I don't know what to do, Please Help!!

[pinkbutterfly87]

I'm at a breaking point and don't know what to do. I'm 26 and been married since 6/3/2013. I have been with my husband for 3years. Two months after we were married I ended up taking off to go stay with family to get away from him because he hurt me so bad. Meaning I caught him in lies after lie, he would be very mean and rude to me around people then to top it off I walked in on him and he was doing the sex web cam stuff and even sat up a profile, he would also leave me at home not answer his phone and be gone days and nights at a time and when he decided to come home I would get yelled at and treated wrong when I done nothing wrong that's just a little of how he done me. So I had enough and left I was gone for 2months and he said he would change and he did everything was better. Then starting 3 weeks ago I've been catching him in lie after lie from lying about money to where he is. I would be talking to our friends and I tell them something and I get informed that it was something totally opposite. Yesterday Im at work and he is suppose to be taking care of things so he drops me off at work and all through the day he is leading me to believe he is here and there and that why he couldn't answer and he played it off so good I believed him until I received the text message that he dropped his phone and its not working at that time I knew something wasn't right so I call one of his family members that he tells me hes with and she proceeds to tell me hes not there and she hasn't seen him at all. I lost it he had my debit card I told him to bring it to my work right then. Then he wants to ask me what my problem is and why I m acting like I am. That evening we are home and he continues to lie to me he blew our rent money and told me so many stories. I just don't know what to do anymore. I love my husband so deeply but im tired of getting yelled at, him raising his hand to me having to worry if he is going to hit me again, and getting accused of things I don't do all because he feels guilty. He expects me to just get over it and put a smile on my face and act like nothing ever happened or he starts flipping out. I don't lie to him and never do I go behind his back. If I would ever do any of these things to him I would more than likely be in the hospital. Its not fair, I don't deserve this at all. He has lied so much I seriously cant believe a word he says. I cant have any private conversations with anyone because he is always right there and nor can I go anywhere without him because I get accused but its ok for him to do these things and im not suppose to get mad. Ive had all I can take. Can someone please help me with some advice, anything!!!  

[tfrost1988]

Smart move.  Thank YOU for standing up and not just being a victim.  my mom went through this same stuff and you know what it proves?  No matter how much you love him, he clearly doesn't love you.  Well done!

[pinkbutterfly87]

We'll I just wanted to tell all of you that I got out of that relationship. I left him and I'm filing for divorce. I packed everything of mine up and moved back to my home town he repeated over and over and after talking to y'all and other people it helped me enough to get the courage up to do this. His family all of a sudden turned on me now act like they can't stand me sorta hurts but I can over come it. I want to thank everyone for the kind words and advice it really helped me alot

[Brag251]

I can imagine what you are feeling because I was there too. I definitely would see a therapist and take it from there. Just because you had married him does not mean you have to livea life of misery. You should always trust your spouse and if they give you a reason not to thennyou need to leave.

[noghre111]

If I were you, I'd ask myself WHY I love this man.  Then I'd use the answer , to work on myself for the better.

and yes, I'd leave him this second.  at 26, start learning new things, new skills, more education, and work towards your future.  

[pinkbutterfly87]

I talked with him and told him I am thinking about seeing a therapist because I do think it will help. I'm going to try and stand strong on what I told him, which was I will leave him if he does this again. He really feels that I wont and I don't want to. I just get so confused cause for a couple days everything is ok then bam, its a repeat. I have told him if he puts his hands on me again that I will call the cops this time and I do mean that. I think he really does believe me on that. Sometime when I do think about leaving him I don't for the simple reason, I get scared, I don't know what he may do and I don't want to live in fear so I just think itrs better off to get through the problem.  

[Cobra07]

I've been in a very similar situation to yours. And yes, it was heartbreaking having to leave him, but I did and still have a therapist, and he helped me A LOT!! You definitely need to go see one,and not just as a couple, but by yourself also. You'll be surprised.  To be able to get a non-biaist (sp?) opinion will be very helpful. Don't expect a "fix". they are not there to tell you what to do, they are there to guide you and get down to the real reasons that you do/do not do things. I hope it all works out for you. I would like to keep in touch with you. I am concerned.

[Londres70]

Well.....you failed to mention "therapy" in your discussion last night.  Therapy is very much in order here and he has to be committed to going as the marriage will have ZERO chance of surviving without it.  

Sounds like he is a porn addict and an abuser, so keep in mind these issues just won't vanish overnight and they may never vanish even with therapy on board.  

All the best......you will need it.

