Marriage problems, don't know what to do......please help!

[nalla]

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  I came downstairs and my husband was crying. (he never cries and he didn't know I was up)  So we spent all night talking.  He said about a year ago he met this woman at work and fell in love with her.  He said that he does't feel that way about me anymore.  He said he has never tried anything with her. And I believe him.  We are strong christians and he would never go against what God says.  But he can't stop thinking about her. He says he wants to sleep with her and be with her. He said she is his dream girl. Just exactly who he pictured being with his whole life.  A part of me doesn't understand that because they have never spent any time with each other than work. And half the time they were not even working together. They have a lot in common and David and I don't really have much in common. But we have always made it work. We are still able to have a lot of fun over the years. We both spend a lot of time laughing. The way I see it (or used to I guess) is what he lacks ( in personality etc) I make up for and vice versa.  We have been married for 11 years, together 12, and never really had huge problems. Of course we have had the "normal" problems that every couple has, but we have always been able to work things out. We were not only lovers, but friends.  I loved that!!.
This last Oct. I got really sick and was in a lot of pain for a long time. (I had severe endometriosis and andomyosis) and needed a hysterectomy in Nov.  After the surgery I became addicted to pain killers. (physicaly, NOT mentaly) and went off of them cold turkey. So the "recovery" from that lasted a few months.  Then about 2 months ago I got really sick and was in a lot of pain and ended up with my gallbladder taken out.  I'm just now all healed up from the surgery but am having REALLY bad problems w/ my ears. Severe vertigo and next week need to have tubes put in my ears to drain the fluid. And through the years, I have been pregnant 8 times and with all of those I had REALLY BAD pregnancies.  Was in and out of the hospital through all of them. Well David told me that he has to accept that I'm just not a healthy person and there will always be something that will come up, and that isn't the life he wants to live. ( I don't agree, I have just had plain bad luck this past year)  He isn't supportive with any of the medical issues that I have had. My sister has a lot of mental issues and fakes illnesses and is always in the hospital from hurting herself and or/trying to kill herself. The things she does to herself is VERY severe. He can't stand my sister and I'm afraid he see's me like how she is. