I cannot get over my ex husband (jealousy)

[OhHelpMe]

I have been seperated from my husband for a year and a half. I have made alot of mistakes during my marriage. I realize them now after I have left him. We share a wonderful daughter. We have remained close but we have both moved on. Back in August I asked him if he wanted to work things out. He hesitated, I could tell in his voice, he said it wasnt a good idea. Well he has moved on and so have I. We decided to continue with the divorce. My ex has found a nice woman and he tells me he loves her and is moving in with her. I have met a good man, but he isnt my ex. I want to be a family again. I am overwhelmed with hurt and a bit jealous. My guy takes good care of me, and we plan to move in together next month. I dont know what to do!!!!!

[Sara_MHModerator]

Hi there.  We appreciate everyone trying to help the original poster, however, they have not posted in quite some time.  We are now going to close this thread.  

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  Thread Closed ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Grace313]

I haven't read the other comments, however.....
I have been through these emotions myself.  I was the one who left my husband, and for good reasons.  I have had similar thoughts, despite a lot of heartache on my part.
I urge you NOT to move in with this new man.  It does not sound as if you are ready and that very likely will lead to problems down the line, and you have to not only consider you will lose him in your life, but so will your daughter.
Give it time.  A good man will wait for you until you are fully ready.  There is no need to rush.

[specialmom]

Hi blu, sorry for your sadness over this man.  Hopefully you will move on peacefully to a better relationship.  

The spell casters that pop up here are spam.  Their posts are always removed as the one you are referring to was.  I don't believe in this either to be honest but whatever floats someone's boats.   However, what you read here today was someone 'advertising' for a spell caster.  good luck

[BluCrystal]

I am 18 months out f a 17 year relationship.  I still hurt and cry over him, and admit I still love him.  He left me to go be with his family in his home country, 5,000 miles away from me.  Thing there is that he doesn't have evrything he looks at remind him of me.  Our lives were so entwined that if I were to attempt getting rid of everything that has a memory of him attached to it, my  house would be EMPTY.  I have tried to keep an open line of friendship with him, never speaking of other men (not that there are any).  But last time we spoke, he said some things that really made me angry.  I kept my feelings to myself, and continued to listen to him talk about himself for over an hour.  I realized that he has always done this - never asked about me, or how I was doing.  He's a narcissist.  Always doing the best, being the best, being 'better' than everyone else, and everyone else better tow his line or be told to eff off.  His way or the highway.  I have ALWAYS hated that about him, and tried my hrdest to soften him, which actually worked partially.  Now he's away from me, he seems like a real butt-hole and I love him anyway - gggrrr!  He is now ignoring me (it's been a month since we have spoken).  I don;t attempt to contact him more than every couple of weeks - because I really do want to hear that he is happy and doing well.  I wanted this for him from day one.  But now I'm thinking that maybe it's better that I don't speak to him.  My heart screams for him every time.  I try to give it to God, so He can guide my actions, and that helps some.  I was raised to believe that 'spell-casters' and 'witch-doctors' and 'palm-readers' are not 'of God', and that I would do well to stay away from them, which I have.  I'm surprised that this spell caster actually worked for you - I pray you didn't sell your soul to demons for that.  I'm glad you got what you wanted, though.

[Marie824628]

Out of curiosity towards getting some answers towards an unusual situation I'm facing, I too came to this site even though it was posted some time ago.  Just in my circumstance, it has to do with my husbands' ex wife and trying to somewhat understand her behavior.  First, I'd like to point out that no divorce is easy, especially when children are involved whether minor or adult aged.  I can also understand some jealousy issues towards myself or any new wife (or husband) to an extent, along with other awkward situations involving myself and stepchildren.  (Mine are adult-aged)  What I have a problem with is how far to allow this type of behavior to continue without having to cut off all ties with the person (in some ways I have, outside of special family occasions) who has these kind of issues especially when threats are involved or manipulation of children to go against the newly married parent?  My "stepsons" are grown men but are manipulated by their mother to now resent their father and myself.  I've noticed a few posts here which has the air of those needing some kind of pity over loss of their ex that they themselves caused but seemed to do very little to try to correct it..  I know that sounds a bit harsh, but that IS what it sounds like I'm afraid.  Marriage and commitment is a give and take covenant.  And it's mostly more of  a "give" than a take.  If one fails that or is no longer satisfied with what they are getting and make a choice to leave, then they have to live with that choice.  If there comes a time they regret that decision, well, they still have to live with that original choice and go on with their lives.  That's life, to face and deal with..    

