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Is Sex a Huge Issue?
I'm sure this question has been asked a million and one times but is sex such a huge issue in a relationship? I know it's definitely important and I know as a couple to feel the intimacy and closeness it's extremely important but when does it become such an issue where it feels more like an obligation than pleasure? The reason I ask this is because it's become a huge area of contemptment in my relationship. I have been feeling pressured to have sex. It isn't necessarily my fiance forcing himself on me but the frequency in times he wants to have sex, outnumbers my desire to want to have sex. I am exhausted, I get up to go to work 3 days a week and when I come home I cook dinner and take care of our 2 1/2 year old. On days I don't work, I'm much more inclined to want to be intimate and even on the nights where I know I don't have to go into work. So I would say, we have sex on an average of 3-4 times a week. Which I think is quite good given that we have such a young child. Well apparently he's dissatisfied with not only the frequency but also the fact that I am not in the mood to get decked out. Granted I have tried on many occassions to get sexified and dress up for him, but sometimes I'm really not feeling it. So he is frustrated because I don't go "all out" and he feels like it's become routine. We have sex on days I'm not working and only at night...blah blah blah. Well it's nearly impossible to have some crazy sex life when we live with my mother and she never sleeps and we share our room with our toddler who has to be the lightest sleeper on the planet. Of course it's not going to be some hot, torrent sex fest in our room. I'm not a morning person, and I would much rather sleep, but the times we've attempted to have sex in the morning, our son hears us and wakes up and so my fiance is left with a not so pleasant feeling. He gets annoyed and frustrated and moody. Who the heck would want to keep doing it in the morning if that is the normal outcome? So he thinks I have a problem because I'm always tired, which I am and I have agreed to go to a doctor to check out my thyroid because we believe it's underactive and that's why I'm always exhausted. I don't want to fight about this anymore. He says we used to have sex all the time and go to work tired and frankly, he's always in the mood. But life has changed, we have a child and can't exactly hump like rabbits anymore. I have severe insecurity when it comes to our sex life because he has cheated and I know it had a lot to do with us not having sex frequently. But I don't want it to become an issue anymore, I don't want to feel like I have to have sex no matter what. We've discussed this in therapy and the therapist is on my side but I can tell my fiance is unhappy. Our fights become terrible because of it, last night it was so ugly that I told him maybe I wasn't the right woman for him. Maybe he needs to find another ***** that he can **** so that he is satisfied because I don't seem to be enough. Than that opens the whole can of worms about how I can't let go of the past and so on and so forth. I've just reached my limit. We have only spoken this morning with back and forth text messages. Neither one is backing down and the last time I heard from him he calls me and yells at me and hangs up. So I didn't even get a word in edge wise. I can't believe after all this time our lack of communication is still there. I'm getting close to the end of my rope with this relationship. If it's not one thing it's another. Any suggestions?
Best Answer
Thanks hon, as always you put it into perspective for me. I tried explaining it to him last night that I don't exactly get turned on watching him stare at the tv for hours. There is no interaction between us that lead me to want any type of intimacy. I tried a bunch of times last night to tell him, hey, let's not watch tv, hey, you're so focused on this show, hey pay attention to me. But each and every time, there was nothing. He was not paying attention to me because he was upset that I didn't put on this hot little number he wanted me to wear. Well gee, I worked all day yesterday, come home, cooked for my son, I wasn't feeling all too well yesterday at all, my eyes were burning because I had gone to sleep late the night before, and so the last thing I felt like doing was putting on this cute little dress, doing my hair and make-up and putting on heels, all so he can get excited. What the heck does he have to do? Nothing! I had no energy and just thinking about the process was a complete turnoff for me. When I want to do it, I will and he says he always has to ask and that's not true. But it's not as fun for me. I'm not saying I will never do it but I have to be in the right state of mind. Perhaps after having a lovely talk and flirting a bit and drinking some wine, I would be more inclined. He doesn't get it at all. Honestly, I get bored with our sex life. It's not exactly new and improved. I've offered ways to spice it up and if we went out on more dates, maybe more sex but what can I do? It's turned into an obligation and to do it every night, well, it's boring. Not sex but I like going every couple days without it so that when we do it, it's fun and exciting because we haven't done it in a couple days. He would wake up from a coma just to have sex. Well my sex drive isn't as intense as that and yeah when we first met, I wanted it like 3 times a night, but it's because we had first met. Who doesn't do it like that when they first meet someone. 7 years later, it's not going to be that way.
