Is this the 7 year itch or 7 year bad "luck", seeking REAL advice, thanks.

[twinkly84]

Hello,
A bit about me first: single, never married, 38, no kids, good career, college educated (3 degrees) and generally a nice, all-around person. I have nephews & 1 neice I love to spoil too. My parents have never had any real issues & they've been married over 40 years now. My siblings are both married w/ children, seemingly happy w/ their marriages too. I am 100% straight, love men & adore them too.

Since 2004, the last time of my last REAL long-term relationship, I've had many, many difficulties in the dating field. I have been on countless websites, gone to clubs, bars, the shore, church events, sporting events, etc. I am a Roman Catholic, go to church when I can & am no zealot though.

I am also very full-figured. At 261 lbs. and 5'4", I was classified as obese. I dress in baggy clothes, wear 2x in clothes. I try though, to keep clean, fresh, vibrant by making sure I am washed, perfumed-up, hair clean, clothes nice (even though they're very baggy). I am working on an exercise program but, that is taking time understandably. Yet, with my personality, I am NOT a sexy woman. I have never been. I just don't see myself as "sexy". I would never buy sexy clothes, underwear, nightgowns. I would never shop in Victoria's Secret or Agent Provacateur, etc. I cringe at the thought & feel almost emotionally debilitated that I am so unsexy, unattractive, have a very, "masculine" looking face.

However, w/ my funny personality, being open & nice to everyone no matter what & being responsible, dependable & reliable, I feel as though, I am an all-around good person. I try to give to charity, be nice to everyone & take care of my responsibilities (not being mean, trashy, user or a gold-digger). I feel in my heart I am a good catch.

If this is the case then, why has it now been 7 years since, I have not had any man ask me out, approach me? I have not had any form of hugs, kisses or physicality in 7 years too. All in all, I have had no love in 7 years.

Hurting inside though, I have been resorting to go to fetish sites where I have had men debase & degrade me in shouting to me online or on the phone how horrible I am. I believe what they say b/c I haven't had anything as I've stated in 7 years. It's like I "feel" when these men treat me this way.

I'd like to ask if I have all of these great things going for me then, why isn't things happening? Should I go back online to eharmony/match/meetup.com?

Should I go out more in the community? And, what about these fetish sites (where I do identify myself as a total masochist/sub/submissive/switch)?

Isn't it PATHETIC not to have ANY form of ANY LOVE or ANY SEX in 7 years now?

[twinkly84]

I'd like to ask though & I do thank you in advance for things but, what can I do now?

1) Should I go back on the sites or find other ones?

2) Should I go on sites for the UK too, since, I want to move there?

3) Or, should I just give it all up?

4) Should I move-out w/ my male roommate who I spend a lot of time with & I feel people think we're together?

What really are my action plans now?

[Kayannaboo]

I definitely agree with you when you say you are a good catch based on the way you write. I agree that you may have a self esteem issue when it comes to your outward appearance. Are you shy? You should try approaching men. If these websites are not working for you, then to hell with them. Do not subject yourself to anyone shouting at you, you do not deserved that.

Specialmom pointed out something very important. Some persons think that sexy means wearing skin tight, revealing clothing. Its not always that! I wear revealing clothes and sometimes I feel worse in them! I am always constantly worrying about the part of my body this showing. Whether leg, back, stomach whatever. Sexy is how you feel about you inside. To me someone can just come enter a room and start smiling and that person seems so sexy to me. Its as if they bright up the room and I'm not focusing and what they have on.

Believe in you. The world will see it and honey never settle for less just because! And when people have negative things to say like those men who yell at you, you have to make a choice, "Am I going to let what these fools are saying about me affect me? Or am I going to continue to be the most beautiful me I think I am?"

Take care.

[specialmom]

Well, good luck dear!  It is a new year and all things are possible!  Let us know how it goes.

[twinkly84]

Thank you too, for your thoughts & insights.

I'm going to make an entire new plan for all of this for the new year.

Happy New Year.

[RockRose]

I agree with the others,  especially SpecialMom's thought that you were abused.  Something has made you embarrassed to be openly female.

