I can't deal with the guilt of cheating

[lookingforadvice1]

Hello,

I am writing hoping that someone, anyone out there can help me. I have been in a loving relationship with a girl for 4 years and she is honestly the only woman I could ever imagine myself with. However, a few weeks ago I cheated on her with a sex worker after a terribly drunk night out. Late into the morning I went for a massage and even brought a book with me, but after 10-15 minutes it turned into something far more despicable. I had sex with her and therefore reached a new low in my life. The guilt, the pure shame is eating me up and is my constant thought, yet as punishment I feel I should keep receiving it. When I think of my girlfriend's face, her voice, her habits, I am disgusted at myself because she is such a wonderful person.

There are no excuses from me here. I take full responsibility for what I have done and know it was a terrible thing. I have always - perhaps like many men - wondered what it would be like to be with someone else, but it has never been more than that until this moment. I have had 2 other sexual partners in my life, both one night stands with friends of friends, but this is the only relationship I've had sex in otherwise.

I have read so much on this topic of whether to tell or not. I can say right now that I don't want to, because thinking of the damage and hurt to her is almost unbearable. If I can shoulder this forever without her knowing and still feel bad I will. We've practically planned a life together, and despite my actions, we are so perfect for one another. I know the immediate reaction is to perhaps think how this could be considering what I did, but I believe this, I know it. I also know I never, ever want to cheat again. I never want a late night in a seedy bar, or anything where this thing could happen. I just don't ever want to cheat again, but I do want to remember the pain, shame, guilt, feelings of this so it lets me know how lucky I am to have her. But I don't want it to affect our relationship.

I understand many will probably say I should tell, and that's your right, and I will read and accept it - even consider. I can't know if what I want to do here is right or wrong (and I've tried to understand what those terms really mean in this context) but I do know I want to be able to look her in the eye again and tell her I love her, and that she feels it, and I can once again without pain.

I have been for STD tests and all are negative. I will also be going for more in 1 month and again in 2. We are currently working and studying in different countries and I won't see her for another 4 months, so I can be sure I am uninfected. Of course if I have something transmittable, I will tell her everything.

Can anybody help me address my guilt and advise me on how to make this a mistake to learn from. I will read books, see a therapist, do anything to make it happen and start to live normally again. I hope I don't come across as a bad person, because somewhere inside me I know I'm not, but I want to make this right somehow, even if it means the rest of my life making her as happy as possible with this entirely shouldered by me.

Your thoughts are very welcome.

Thanks.

[Nighthawk61]

Sorry i can' t help with specific reading material, although someone still may come along that might. I know a therapist would give you a good reading list, and it really might help for you to go and open yourself up to therapy , if only for the one session and the reading list. Then it will feel like you've actually done some penance , you know? You could also go see a Pastor , for the same reason. You would be acting on how you feel, and proving to yourself that you are 100% genuine.

Be good to you both and prove that you deserve to be her man. Make her tea for the rest of her life. and when you do , tell yourself that it's because you love her, and not to make up for anything. Let the other thing go. You are genuine, there's no value in letting this nag at you.

[TTinKKerBBell]

You sound truly remorseful and I think that is an important step.  I note the remorse for the 'girl' as well.  It certainly could be the situation You surmise here but whatever it may be - we all know prostitution is crime-related somehow or other.  Women do not prostitute themselves because they simply  like sex - it is always driven by/for another reason - the act of prostitution is driven by 'something' else - drugs, trafficking, pimping, etc.,  AND the 'girl' is ALWAYS someone's daughter, sister, often someone's mother - for one reason or another She is desperate.

That being said, certainly there are 'self-help reads'; there is therapy - and the remorse (and feelings of guilt) - goes a long way in assuring You won't do any such thing as this again.  I don't think anyone here means that You need to spend the rest of Your Life 'bending over backwards' to 'make it up' to Your GirlFriend but do treat Her like She's the 'only one' and believe it for YourSelf from now on.

