Aa
I am crushed :(
I am crushed. My daughter moved out yesterday to move in with his mother and him. She has only been with him for less than 2 months. She is 20 yrs old today and this is her first serious boyfriend. She is a community college nearby and has been living at home rent free. We paid for all expenses including her cell phone. She just lost her virginity to this guy just a few weeks ago. I am concerned for her because she is moving so fast. She got angry at my husband because he was fed up with her neglecting her stuff at home. She couldn't keep her room clean yet was going over his house to clean his mothers house. She was originally mad at us because we told her as long as she lives under our roof, she had to follow our rules. Well one of them was about going away for the weekend with her boyfriend, after only being with him for 1 month. She didn't like that we said no. I also believe that my husband and I have to agree on something in order for it to happen. If one wants it and the other doesn't then its a no. Sometimes we agree and sometimes we don't. That's marriage. We have been together 16 years. Anyway, I had told my daughter that if she moves in with him and then it would be a slap in the face to him. The mother of this guy offered to put my daughter up which put it in my daughters head. My daughter complained that my husband yells at her all the time and calls her names which is not the reality! He yells, yes but not all the time only when it has been so frustrating to get through to her. So I am angry at this mother for taking my daughters word without even consulting me and letting her shack up with her son after only being together for such a short time. My husband will have nothing to do with her and will not let her come see her brother and sister unless she gets a place of her own. How would you feel if your daughter left like that? She didn't take a step foward, which I would respect her for, but a step sideways. She knew the ramifications of this and did it anyway. Knowing how hurt I would be and we are close did it anyway. I know she is 20 now and can make her own choices but this is different. She did it because she was selfish and did it because she wanted her own way. I am worried she is not going to do well in school. I found out from my mother that she has been forking out the money whenever they go out. So now that has me worried. I think if my daughter wanted any long term relationship with this guy she got him on the wrong feet with us. I am just so angry that she would do this. How can I mend this? I am just so upset I can think straight. I feel like I have been replaced. Today is her birthday. I am mourning this day. Like I said I would have like to seen her move out and into her own just not with his mother and him after only less than a month and to do it because we got tired of seeing her laundry pile up and cat poop by the litter box( her cat). She was angry because after talking to her several times about this she didn't care. She did what she wanted until my husband could no longer take it. She wanted to be treated like an adult but acted like a love sick puppy who could have cared less. Anyway, what are your thoughts?
Paula
Paula
I gotta say and this is coming from a 29 year old mother of two little girls. You never stop wanting to do what is best for your daughter. Heck my mother still does this with me sometimes and I'm 29 and married. It's you being a mother.
The thing is you do have to let your daughter find out the hard way that you are correct. It may hurt your daughter, but in the long run it will make her stronger and have more wisdom.
The thing is you do have to let your daughter find out the hard way that you are correct. It may hurt your daughter, but in the long run it will make her stronger and have more wisdom.
Yes I agree you are right. Like I said before I wanted her to move out and experience life. I just told her I didn't want her moving there because it wasn't like she was venturing on her own. It was like she didn't like or care what we wanted so she moved in with his mother. My concerns were that she only had been with this guy for less than 2 months. He helps his mother pay bills and its in a bad part of town. They had talked about getting an apartment together and I was fine with that. At least it was a step forward and not sideways. It doesn't show independence to me. But what can I do. She is 20 and its her choice. I love her and she knows that I am here for her no matter what. Only time will tell how this will pan out. Thank you very much for your input. You all have made me feel better. It is so nice to talk to others and know you are not alone. Especially other moms.
Paula
Paula
I do think your daughter is 20 years old and is old enough to do what she wants. You can't keep her home forever nor is it good for her. Honestly I think it is best for everyone that she is out of the house and not living at home anymore although I'm not sure her new living situation is all that great either. She is 20 though, it's not up to you what she does anymore and the more you fight her the more you will be disappointed and the less she will care. I wish you losts of luck!
It wasn't like we told her to go clean her room. We were missing laundry oursleves and towels. She has in her room more than a dozen towels and some of my kids new school clothes. She takes laundry out of the dryer and only takes care of hers and then ours ends up with her dirty clothes. We talked to her many times and you would think that at 20 it wouldn't be a difficult thing to do. She didn't have to pay rent just keep a clean room and help around the house.
