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Im dealing with jealousy and anxiety regarding relationship
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Im dealing with jealousy and anxiety regarding relationship

Let me start by giving my past experience and hers.
1.) I was cheated on twice, 1 was girlfriend of 7 years. Second was couple month Gf.
2.)She has only been in one serious relationship, 9 months. Every other one was 1 month a piece.
3.)She has had a lot of Sexual experience with one night stands casual sex etc. approx 65 men.
4.)I have poor self image and confidence in myself.
5.)She gets or has gotten texts often from men, she thinks they just want to be friends.

So im with my girlfriend and she is in a male driven occupation. She is in training right now for her work. There are study groups which is male dominated. She will receive texts from men (school related etc). My jealousy and anxiety levels go nuts. I feel as if she will leave me eventually for someone who is better looking/ more to offer (someone with higher education as herself). She tells me all the time that she loves me deeply, she wanted me to move with her to her training facility states away (which i did). My fear is if im working and she is on her weekend and with her study friends that drinking will be involved and will potentially turn into more like "wow hes cute, and flirting heavily".
25 Comments Post a Comment
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134578_tn?1404951303
Why not ask her to marry you?  It will show that you are serious about the relationship, and will probably clarify things wonderfully one way or the other.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think that if she loves you a lot then she will definitely not leave you. I think you should trust her on what she says. Just b/c two girls cheated on you it doesn't mean that she will. What if you go talk to a professional about your trust issues and low self confidence? I think it will help you a lot. And don't try to accuse her of cheating just b/c a guy texted her from school or work, just b/c she works with males like I said just trust her b/c TRUST is very important in a relationship.

                       BEST WISHES :)
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Avatar_f_tn
I disagree with Anniebrooke b/c maybe you're not ready for marriage yet. I think you have to solve your trust issues first. Just my opinion.

  And I don't mean any disrespect whatsoever towards Anniebrooke.
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134578_tn?1404951303
Don't worry, I didn't take it as disrespect.  lol  

I was just reading this as a guy who is willing to move a long distance to be with a woman, which indicates an interest in commitment, but if he wants her to commit he has to commit also.  Of course he shouldn't ask her to marry him if he himself is not ready for marriage.  But if someone is not ready for marriage, the flip side of the equation is that perhaps things are still at the dating level, which is not really a very secure place in terms of commitment.
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Avatar_m_tn
trust is important, i understand that. I just dont know how to cope with my own issues and her past issues. This tied together with her current work/school situation and attention from men.
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Avatar_f_tn
I feel a different take on this than what others have expressed.  Personally, I am not a jealous or insecure person to begin with - but, I think I might feel differently if I knew my Love Interest had been with

"appoximately 65 one night stands".

It would be difficult for me to take that Person seriously as I would feel 65 one night stands sounds promiscuous.  

Just my view.
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Avatar_m_tn
She swears that 65 plus is not a lot of men.

But dont people change isnt that the point of changing. Or would it sound like she might revert back to old habbits gettting old eventually with me.
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Avatar_f_tn
I can only say that I disagree that 65 plus "is not a lot of men".  65 of almost anything is a lot!!  65 pieces of pie, 65 extra pounds, 65 Christmas presents, 65 letters in the mail. 65 pieces of laundry......You get the idea how I'm thinking.
and Yes, I suppose people can change and I suppose You can be okay with this.  I'm just suggesting that I, personally,  would not be okay as in  "the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior"
Whatever You decide, I hope it's in Your best interest.
Good Luck
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Avatar_f_tn
65 One night stands is a lot. has she ever gotten tested for STD's??
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Avatar_m_tn
Yes once
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3149845_tn?1414182164
Are you contributing a substantial amount financially while living together? Also your pt 5 says she thinks they want to be friends and then in your main page you say the texts are school related, which is it? Also i dont believe she is so naive to believe "men just want to be friends".
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Hmmm.....did you move where she was just to watch what she was doing?  I mean, what are you doing while she is doing this training?  Are you doing anything with your life besides being worried about what she is doing and watching her?  If not, I would recommend you start worrying about your life and not so much about her.  

65 men?  She states this isn't alot.  Are you joking?

If she hasn't got any help for these issues she has meaning if she is NOT seeking professional help, i.e. a therapist,  she will just repeat this pattern with you as well and it is only a matter of time when she will do this.  

You CAN'T save her or CHANGE her.....she is BEYOND your help.  

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134578_tn?1404951303
65 men isn't a lot if she's been sexually active for, say, 30 years, but neither of you sound that old.  Even then, the fact that they are all one-night stands (how do you know this?  She said it?  Is there any reason she would make this up?) is more significant than even the number.  No long-term relationships for this girl makes me wonder how serious she would be about a long-term commitment to you, even if you were to ask for one.

