Is This a Mid Life Crisis?

[Loreal65]

Hi,

I just found this website today and initially I was seeking help for an issue involving my daughter.
Was browzing the site and came across this forum and a man telling about how his wife had a crush on her boss.

Well,  I have a crush on my boss.
I am ashamed and confused.    I don't condone cheating and don't want to hurt anyone and haven't done anything that has crossed the line.

I'm in my late 40's.   Married my husband in 1990.   Didn't realize he had a drinking problem at first.    Divorced him mostly due to the alcohol in 2003.    Got back together with him in 2004 after he had been sober 9 months and remarried.     He has been sober 10 years, has no program.

My husband is a workaholic.   It got worse 2 years ago when he went into business for himself.   He works 6 days a week.   So do I, but not by choice.   He doesn't say no to customers.   All he talks about is how much work he has and he talks about the bills.     I am bored by this and turn him out when he does so.

I am ashamed to say that when he was actively drinking heavily- I did get involved with with 2 men @ work.   The first time was when my children were still toddlers.   I think I was in denial about my husband's drinking.    I was working overtime and also spending time with a guy from work after work.   My husband didn't stay awake to see when I came home.   He was passed out.     This is not an excuse,   I'm just saying what happened at the time.

Then around 2002- the drinking got really bad.    We did  not have sex for 2 years.  His beer was his mistress.    We separated.    I had an affair with a guy @ work.    After not being intimate for 2 years,  one can figure out this guy was giving me the attention I craved.   And of course he said he loved me.    And of course I later found out he had a girlfriend.     So it turned out to be a lousy situation.

My husband finally got sober and was sober for himself- not just to save the marriage.   When he was sober 9 months- we remarried.   At first it was like a honeymoon stage.   He was very affectionate and shared his feelings.

It's interesting that the man that posted about his wife having an affair on her boss- mentioned menopause.   I started reading Christiane Northrop's book on menopause and stopped reading it because she wasn't focusing on the physical symptoms.    Didn't get very far in the book  but she seemed to be talking about how when you're at this stage there is so much wisdom and how you know what you want and don't settle and how she divorced her husband, etc.    I stopped reading the book because I didn't want to admit how unhappy I was.

I feel the business takes everything out of my husband.    We haven't been intimate in over a year.    

Last year we got a new postmaster.   The previous one had short man syndrome.
I'm attracted to him because of his kindness and I've never been attracted to a man because of his kindness.   He is not "my type".  He is preppy and shaves his head bald.   He is also married.

I may be mistaking his kindness- but he has done things like complimented me on my hair,  bought me coffees,  told a customer I was his favorite employee, said the construction guys would be whistling at me,  given me his power bars, and also we have texted.   I know he also texts other employees.    One sweltering day,  I texted him and asked him when he went to Dunkins- would he go to the Dollar Store and get me a towel?   He said he was going to Dunkins and asked if I was serious and I said I was, that I was sweating like a pig and would pay him for the towel and for our coffees.    He brought me the coffee and the towel and didn't want any money for it.

Another time he was texting me and asked me if I wanted a coffee and I texted "I can't be bought."   He asked me why I was being so formal.    

I bought a card for a clerk who recently got married and went in his office to have him sign the card.   He was saying how I was a nice person to do this.     See-  sometimes I think he is just being kind and sometimes I feel like there is something there- an attraction.

Yesterday I texted him and said I owed him Dunkins and he never answered me.   So I deleted his number.   Now I can't text him.    Good.

He knows I have a problem with him but he doesn't know what it is or maybe he is playing stupid- that he doesn' t notice I have a crush on him.

I told my husband months ago that I wanted him to quit the business and get a regular 40 hour job   He said it's gonna take some time to finish up some jobs.   I've grown to hate his business.

To be perfectly honest-  I don't like how my husband doesn't take care of himself.  He hasn't taken his blood pressure meds for 2 years.     He doesn't exercise.    His curly hair gets so long that he starts to look like Bozo.   He doesn't brush his teeth on a regular basis.