I'd also like to point out though that this type of sticky situation realistically has nothing to do with me being the new wife...  I'm sort of like an outsider who is also resented after the fact and for no good reason.  

My suggestion to those that have made the wrong choices is to not look for pity, accept the choice you've made without resenting your past partner (who has gone on with his/her life) and especially, please don't hurt your children by trying to manipulate them to your side, just so you feel better about yourself...  because in the end, those will be the ones you truly hurt by further destroying their imagery on what is the ideal family unit.  

[wish4bestlife361]

Dear Oh Help Me,
I found your post today because I am going through the same relationship/post divorce issue as you did back in 2006. I found some comfort from this blog, i have been so depressed I let my ex go. I left him but feels so sorry I did. Your story is very similar to mine. PLease if its not too sad or time consuming please reply back to me as how you handled it after so many years? Did moving on process after divorce take you long? I have been divorced for the past 5 years and very bad things happened during the divorce which made him totally hate me, even though as a wife i was perfect.

[specialmom]

Hi, welcome to the forum.  First, let me suggest that you start your own post here as you've tagged on at the end of an old post.  Those often get missed and hence, not many post back to you.

anyway, sorry for your dilema and current state of things.  Sounds like it is really hard for you and yes, this is a great place to vent.  

My answer is simple and it is the one you do not want to hear---  to live in a seperate place from her for now.  Otherwise, you are in all of her 'business' that would be very hard to deal with if you want to be with her romantically again.  She needs to sort out her emotions and what she wants in life.  Honestly, you do as well--  but can't get to the point of realizing that because you two are still so entwined.  

I'm a huge fan of working it out for the sake of the children and hope that you can for your daughter.  But she isn't really trying to work it out now---  she just needs a place to easily rest her head.  This is confusing to you. And she too can't properly make a decision under this circumstance.  

So, I know you do not want to hear it, I think moving out for now is the best option to push this relationship to one point or another.  If you could live with her without the emotional issues, then your being together would be fine----  but you can't at this point.  It is too hard on you to stay there.  And I don't think it helps make her choose to be with you in the end.  

I'd move out and ask her to go to a counselor with you when she is ready to attempt a relationship again with you.  Wait as long as you are willing.  If it never happens, you will then have some distance from it to move on with your own life.  If it does happen, you can start anew without so many bad images in your head of what she did while you waited.  

good luck and peace.

[Jamss]

i find it strange that everyone so far that posted something has been a woman. Im in a sticky situation myself. ive come to realize a lot. my situation is me and my wife had been separated  for about a year and a half now we have a beautiful daughter that we are both grateful for she was my first for a lot of things. i have made some stupid mistakes in my time such as talking to one of my exes when my marriage was rocky. yes i missed the moments we had i never slept with her, but her friendship at the time was missed. my mistake there was i had promised to not talk to her but did anyways. she had gotten extremely lazy, resentful, and depressed and i tried nearly everything to cheer her up. after a couple years i began to feel depressed myself. i was the only one working i came home and my daughter was handed to me, i enjoyed it but was still tired. i cleaned the house when i had the chance. we wernt being passionate in the bedroom as often. once maybe twice a month. i ended up turning towards video games for my relaxation and she got upset that i was putting the games before her. eventually we split.

we split for some time now she had a few relationships within the year and i tried to move on and only had a fling which i regret because it didnt feel right. we were still married. needless to say were back living in the same building at least as roommates for our daughter and i still want to be with her. she just got out of a relationship that crushed her and all she wants is a friend which i am trying to be. but i still want the relationship. she has a bunch of guy friends and one in particular im pretty sure shes close with shes been over at his house a few nights in a row, slept in his bed, tho we are separated she keeps saying that its none of my business, tho she assures me they arnt having sex. she said she doesnt know what she wants and if we were to get together again it would be after shes over her recent ex. which im thinking shes just using this guy to get over him with. it kills me but i still want her in the end. to keep our family together. and if not im still having the hardest time breaking away from her. to move on myself. the best ive been able to do is find cute girls to talk to online, but nothing more. just casual conversation. my mind continues to wander towards this guy shes only friends with and my jealousy. i know my hopes are high and my best solution is to just move away from her. but thats not what i want. i feel i would have to be dragged out of it to get results. anyways im getting worked up again and my nerves are overwhelmed. i dont know if any suggestions will be offered but im sure you all can understand that i just needed to vent somewhere.

