Why do you feel that you are loveable?

[mayflowers]

I am asking this question, b/c I don't feel like I"m loveable.  I feel like I"m broken or doomed and that no one will ever truely love me.  I see on here women who feel loved by their husbands/boyfriends and I just want to know what is so different about me and you.

I am going through a rough patch, just broke up with my b/f and trying to understand a failed marriage.  

Can anyone, anyone at all, give me some advice on why you think you are loveable?

Thank you,
Andrea

[KATE535]

When I've been ''curious'' what my partner loves about me - I've asked him, in a fun way, not too seriously, to tell me my good and bad points. I was surprised by some of the points as sometimes you don't see the person you are, that others see.
He said I was:
Funny
Beautiful
Adorable
Great in bed (Lol)
Caring
Enthusiatic - he said I say Yes more than I say No to lots of things
Things have a lot of meaning to me - a Deep person

He said other things I can't remeber now...
He gave me some bad points too which we giggled about... he said I was lazy sometimes and can be moody. But hey, no one's perfect !!!

Ask someone who you care for to give you some good/bad points about yourself if you need a bit of reassurance about yourself. I agree with the others, you're probably loveable in your own way but you haven't found the right person to bring that out in you yet.

[ForestAnimal]

I don't feel lovable. I am honest to a fault (I think it's a good thing, but others end up hating me for it), loyal, faithful, logical and definitely not ordinary. It seems like I don't fit into society in the least bit. My boyfriend and I will have been together for 3 years as of Feb 9, and it's just been a hell ride. I'm not even sure we'll make it to our 3rd anniversary. I have no friends in person... They all turned against me for no reason I could understand time and time again, so now I have nothing to do with anyone in person on a friendship basis because I know people just pretend to like me for a few weeks or months. I feel like I have a lot to offer and should be lovable, but I can't find anyone who appreciates me and my eccentricities/transsexuality (I'm actually physically female, which is extremely painful to say. There is nothing wrong with being female, but my brain doesn't match, so it's a big problem!). I have a lot of problems obviously. I can't stand porn... so that's a problem in finding a partner because it seems like everybody does it and thinks it's okay (so no support there!). I am a gay man in a woman's body... so that's a problem finding a partner because I act like a man, talk like a man, generally think like a man, am hairy like a man, lack all manners like a man, lack some hygiene and a clean house, am very dominant, on and on (of course I'm generalizing). Through it all, I did find a partner who accepts and actually loves that part of me, and I love him but he's awful to me. I stick around to him because I crave love so much. I don't feel like I've ever had love, except from my mother, and not even she understands me. My father abandoned my mother and I for a ***** and he even attacked me in court because I wear black... accusing me of being Satanic and a bunch of absurd CRAZY lies! I just want someone to understand, love, appreciate and respect me for who I am. I am not a bad person, but nearly everyone treats me like I am because I'm different. I'll never understand. To fully answer your question though, I'll give a few reasons why I think I SHOULD be lovable (but I'm not)... :(
I'm loyal, faithful, brutally honest, philosophical, love animals (I keep everything from bugs and spiders to lizards, snakes, toads, squirrels, fish, hamsters, dogs, cats, donkeys, horses... I love them all), intelligent, nice to whomever is nice to me, very straightforward, logical, good at a lot of things, artistic (write music, draw, sculpt, etc,), love the outdoors, don't smoke or drink or do drugs (used to, will NEVER go back, long story), don't look at porn (used to, will NEVER go back, it's just sick), am active but can be a couch potato sometimes, have a TON of sex drive (overdrive?), am responsible, can admit when wrong, am not brainwashed by American society, not fat, moderately attractive face, naturally blonde, blue eyes, pale skin (Swedish heritage), don't like gossip, like to travel, Christian, can laugh at myself, don't follow fads or trends, don't care about what other people think (just want love), care about the environment, like horror movies and gore (Cannibal Holocaust... one of my faves), have a lot of love to give, etc.

[mayflowers]

Teko, I am alone a lot.  I actually like it b/c it's easier than dealing with someone else.  My dad just had a stroke, my mom is sick with the flu, and my uncle has bone cancer.  I help them out (except for my uncle who lives in CA) and it zaps me of energy.  It's a sad situation.  My closest friends live in CT.  When I say I don't like the south, I mean, it's not "home" for me.  I don't belong here. I don't know where I belong.

You are right about me giving people the benefit of the doubt and opening myself up to people that continue to hurt me.  It's like I don't know any boundaries.  

