and that he regrets every thing. My problem right now how do I trust and believe in him again. I'm scared that he is still talking with her even thou he tells me that he hasn't. I know that if I find out that he still is communicating with her I will for sure leave him. I don't need him around to raise my baby.
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Avatar_n_tn
I think you are doing the right thing by seeing a marriage counselor.  He/she will help you to sort out this mess as well as both of your feelings.  You don't have to decide now whether or not to leave him.  Your still in shock.  You need time to absorb all of this.  Therapy is the best thing.  Once you figure out your feelings, then the answer will come to you.  You will see things alot clearer.  Of course, if he's still involved w/this woman, I would indeed cut him off.  You don't want to subject the baby to that unhealthy enviornment.  Good luck & I hope you are able to have somewhat of a happy New Year.
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Avatar_n_tn
I am so sorry!

If you want to truly forgive him and move on then marriage counseling is a very important step.  Trust is going to be very difficult for him to earn back.  He is going to have to spend so much time and effort proving to you that it will never happen again.  I'm sure you've heard the expression talk is cheap.  Well, that is definately true in this situation.

Only you will be able to know if you can believe him.  I think a lot can be said for how he is handling himself now.  Is he truly sorry or is it more he is sorry he got caught?  How was he caught?  Did he jump at the chance to go to counseling to work on your marriage or was he hesitant?  Does he account for his whereabouts when he isn't with you?  

I think it takes a very special person to get past infidelity.  I was never able to and I wish you all the luck in the world and hope it all works out for the best.  Keep us posted.

PS  Congrats on the pregnancy!  
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Avatar_f_tn
Not only did he cheat on you, but he cheated in your house, in your bed?  Right?
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Avatar_n_tn
I truly believe that he is sorry for what he has done. He does wish that we can just put this behind us but he also knows that I will need time and he is going to be here to support that.

How he was caught-- He had gotten really mad at me for something really stupid earlier in the week and came out and said that he wasnt happy with me or the marriage. Well that went our for 3 days until I lost it and went to my parents house for the weekend to take time to calm down and to make sure that I was ok and the baby( this was the first time in our marriage that I left). All day he wanted me to come home until later on in the evening when he changed his mind. Well the next morning I called him and he was acting funny so I left to come home. Well we ended up meeting on the road to our house, he was going one directions and me the other. Well we ended up pulling over and I asked him were he was and he kept telling me he was home when I know he wasnt because I tried to call on my way home. Thats when he finally said that he was saying good bye and to whom. Well first off he said that they had just kissed and he had done some stuff with her and that was all. I asked him if he had slepted with her and he said no and swore up and down that he didnt. Well three days later I ended up calling her soon to be exhusband and found out that they had slept with each other the night that I went to my parents house and she was there that morning when I called him.

He wasnt hesitant at all about going to councling, he was the one that made the call and set up the appt. So I hope that his heart will be in it.

I just hope we can make it thru this. I really do love my husband with all my heart and I ment it when I took my vows when we got married.
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Avatar_n_tn
Yes he cheated in my house that I worked so hard for and it was on my couch not in our bed.
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164559_tn?1233711618
Congratulations on your pregnancy I hope you have a healthy nine months.

I wish I had wise words for you regarding your situation, but unfortunately I do not.

I think it is admirable of you to try to work this out.  I think your baby is worth the hassle.  And he will always be the father and you will have to deal with him for the rest of your life.

I would give marriage counselling a fair shot.  But I would hold his feet to the fire and make him earn back your trust.

Ciel


P.S.  And I wouldn't believe anything the ex said, he's probably mad and looking to hurt someone.
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Avatar_n_tn
I'm glad that he wasn't hesitant about counciling.  Hopefully he will put all his energy into repairing your marriage and earning your trust back.  I agree, hold his feet to the fire on this one!  Be sure that he realizes he is the one who messed up, not you.  Married couples all have their problems, but straying doesn't solve them.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your marriage and keeping your family together.  Remember it probably won't be easy at first, so be sure to take care of yourself for the sake of your baby.

Your husband is very lucky to married to a woman who is so willing to forgive!
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173939_tn?1333221450
Sometimes men, boyfriends, husbands only feel good if they can play the "suspension game". They make you feel comfortable one time only to shatter the security next time and then spend a few months building up that trust again only to come up with some other scam. It is a strange kind of committment phobia even though some of them do go as far a getting married and even having kids. Playing those games gives them a sense of being in control. If you can look beyond those games and if there is truly no further cheating involved, all should be fine. But once you have the baby there will be little time to also worry about "the other woman" being at the horizon or not. Hope you get it all sorted out before baby comes. It is pretty exhausting to be a single mom.
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Avatar_n_tn
Well, firstly i want you to know you are not alone.  A little on my situation.

I found out that i was pregnant in August 2006 and was to say it lightly a little shocked.  We weren't trying you see.  It was a very stressful year for us, which i will spare you the details on.  In early September we moved in with our toddler into his parents basement while we waited for our new house to be finished.  It was very difficult for me as i disagreed with his parents lifestyle greatly, and he was away on business trips several times during this time, 2 months.

After living in our new home for more than a month and dealing with the new stresses, he confessed to me that he had cheated on me with a one nighter while on one of his business trips only a week before we had moved.  He had confessed because we were having bleeding in the pregnancy and he wanted to make sure it wasn't his doing, even though he was 'protected'.

I don't want to get into the specifics but i do want to share some things about my recovery since then.  I found out in late November and too was worried as to the health of the baby not only STD's but the stress it was causing me.  I also worried about our daughter and how this would affect her mentally, luckily she is young enough to only know that mommy was crying a lot.  I was also lucky in that i cried for 2 days then it was done.  There are many things that facilitated this.