Go Have a Happy Life and Good Luck to You

[lookingforadvice1]

Thank you to all who commented here, I really do appreciate the time and thought you put in. Firstly, I will say that I am not married. I also know that this girl could have been trafficked, and of course is someone else's daughter. I'm well aware of the gravity of what I did and am severely suffering for it, yet it is deserved.

For me, the next step is trying to forgive myself and understand that this should not be the making of my character. It was a mistake and I need to get past it. I also need to address the drinking. This is another factor in the night that brought me closer to making a horrible decision, yet I still made it, nobody or nothing else.

My concern is that if I don't get over it in time that it will become evident to my girlfriend and I don't want her finding out as I want to make her the happiest she can be. I know that might seem false, or driven by strong emotion, but it is true. I have to make up for it in some way.

Does anybody know if there are any good books, or self-help reads that would be a good start. I would like to start there and figure out the next one after.

Thank you again.

[Nighthawk61]

* 3 month Rehab.

[Nighthawk61]

In the early years, my husband cheated on me "once with a sex worker"..He was drunk, so drunk he could not perform. He had a mental breakdown, and was not able to keep this to himself. He needed me to help him through his indiscretion. After all, we were best friends. At the time, I was working in an auto manufacturing assembly plant, and had a on site injury to my back. My husband had to look after me for the first six months as I could barely walk. I was on pain killers that he pilfered. That and relapsing on alcohol, created the perfect storm. He kept it to himself for a few weeks. but holding it in led to a recurrence of Schitzophrenia that led to relapse that led to psychiatric committal and a 9 month rehab stay. There were consequences to his actions. and in those consequences it became apparent that he was "all in" to this not repeating itself. And to this date i believe whole heartedly that it has not.

For you however, without any real act of contrition, how are YOU to get over what's happened.? I think this is why it would be helpful for you to get to a therapist. You need balance in a relationship. You cannot over compensate for the rest of your life, nor should you carry a huge guilt trip in your lire. or feel that you can't look at your girl in the eye.

This happened because you drank . So, give up alcohol. It is responsible for many otherwise good people making huge mistakes. Driving while drunk, vehicular manslaughter etc. Did you drink and drive that night to get to the massage parlour? Did you think about what causes a women to become a "sex trade worker". What if you were 30 years older,? This massage therapist could have been your daughter , She could be a single mother with little choice but to sell herself to feed her kids. There is more at stake than your girl, there's the other women that you were with as well.

I feel that you do love your wife as you say. I don't think this one incident is necessarily a given that you do not. I think because you were relatively inexperienced that this became viable to you in an emotional state of mind (drunk). and that if you quit drinking, or are able to have one drink without ever getting drunk again, that this will never be repeated. I know you think that you will be plagued with guilt for a lifetime. I thought that I' might not get over how i felt when my husband (attempted) to cheat, but the fact is that time, and good times , heals. So please believe me that the guilt will pass, with every passing day that you do the best that you can in your life. Every one is capable of making stupid mistakes. That's what this was. Give yourself a break, and forgive yourself. Go to a therapist if you need, to be able to do that. Yes, have a healthy respect for alcohol, and don't put yourself in the position of making a big mistake. Quit if you must. There's your act and state of contrition.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Chima7
TOTALLY agree.  Cheating is a 'trigger' for me as well !!

I'm willing to concede that poster 'loves' His wife - according to HIS standards
but
I still (and always will) feel that cheating is a 'character' issue (as is promiscuity).  A person (any person) who is of Integrity and Morals will not/does not cheat on a commitment - of any sort.  One also must be promiscuous in order to cheat - that too is a 'character' issue - some of us are not/will not be promiscuous under ANY circumstance.