I'm not perfect by any means but do have good hygiene and am considered attractive at my age.   I'm in my late 40's.

When did my husband think it was okay to try to stop impressing me?......

I also can't seem to forget my first love.   It's like the song "Strawberry Wine" by Deanna Carter where she says "Is it really him or the loss of my innocence, I've been missing so much?"

I met him at age 18.   My parents got divorced.  I dated him for 4 years.    Was engaged but afraid of ending up like my mother 20 years down the road.   I gave the ring back twice and he finally got tired of waiting and broke up with me.

I find myself dreaming about him a lot.   The dreams are very "hot" and we are in love and getting back together.
I am friends with him on facebook.  He is married and is flattered I still have feelings for him.

Told my husband a few months ago I wasn't happy and he said he knew.  
Told him recently I felt we had grown apart and that I didn't want to be married anymore.
I don't want to spend my life being married to a workholic.

And now, in his own way- he is trying, I guess.  But I almost feel as if I don't care anymore.

I've never really been on my own before and am scared, but I have a good job.   I just want my to live with my dogs and to be left alone.

Our kids are 23 and 21.   They both want are saddened by this and want us to do everything possible to save the marriage.  I feel like it's too late.

We are under a lot of stress because our 22 year old daughter is on heroin and denying it.
Our 23 year old son has been on us since December to kick her out because of the boyfriend she was with.  Since he's found out about the heroin- he has really been on our case about tough love and kicking her out.

I feel I have failed as a parent to both my kids.
I feel guilty for having a crush on my boss.

I feel guilty for being selfish and wanting more.

Whenever I see a bike-  I wish I was on the back of a guy's bike!!!

As far as marriage counselling goes-  we have been in the past.    And I know what they would say today "Have a date night".    When do you think a workaholic would take time from his schedule to go to counselling?   I don't think so.

I do deal with depression.
I do have an appt. Tuesday with a therapist.     And I can't wait to be honest with him and talk about everything.

[Loreal65]

Thank you!!!!

Monday night we kicked out our daughter.   Her boyfriend being on your road and walking away from our house was basically the dealbreaker.   My husband thinks she snuck him into the house while we were sleeping!  

Our son doesn't feel safe.   If anything ever happened between my son and the boyfriend,  I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Tried to go to sleep Monday night and I started crying uncontrollably.   Was up around 2:30 a.m. chatting with a girlfriend on facebook about Shalene.    I don't recall going thru anything as painful as this.

Met the new therapist Tuesday.   He seems nice.   He also suggested alanon and I'm seeing him again next week.

I'll check out that board again.   I have posted on it once.

take care,

Laurie

[nursegirl6572]

I FULLY agree with you about the recovery program....it's not a substitution for a solid, ongoing recovery program, but in the least, it is something he's turned his attention to that is helping to keep him on the right track, and that's a good thing.  Not being a work-a-holic, but the business himself.  He needs to be able to find some balance for sure...between work and home.

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter.  That's SO rough.  I know it is easier said than done to be "tough", but essentially that's what needs to happen.  Unfortunately, if your daughter isn't made to hit her bottom and fend for herself, she has even less of an incentive to get help for herself.  I wouldn't in a million years spend 4K on an intervention...there are MANY ways you can help her, but in the end, it's 100% up to HER what she does.  I know that in itself is just impossible.  Alanon or naranon is a great idea...you don't have to go to naranon, alanon would be appropriate too, especially since you have experience with that group.

You've definitely got a lot going on, and maybe your interactions with these other men are a way for you to self medicate away the feelings you're having...like an escape from reality.  Any which way, that's only going to end up complicating matters big time, which you clearly recognize.  It's good that you cancelled your plans to meet on the beach, but please keep your eyes wide open, because the simple fact that you MADE those plans in the first place tells me that you're teetering....and you don't want to end up doing something you regret.  I would also recommend steering clear of alcohol completely...one, because obviously, it lowers your inhibitions and allows you to rationalize doing things you wouldn't necessarily do when sober, and TWO, it will add to feelings of depression and anxiety.  You've already got that going on, you don't want to make it worse.