I actually like all kinds of people and can make varied friends when I need to.  Thanks for your vote of confidence.  Egypt was cool but it's kind of dangerous right now.  They are nice to Americans b/c we are tourists but they would hurt us in a NY minute if they had to.  I got cheated by 2 vendors - 1 cabbie and another guy on the street.  Their children beg and tell you their parents are dead and they need food.  They want tips for everything.  I was on a tour & that kept me safe for most of the time.  The times I was on my own, I had to be very careful and on my guard. If you go, go on a tour, don't go by yourself.  It's too dangerous.

[teko]

Wow! That is my dream! To go to Egypt! Wow! In your desciption of yourself, I got some pretty neat qualities in you. I think you probably open yourself up easily to people whether they deserve it or not.  It sounds like you are a very giving person to the point of sacrificing what you think and what you want for others. I am only guessing here ok?  I bet you allow yourself to get close to people and then when they hurt you, you give them the benefit of the doubt and set yourself up for more pain? Do you enjoy being by yourself or do you have to have a companion? I have found that I am pretty content being by myself and doing things by myself and do not need people around me and would not necessarily need someone to live with me. Ask yourslf that question. Some people just do not want to be alone. My mother always said to me when I was growing up that if you do not like you how can anyone else like you. Learn to love yourself. God created no duds ya know.  You are uniquely you!

[mami1323]

GRose - I think we all do things like that.  I don't think it's because we are unloveable, I think it's more that we always hurt the ones we love.  We push and push because they are the closest one's to us.  Maybe to test out how much they do love us.  

[jenstam]

This reminds me of that scene in The Notebook where they decide to be together again after she almost marries another man. They say something like that it will be hard-it will never be easy, but they will always love each other. Even though they feel like they hate each other at times, their love prevails through their bad qualities and all. Nobody is perfect and should never strive for perfection.

Mayflowers-you can see those good qualities in yourself and those are things that are loveable to others. Make a list. It will keep getting longer. When you have a bad day, refer to your list. You are a thinker. Sometimes that is a great thing, sometimes it is a curse! I know, because I am one too!

[GRose]

I know exactly how you feel.
I feel like I am worthy of my friends love but honestly I don't really know why DB puts up with me or even loves me. I know he isn't perfect but I think I am quite a handful, I am always in a bad mood with him and I put him down a lot. I make it seem like he is the bad guy most of the time but a lot if it is me egging him on or pushing him away.
I guess there is something about me that is lovable but I just haven't figured it out.
You will find someone who loves you flaws and all just as I have :)

[mami1323]

Some great qualities there and I'm sure you have more.  You just need to start to understanding your self worth.  Once you have that, you will be just fine.  When you weren't around on medhelp I missed ya....so see you do play an important role in other's lives.

[mayflowers]

I'm a pretty good friend to my true girlfriends.  I'm very supportive of them and will stand up for them.  I can keep a secret.  I like to give things away if I know it makes people happy.  I"m supportive of rescue missions especially (maybe b/c I'm afraid I'll end up there one day LOL).  

I know I must be funny b/c people laugh at what I say.  I have a secret desire to be a comedian.  I see the world in the very strange view because I am not really a part of a "group".  I'm not one for cliques but I like to make friends from all different walks of life.  I didn't used to have compassion, but have developed it late in life.  I was a bully when I was younger, somehow I could always pick up on peoples weaknesses.  I feel really bad about that.  I was bullied at home and moved around a lot so I know that's not an excuse but it's how I learned to interact (if that makes any sense).  If this happened today, I'd be thrown out of school.

I do have a steady job but I hate it and I live in the South which I also hate.  I love NYC and Fairfield County CT.  I only live in the south now b/c my family migrated here in the early 90's and then I migrated in 2000 b/c I got laid off.  Plus, I had a bit of a drinking problem and needed to sober up.

I am seeing a therapist and am on med - Zoloft, clonopin and ambien for sleep.  My therapist says I am either bi-polar or at the least  obsessive compulsive (I go full swing into things).

I have no hobbies but I like to read.  I can't concentrate so don't read much anymore.  My mind is always wondering.

I do love to travel and just got back from Egypt.  Went by myself but met up with a tour gorup.  Had a great time.  It's dangerous there but I'm basically fearless.  I have very little fear of dying and a high tolerance for pain.

I broke up with my b/f because I just didn't "feel" like I loved him anymore.  I wanted to be alone and do things on my own.  I wanted to figure out a few things.   He's a great guy and we talk but I'm not ready for a committment or the work it takes to have a relationship.  Sometimes I just want to go home and veg and watch tv.  Then I take my ambian and go to la la land.