I guess a lot of people get the same question suggested to them. I'm frankly surprised that you of all people would ask this question. But gee, I'll do my best. To quote Dr. Phil, "If you're the one not having the sex, it's 90% of the relationship...if you're the one having the sex, it's only 10 % in importance to the relationship." :)
Why are you suprised I asked the question?
I don't need sex every night, I think 3-4 times was excellent. I guess not :(
I don't need sex every night, I think 3-4 times was excellent. I guess not :(
Wow, I must say that 3-4 times a week...heck, I would think that would be awesome! My hubby and I hardly get past once a week because we're so tired or we just don't get the opportunity due to circumstances, so if I could get 3-4 times a week, holy cr@p I'd be one super happy woman, lol.
I do know where you're coming from, however. In my last relationship with my ex, he was much like you describe Richie. I felt pressured a lot of times, like it became a chore. I won't go into all the details, because it was just a bad situation altogether that I don't like talking about it much, but that was the jist of it, anyway. So I more than understand where you're coming from and how you feel about it. It's frustrating, especially when you make an effort to show intimacy without sex, such as affectionate cuddling and such, and all he comes to expect from that is sex not even five minutes later.
I don't have any suggestions for you, but I just wanted to let you know that I think Richie's expectations may be a little too much considering your everyday demands on life and circumstances. I don't think he's being realistic, and that I'm sure if he were with any other woman in the same scenario you two are (living with your mother, him having two other kids to coordinate visitations, a toddler between you two, both working, financial stressors, everyday living maintenance, and whatever else)--I highly doubt she would willingly put out 3-4 times a week! I mean to say, you've got a crap-ton of stuff to deal with day in and day out, it's exhausting, and...sorry, but you mean to tell me that he can't get turned on unless you doll up and put on a show?! That wouldn't fly too well with me, especially considering you mentioned that you tried to get his attention and instead he wanted to watch TV.
I really don't want to make it look like I'm taking sides here, but I just can't help but feel that he's being unfair and ridiculous in his expectations. Not saying he's undeserving or unjustified in wanting to be intimate with you, but simply saying he's not seeing the big picture and he's not being fair or handling it fairly in his reactions towards you.
I wish I could offer suggestions, but I just don't know what to say other than that.
Oh--but I do have to say I nearly spit my drink out laughing when I read your line, "But life has changed, we have a child and can't exactly hump like rabbits anymore."
I don't know why, but that just hit my funny bone, lol. :-)
I do know where you're coming from, however. In my last relationship with my ex, he was much like you describe Richie. I felt pressured a lot of times, like it became a chore. I won't go into all the details, because it was just a bad situation altogether that I don't like talking about it much, but that was the jist of it, anyway. So I more than understand where you're coming from and how you feel about it. It's frustrating, especially when you make an effort to show intimacy without sex, such as affectionate cuddling and such, and all he comes to expect from that is sex not even five minutes later.
I don't have any suggestions for you, but I just wanted to let you know that I think Richie's expectations may be a little too much considering your everyday demands on life and circumstances. I don't think he's being realistic, and that I'm sure if he were with any other woman in the same scenario you two are (living with your mother, him having two other kids to coordinate visitations, a toddler between you two, both working, financial stressors, everyday living maintenance, and whatever else)--I highly doubt she would willingly put out 3-4 times a week! I mean to say, you've got a crap-ton of stuff to deal with day in and day out, it's exhausting, and...sorry, but you mean to tell me that he can't get turned on unless you doll up and put on a show?! That wouldn't fly too well with me, especially considering you mentioned that you tried to get his attention and instead he wanted to watch TV.
I really don't want to make it look like I'm taking sides here, but I just can't help but feel that he's being unfair and ridiculous in his expectations. Not saying he's undeserving or unjustified in wanting to be intimate with you, but simply saying he's not seeing the big picture and he's not being fair or handling it fairly in his reactions towards you.
I wish I could offer suggestions, but I just don't know what to say other than that.
Oh--but I do have to say I nearly spit my drink out laughing when I read your line, "But life has changed, we have a child and can't exactly hump like rabbits anymore."
I don't know why, but that just hit my funny bone, lol. :-)
I think you are a very normal lady, and don't the polls say that most couples really have sex only once or twice a week?
one good thing, is that most mens sexual desire cuts down as they get around 40...
it is tough when you have different sex drives.