[CA1117]

I am wondering if my feelings will ever fade for my ex. We don't have children but were together 7 yrs, married 2 when I decided to leave. He's a great guy and loved me to death and I just feel I didn't love him the same because I wasn't fulfilled. He was my first and only real long term relationship. He's good looking, very motivated and has a very goal focused attitude and personality. I always got angry at him for accomplishing everything he wanted while I "followed" him and put my dreams and desires aside. Now though, we are divorced and I am living in NYC (my desired location!) But still miss my ex! It's still really fresh so I know that must be apart of it but I'm still really uncomfortable thinking of him alone or with someone else. The sad thing is it took me analyzing my journals from when we started dating to realize there were problems in the beginning.I would say he annoys me and I feel better when he's at work. I would write we want different things and that the love I have for him is not a reason to marry! I kind of know we should have never been married but I can't help but miss our cozy nights together. Another thing is I honestly never enjoyed being intimate with him but I think that's bc I didn't want kids right away and I was hoping that once I decided I did want kids, I would feel that desire for him. But it never happened! I don't know, I'm probably just depressed :(

[FFF261]

ASK HIM FOR A DIVORCE AND SEE HOW HE REACTS, THAT MAY SAVE THE LAST GREEN BOTTLE ON THE WALL

[regretsinlangley]

I can absolutely, totally understand what you are saying.  I am in the exact, identical position your in.  It is soooooo hard I know.  I wish I had some advise, but am looking for some myself.

I can't beleive your post, it's like I wrote it!

[loveless]

I think it is great that you both get on so well but you do have to remember what coursed you to break up in the first place, if you did decide to get back together and it didn't work out imagine how your daughter would feel.
My husband started to have an affair with an ex-girlfriend 7 months before we married and I did not find out about it until after we were married,I fought for our marriage but had to give up once he told me that he was moving in with her.We have 2 lovely young boys and every time he comes to see the boys he asks if we can have sex, at first I agreed because I thought we could get back together but when he told me that he was just using me I had to stop it.
Now he wants the children to meet her but I don't think any of us are ready for that but he won't listen.
I wish I had your strenght to move on but I just feel as if I am going to be on my own forever and I am only 27

[PlateletGal]

"To answer some questions, No I didnt do everything I could to save my marriage, that was my fault."


Thank you for answering my question. I think this is part of what is creating most of these emotions you have right now. You probably wish now that you had seeked counseling and worked harder to save your marriage. There is a song by a heavy metal band that goes, "don't know what you got, until its gone". Aint that the truth !

My thoughts are this: When someone is conflicted, they need to resolve the situation. I don't know about you, but when I'm conflicted, I'm anxious. I hate it. You have to confront your emotions and make some important decisions. I honestly question whether or not you should be moving in with your boyfriend at this time. My opinion is that you shouldn't, until you resolve this. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would consider talking to my ex-husband about how I was feeling. I would also let him know that I had regrets... that I had wished now that I should have fought for our marriage. I think being honest is very important. I think if you've had this conversation with him, that it may give you some closure.

[OhHelpMe]

I appreciate everyone's comments. Thank You for them being positive. To answer some questions, No I didnt do everything I could to save my marriage, that was my fault. He tried, he tried so hard and I pushed him away. alot of our problems I thought were because he showed no emotion during our marriage.  Things werent important to him, he would often say "it doesnt matter or I dont care" I know its my fault what has happened. I dont want to ruin his life, but its so hard to move on. I miss us being a family having that cozy feeling, he is the only one I've ever been truly comfortable with. He gets me. I know I should let him go. Today I got my divorce papers delivered, on the envelope it said "Happy New Year" will it?