I think your right that its about just "telling them" to do makes them act out. I tell her that even at work your told what to do. There is always someone telling you what to do in life.
About her having sex. I was fine with that. I never thought she would wait till marriage. I didnt that is why at 38 I have a 20 year old daughter. I just have more fear I think beause I have been there too. I don't want her to follow my footsteps and regret it later.
Thank you everyone who posted. I so appreciate any advice you give to me.
Paula
I think your right that its about just "telling them" to do makes them act out. I tell her that even at work your told what to do. There is always someone telling you what to do in life.
About her having sex. I was fine with that. I never thought she would wait till marriage. I didnt that is why at 38 I have a 20 year old daughter. I just have more fear I think beause I have been there too. I don't want her to follow my footsteps and regret it later.
Thank you everyone who posted. I so appreciate any advice you give to me.
Paula
Cosmogal, there are VERY few 20-year-olds who will let themselves be told to "clean their room". I agree with Rockrose - it sounds like you are still treating her like a child. Even worse, because you're trying to help her, it's probably just pushing her away.
Lifestyles are different these days. Many young people move out of their parent's house ~18. I did and have lived on my own ever since. It was difficult on my parents, and we had to really focus on re-defining our relationship. I certainly don't appreciate my mother coming over and telling me that my house is dirty, nor do I go to her house and comment that it's too clean. Without that respect for how we both have our own way of doing things, we would just end up fighting all the time. It sounds terrible to feel replaced, but haven't you thought about this day coming? The day when she does leave and does not NEED you like she did when she was child. She will still always need you, but in a more mature relationship adult-to-adult.
So try to think about how your daughter is seeing things. I'm not saying that she's right (her actions are certainly selfish), but it's also time for her to carve out her own niche in who she is and the adult she is going to become. Telling her to clean her room isn't going to work anymore. Neither is trying to control her sexuality (and yes, these days young people seem more prone to exploring at relatively young ages). Think about re-defining your relationship with your daughter. Right now, getting angry is only driving her to look for a way out (and subsequently, make poor choices). Good luck.
Lifestyles are different these days. Many young people move out of their parent's house ~18. I did and have lived on my own ever since. It was difficult on my parents, and we had to really focus on re-defining our relationship. I certainly don't appreciate my mother coming over and telling me that my house is dirty, nor do I go to her house and comment that it's too clean. Without that respect for how we both have our own way of doing things, we would just end up fighting all the time. It sounds terrible to feel replaced, but haven't you thought about this day coming? The day when she does leave and does not NEED you like she did when she was child. She will still always need you, but in a more mature relationship adult-to-adult.
So try to think about how your daughter is seeing things. I'm not saying that she's right (her actions are certainly selfish), but it's also time for her to carve out her own niche in who she is and the adult she is going to become. Telling her to clean her room isn't going to work anymore. Neither is trying to control her sexuality (and yes, these days young people seem more prone to exploring at relatively young ages). Think about re-defining your relationship with your daughter. Right now, getting angry is only driving her to look for a way out (and subsequently, make poor choices). Good luck.
When this all falls apart (and it will) she will be back home. Please do not persecute her or push her away. Let her realize her mistake and help her learn from it. She will see in time that she made a bad decision. If you don't mind my saying so it sounds as if you were a bit too overbearing with her.
I TOTALLY agree with you about respecting your rules no matter what her age may be. I was brought up the same way and rebelled MANY times. I did however; always recognize my mistakes the hard way and that is how I learned my life lessons (unfortunately)
But... my parents were always there to help me back up (not always happy about it) but they were always there for me.
I understand your fear and sorrow, I really do. But, please try to give her a little bit of freedom and respect and perhaps she will change her attitude at home.
All my best to your family.
April is right about praying...it will help!
Good luck
I TOTALLY agree with you about respecting your rules no matter what her age may be. I was brought up the same way and rebelled MANY times. I did however; always recognize my mistakes the hard way and that is how I learned my life lessons (unfortunately)
But... my parents were always there to help me back up (not always happy about it) but they were always there for me.
