In love w/a married man

[wannabefree330]

I have been involved with a married man for a little over a year.  At the time we met, he told me he was very unhappily married and was only with his wife for the sake of his children.  He is afraid that if he leaves his wife will take the kids and he'll never see them again.  In March, he told me he was going to give his marriage another shot, and commit to trying to make it work.  That meant no longer seeing me.  If at the end of the 6mo he still felt the same, he would file for divorce.  Of course i was devastated at his decision, but love him enough where I want him to be happy.  Before march we would see eachother at least 3 times a week.  The sex is phenomenal and unlike anything i've ever experienced.  We have complete open communication and i think that is why it is so amazing.  Since March, we have seen and slept with eachother several times.  He says he still loves me but is still going to complete the 6mo he committed to.  We text and talk to eachother every day and he tells me daily how he misses me.  I miss him and being with him.  I feel like he is my soul mate.  He has encouraged me to date other people, but gets very jealous when I even mention talking to other men.  He does not get angry, but communicates and tries even more when he knows i'm tlk'g to other guys.  I still feel committed to him, and hope that someday we can be together.
Am I crazy?  Will this ever materialize?  I told him I would wait till hell freezes over to be with him.  Anyone with similar circumstances?

[angeleyes11601]

Wow thats sound like me...except i got preg 2 days after they got married and didnt kno untill 2 months after that! ...WoW...and of course he keeps trying to come back every now and agin even thro we are both w some one...i eventually let him go just let him wok w his marriage and believe me there is some one BETTER than him out there for u

[mayflowers]

Why would you want to be with a man who cheats?  If he cheated on his wife, he will cheat on you.  This is a character flaw.

[AHP84]

Teko hit the nail on the head. If he wanted a divorce, he would've filed a long time ago. It's practically impossible for one divorcing parent to "lose their kids" and "never see them again." A divorce goes through court, and if kids are involved, then custody, visitation, and child support are established, and generally fairly between each parent.
The way I see it, he's avoiding a divorce because that comes with lawyer's fees, child support for more than one child, and possible alimony. It has nothing to do with him fearing he'll never see his kids again. It's the money he'll have to spend.
So why divorce, especially when he's got you on the side to give him the physical and emotional attention he wants whenever he wants it?
In my humble opinion: what a selfish, conniving, unfaithful jerk.
Like mayflowers said, he has a serious character flaw. Why would you find that acceptable in a man?

[MrsOckert]

I'm not even sure it's the money he doesn't want to spend.  I'm willing to bet his wife doesn't know there is a thing wrong in their marriage.  He's giving you enough words to string you along for years if he wants to.

And mayflowers is right...if he's cheating on her...if he was to marry you he would start cheating on you.  It happens over and over again.

[MrsOckert]

Besides he doesn't seem to be a man of character or honorable enough to keep his word.  He said he wanted to give his marriage 6 months and if at the end he still felt the same he would file....what's different now?  He's still seeing you.  Nothing changed.

[wannabefree330]

Thanks for all of your input.  Love is blind and I'm just willing to listen to what i want to hear right now.  I'm in denial thinking he'd ever leave her.

[nyychic]

I will say it again women need to stick together if you don't want your man cheatin' on you than don't mess with a man that is spoken for.  HELLO get a grip.  Not worth your time

[momagain59]

Am I crazy?  Will this ever materialize?  I told him I would wait till hell freezes over to be with him.  Anyone with similar circumstances?

Yes, you are crazy. This guy says he is going to stick with the 6 month plan to work on his marriage. This is BS, he doesn't sound like he is working too hard if he is having sex with other women. He has probaly just started screwing around with someone else also. This will give him time to decide who he wants to have sex with. If you told him that you are willing to wait till hell freezes over, why should he worry about leaving his wife? When are women going to wake up and realize that married men use them as free prostitutes? I bet he doesn't have to spend much taking you out and sex probaly has to be quick and easy because there isn't much time.

How long has he been married?

Please don't tell me that you are his first fling.

[jo929]

I do not know your age, but you must be very young, or very insecure, to try and take your happiness at the exspense of someone else, and the children involved, What teko said is right on the nose, what goes around comes around, it would take a very selfish woman to go behind an others back ,and try and steal her husband, and hurt the children  in doing so he is using  you, also how can you look at yourself in the mirror, people like you are not in demand . I also think a man that would do this is not worth having so maybe you both are 2 of a kind  I really do not care how old you are,, i feel you are old enough to know better   jo      

[BearHitch]

1.  Like previously stated, if he cheated on his wife with you, he is going to cheat on you.  When will women learn this???

2.  I agree with Jo- find a single man!  There are plenty out there, you don't need to be screwing around with someone who is married and kids.  It says equal amounts of your character and his - or lack thereof.  

3.  Yes you are crazy thinking he is going to leave.  He says he wants a 6 month break but he is still texting you while "trying to work it out with his wife."  