[Chima7]

Thanks SM and Tink. As you may have guessed, cheating is a trigger for me, as a result of having been a victim of a cheater in more than one relationship. So I'm not able to sympathize with someone who does it to someone else. Having been through it myself, all of the empty excuses about "why it happened" mean nothing at the end of the day because in every case the cheater makes a conscious choice, knowing full well the consequences. Adults know the difference between right and wrong and understand the concept of actions having consequences. In my mind, it's the ultimate betrayal and it's unforgivable.

All that being said, to the OP, you're better off not telling her and just living every day for the rest of your relationship, however long or short it may end up being, making it up to her in every possible way. If you love her as much as you say you do then you'll spend the rest of your life making it up to her and being a better person. If she finds out, it's more likely that she will dump you like yesterdays news because there aren't a lot of people who stay in relationships with cheaters. You're not married so it would be easy for her to walk away and not look back. Hopefully you've learned your lesson and won't do it again.

[specialmom]

Well, that is true tink.  Everyone brings their own perspective and the poster can then decide what is the best information for them (maybe a bit of it all?).  I just didn't want anyone to feel like they had to defend if they loved their partner or not when they are already feeling guilty as that can lead people to shut down.  There is never a right or wrong answer when giving our opinion.  That is very true.  :>)

[TTinKKerBBell]

SpecialMom,
I totally agree with You that there is not a 'one size fits all' answer to any of these situations.  The man does probably 'love His Wife' but (in my opinion) His 'character' 'allowed' Him to cheat in the first place.  I don't think cheating is a thoughtless event.

I OFTEN agree with You as well and I appreciate how 'delicate' You are in Your expression of Your knowledge.  (much more delicate than myself).  You are offering advice as I, on the other hand, am sounding judgemental.  

I also think Everyone is 'right' here.  There is only what we individually believe/think/feel on any given matter -  In that sense, We are ALL 'right' and no one is 'wrong'.  What works for You is 'right', what works for me is 'right'.  The beauty of this forum is everyone presents Their own opinion on a given matter and the person with the issue gets to weigh all 'suggestions' and decide what might work for them.

I do understand He feels regret for what He did and I wish Him luck as well.

[specialmom]

Tink, you know I so often agree with you but I think there is not a one size fits all answer to this and situations can be complex.  Therefore, I can not say that I agree that cheating would indicate that a person doesn't love their partner 'enough'.  I do believe that circumstances can get out of hand and things that we'd never imagine doing ordinarily end up happening.  One reason why I encourage people to NOT put themselves in situations in which something could happen.  We may define mistakes a bit differently.

This man cheated and feels horrible about it.  He needs to look at why but I don't think anyone here knows if he loves his wife or not. And he'd take his actions back if he could.  

anyway, that's just how I feel about it.  Sometimes things aren't always black and white.  :>)  good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with Chima 7 that if One loves His/Her partner 'enough' that Person will NOT cheat No Matter What.

I agree with SpecialMom that People cheat for a "variety of reasons"

Bottom line for me:  Cheating is a 'character' issue.  If it is not in One's 'character' (morals, standards, integrity) to cheat, then One will NOT cheat under ANY circumstance.  There is no such thing as an 'accident' or a 'mistake'  for cheating - if You do something (anything) that You already know is wrong (breaking your vows) - if it's something You would not do in the presence of Your partner - it cannot be called a 'mistake'.  

That being said, the 'guilt trip' is avoidable in the first place.  We all know right from wrong and We all have free will.  Cheating and affairs don't just 'happen'  - it takes thought, intent and deed.  

[specialmom]

I have to say chima that I do think some people love their partner and have cheated.  People cheat for a variety of reasons and 'opportunity' and hormones happens to be a big one.  They do have someone they love at home and then feel tremendous guilt for what they've done.  So, I don't believe that the only people who cheat are those who don't love their partners.  