[jenstam]

I didn't really answer your question. Why am I loveable?
I'm funny and can be very silly at times.
I'm a great cook and love to see people enjoy a nice meal I have made for them and send my man on his way to work with yummy leftovers made by me.
I'm smart and responsible.
I'm outgoing and social.
I'm willing to try just about anything at least once.
I take care of myself.
I take care of others. If I know my partner or friend enjoys something, I try to give the gift of that enjoyment-whatever it may be, as long as it's not overly expensive or too time consuming.

Now, these are just some things I pulled out of my head in a few minutes. There are many things about me that aren't loveable as well! But, when you truly love someone you overlook those qualities. They level each other out and you accept the bad with the good.

[vsentz]

Mayflowers, *setting harsh feelings aside*..... I think you are feeling very vulnerable and finally opening up about you personal issues. Recognizing them is the first step to solve them, so that's a good thing!
Have you thought about talking to a qualified counselor? they could be really good help if you find the right match for you.
Do you have a steady job? or do you have any hobbies? (other than gambling?) maybe you can try to re-direct that bad energy into something more creative that wouldn't  harm you, the ones around you or your finances! maybe start taking classes? is there a subject you feel passionate about?
May I ask the reason why you think you and your b/f broke up? is it to blame you or him? maybe that can tell you some more about why you feel this way....
I really don't think I'm lovable... lol I have  a big mouth!... but I also use it to smile a lot... and to kiss a lot.... and to cheer up on people that need it. That is definitely something that saves me ;)
I'd just say: Mayflowers, get up, put your chin up.... try to rearange your thoughts, and give yourself a second oportunity. Out there is the person that will change your life forever! and you will find him!... but you need to get back on track first....

Good luck to you.

[jenstam]

Mayflowers-do you love yourself? Maybe I missed it in a post but that is an important question. If so, what do you love about yourself? What do you love to give of yourself to others? Are you funny? Do you like to cook? What hobbies do you have that you may have in common with someone else? What kind of movies do you like? What do you love about your parents? Do you see any of those qualities in yourself? What about your friends? There has to be things you have in common or that you do for them that make you feel good. What I've learned about relationships in the past that most people really do nice things for selfish reasons. It feels good to do good things-to make others feel good. We get good feelings from those things. What good things do you do? Most likely, this is what others love about you. Also, you are overanalytical. I think you are too hard on yourself and underestimate your qualities. Be nicer to yourself. Learn what you love about yourself because it's hard for others to love you if you don't love yourself first.

[mayflowers]

Thanks, I know you're right.  Gee, there's always something more, but now I've developed a gambling problems.  I am addicted to the scratch offs!  They give me a high when I win but I hardly feel bad when I lose.  You know, new things just keep developing with me.  Will it ever get better?  Will I ever feel like a regular person?  Will I ever feel normal?  I know none of you can answer these questions but I just got to get this out there.  Please someone pray, I'm hanging by a thread...I'll be ok just having a bad day.

[imanaddict]

I agree with mami, we are ALL lovable in our own way and for different reasons than the person next to us. It's not that you aren't lovable. It could be that you haven't found the right person to love, support and understand you. Sometimes we have to go through many many wrong ones to get to that right person. Don't blame yourself for failed relationships either. It takes TWO!

[mami1323]

I think every body is loveable.  There is always someone who will love you and appreciate you for who you are.  Perhaps you haven't found that person yet or you have but you don't love yourself enough.  I think only when you can love yourself, can anyone truly love you back.  You may not think you deserve their love so you push them away.  So you are only dooming yourself.  You were young when you married and he wasn't a good man while you were married.  I believe your b/f was a good man but since you feel you were not worthy of his love either, that was never going to work out.  You need to start to love who you are and to know that you are worth that in return.  

[mayflowers]

Hey Katy,

Is it a feeling that you just "know" you are a loveable person?

I wrote a journal too that explains my situation a little better.  Maybe you could comment on it for me?

I'm just so confused and trying to figure some things out.
Andrea

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Gosh.....this is kind of a tough one.  Why am I loveable????

Well, let's see.......I think I am a nice person.  I mean I have a big heart.  I don't wear it on my sleeve, but it is def there.  I go to work every day and have very strong work ethic.  I think I have very strong ethics and morals anyway and I don't think that is always the norm these days to tell you the truth.  I think that I am a pretty good mother to my children, wife to my husband.  I mean, I love them with all my heart.  I have a lot of pride, which gets on my husbands nerves sometimes, but at the same time, I think it makes him respect me all the more.

So, I guess from my husband's point of view, he is happy with those qualities????  But like I said, that is from my husband's point of view.  If someone else were to look at me, maybe what kind of wife and mother I am, wouldn't be important to them.

Do you want to talk about why you and your boyfriend broke up??  What makes you think/feel that you aren't loveable??