You are not alone, believe me!!!
one good thing, is that most mens sexual desire cuts down as they get around 40...
it is tough when you have different sex drives.
You are not alone, believe me!!!
3-4 times a week! Now no wonder your always tired! I think Dr. Phil is right, but men do not seem to understand that sex starts in the morning. No not the act, the foreplay! Like helping with the baby or making your breakfast and when he comes home (No television), unless its a romantic story that stirs the hormones! Does your man understand that? Gee! 3-4 times a week, my hubby would be in hoggie heaven! It has been years! Now I just simply dont care how much he whines if Im not in the mood, im not in the mood! Every once in a while I get all liguored up and give in but only once in a while. It is much harder when you dont have any hormones! Dont tell my hubby your giving that often or he will be at your door adding even further to the pressure for sex you already feel! rofl! (wink)
Lol...you ladies crack me up. I think he is being unrealistic. His reasonings are because he finds me sexy. Well great, that's wonderful but I don't all the time feel sexy. I have my days, when I'm well rested (few of those) but when I get dressed up or my hair is working right and my make-up is nice. But come on. And yes, I agree 3-4 times a week is fine by me. Sex is pleasurable but I tend to think he gets more out of it than I do. I'm making it sound really bad here...lol. But what I mean is, I'm good after like 15 minutes, he drags it on for like an hour. I'm sure there are some women who are like "wow" lucky girl, but not when I'm like worried that our son will wake up, worried that it's so late I'm going to be dragging the next day, and so on. It's fun when I'm really in the mood but when I'm not, I'm like come on. And yes, teko agreed, it starts off with the flirting all throughout the day and the same foreplay you mention. I get so turned on watching him cook us all breakfast, but I'm not really turned on by him watching a stupid boring action flick that he's seen a hundred times before. Audrey it is annoying to have to get dolled up. He likes it and I'm all for pleasing my man but it's not like we have privacy where I can throw on some lingerie and parade around the house. He doesn't have to have the dolled up stuff but he likes it once in a while. I'm the one who really needs to do the hair and make-up. He's like whatever, just throw on the sexy stuff. But I feel unattractive with sexy lingerie and bags down to my knees and my hair all knotted. That's more my insecurity. I just feel like I never win here. He is not ever going to be satisfied enough and then I get worried that he will think of cheating. I shouldn't feel that way and he wants me not to feel that way, but I can't help it.
Good grief, he wants to drag it on for an hour?
Lol, gotta say I'm with you on this one...15 minutes or so is fine by me, then just let me sleep! Lol. I think I might be capable of pulling an all-nighter maybe once a year, but for our general once-a-week schedule, I feel dang lucky if we both even have the energy to do it!
Gosh, I feel like such an old person, lol. Just that having the two kids, both of us working full time jobs, Brandon going to school full time on top of the full time job, and just everyday living, we're dragging ourselves out of bed most mornings still mostly asleep and going to bed and hardly saying goodnight before we're out cold, lol.
I have no idea how where you're finding the energy and time for 3-4 times a week, but I gotta tell ya...I'm a little jealous! Hehe!
Lol, gotta say I'm with you on this one...15 minutes or so is fine by me, then just let me sleep! Lol. I think I might be capable of pulling an all-nighter maybe once a year, but for our general once-a-week schedule, I feel dang lucky if we both even have the energy to do it!
Gosh, I feel like such an old person, lol. Just that having the two kids, both of us working full time jobs, Brandon going to school full time on top of the full time job, and just everyday living, we're dragging ourselves out of bed most mornings still mostly asleep and going to bed and hardly saying goodnight before we're out cold, lol.
I have no idea how where you're finding the energy and time for 3-4 times a week, but I gotta tell ya...I'm a little jealous! Hehe!
Please don't be jealous, cause I'm willing to give him away at this point...lol. I'm friggin exhausted and he just can't comprehend why I'm always tired. Well let's see, Jay sleeps on my side so who's the first one he wakes up in the middle of the night...ME! Who does wake up because they hear Jay....ME! Richie doesn't hear a thing and I get up or am woken up at least once a night. Then working at my office is really a mood killer. My days off I go to the gym and then spend time with our son, whether it's to the park or doing something with him. So it's not like I'm laying down comfortably watching tv all day. Then I could understand him being irritated. But it's become too much, that I'm just like ready to pack a bag and leave for a week...lol.
How is it that men can be so deaf when they sleep? Brandon almost never wakes up, even if Greydon is wailing (and he still sleeps in the Arms Reach bassinet, so it's not like he's in another room crying, lol).