[Chima7]

Unfortunately, people who truly love their spouse/significant other don't cheat on them. The only conclusion is therefore that you must not love your girlfriend as much as you claim to. Whenever people are in love, they don't even consider the possibility of cheating, much less go through with it. If you don't love her then don't string her along. Let her find someone who truly loves her and won't cheat on her.  Then just try to be a better person in the future. Learn from this experience and don't repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship.

[specialmom]

Hello.  Guilt is difficult to live with.  I'm sorry you are feeling so low.  This was a very unfortunate incident.  I agree with Londres that understanding what allowed you to cross that boundary is really important.  I'm sure you do not want to repeat this.  A therapist can help sort that out.  

Now, as to telling your wife.  I'm of the mindset that I would not.  If you plan on spending the rest of your days being a true and awesome husband--  silently making this up to her, I'd say that is the way to go.  If you tell her with the hopes of being with her after she knows, understand that it will hang over the two of you for eternity.  She will not trust you (and maybe until you seek some inner knowledge for why this happened that is warranted) but begin to doubt every aspect to the life she made. She'll doubt if it is right to be with you, she will doubt herself and it will just be very hard to overcome.  If you take this to your grave and are a good partner from here on out, I think this is best.  

wishing you all the best working through this.  goodluck

[Nighthawk61]

You might also consider that often "sex workers" are in that profession because something in their life has gone terribly wrong. It could be said that you have also taken advantage of a poor sick women when you used the sex worker. Something else to seek contrition for ?

[Nighthawk61]

I agree with Lourdes that you need to speak to a therapist , and fully open up and discuss how this came about , in it's entirety.

If you get through the therapy, and find that you are not ready for marriage, you still needn't tell her of your indiscretion, only that you are not ready for marriage.

This is your first real relationship and it could be that you wish you had more experience before settling down. Maybe your girlfriend has had more experience with men, and you are feeling intimidated? A therapist can help you through this. You'll have the experience to help you learn from this without a huge amount of self deprecating guilt , that would surely affect your relationship negatively. Maybe it would set you on a passive aggressive path in your relationship by your overcompensating. That would affect the natural balance of things in a relationship. So yes, i think you should do the work and get to a therapist, without your girl finding out, that is. (Not leaving numbers, emails texts receipts etc. for the gf to find.)

Let us know how you feel after you do some work.

[Londres70]

You need to make sure you really FULLY understand why you cheated in the first place.  You stated you were drunk and of course most would just blame the alcohol, but in my opinion there is usually something else + the alcohol that drove you to make this terrible decision.  If you don't know this then there is a propensity you will repeat this behavior again.

You aren't having issues with alcohol; are you?

You need to get to the root of this with some serious soul searching.  People don't do this to people they claim they love and if heavy drinking is causing you to lose all discretion  then you know you shouldn't be drinking alcohol.

I would recommend you address this with a therapist BEFORE telling or doing anything in regards to your gf.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also, telling her will not accomplish anything but only making her with terrible mental image of you being with that worker. You dont want her to have this in her head for the rest of her life.
You messed up and are only human but maybe shes not the one for you anyway as going to a sex worker implies that your lacking something with her. This is the real issue here. You can say shes the only one for you, but thats not true as evidenced by you act. And your girl is not the only one you can imagine being with as you were with this other girl.
I think you fear losing her only and are overlooking the real issue of something your girl lacks in your life. Why did you go to the sex worker and dont say you were drunk. Answering this question is the bottom line to whats going on in your life.

[goldenlove]

My opinion is that deceit is as bad as cheating. I would rather know and have the chance to make the decision on whether I wanted to be with someone who has cheated on me. By not telling, you aren't giving her the option to make that decision. To me, someone who cheats has a huge character flaw and isn't anyone I would choose to spend the rest of my life with.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I don't think You should tell Her IF and ONLY if You never, never, EVER do this again.  She doesn't deserve the Pain and HeartAche it would bring Her.  This I know is true.

However, I am fine with You living with the pain, shame and guilt  - You've earned it.

Regards - Tink