IS MY HUSBAND WORTH IT

[mesmerisin]

I AM A 31YRS OLD INDIAN WOMAN. MY LIFE HAS BEEN QUITE DRAMATIC AND PAINFULL SINCE CHILDHOOD.I GREW UP SEEING MY PARENTS FIGHTING,ABUSING AND ACCUSING EACH OTHER.THEY WENT AS FAR AS PHYSICALY ASSAULTING EACHOTHER.I WAS EXTREMLY QUITE AS A CHILD BUT GOOD IN STUDIES.UNFORTUNATELY MY FATHER MARRIED ME OFF FORCEFULY AT THE AGE OF 19.I WANTED TO STUDY FURTHER AND MAKE MY CAREER BUT IN VAIN.MY HUSBAND HAD A TOURING JOB AND MORE OFTEN THAN NOT I WAS ALONE EVEN ON SUNDAYS.HE USED TO LIE TO ME ABOUT HIS GIRLFRIENDS.FREQUENTLY WENT OUT WITH THEM.AM NOT SURE WETHER HE WAS SEXUALY INVOLVED OR NOT.MY LIFE GOT WORSE AFTER MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN,HE SIMPLY REJECTED MY PROPOSALS TO VISIT A COUNSELOR.HE HAD ALL THE FUN WITHOUT ME.I MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE BUT MY FATHER REFUSED TO ACCOMODATE ME.MY SCHOOL FRIEND CAME UP AND SHOWED ME RAY OF HOPE.DESTINY HAD WORSE PLANS WHEN I GOT MARRIED TO HIM.HE LEFT DELHI AS HIS PARENTS WERE DEAD AGAINST OUR UNION.ITS BEEN 5YRS NOW ,I AM STIL WAITING FOR HIM TO COME BACK.HE SENDS A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY AND STAYS AWAY FOR MONTHS.I AM ALL ALONE MAKING WAY FOR MY DAUGHTER AND MYSELF IN THIS TYPICAL INDIAN SOCIETY.LIFE IS VERY DIFFICULT.I AM TIRED OF ASKING HELP FROM OTHERS.ALTHOUGH MY DAUGHTER GIVES ME A LOT OF HAPINESS.SHE IS VERY INTELIGENT AND HAS A LOT OF POTENTIAL.I AM TOTALLY DEVASTATED. WHAT SHOULD I DO? SHOULD I BREAK OFF YET AGAIN AND LIVE ALONE WITH MY DAUGHTER?SHOULD I SEEK ANOTHER MAN? MY PRESENT HUSBAND IS AS HOSTILE AS THE FORMER.WHEN I ASK HIM TO COME ALONG TO A COUNSELOR,HE SAYS'YOU ARE MAD SO YOU GO'.PLEASE HELP ME DOCTOR.

[mesmerisin]

hi! how are you doin? ya, you are right ,i got a lot of support from this forum.earlier i was confused but thanks to all the women who posted comments to show me the way.atleast now i know i have a medium through which i can get my problems solved.even a professional would'nt have thought about my condition on this level.

          hope you have recovered after your miscarriage.dear triv i would suggest you to postpone your plans of getin a baby.first of all you are dependent on your hubby,secondly your marriage is not working.it is very difficult to bring up a child all alone.moreover, its best for child to live with both the biological parents.the shoe wearer knows where the pinch is.


  would you like to have a baby of a man whom you are not going well along? anyways,keep writing in  if ever feel the need.

   love

[triv]

Hi mesmerisin & everybody else on this block!!!
It's really great to come across women like u'll.I am an indian too and completed understand what mesmerisin your problems are...I know how our society thinks.But I must say you are at the right place with right people.These forum make life soo much easier and simplifies the confusions in our lives.
I too am married (No kids,had a M/c twice) and my husband keeps saying "I'll will take it as long as i can,the moment i can't,we go our own ways"Thats makes me very unsecured as my recent m/c was just a month back and it happened in my 6th mth,i delivered my baby and really miss her!!Though I am educated,i am dependent on him,so at times i really fear,what if we seperate???I won't have anyone who is mine?Though my parents are great,but i would never want to be a burden on them,so i keep praying that God should bless me with one baby who can give me a reason to live,work and be happy even if my husband wants to leave me later!!!!

[PlateletGal]

Hi mesmerisin,

I'm so happy to hear that you have a plan and know what you need do to. Doesn't it feel good?  I wish you the best and if times get a little rough, remember the pay off is huge ! You deserve to be happy and your daughter is lucky to have such a strong mother.

You are right. I am not Asian.. I live in America. But I think I understand and can relate to how you are feeling.