4.  He is not your soul mate- he is someone else's.  The woman he is married to.  

[mami1323]

There isn't much more to say then what these women have said.  I'm sure there isn't one man who was cheating on his wife that wouldn't tell his mistress that he was so happy with his wife.  They all say they are unhappy to keep women like you stringing along for as long as possible.  With this unrealistic hope that they will leave their wife and kids.  Oh and it's always that they don't want to leave because they fear the wife will take the kids....ha!  How would you feel if you were married and some woman knew about you but still thought it was ok to sleep with your husband?  What break?  He hasn't taken a break from you to work on his marriage.  He's still seeing you and you keep giving in.  Even if he did leave, which he won't, but let's say he did, is that how you want to start off your relationship?  Who's to say he won't cheat on you if he so easily did it with the woman he made vows with and shares children with.  Get some strength and stop messing around with someone else's family.  

[wannabefree330]

I know and understand what you are saying.  It all sounds so cruel and I just needed some sound advice.  Remember when I met him he was separated and not with his wife.  It was never my intention to 'steal him away'  I have avoided his calls and last time we spoke i told him it was not fair for him to do that to his wife and I apologized for being involved.  I had fallen in love with him before he ever reconciled with her and i'm sorry if it is so difficult to fall out of love with him.  But the distance is good and in time i guess it will happen.  Can I just suggest that in the future all of those who responded not be so rude about it?  We are already feeling guilty and just  want the advice of someone that is in their right mind on how to deal with this and cut the ties.  If we knew how to do that, we wouldn't be on here???  I'm sorry i even posted a question here asking for help and will not suggest this site to ANYONE.

[mami1323]

Well at least you are taking the next step to right a wrong situation.  I do believe a lot of men can be very manipulative and create a scenario in a woman's head that isn't truly what is happening.  I do know how hard it is to stop having feelings for someone...I've been there.  I fell in love with one of my friend's boyfriends in highschool and cheated with him.  So no I'm not an angel but I wound up stealing him away and guess what, he wound up doing to me what he did to her.  The only differences between your situation and mine is they weren't married and I was 16.  I would never, ever do anything like that again.  I respect my friends and I respect other people's relationships.  I learned and grew from that.  Hopefully you can do the same.  Most of these women on this forum are married with kids so it hits a paticular nerve when a woman comes on saying she's having an affair with a married woman.  We won't coddle you and say oh poor baby because you got yourself into this situation.  Now at least you are smart enough to start walking away.  Sorry if you feel unsupported but maybe us being tough on you made you see the light.  Good luck with your situation.

[nyychic]

First, You said that he was unhappilly married NOT separated.  You said he was afraid to leave that he may never see his kids again.  Fathers have rights.  He's scum and you are allowing him to con you I'm happy that you ended it but don't sit here and not take responsibility for your part in this.  My childhood was ruined by an affair.  Woman should stand together and say "MARRIED MEN ARE OFF LIMITS" period.  I'm happy that you've ended it but keep it ended.  You can find you are happy with a man who isn't committed to another women.  Good luck.

[jo929]

I am glad that you have quit seeing him, that is the way to go, and you are doing the right thing to stay away from him, also i know that some answers may be harsh especially mine but they were meant to be awake up call, because ,you were living in a dream world, and you did not mention he was separated, and if everyone had given nice honey coated advice, it would not have soaked in so a harsh honest answer was called for, at least you did listen  i do wish you lots of luck  jo

[wannabefree330]

Your comments did make me see what I was blinded to before.  I appreciate what you have to say.  And I do realize that I have to take responsibility for my part in this.  I allowed it to continue knowing that there was a family on the other side at risk.  Those children need their parents together.  And, I need to stay away and allow the two of them to work out their problems and not have me in the picture.  Previously I was trying to 'just remain friends' and still talk, but it just lead to the bedroom.  I have stopped all contact with him.  It has been painful and hard, but I need to quit being selfish-like the early comments said- and get away from an all around bad situation.  All I can do, is move forward, take responsibility for what i've done, and learn from this.  Thanks again!

[momagain59]

I am proud of your strength. Let him make a fool of someone else. Hang in there and the man that you deserve will come along.

[Kimidawn]

I feel badly that you have gotten so many negative and mean comments but I think this situation just frustrates women because we don't understand "the other woman" and why she would do this to other people and herself.

I pray that you continue to have the strength to stay away from him.  In the future make sure the men you see are really single not just on a break from their wives.  Make sure they are truly divorced or have never been married in the first place.

I worry about you and the pain you are bringing into your life and I pray that you can make better choices in the future!

[Agiesmom]

I agree with nyychic and what everyone else said, too.  I don't think anyone meant to be hurtful, just trying to take you by the shoulders and give it to you straight.

Please, please, please don't have any contact with him again.  No matter how much he begs via text messages (I'd change my phone number) or says it's just for one final good-bye.  Don't tell him you're seeing someone else since you know that will make him pursue you.

You are doing well.  It's clear you are hurting, but you would be hurting far worse down the road if you were to continue the affair.

All the best to you.