Hopefully, you and your husband can get some marital counseling and start communicating your needs to each other better.  I want to tell you though....your overall attitude toward this is pretty negative.  I'm not faulting you for that, but if you stay in that mindset, it's going to make trying to work on your marriage that much harder.  For example....you said the following:

"For the most part- I feel it's a little too little too late and don't know if those feelings will change."

I understand that's how you feel, but you cannot even remotely begin to allow yourself to think like that.  This is a multi-faceted issue...you've got the stressors with your daughter (and your son really, as he's adding to the stress), the stressors of your marriage not being in a good place with a big disconnect, and now you've added this flirting stuff, which I'm sure deep down, you feel bad about.  You're definitely looking for an escape...you're just looking in the wrong places.  It's hard, but adjusting your attitude, trying to hang onto the GOOD stuff will go a long way.

DEFINITELY work on "you" is paramount.  You need to address the anxiety and depression...so the therapist is a good thing...he will be able to help you start navigating through that.  Then, you're going to have to formulate a plan WITH your husband on how to deal with your daughter's addiction.  

I would recommend browsing and posting on our "Living with an addict" community...there are some awesome people there who will really help you, give you advice, and support you through such a tough time.  Really, as a parent of an addict, there is SO much to learn.  There are the "right" ways to handle it, and a LOT more "wrong" ways.  Having the addict be your child makes it SO very impossible to push through those tough decisions.

I agree that you need to take care of YOU before you can expect to work together to muddle through all of these other issues.

Keep posting....we're here for you!
  

[Loreal65]

Hi,

I appreciate your response.   Would like to point out that I don't consider it cheating because my husband and I were separated at the time.  The guy was single as well.  And so I don't have a history of cheating.

As much as I appreciate his sobriety,  I don't feel the business is the same as a recovery program.

There's a saying that goes something like this:  "Don't be too busy making a living that you don't have time to make a life."  It is true,  I resent the business and feel it's created distance between us.

It isn't that I'm craving male attention.   The male attention is a distraction from what is going on.  

I am not sure what I want anymore and hopefully talking w/therapist will help.  

thank you for your well wishes.

[Loreal65]

2005- right before my husband & I remarried- I told him about my involvement with this guy and he actually responded as if it were no surprise and did not seem upset  or hold it over my head.)

So Saturday after feeling buzzed with the wine(not an excuse) this guy and I make plans to meet at the beach

This morning I messaged him and said as much as I wanted to meet with him,  with all that's going on with my life right now- I don't want to be "that woman".     I don't need to feel any worse about myself.   I don't need any guilt and I don't want to hurt anyone.

The other day- I also deleted the boss's number from my phone and don't plan on texting him anymore.    There is another boss I can call if necessary regarding work stuff.

My husband has been doing some things to try to make things better w/us.   Him and my son were supposed to be going away for a few days later this month, but now that is not happening.   I'd really like some time alone though.

For the most part- I feel it's a little too little too late and don't know if those feelings will change.

The other thing I didn't share is what is going on with 22 year old daughter, Shalene.   Initially she'd been involved with an abusive boyfriend and loser of a boyfriend for other reasons.   This in itself was heartbreaking enough and also that she would not press charges against him and keeps going back to him.

I recently found out my daughter is doing heroin!  
I have dealt with the alcohol and done alanon but it is a different ball game when the addiction is your adult child.    At this point she is denying it.

I've contacted a professional intervention service but they want about $4000.00   I've contacted the Dept. of Child and Family Services and got a response that there is only one naranon meeting that is not really close to my area and that some one will be contacting me.   I've written a letter to my daughter's former pediatrician, in hopes that he can give me some resources.

We also have a 23 year old son.   He is so different.  He has wanted to be in police officer since he was 5, was a police explorer, started working at 16, about to graduate college,  basically has done well for himself.