[ce lake mary]

I think the fact that you have a child between the two of you makes it more difficult. However, there is a reason why two people break up-because it was not working.   Try and remember why you broke up.  You were not getting something from him and just because you had a change of heart doesn't mean that it will work now.  People always want something that they can not have.  This is the case when you asked him if he wanted to try and again and you were met with "no."  Everyone has regrets and some people will have regrets for a long time.  However, teach your child how love is supposed to work.  Move in with the new guy as long as you are not settling.  Your child will learn any mistakes that you make and regard them as normal.  Teach your child love, compromise, and a healthy relationship.  Nothing makes a parent more proud then to have a child that is successful in life, love and career.  You set the tone for that.  Never talk bad about the other parent to any family member or the child.  After all you picked them and that is a reflection on you and the decision you made.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

First of all, I think it is wonderful that you speak and think highly of your ex.  That is a wonderful gift to give your daughter.

Second, there was obviously problems, or you wouldn't have split.  Now you are looking at him through rose coloured glasses.  You need to remember why you broke up in the first place.

Thirdly, please do not rush in to move in with a new guy.  It's so hard on the kids.  Wait until you know this is a forever relationship.  Also, it's not fair to you or the gentleman.  There is nothing wrong with being on your own.  I was a single mum for 10 years before I met my dh and he was so worth the wait.

I wish you well.

[pertykitty]

what is done is done. it doesnt mean there arent some feelings there still. but the best you can do is try to get yourself together then see what life brings you. you never know, my friends parents divorced, she was with someone else and now they have been married again for many years!!

[PlateletGal]

It sounds like you are conflicted. Boy that creates anxiety, doesn't it ? I have a question for you: in the past, did you try everything possible to save your marriage ?

[OhHelpMe]

I found out today my divorce was official last week. I have not recieved the papers, my attorney's office called. I am going to wait to move in with the new man. I have an appointment to see a couselor soon, but not soon enough. I miss the way things were, I know I cant get it back, I dont even have the courage to even ask him because I am afraid it will ruin the good relationship we have now. He got quiet on the phone when i told him about the divorce but then he started rambling about his new girlfriend like he is trying to make me jealous and i dont act like I am but I know I am!!!!!!!!

[happybaby23]

I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband, however, it was him who was the jealous one.  I moved on and was more happy than I had ever been and he couldn't stand it.  He had a girlfriend as well, but when it got really serious between me and my now husband he all of a sudden just had to have me back.  He seemed to keep forgetting it was his infidelity and mental abuse that split us up.

The most important thing is to remember why you separated in the first place.  All exes are exes for a reason and usually the only reason we even think about wanting them back is if we are lonely or jealous.  If he wasn't dating this other woman would you even think about wanting him back?  

I think you should hold off on moving in with a new man until you sort all of your feelings out.  You are not being fair to anyone else involved if you move in with this man with the way you are feeling.  Maybe with some sort of counseling you will be able to get a new perspective on things and move on to find someone who will truly make you happy.

[sparkeler]

Are you sure your not with this other man just b/c your husband has found somebody else?  You say you moved on, but your jealous.  I've never been married but have been inlove before.  I'm inlove with my current boyfriend & could care less about who past loves are with now.  I know you two share a child together, so you should have a genuine  concern as to who he's dating.  Are you sure your not jealous b/c he's happy with someone else that isn't you?  I think you have to sort out some feelings before you move in with your new beau.  What's the rush?  Good luck & Happy New Year!

[PlateletGal]

I wouldn't be surprised if your ex-husband is also a little jealous of the relationship between you and your boyfriend.

How to get over jealousy ? Be happy for him and see him as a friend now, which is the truth because that is what you both have chosen to become to one another. If you can do this, it will make you feel so much better !

[pertykitty]

i can relate, i divorced my son's father as well. you say you have moved on, but yet you want to try again. i think part of the problem is you are just seperated, sometimes the finality of divorce is needed to move on. maybe you need to talk to someone to help with your feelings. of course you want to try again, you love your daughter, who wants to be "divorced" and start new? BUT, you have to remember why you two seperated in the first place. if he is with someone new, and truely doesnt want to give things a try, you have to move on! i also think having these feelings make it a bad decision to move in with another man. its not fair to you, him or your daughter. we have to be careful with our children. set good examples. if we let them see us date this man, or live with that man, what will she grow up thinking love is about? i never let my son meet anyone i dated after untill it was a serious relationship. take care of yourself. you might just need some you time to get things straight. im sure you really care for this other man, but maybe hold off on the moving in, it will be hard for your little one to get used to dad having a new woman in the home, and you having a new man.