my father has chose girlfriend over me

[grasam84]

hi,i'm after some advice with coping with my following problem.my mother and father split when i was 2,up until i was 5 he bothered with me but this all change when he got with his current girlfriend.she didnt like my mother therefore she didnt like me and still doesnt 25 years later!!!..he moved in with her on the next road and never showed any interest.she wouldnt let me in the house,i had to visit him stood on the doorstep and sometimes she'd say he was in the shower.as i grew older i sort of rebelled in my teen years relying on alchohol to block it out.i was never a raging alchoholic but i liked a drink,although at the time i didnt know why i was drinking.my mother remarried 3 times after my dad,i got on well but i only ever wanted my real dad to be there.as i got even older and into my twenties.i tried to take control of the situation but that didnt work.i've written letters,tried asking him to go for a drink and talk also tried shouting and telling him i didnt want to know him,but only got dissapointed in what reply i got.he has listened to her for 25 years and the pain doesnt seem to be easing for me...i now have 2 kids and live on the same road as them.i put on a brave face as we dont speak at all now. i could go on all week with this ........but basically would like to know if anybody else has had similar experiences and how they cope with it.many thanks.

[jemma116]

I have read your last comment about counselling, which I was going to suggest to you.

I see that you are in the UK.  Make an appointment with your doctor and ask him if he can refer you for counselling.  You will find it helpful in the long run.  

It is sad that your own father does not have any contact with you.  Have you tried writing him a letter?  

Do not blame yourself, it is not your fault that your parents split up.  Counselling will help you to come to terms with the situation.

Best wishes.

[grasam84]

thankyou to everyone for taking time to write and share your experiences....i have taken on board these comments. it is so frustarting as i know where the problem lies but cant get close enough to rectify it as long as she's in the frame ,she has absolutely no time for me at all.she has never once in 25 years give me a chance...but she can judge me!!!. and i know now that my children will never be without a father which is maybe the only good thing to come from this situation.i walk past his house on a daily basis with my kids and he has never once come out but has her grandaughter calling him grandad.i'm not against that as my stepfather is a great grandad to my own but when you have no contact with your own grandchildren it's unfair.i am considering some sort of counselling to help me move on for good this time .thanks again.

[specialmom]

I do understand Tink.  In my case, I used to try to make excuses for my dad.  I finally realized in my 20's through therapy that the problem wasn't me.  It was him.  Very freeing.  I know the pain of parents that don't live up to what we think they should.  I don't have substance to blame for my dad's issues but it just is who he is.  A distant father.  I thrive on connection and bond and some people don't.  Some allow selfish desire to rule their world.  

Anyway, I do feel bad for all children, even adult children who have parents that didn't take the job seriously.  peace to all

[TTinKKerBBell]

OMGolly SpeacialMom, You are SO right!!  Parents ARE supposed to do better, but sometimes they don't.  We SHOULD be able to count on Our Parents, but sometimes We can't.  Thankfully, it's the exception and not the rule.  It's impossible for Loving Parents to even understand how this happens.  In my own case, I'm able to largely blame my Mother's alcohol addiction - in a weird sort of way, it helps to know  alcohol poisoned Her mind and Her heart.  You sometimes take comfort from where ever You can find it.

[specialmom]

Very true life but I do think that parents should know better.  So many bring kids into the world and then do wrong by them.  We should be able to count on our parents if no one else.  Very sad when we don't and trust me, not all parents are like this.  I feel bad for those who get a bum deal due to selfish parents.  peace

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also, ive went thought he same with my dad and does hurt. Ive also had girls that hurt me, wives that cheated on me and had best friends who used me.

It finally dawned on my that i was seeking something from the outside that could only be fullfilled my me. People come and go in our lives weather it be family, friends or loved ones and when its all said and done and the dust settles the person left standing with your best interests in mind will be YOU!

[specialmom]

I too just want to say that I am sorry.  Weak people allow a new significant other to do this type of thing.  And while I'm sure you love your dad, he's obviously very weak.  I'm sure he didn't 'choose' her actively but rather fell into the situation because he was too weak to stand up for himself and you.  Someday he may know what he has done.  I hope so.  peace

[Londres70]

I can imagine this is extremely painful to deal with on a daily basis especially when you both live in such close proximity.  

I can't say if he is "listening" to her or not, however, he has the ultimate say over his actions/what he does.  Why he is choosing not to have a relationship with you.....who knows.  

I can't see you doing any more than what you have done to try to correct the situation.  I would say put all your energy into your own family and perhaps he may "come to his senses" one day.  

Unfortunately you can't make someone want a relationship with you.  Sounds like you should just disengage from the situation for your own mental health and even consult a professional therapist to give you the tools to cope with this properly and in a healthy manner.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I'm so sorry for Your pain.
I am much older than You and it took years to come to terms with my own relationship with my Mother.  She was an alcoholic from the time I was born and I remember being physically abused by Her from the age of 3 (it probably began before I can remember).  The emotional abuse was enormous as well.  I had 2 younger brothers who my Mother doted on.  So in my very young mind, I thought there was 'something' wrong with me and I thought it had something to do with me being a girl.  I read a fairy tale that suggested if You could kiss Your own elbow, You could change Your gender - I literally tried to kiss my own elbow every day right up until I was 14 years old!!  This is a true story!!.  As You might imagine, that didn't work so in order to escape my Mother's abuse I made a very poor marriage at the age of 15.  My Husband started cheating when I was 17 years old and I stayed with Him for 15 years.  My anguish was huge but I had learned a long time ago how to function under abuse. (I finally left my Husband, but this was supposed to be about how I dealt with my Mother).  I did come to realize that there wasn't 'something'  'wrong' with me - that My Mother and My Husband each had/have serious issues ThemSelves.  I worked very hard on own my mindset and attitude.  I came to think that nothing 'sacred' happens when an egg and a sperm meet - that's just biology.  I didn't 'pick' my Mother and She didn't 'pick' me either.  We just kinda, sorta ended up with one another and it was 'okay' if She didn't like me.  My Mother remained a practicing alcoholic till the day She died.  I came to have deep compassion for My Mother as I came to realize that while I was able to work through my own issues, She never did.  In the end, I think Her pain was greater than mine, in the sense that I was able to put mine away and She never did.
Your situation is different than mine but I tell You this as I believe that what gave me peace about my relationship with my Mother was my OWN mind set and attitude.  
You may think my story here was long but it was not.  There is so much more I could say, but everything runs into everything else and it's impossible to make it clear in this forum.  The main thing I want to say to You is You can change nothing from Your past, You cannot change Your Father's behavior, the ONLY thing You can change is Your own mind-set and attitude - and be the Best Parent You Can Be because You Know and Understand How Important and Meaningful it is to Your Children.  This is the lesson Your Father taught You.
(P.S.  I'm so glad I was never able to kiss my elbow 'cuz today I am married to a man who 'celebrates' that I'm a girl!!)