Hopefully something will make Richie wake up (no pun intended) to realize that he's expecting a little too much from you, and that he has got it WAAAAY better with you than he would with anyone else, not to mention he's a dang lucky dude if he's getting it 3-4 times a week with the family size you guys have to manage! I'll bet if he asked any of his guy friends who are married with kids and have full time jobs with full time (or even part time) working spouses, they'd probably be asking him what the heck he does to get it that much, because the average couple with kids and jobs only have sex 1-2 times a week or less.
Hopefully something will make Richie wake up (no pun intended) to realize that he's expecting a little too much from you, and that he has got it WAAAAY better with you than he would with anyone else, not to mention he's a dang lucky dude if he's getting it 3-4 times a week with the family size you guys have to manage! I'll bet if he asked any of his guy friends who are married with kids and have full time jobs with full time (or even part time) working spouses, they'd probably be asking him what the heck he does to get it that much, because the average couple with kids and jobs only have sex 1-2 times a week or less.
Thank you, I wish he would ask around. I swear he would want it every day more than once a day. Granted I do feel special that he's so attracted to me and wants me still even 7 years later and a child, but man I feel like a piece of meat and not a partner.
Well if it helps, I used to put together the dinner menu for the next day during it all and have faked it many a time just so it would be done and overwith! When it got to where it was like two animals rutting instead of making love, I said forget it, go pay for it, they earn what they do for sure!
I feel your pain! Michael has the same raging testosterone and with 4 kids, a full time job and him working nights which has me doing all the cooking, bathing the kids, homework, cleaning, yard work, etc. I am simply hardly ever in the mood as well. Our sex life is about twice a week and he, of course, makes comments about how we used to do it everyday, 2 or 3 times a day. I have to remind him that things have changed but I am still just as sexually attracted to him now as I have ever been. I'm just TIRED! LOL!
As for what you should do...I'm not really sure. It sounds as if you have tried everything already. Or at least that I would advise to try. He needs to be a little bit more understanding that you are exhausted and it could be due to a medical problem and his sympathy would be appreciated rather than being a demanding sex freak..lol!
As for the lingerie, does he buy them or do you? I bet if you find something flattering that you absolutely LOVE and feel good in, that would help with the insecurity. Buy leather..it holds up the "bags"...LOL!!! And while you're at it, get a whip too so you can knock some sense into that man! LMAO!!
As for what you should do...I'm not really sure. It sounds as if you have tried everything already. Or at least that I would advise to try. He needs to be a little bit more understanding that you are exhausted and it could be due to a medical problem and his sympathy would be appreciated rather than being a demanding sex freak..lol!
As for the lingerie, does he buy them or do you? I bet if you find something flattering that you absolutely LOVE and feel good in, that would help with the insecurity. Buy leather..it holds up the "bags"...LOL!!! And while you're at it, get a whip too so you can knock some sense into that man! LMAO!!
I'm hysterical here. I have lingerie that is flattering I'm just not interested in putting on an outfit. Yes he's very insensitive to my issues. Sometimes I wish I do have a medical condition it would explain a lot and would also make him feel like a complete a-hole.
Lingerie doesnt quite cut it at my age! Waste of money it is! Matter of fact it is just funny! Miami ya gotta be careful what you ask for. If you complain he is taking to long and you want to sleep, he will revert to the bam bam thankyou ma'am and yu will never ever again get satisfied. My advice is to put him in charge of the little one and try to tire him out before bedtime! Works for kids!
Wow girl!!! 3-4 times a week???? Geez!!!!! My husband sure wishes...We are only once or twice on a good week. Always once but not too often more than that. With 6 kids and his crazy schedule, there just isn't time. But we have the same fight sometimes. And we have had some big ones over this very subject.