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted if you would like !

[mesmerisin]

should i say thanks to you, as i am actually feeling sorry for you.that was extremely touchy!i am feeling stronger now as i uderstand i am not alone out there.this world is full of such beautiful women who gave all but got nothing in return.it doesnt matter its india,america or any other part of the world,women are same.i had a different perception earlier about women in the western world.i thought they are too practical and they dont sulk over broken relationships.why women are so good?

      this space was'nt enough for me to describe what havoc men have brought in my life.my father,father of my little daughter and my childhood friend (my second husband),all are same.my mother sympathises with me but she doesn't have any power to help me.my daughter would never ever undergo any such thing as i am behind her.i might have proven weak for myself but i would be stronger than rock if,god forbid ,she ever feels even an iota of my pain.

[borninquisitive]

mesmerisin,

This is a very difficult question to ask...ourselves. Yet, it shouldn't be...especially if it so clearly obvious...yet, we still struggle, don't we?

When young, I told myself that once married, stay married. Divorce is not good. This coming from an idealist and yes, one with a religious background. Not that my parent's taught this, both too had previous marriages. They did try to teach me to try and apply effort and that humans are worth it. Though they did not mean for me to be a "glutton for punishment."

Having said this. I married young and two children, girls, were produced from that marriage. Bad marriage, beautiful girls.
My previous marriage was abusive. I wanted out of that marriage, years prior but I always clung to hope. Years passed, it became worse.

One day, I woke up and upon putting my feet on the floor...found that my heart was empty, void of any love for him. A few days prior, he had hit me (my daughter witnessed it and fully understood it) and I swore then, it wouldn't happen again. Yet I struggled. I turned to my Bible, I prayed, I cried...I agonized over it. Then, the answer came to me in questions. As I stood there, quietly, gazing out my front window...these questions: If you leave your husband, will/can your girls find happiness? A: Yes. Will/can you find happiness: A: Yes Your husband: A: Yes. This better for everyone! We were all unhappy in the union.
I was worried that my girls would be devastated and to an extent, it was hard for them but the happiness we found on account of leaving him made the transition easy. Easier than I initially thought!

I strongly suspected that in leaving him, I would be doing the right thing. After I did and seeing the improvements, confirmed it.

I for one do think that to put another first, is putting yourself first. HOWEVER, NOT if there isn't mutual respect and "give & take" on both sides.
My husband and I were "unequally yoked." We didn't belong together. It took 7 years to figure that out. I wasted 7 years on him and didn't want to lose another year in false hope.
I didn't want my growing girls to think our relationship was "normal." I did not want this kind of relationship to become a legacy. NO!
The problem was mind, I didn't want it to become my daughters.
Somebody in our relationship had to take control and do the right thing. I decided, that it had to be me.

Life has been considerably better, not having him in our lives. I have since remarried.

I wouldn't dive into another relationship. Spend some time creating your own life with your daughter. Eventually, love will find it's way back into your life and it will be for the right reasons.

Best,
~Kate

[mesmerisin]

thank you so much for your comments.now i can see what exactly i need to do.yes! i am trying to be financialy independent.this is my last year for a degree in english literature.i can earn even now but my priority is my daughter.being a single parent i want to be around her rather than sending her to a day care center.men could do all this with me even when i am extremely beautiful ,intelligent and kind hearted.you dont seem like an asian yet you could identify with my problem.thank you so much once again.

[PlateletGal]

Hi mesmerisin,

I think it is quite clear that you are in an unhealthy relationship. I think most women have been there at one time or another, myself included. The question is, should any woman have to put up with a man who disrespects her? The answer, for me anyway, would be no !

I think it is time to put yourself first. When you put yourself first, you are not being selfish. When you put yourself first, you are reclaiming your life and making decisions as to how YOU want to live and what is best for you & your daughter. You are also setting boundaries, making decisions as to how you will be treated and what you will tolerate. You are not only reclaiming your life, but you are reclaiming your power as well. This man or any man, for that matter, does not own you!

Seeing another man is not a solution to this problem. I know in my instance, I left my ex-boyfriend and found a cute little duplex and moved there. I had to find myself again and to be honest with you, that was such a happy time for me. I got my power back and three years later, married a good man.

My suggestion to you is first seeing a counselor. And then making that critical decision that only you can make.... whether you should leave him. It would be good if he went to counseling as well (perhaps at first separately), but if he refuses, don't let him hold you back in YOUR progress. Seek help and then if you choose to leave this man who is disrespecting you -- then find a way to earn an income to be free of him and decide to never let a man ever disrespect you like that ever again !