[athomasxx]

You need to get out of this relationship now.

[mami1323]

Good for you.  I'm glad that you got what you needed out of what people were saying.  It wasn't meant to hurt you but to make you see the other side to this affair and to understand that no one is going to come out of this without being hurt.  Someone will be hurt, you, the wife, the kids.  This man doesn't deserve either of you.  I'm sure you aren't a bad person and you just got swept up into this whirlwind of a relationship.  At least you had the sense to realize what he was all about.  The one I truly feel for is his wife.  She doesn't even know what kind of scumbag she has for a husband.  At least you knew what you were getting.  Good luck and stay strong.

[littlemoe]

I just ended a relationship with my married man yesterday.  We were together for four years.  He told me he'd leave when his kids were older (which would be another three years from now).  But then he'd get guilty and break things off with me.  These "break-ups" happened at least three times a year.  I'd be devestated, miss work, cry my eyes out, and be a huge baby.  Then, he'd come back and tell me the same story about being with me in the future.  The thing is this, all these responses are missing a huge point.  It's not about him; it's about you!!! I don't think for one minute my guy didn't love me...I know he did.  But, I also know he loves his wife, and I know he loves his kids a hell of a lot more than either of us.  I don't hate him or think he was consciously using me.  I think he was and is in an unhappy marriage, but he wants to remain with his family...somewhat out of obligation, and somewhat out of fear.  The point is, again, his motivations and wants and desires are irrelevant.

I finally realized it doesn't matter if he loves me or not.  It's about me.  I have COMPLETE CONTROL over my own life.  I have to love myself more and realize I can be with someone who can be wholly committed to my happiness.  Don't get caught up in figuring out what he's going to do, why he's going to do it or not, if he's going to leave, etc.  You will find out eventually that you just spent so much time out of YOUR life wondering about whether someone else will affect it.  He may be mulling over these things as much as you, but when he's mulling over whether to leave...while he might be distraught over the decision....he still has the luxury of having the control over what he wants.  You're letting him, then, have control over what you get.  Don't let this happen.

The only one who can affect your life is you.  Walk away gracefully.  You can still chat and miss one another.  Go out and live your life and find someone new.  Stay positive about each other, and maybe down the road, you'll both be single at the same time and still want to be with one another.  In the meantime, get back in control.  I promise you won't regret it.  I'm still very sad about having to leave my relationship and will be for some time because I love him very much and can't imagine loving anyone else as much, but I'm willing to bet on me.  If you can't bet on yourself being able to get through and find a new love, no one else will.  If I have to be single forever, at least I will be in control over my own destiny and will never be able to complain that my lot was because he didn't do what he said he would.  Good luck! You can do it!

[wolfwoman1st]

Everyone said everything really well - I just have one small addition.  I was the other woman and fooled myself by thinking that I wasn't cheating, after all I was single.  That was a lie I told myself and now that my husband has formed a "romantic attachment" to someone else I see clearly how wrong I was.

The karma bus hit me full force and I am endlessly sorry for the pain and suffering I caused his former wife.  She did not deserve that and I would apologize to her if she wasn't deceased.  I did cheat her by stealing what was hers - his love, energy, time and after nearly two years as "friends", sexual attention as well.

Ladies, you are 100% right - women need to stick together and always, always maintain:  MARRIED MEN ARE OFF-LIMITS.  PERIOD.

Congratulations, wannabefree330 - stay strong and keep the faith.  As momagain59 said, the man you deserve WILL come along!

[KATE535]

His wife is more important to him than you are/were or else he'd be with you now and would have left her.

So, ditching him is the best decision you could've made, he doesn't want to give himself to you and leave her, so don't give yourself to him. Have the willingness to see he has treated you as his bit on the side, before you consider him again. Because he hasn't created this affair to be with you, and start a future with you, has he?

I think this whole affair should've only happened if his marriage was over, eg, preparring for divorce/ going through divorce etc, knowing maybe you would have had a future together then, knowing his realtionship with his wife had come to an end.

Also, before getting involved with him you should've considered whether him having children was going to be a problem for you and / or him, and really worth you getting involved with this guy for - ie. someone who has a full-blown family - wife and kids, so is unlikey to be compatable with as a partner for life.......

And so asked yourself if this, realistically, on the basis of everything, would ever materialise.

If you knew he was unsure about leaving his wife, why allow yourself to get attatched to a man in that situation, and so declare you will always be waiting for a man who is unavailable. If he was going through a divorce then that would illustrate the marriage had collapsed and so it wouldn't have been better for you to see a future.

It seems his wife is his prority, always has been, that is clear. He was not that unhappy, or he wouldn't have given it another shot with her. So, it's difficult to trust him when he talks about being unhappy in his marriage as his justification for having an affair.

You'll do better without him. He's been stringing you along, and just like many women in love, you are blind to it. You didn't see what he's been doing.

!!!****It's nice to hear you've realised you can do better and have a man that adores you and you alone****!!!

Well done to you and Best wishes !!
Kate