Aa
In desperate need for help
I have a boyfriend of almost a year, we used to be perfect as most relationships are.. but now we fight almost everyday. I cry all the time now, and I can see he is not smiling anymore or happy. But when we don't see each other for a few days we are both even sadder. I thought maybe we get annoyed because we see each other every day? And then I realised lots of the time we fight now is because of stupid things. I also noticed and have been told i'm really mean to him. I always do nice things to him and buy him things and ride all the way to see him even though he has a car and could easily come see me. But, I tend to call him names alot and tell him to shut up when I get annoyed at him and have a short temper. Sometimes I feel like telling him I hate him and saying really mean things to him. I like him, and I know he likes me but part of me feels like we shouldn't be together which hurts me alot to think but at the same time I feel bad hurting him like I do and i'm sick of the arguing.. I want to control my temper, become a nicer person Iike I used to be and stop putting him down and telling him what to do and things like that. Please help, its tearing me up. I feel so angry all the time now and like I just want a big break but at the same time he's going through alot and I need and want to be there for him. I'm confused, we're at breaking point and I really like him I just feel like i've hurt him so much it won't be the same anymore even if I change..
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. Well, a couple of things come to mind. First, remember---- there is an important reason that we date. We are supposed to find someone that we get along with, are compatible with and rule out people that there are issues with if we are wanting to be in a long term relationship. I don't know how old you are or if marriage and such is something you look to do in the future, but when you have a lot of issues with someone, often it is a sign that it is not a match made in heaven.
Second, the issue of when you are around each other a lot, you worry things are hard or you get annoyed easier. Truth, as a relationship progresses, you are with someone all the time. I see my husband every day! On weekends, like almost every minute! If he drove me nuts or brought me to act badly all the time, we'd be miserable. When I was younger and newer at relationships, I remember worrying about such things--- are we spending too much time together? Things like that. But it was a sign of where I was at in life because in reality--- when married, you spend about every day with your partner unless they are out of town working as mine often does (or as I did before being a stay at home mom).
Third, whether this relationship lasts or not, it is really valuable to be insightful as you are doing here. That you see you are picking at him, rude to him sometimes, easily annoyed---- these are things you can work on within yourself. I get being annoyed easily. That can happen to me too. I turn it around though and try to see it through my husband's eyes. I try to see him as an equal person no worse than I, me no better than him and that he should feel good about who he is and what his habits are. That helps me to just put that in my head so dumb things don't get under my skin. We are all different and have a right to be who we are. So, then I pick my battles! I only say something about something that drives me over the edge. You will find that you don't notice as many of the little things when you do that.
You must learn self control. Saying things like shut up will certainly drive someone away. If your usual disposition is b!tchy, he's going to grow tired of you and putting up with that. So, get control. Keep that in the back of your mind. If you are always angry, when you have REAL reason to be angry, it is not impactful because it feels like all the time. It blends into the constant barrage of being talked to in an angry tone. You lose your ability to make something stand out as important. Worth it to dial back.
Anyway, what it really sounds like to me is that you'd like to break up. Don't let guilt stop you if you feel that is right. Don't make it a 'break' to think. You already know what a relationship with him is like and it leads you to not be your best self. But remember, work on the things you've noticed about yourself in this relationship as they very easily could repeat in your next. But to me, you write this as if you are done. Break ups are never easy and there is never a really great time. You are being more fair to set him free than staying with him just because he is going through a bad time. good luck
Second, the issue of when you are around each other a lot, you worry things are hard or you get annoyed easier. Truth, as a relationship progresses, you are with someone all the time. I see my husband every day! On weekends, like almost every minute! If he drove me nuts or brought me to act badly all the time, we'd be miserable. When I was younger and newer at relationships, I remember worrying about such things--- are we spending too much time together? Things like that. But it was a sign of where I was at in life because in reality--- when married, you spend about every day with your partner unless they are out of town working as mine often does (or as I did before being a stay at home mom).
Third, whether this relationship lasts or not, it is really valuable to be insightful as you are doing here. That you see you are picking at him, rude to him sometimes, easily annoyed---- these are things you can work on within yourself. I get being annoyed easily. That can happen to me too. I turn it around though and try to see it through my husband's eyes. I try to see him as an equal person no worse than I, me no better than him and that he should feel good about who he is and what his habits are. That helps me to just put that in my head so dumb things don't get under my skin. We are all different and have a right to be who we are. So, then I pick my battles! I only say something about something that drives me over the edge. You will find that you don't notice as many of the little things when you do that.
You must learn self control. Saying things like shut up will certainly drive someone away. If your usual disposition is b!tchy, he's going to grow tired of you and putting up with that. So, get control. Keep that in the back of your mind. If you are always angry, when you have REAL reason to be angry, it is not impactful because it feels like all the time. It blends into the constant barrage of being talked to in an angry tone. You lose your ability to make something stand out as important. Worth it to dial back.
Anyway, what it really sounds like to me is that you'd like to break up. Don't let guilt stop you if you feel that is right. Don't make it a 'break' to think. You already know what a relationship with him is like and it leads you to not be your best self. But remember, work on the things you've noticed about yourself in this relationship as they very easily could repeat in your next. But to me, you write this as if you are done. Break ups are never easy and there is never a really great time. You are being more fair to set him free than staying with him just because he is going through a bad time. good luck
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"I feel so angry all the time now and like I just want a big break but at the same time he's going through alot and I need and want to be there for him."........You need to take care of YOU first before him. I would recommend taking a break from this relationship. You aren't in a good place in this relationship and I wouldn't advise you putting his needs before yours.
Take a break, sort yourself out and go from there.