I understand your fear and sorrow, I really do. But, please try to give her a little bit of freedom and respect and perhaps she will change her attitude at home.
All my best to your family.
April is right about praying...it will help!
Good luck
Did you post about this before Paula? Your story sounds so familiar - was your daughter planning a trip to New York with the boyfriend and the mother on her birthday?
She's 20 and it sounds like she's never lived on her own - she's always lived with you? She really sounds immature, and it sounds also like you both kind of treat her like she's not an adult.
I can understand you feeling disappointed, but I think you need to perceive this move for her in a different light. Rather than stating it's a "slap in the face" to your husband, I think you really need to view it as a grave mistake that will hurt her and eventually waste her time.
This family just sounds weird. The mother sounds very strange, and now your daughter is in that web, and it's about to get weird.
I hope you leave the door open for her to admit her mistake and come back home. She's young.
She's 20 and it sounds like she's never lived on her own - she's always lived with you? She really sounds immature, and it sounds also like you both kind of treat her like she's not an adult.
I can understand you feeling disappointed, but I think you need to perceive this move for her in a different light. Rather than stating it's a "slap in the face" to your husband, I think you really need to view it as a grave mistake that will hurt her and eventually waste her time.
This family just sounds weird. The mother sounds very strange, and now your daughter is in that web, and it's about to get weird.
I hope you leave the door open for her to admit her mistake and come back home. She's young.
Paula, I'm so sorry. I know how devestating this must be for you. I myself have a 19 year old son and a 15 year old daughter. I know how they can break your heart. I would be so hurt and worried if my son did that too. There were a few girlfriends in his past I was worried about. Fortunately, they didn't last. This is why I constantly pray for my kids! I don't think I could make it without God's help. My daughter foolishly gave her virginity to a boyfriend this last year. She snuck out of her window at night to see him. We tried to keep them apart, but kids will do what they want. She is very strong willed and rebellious at times. She has done a lot of foolish things this last year because she would not listen to our counsel and has caused herself and her dad and I a lot of pain. So I do understand! Our kids can bring us the greatest joy and also the greatest sorrow. But there comes a time where we have to let them go and make their own decisions. We have to hope that all those years of us teaching them our beliefs, morals and values will still be there in the back of their minds and that they will come around even if they rebell for awhile. There's a proverb in the Bible that says to train up a child in the way they should go and they will not depart from it. I think even if they depart for awhile, that they will come around in time and with a little maturity.
When I think back to when I was 20, I remember I was pretty self-centered too. I think that's pretty normal for that age. We think we're all grown up and in the eyes of the law we are, but we still have a lot of maturing to do.
If you're a believer, I'd say just pray, pray, pray! Pray that your daughter will see how much her parents love her and how certain relationships are not good for her. Pray for her protection and that she will begin to make good decisions. There's really not much more you can do. You can't preach to her, nag her or lecture her. That will only push her further away.
My heart goes out to you. How hard this must be to be seperated on her birthday! I know that's hard for any mom. Try and be brave. Send her a card and let her know you love her and miss her, but try to not lay on the guilt trip. It's hard, I know! If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here. I'm a mom too and I understand. I will be praying for the resteration and healing for your family. God bless.
Ps. You can PM me anytime. I will always be here and listen. Take care.
When I think back to when I was 20, I remember I was pretty self-centered too. I think that's pretty normal for that age. We think we're all grown up and in the eyes of the law we are, but we still have a lot of maturing to do.
If you're a believer, I'd say just pray, pray, pray! Pray that your daughter will see how much her parents love her and how certain relationships are not good for her. Pray for her protection and that she will begin to make good decisions. There's really not much more you can do. You can't preach to her, nag her or lecture her. That will only push her further away.
My heart goes out to you. How hard this must be to be seperated on her birthday! I know that's hard for any mom. Try and be brave. Send her a card and let her know you love her and miss her, but try to not lay on the guilt trip. It's hard, I know! If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here. I'm a mom too and I understand. I will be praying for the resteration and healing for your family. God bless.
Ps. You can PM me anytime. I will always be here and listen. Take care.
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