[AnnieBrooke]

It sounds like a good time to do couples' counseling, since you've both opened the door by discussing it without him flying off the handle and all.  A good counselor will be able to give you processes and tools and a vocabulary to use when talking about it, and will help your husband see other ways to handle things besides just being defensive and trying to put things on you.  This is a lot for a couple to do alone, I would strongly advise getting a good counselor now.

[Life360_Dave]

Great and glad things are being talked about and do keep us posted.

[pinkbutterfly87]

Well last night when I got home I tried talking to him and at first he kept jumping on defense and flipping everything on me and of course it kept an argument going on and on. After about 2 hours he finally stopped and talked with me and told me that he keeps acting like this because he knows he messed up and he is hurt knowing that he hurt me and that's the only way he knows how to handle it. He expected me to just act like nothing happened and move on and I told him that it hard to just get over it that its going to take me some time, that he is just going to have to work with me and not get mad at me if I'm feeling depressed or if I get in a bad mood. Like I told him also he needs to know that I'm doing everything I can to get over this. I told him that it's not that easy and he would never know what it feels like until it's done to him and I would never do that to him. At the same time I told him that two wrongs don't make a right so I do know I cant continue to throw everything in his face everyday because that's just not right and nothing will get better. I really do think he regrets what he done and I hope and pray I can come to trust him again. I know what some people may think and I wanted both sides of the story out there, I'm not trying by any way trying to make my husband just look like this horrible person because he is a wonderful person that really does make me happy and he has a big heart. He just has his problems and ways that he approaches things in the wrong way. Anyways I do thank ya'll for listening and talking with me and I will continue to keep it updated on how everything is going cause I may need more advice.

[pinkbutterfly87]

I think that's really about the only option that I can try. Tonight I'm going to try and talk to him and see if therapy is something he is willing to do. If not, I may just go for my self. But no I cant see myself living like this that long, I really cant. I have a lot of things to think about and I'm definitely going to look into finding a therapist just for me so I can get to the bottom of this. I want to thank both of you for taking the time to help me out.

[Life360_Dave]

Ok i do understand. You are with a person that you love who treat you very bad and it dosent seem to be getting better. What you doing works for a while and he knows he can calm you down be nice texts but then dissappears for days at a time and you dont know what to do.
Another option is to try some professional counceling but from what your describing is way outside those of the average marital problems.

[AnnieBrooke]

If you are genuinely confused about why you stay with him, go see a therapist and talk it out.  My guess is that you know what this is all adding up to, you just don't want to accept the fact that your marriage does not match your ideal (or frankly, even someone's average) image of a marriage.  Why stay with someone who treats you badly?  Because he is good at manipulating you with apologies?  You just aren't describing a real marriage where the man loves his wife and has respect for her.  Do you want to live with this forever?  Can you take 10 years of this, or 20 years?  Because nothing is going to change, this is his pattern.

[pinkbutterfly87]

Your right true love does hurt but true love is what causes hurt so I have to disagree with you. I'm a intelligent person with a lot to offer. I have confidence in myself and I am beautiful. Some people may not say these thing but I'm by far not just staying with him because I'm afraid of rejection, you are way off. Hopefully someone else will understand what I'm trying to figure out.  

[Life360_Dave]

He married you for personal reasons. True love does not play childish games like this. I feel part of you does not want to let go due to rejection, If you truly loved him you would leave because you could not take the hurt anymore. People take hurt like this for reasons other than love.

[pinkbutterfly87]

See that's why I don't get it cause he wanted the marriage and proposed to me. Yea I talked about it but I honestly didn't push it on him. See he has always been the one that makes the money well at least the money that pays rent and everything I need. My jobs are half of his income so I know it's not for that reason. That's why it makes it hard cause I just don't trust him at all anymore after this. Its like today since I've been at work he texts and he's being so sweet and apologizing and telling me he loves me. It makes me start feeling bad for him but at the same time I cant even stand to listen to him cause every time I look at what he wrote or hear his voice its just a reminder what he done. He really hurt me and he knows this but I don't think he really cares. What's sad is I put up with it and he would tell you his self "she wont leave me" it's sad because it's true. How can I love someone and want to live my life with that person if he does me that way. Does that mean something is wrong with me?

[Life360_Dave]

Hi, and sorry what your going through. I feel you pushed him into marrying you out of your love, which is ok, and he married you for financial reasons and other things he needs from you. He his is only for himself. Ive been through this a few times in my life also and walking away got me into a much better place and yesterday was married 25 years. Its your life and you need to take control of it.