1.  I was able to ask any q's i wanted and it was expected that he be open and honest

2.  I started journalling.  I wrote everything down.  I am not usually a journaller but felt this facilitated the purging of feelings

3.  I told one confidante immediately, and later told one friend accidentally.  This gave me the ability to have someone close to me to discuss my feelings with openly and validate me too.

4.  Although he agreed to counselling, i have asked that he first take some counselling alone first to explore his own issues on the issues surrounding the affair

5.  I bought and read from front to back the book 'After the Affair'.  I found it an easy read and bought him a copy and expected him to read it too.  It is okay to expect some things from him.  He owes you that

6.  Talk, Talk, Talk.  To whom ever will listen.  You need to make sure that you feel your pain is being answered.

7.  Sometimes more selfish things like shopping therapy can help short term.  I don't know your full situation but i had been staying at home with our little girl for 2 years and almost never took time or money for myself.  If you are not doing it already, take back some time for an activity or adventure of your own.  I have done shopping thereapy, hair therapy, and education therapy signing up for a class i wanted to take but hadn't.

I was able to forgive him.  Immediately.  And trust him.  Because i know that it was due to things that he hadn't dealt with from his past.  I understand that he may cheat on me on any of his many business trips he takes around North America but that is not too much of my concern.  I am only concerned that he not put me in a bad position health wise and i know that i will survive leaving him if it comes to that.

Please note that although i don't want to i also don't want to raise 2 women ( the new baby will be a girl too) around a man that can't treat me with dignity.

Good luck to you.  And i hope you both can find the strength to pursue your counselling.  It can be very rewarding.
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Avatar_n_tn
leave him it happened to me when i was two months pregnant and they are always sorry and the only thing  that changes is they hide it even better the other times
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425962_tn?1285090058
So, what happened? Did it work out? Are you still together? We'd all like to know how you and the Baby are!?
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Avatar_n_tn
My dear you are not alone on this cheating issue, Me and my husband are here in abroad both, I just went to my own country for delivery of my baby boy, when I comes back he cheated on me, in my own house. Since we are muslim he has to mary her and it depends on him if he want to devorce or not, and this lady she lied on my husband she is pregnant.... it was very long story.... but inspite of those thing happends I trust him again, I gave more attention to him, and he tried many things to pleased me...and I saw in him he regrets and ...at the end he devorced her.....

Im going to give you an advice, never give up your family, if you really want your family back you need to talk to him, you need to be with him....dont nag, dont talk to much that will hurt him, if he already regrets for what he have done....Believe me the more you hurt him, talking nonsense, the more he will not speak up what is in his heart, and he will be force to go back to this lady.....and for me, this lady will be happy if I am going to ask for devorce...no way.....I should think that I will be the loser if I ask for devorce.

I am very sure, you will be OK my dear.....Dont ever follow your pride. You know at first I said I will go to court and asked for devorce, and make story so that he can deverce me, well that thought is wrong......

So, now totally we recover, he doesnt even want me to mentioned anything about this lady....and I am sure now he doesnt have contacts with her.

Good luck

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193988_tn?1215027483
take him for all he's got!Once a cheater always a cheater!If he loved he wouldnt of done it Point blank.In your house as well ,that just puts the cherry on top!You deserve better.
Stay and it will always rule you mind,no matter how you try to forget.Let him rot in his own ****!
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82861_tn?1333457511
Sorry, I don't buy the "once a cheater always a cheater" line.  I just can't believe that applies to every person that steps out.  We're human, and we make mistakes - sometimes big ones.  Admitting to a huge sin like this is a big step.  It's how we deal with the fallout that's important.  I'm certain ams knows her husband well enough to at least suspect if this has happened before.  It's up to the two of them to work this out one way or the other.  With a baby involved, running away from the problem just isn't a good thing right now.

ams, you two need to learn how to fight.  Yeah, that's what I said: learn how to fight.  Every couple has them, but you have to fight fair.  No more running off to the parents when the going gets rough (unless violence is involved of course).  And he needs to learn that an argument doesn't give him permission for a revenge ****.  You said the initial fight was over a minor issue, so how did it escalate to the point that it lasted for days and you felt you had to leave?  

I guess if I were in your shoes, the first thing I'd do after getting tested for STDs, is get rid of that blasted couch.  Do the counseling with an open mind.  It will either get you two closer or it won't.  If you leave the marrieage at least you'll have no regrets.  Don't talk about it when you're alone with him if the subject just brings on more fighting.  Save it for the counselor.  Same goes for your husband.  Yes, you two are going to have to start over again and build some trust while you learn how to be married again.  If that means he has to court you all over again, then tell him.  Hopefully you two will have a good counselor who will offer some concrete help for you both.
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193988_tn?1215027483
If you truely love someone that will never happen.Its a simple as that.To bring the person in your house when your not there that is even sicker and proves there isnt no respect!That is just my opinion.I guess im not as trust worthy as ya'll.Defently get tested though.
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193988_tn?1215027483
You do what works best for you.I hope all gets well. God Bless you and may you have a healthy pregnancy!!
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Avatar_n_tn
Your husband says he will be faithful to you and will work on the marriage.  The truth is that he will continue to cheat on you and will continue to lie and hide things from you.  He certainly feels guilty for what he has done, and for a few months, he will try to focus his attention on you and the baby.  However, the reason why he cheated in the first place has not disappeared and he will do it again with the same person.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Men are only good for sex and money...I stand by that. Coming from someone who just got cheated on and is preggo as well :) I should have listened to my mom when she said you don't need a man to have a baby! I'm sorry you are going through this I just found out a week ago so I know exactly how you feel! I hope it works out for you!
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