With my last pregnancy, I remember we got into this HUGE fight. I just couldn't believe it. I was about 14 or 15 weeks along. My nausea was getting better but I was not completely over it yet. (I get that really bad every time.) Anyway, my then, youngest was only about 20 months old or so. She had been really sick for about 3 days at this point. She hadn't been sleeping and I had been working full time with no sleep and a very sick baby, as well as being sick and pregnant myself. So on Saturday I had to take her to the ER because she had gotten so bad off. (I had taken her to one of those Walgreens Clinics just the day before and they said it was a virus but they were waaaaay wrong.) So as I said, on Sat. I took her to the ER and she was sooooo very sick. She was almost lethargic and running fever (104 and higher). They gave her 2 shots of antibiotics, prescribed more and breathing treatments. So the next day, my husband decides we don't have sex enough. Don't know why he got the wild hair on this particular day. I guess because it ended in y but we got in this big fight. Well his timing couldn't have been worse. Of course my hormones were all over the place, plus for all of the other above reasons and I just started crying. I hate crying but I couldn't help it and I just couldn't stop once I got started! I just couldn't believe that he could be so insensitive. It was terrible. My nose was so stopped up from all the crying and my eyes were almost swollen shut as well. Well, he ended up feeling really bad after that. I told him the same thing. I have told him that maybe he just needs to go find someone else, but that he will need to switch women every few years or so because the sex does change in a relationship for soooooo many reasons. And I told him that it will be that way with anyone. And I believe that to be true.
Don't think you are the only one that fights about this. Almost all men and women fight about it and it's usually the men that want it more and the women that want it less. And men get off so easy. Everyone makes so many excuses for men because they have hormones. So what!!! So do I but if I go off my husband because of my hormones, I will get called the 5 letter word that starts with B!!
I didn't read all the comments but I sure plan to!!!
With my last pregnancy, I remember we got into this HUGE fight. I just couldn't believe it. I was about 14 or 15 weeks along. My nausea was getting better but I was not completely over it yet. (I get that really bad every time.) Anyway, my then, youngest was only about 20 months old or so. She had been really sick for about 3 days at this point. She hadn't been sleeping and I had been working full time with no sleep and a very sick baby, as well as being sick and pregnant myself. So on Saturday I had to take her to the ER because she had gotten so bad off. (I had taken her to one of those Walgreens Clinics just the day before and they said it was a virus but they were waaaaay wrong.) So as I said, on Sat. I took her to the ER and she was sooooo very sick. She was almost lethargic and running fever (104 and higher). They gave her 2 shots of antibiotics, prescribed more and breathing treatments. So the next day, my husband decides we don't have sex enough. Don't know why he got the wild hair on this particular day. I guess because it ended in y but we got in this big fight. Well his timing couldn't have been worse. Of course my hormones were all over the place, plus for all of the other above reasons and I just started crying. I hate crying but I couldn't help it and I just couldn't stop once I got started! I just couldn't believe that he could be so insensitive. It was terrible. My nose was so stopped up from all the crying and my eyes were almost swollen shut as well. Well, he ended up feeling really bad after that. I told him the same thing. I have told him that maybe he just needs to go find someone else, but that he will need to switch women every few years or so because the sex does change in a relationship for soooooo many reasons. And I told him that it will be that way with anyone. And I believe that to be true.
Don't think you are the only one that fights about this. Almost all men and women fight about it and it's usually the men that want it more and the women that want it less. And men get off so easy. Everyone makes so many excuses for men because they have hormones. So what!!! So do I but if I go off my husband because of my hormones, I will get called the 5 letter word that starts with B!!
I didn't read all the comments but I sure plan to!!!
Lol I will try the tire him out method. Michele I think my hormones lead me to want it more at one time and less at another and I'm sure it is confusing for him but biologically women are more in the mood when they are ovulating. That's because we have to want to have sex in order to procreate. Its like when animals are in heat. It is the same for us. Try explaining this to them though...forget it!
Mami, I have been away for awhile but I didn't know you were living with your mother.
I'd have a very hard time betting the warmies for a guy who has cheated, and now can't afford a place to live in.
I think you're a saint to give it to him 3 - 4 times a week. He would be getting zippo from me until he could manage to man up and afford a place to live.
Best wishes.
I'd have a very hard time betting the warmies for a guy who has cheated, and now can't afford a place to live in.
I think you're a saint to give it to him 3 - 4 times a week. He would be getting zippo from me until he could manage to man up and afford a place to live.
Best wishes.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Rockrose, where they live is extraordinarily expensive. People do the best they can and I think I'd be pretty upset if my significant other withheld sex because I was working on my finances. Now . . . Mom in the other room is another story. That can kill a mood.