I guess my advice is, if you want to be serious, tell her so.  If you want to back out, do so.  But I don't think your problem is your insecurity, your problem is that you're sitting on the fence.  In other words, the situation is insecure.  You might be personally insecure too (which is why you tolerate the situation?) but it's not what someone would call a solid footing in any case.  You should make your decisions knowing this.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Ugh.  I personally don't think any adult should feel the need to divulge all of the sexual partners and experience.  I mean, why ask the question?  And if you didn't, why does she need you to know that?  

We all have a past.  I would say that unless she gives you a reason to distrust her-----  as in you catch her in a lie or find something that indicates something really is going on---  then you give her the benefit of the doubt.  Otherwise, break up with her because it is unfair to treat her like she is guilty when all she has done is told you the truth about her past.

You can't keep someone with you by cutting off their contact with other men.  What you do is become friends and act interested in the men she knows better or considers her friends.  Then they see you as a couple and you see you have nothing to sorry about.  

A therapist for self esteem issues is really helpful.  You seem to feel  inferrior to her and like you are more lucky to be with her than you.  That is a rotten way to feel.  Explore this with a professional to try to overcome it.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I still can't get past "65 one night stands"

If one had a "one night stand" , on just one night of each and every month, it would take 5 1/2 years to have 65 one night stands!!  That's a lot of time and a lot of "one night stands".  I would question whether this was even a true statement - but if it's not true I would still question what's the point of making a statement like that??  That would still be a problem as I see it.  One doesn't usually get congrats for an accomplishment like that so why would one say it if it's not true?

You say Your "jealousy and anxiety levels go nuts" - can You live with those "jealousy and anxiety levels"?? Can She??
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, I think that someone's past can either be a reason to break up in the begining or you have to let it go and learn next time that some things are okay to not say.  That's just my opinion, anyway.

People can be permiscuous and change.  It happens all the time.  If you think she has changed, then move on.  If you aren't sure, then give her the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise but don't torture her with it by using it against her.
good luck
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3149845_tn?1414182164
I think specialmom is right on with the notion that we all have pasts, and believe as her, that it is our own personal business how many sexual experiences we had. Great thinking Special mom!!
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Avatar_m_tn
let me clarify it is not 65 one nights stands. As she states and from what she has told me (because I asked) the number comes from 65 casual partners either from work or school some of which lasted years but was only sexually and was able to sleep with others at the same time.  But never dating or anything exclusive. Only. 2 actual boyfriend in those 13 years.

She doesn't think 65 as high because it's in 13 years so that averages to 5a year.  
And she did seek therapy 3 years ago.  She has only had 3 partners since finishing therapy.  1 was a bf and one one night stand and third was me.  

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Avatar_m_tn
Different thoughts?
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973741_tn?1342346373
I have no different thoughts.  I read that you asked her.  Why?  You now have a problem with it which isn't fair.

Probably what you are going to teach your girlfriend is that she can't trust you with the 'real' her.  That she was asked a question and answered it as best she can. I think it is odd that she came up with the number 65.  Did she have tallies on her headboard?  Just a strange number.  

but whatever.

My advice is exactly the same as before.  good luck
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3149845_tn?1414182164
Since we are on the subject, how many sexual encounters have you had and how many would you have if the girls agreed to it? The second part of this question will take some reflecting.
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Avatar_f_tn
I like Your Question Life360.  I rather doubt that He's had 65 encounters but I think a lot of Fellas would if They could.  I still doubt the #65.  I would think One would have to keep a calendar, journal, something, just to keep up with the count.  But, the # statement is out now and that # is not going to change.

I agree with SpecialMom that He should not have asked, most especially if the # is disturbing to Him (probably any # would have disturbed Him cuz One wonders why He wanted a # anyway(?) as in, He seems troubled that She had a life before Him(?).  Fact is, She's not a virgin, She's not claiming to be, and if His "Jealousy and Anxiety Levels are going nuts" I would think He AND She are not having fun with those lLevels.  Let's not have an unpleasant Future because of an unpleasant Past that had nothing to do with Her relationship with You today.  You need to put this to rest within YourSelf for Your sake AND for Hers.
Good Luck
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3149845_tn?1414182164
Tink, when you say "life before him" is so very important as jealousy is another issue. Nice comment.
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Avatar_f_tn
OMGolly life360 - I so agree with You again when You said "jealousy is another issue", as I noticed in 1st post He comments:
1 "I have poor Self Image"
2 "She gets calls often from Men"
3 "Study groups are Male dominated"
4 "My Jealousy and Anxiety Levels go nuts" (this is a BIG one)
5 "I feel She will eventually leave for SomeOne better looking/more to offer"
6 "While studying with Friends drinking will be involved ("wow, He's cute
                           flirting heavily")
So, I surmise there would be problems about "other men in Her life" even without a sexual background.
I would suggest Therapy to address His Insecurity Issues.  I suspect this isn't about Her and Her past but His Own Insecurity and lack of SelfWorth.- something in His background, not Hers.

    
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3149845_tn?1414182164
Im still waiting for the reply about the financial relationship as red is sencing something that is making him uncomfortable, like may be hes being used.
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