He recently moved back home after breaking up w/his girlfriend.   He has been after my husband and I to kick his sister out since December and this was because of the jerko boyfriend.   Since he's found out about the heroin- he is really hounding us to do this tough love.

My husband is more of a softie than I am and doesn't want to kick her out and thinks things would get worse for her.   Of course I want to do something and don't know what else there is to do aside from kicking her out.  

It is so easy for others (like my father) to say "lay down the law" as well as advice from those whose children are not even teens yet.

Thank God my son is doing well or else I'd feel like a total failure as a parent.

The stress of all this has caused me recently to start having heart flutterings or I guess you call them palpitations.  I'm going to call my doctor about that and might get to see her today because I called in sick.

Have thought about doing some running again.   That is a good idea.

So when I say I want to be on the back of a guy's bike- it's me seeing I want to feel free and run away from all that is going on.   I find myself biting the inside of my mouth constantly.

I have vacation the first 2 weeks of August and can't even think straight to make plans.......

My husband just called.  Shalene called last night saying she needed a ride home from her friends house and would start walking.   The truth is that she was with that jerk boyfriend and lied about it.  My son said he saw the guy walking on our road this morning but I've been home and haven't seen him.   Great.

Guess I need to take care of myself and call my doctor and try to relax today and maybe go out by the pool.

[nursegirl6572]

I also think that Annie gave you great advice.

Honey, I think you're on a very slippery slope.  You already have a history (albeit long ago) of having been unfaithful....and you're going down that road again.  I understand that you're craving male attention and such, but getting buzzed on wine and texting with another man isn't the way to handle how you feel.  

I also kind of take issue with you telling your husband you want him to ditch his business and get a 40 hr a week job.  From what you said, it sounds like he worked his behind off to make a successful business, and as much as he talks about it, he seems like he's very proud of what he's accomplished.  

To make that a term of your relationship feels very unfair and a little selfish to me.  Of course, him working constantly is an issue, as it should be.  But, instead of demanding he ditch the business, why not come up with solutions to where he could not have to work so much?  Hire someone?  Have YOU help out a bit with the business stuff?  You have to remember too that it's probably a little hurtful to him that you don't seem to be as supportive as he would like in the HUGE accomplishments he's made.  it sounds like his business is very much his recovery program....and you have to give him kudos for his sobriety for sure.

You definitely need to work on your marriage, together, as there are multiple issues....I'm sure on his side as well.  Marital counseling would be a great idea, in addition to the individual therapy you're going to partake in.

But, you REALLY need to cease all of these communcations/flirting with other men.  That's only going to cause you more issues, and you cannot fairly work on fixing your marriage while you're allowing other men to distract you, especially to the point it's gotten.  That really has to be a priority in order for you to get anywhere with fixing your marriage hon.

Very best to you!

[Loreal65]

Hi,

Thank you for your quick and insightful responses.    I did read it over a couple of times.

I do get the part/concert about having a male therapist.   Even though I've developed a crush on my boss-  I do not feel I need rescuing by a man.    In fact- it's more like I feel jaded by love and marriage and want to be alone.

I've prayed to God and asked him to take these feelings away and prayed for my marriage and asked how do people stay marriage for a good number of years?    And feel he hasn't answered me yet.     I don't get how couples who have only been married a short time can have so many problems but I'm not in their shoes.

Truth is, I have been treated for depression and have been taking 2 antidepressants for a number of years.  In a couple weeks I'm seeing a psych to see if the meds can be tweaked.   Waited 4 months to get in to see a therapist and ended up with a girl young enough to be my daughter.  She was too young and inexperienced.

I am going to give this male therapist a shot because I feel the need is so great at this time.   And I will caution myself against those things you mentioned.

In being honest here,   Saturday night I bought myself some wine and I'm not really a drinker.   Long story short-  was texting with the guy I had a thing with when my husband and I separated.    (interestingly- back in 2004

[AnnieBrooke]

Oh, when I said "don't screw it up with more overt flirting" with your boss, I didn't mean that what you are doing now sounded overt, I meant don't screw it up by upping the flirting to the level where it is more overt.  It could bite you in all ways if you do.