I have a favorite Aunt who never married.  In her youth, she was the life of the party (in a good way),  had a good career,  respectable,  respectful,  smart.  She was at least average looking with a trim figure and a flair for fashion.  She had a barbed wire fence around her,  though,  when it came to single men - she wasn't flirty AT ALL.  I also have a friend who is about the same - she's 52 now and has a kind of unattractive mannish face but a decent body,  and she is a true gem of a woman.  Great fun to be around,  always good company.  If she's at a party you want to make sure to spend some time with her,  always has entertaining things to say,  and she's warm and caring.    But she does NOT flirt,  or every wear anything feminine,  ever.  She has never in her life been to a OBGYN because she's so modest she can't stand the idea of being naked with a stranger,  even a woman doctor.

Sorry to be so long.  

I think you are doing this to yourself,  to sabotage your chances of an intimate relationship.  We all know women as heavy as you are who are in loving committed marriages,  you just have to be feminine and vulnerable to a physically and emotionally intimate relationship.

I think you need to sit with this question:  If I flirted with a man and got his attention,  what is the worst thing that could come out of that?  I think the answer to that question will clear your way to progress.

[twinkly84]

Thank you both for your very kind thoughts & answers.

I have some thing to definetly think about in regards to the fetish site...

Happy New Year.

[specialmom]

Hi,  well, you are obviously a smart and articulate woman.  You write very well.  So well, that even with your matter of fact writing style, I can feel your pain.  It hurts to want love in your life and to feel it is unattainable.  

I have a question to ask you and you do NOT have to answer it here.  I wonder about something when you write of a few things.  I wonder if you were by any chance sexually abused as a child.  I say that because there are some things that a person does in reaction to that in their adult life.  One is to 'wear' weight to keep people away.  It would be totally on a subconsious level that this happens.  You also speak of yourself as not being sexy when being sexy can mean many things.  I don't wear sleazy clothing or thong underwear (anymore----  ha!!) but can feel sexual and sexy none the  less.  The way you speak of things that you think of sexy is almost like they gross you out or embarress you.  It is just a different kind of reaction that again makes me wonder what has happened in your past.  This is really important because if you were hurt at a young age, you may have some things to work through.  And working with a therapist very well could help round out ALL of your life including your quest for a romantic relationship.

Now, when I hear of someone in your situation----  I would encourage them to do things that bolster them up, enhance their life, make them feel good about themselves.  I would say that the fetish web sites that you describe aren't really doing that.  You are desperate for contact and are getting it there.  Someone is paying attention to you in a sexual way.  That it is by most standards negative----  again worries me a little as to why you are attracted to it.  I would not enjoy someone yelling at me and verbally abusing me even if they did it in the name of it turning them on.  Again, if you've ever talked to a therapist and are willing to do that, I'd speak with them about why you have the reaction to it that you do.  Why having someone degrade you is alright.  Deep down do you feel that is what you deserve?  Is that what you feel you'll have to settle for?  

I know it is so painful to feel alone when you don't want to be.  I'd not settle though.  When love comes, we need to be open for it but not necessarily sitting and waiting for it.  By that I mean-----  keep yourself open minded and actively looking for opportunities but don't have it be your obsession or so important that you will take whatever you can get.  I want you to believe me that it is better to have a full life on your own than to be with a man that hurts you or isn't a great catch.  

I think that match.com and E.Harmony and such sites do have a relatively decent success rate for matching couples as long as everyone is honest about who they are.  I've got two friends that actually MARRIED men they met in that way.  But it should be an extra to other things.  Join things like a book club, a walking club (our gym has groups that meet and walk together), a wine tasting club, etc.  

I do hope that you find what you are looking for in life.  It can seem hard and then all of a sudden ---  there it is.  But don't lose sight of yourself along the way and do things that hurt you.  Peace

[Londres70]

BTW:  This is no "bad" luck and the "Seven-year itch" has NOTHING to do with your problem as you have never been married.  That phrase is for someone who has been married for a while and wants to stray.  

[Londres70]

Somehow I am sensing some self-worth and/or self-esteem issues from you even though you have the 3 degrees, the good job, etc.  I think I can confirm this with the resorting to fetish websites.  

I don't think this is something "E-harmony" or "Match.com" or "Meetup.com" will help or is the solution to this especially if you are identifying yourself as a total masochist/submissive/switch on fetish websites.  Are you perfectly comfortable participating in this deviant behavior?

May I ask what happened in the last relationship? (i.e. communication issues, respect issues, etc.)

In my opinion, websites aren't the solution.