Yeaaah I can relate. 8 months pregnant and with a 20-month-old daughter and we have it 3-4 times a week as well and I have to admit...sometimes when he gives me "the look" I want to cry because I'm just so exhausted. And DH is another one of those men who wants to go for like an hour (sometimes two or three...I'm almost in tears thinking about it, no joke)...I mean...OMG...it's getting to be 20-30 minutes and I'm literally, in my head, thinking "alright, seriously? get on with it. I'm glad you're enjoying it but....I'm tired." He did that last night (sorry TMI) our daughter was staying with grandma so he automatically assumed that meant "us" night, which resulted in him doing something for me that lasted 10 minutes and I got to return the favor for 56 minutes. The clock was in my line of vision, and yes I'm going to He*ll for it, but I checked the time (he doesn't know that LOL). My neck is SO sore and I am SO exhausted today that I want to slap him silly. I actually got to the point last night where I jokingly purred "you're exhausting me, I don't think I'm woman enough for you tonight" and while he got a big kick out of it because I was stroking his male ego (ahem) he realized it was my polite way of asking him to get on with it...and low and behold, things ended rather shortly after. And I got irritated because he was like "it felt so good I didn't want it to end" ...............jerk. LOL
IDK but all I know is that I can relate. I seriously want to cry when he asks me some nights and it's not like he forces me to and he DOES work hard to pleasure me and I do enjoy it but.....I wouldn't mind a nice long sexual hiatus.
And I wanted to add to another comment that I WISH my husband would just call me a B*tch if I said no...instead, he gets all emo "you don't want me anymore??" ugh. Honestly? no, not right now. Ask me tomorrow ;). But of course I don't say that. I'm honored just like you that after 8 years my husband still wants me several times on a daily basis. Can I just have a medal instead?
Men. Sigh.
IDK but all I know is that I can relate. I seriously want to cry when he asks me some nights and it's not like he forces me to and he DOES work hard to pleasure me and I do enjoy it but.....I wouldn't mind a nice long sexual hiatus.
And I wanted to add to another comment that I WISH my husband would just call me a B*tch if I said no...instead, he gets all emo "you don't want me anymore??" ugh. Honestly? no, not right now. Ask me tomorrow ;). But of course I don't say that. I'm honored just like you that after 8 years my husband still wants me several times on a daily basis. Can I just have a medal instead?
Men. Sigh.
Oh no, I didn't mean that my husband would call me the B word. He doesn't call me names or anything like that. I just meant in general that men can act the way they want and blame it on hormones and we are just suppose to understand because "they can't help it". But when we act a certain way or are in a bad mood, or don't want sex, they don't understand.
mami, it's hard. It just is and I have an aunt that I am really close to. She just tells me that we will fight about this probably forever and that I am not alone. I vent to her about it, but it's not as bad as it used to be. I know he would like it more, but I think he understands a lot more than he used to. He could just be sick and running a fever and still want it and just can't understand why I'm not the same way. And I just told him "because men and women are wired differently, that's why".
Anyway, just remember that I am only a PM or text message away!!!!
mami, it's hard. It just is and I have an aunt that I am really close to. She just tells me that we will fight about this probably forever and that I am not alone. I vent to her about it, but it's not as bad as it used to be. I know he would like it more, but I think he understands a lot more than he used to. He could just be sick and running a fever and still want it and just can't understand why I'm not the same way. And I just told him "because men and women are wired differently, that's why".
Anyway, just remember that I am only a PM or text message away!!!!
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Sex is one of those things that is different for every couple. For some people, it is how they SHOW love and how they FEEL loved. And for some it is just an animal need. People all have different levels of libido and it can change as we go through the years. There is no right or wrong answer to how much is enough. You are entitled to be tired and he is entitled to always be horny. It is coming together and addressing it so that both feel understood and heard. Resolutions come when both people are willing to work on it.
Maybe on nights you work, he could take care of Jay that evening and do some of the night time stuff--------- dishes, play with Jay, give him his bath, put him to bed while you relax for a bit. Then you might feel in the mood. Or if the problem is nights that you are off but going to work the next day--------- you could try that. And on nights that you say you are just too tired, he can cuddle with you instead. I always worry when sex becomes like a job for one partner in a relationship. It compounds the problem.
This is a good subject for therapy. Of course, I'm going to tell you that 3 to 4 times a week is pretty darn good--------- . I think if a couple has had some hard times recently, well---------- it is also difficult to feel sexy towards that person 24/7. And I often see the one who wants sex more does nothing to give the other party what they need that is not related to sex. So, I think some give and take should happen.
I don't know if that helped one bit and probably it didn't. But I know it is hard. Don't give up and just try to talk. Everyone gets the farthest with communicating when they speak from their heart. Handling his anger the way he did is not helpful to resolving the issue. He should know that too. Good luck------------