And sorry that I didn't see it was your *previous* boss who should be entitled Mr. Shorty.  (We can call your present boss "Mr. Says Inappropriate Things to, and About, Female Employees" -- I ask you, if you were the boss [and female], would you ever tell a customer that some male employee of yours was your "favorite"?  Or buy him little things, compliment his hair, give him hints that women find him sexy, or bring him coffee?)  If you're lucky, the other workers won't have noticed all the bright eyes and smiles and pegged you as having an affair, or at least as the teacher's pet.  This matters because you need the job, to support yourself if you decide it's time for your marriage to end and to stand on your own two feet.  As I said before, you certainly need the job more than you need to flirt with Mr. Baldy.  

[Chima7]

I really can't add anything to what Annie has already posted. Please read her answer again and really let it sink in cause she is right on.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Wow, AnnieBrooke, Just Wow!!  That was so insightful!!

[AnnieBrooke]

I was reading your post and formulating a response in my mind, going to comment positively about your accountability and talk about being bored with one's partner and unhappy with one's marriage, and when you said you were going to get some counseling I was thinking "That will be helpful." Then up popped your last sentence, "I can't wait to be honest with him and talk about everything."  

Sweetheart, it is VERY useful and relieving to talk about things with a counselor.  But, and I say this with respect, get a woman therapist.  The first reason is that women understand from first-hand experience (not what they read in a book) why it is that a woman in her 40s might be bored out of her wits in a marriage to a workaholic and the other things you have described.  The feeling of not being attractive or interesting to one's husband any more because he only talks about his work and doesn't brush his teeth, the worries about the kids, and all -- all of this is your issue but the background wouldn't need to be said to another woman.  Of course women in the world are still one-down and sometimes make some choices out of fear that they have to attract a man 'or else,' and a woman would understand this without saying.  Even the best of men therapists don't know firsthand the subtle societal pushes that nudge on a woman one way or the other when she is going through stuff.  

The other reason I suggest this, though, brought on by your last sentence, is that a male therapist might bring out the vulnerability you have right now to getting crushes on men who are interested in what you say and have their act together more than your husband.  I know you wouldn't act on a crush, but what a pain it would be; you don't need another one.  It makes me nervous to read you saying "I can't wait to be honest with him and talk about everything," almost the same way you wrote about your crushes, and presumably you haven't even met the guy yet.  Don't run to be saved by another guy with authority -- when he solves at least some of your loneliness and need to be heard, the chances are you will start to have fantasies of kissing him.  You don't need that after all else that is going on, and you might also not tell him everything you need to tell him if you are trying to look good.  Therapists are wonderful, but you would do yourself a favor if you would just cancel with him and book with a woman.

Anyway, back to your post.  I appreciate your accountability.  A lot of people (especially men) would post like "My wife let herself go so I am tempted to cheat, after all I'm only human."  I hate to see people not take ownership of their actions, and clearly you are.  Points for you.  

I also understand what it is to have a workaholic husband whose idea of fun is to prose on and on and on about his business at great length.  Luckily in my life, some life events jarred him out of it, but when he was at his worst, I did get a series of doozies of crushes.  I had enough common sense not to act on them (in one case, just barely enough to just barely not act on it) because I was very conscious of wanting to be truthful (in other words, not to have to lie to him).  But it was a cold time for me, rough and worrisome.  I'm not here to tell you that this means you will be able to turn your marriage around, but just to say that the way you are describing things sounds like just the way to describe them, in order to get forward movement in your counseling.

Please don't feel like a failure.  Life is long and the downturns we suffer are not permanent.  You have time to fix this, whether you decide to be alone or he notices how serious it is and cleans up his act.  See your doc too and get a light antidepressant if you are willing.  And up your exercise regime -- it tests better than antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds.

I'm glad you have a good job, don't screw it up with more overt flirting with Mr. Shorty; you need the job and you don't actually need that boss. lol

Write back, I'm just stream-of-consciousness here.  

Annie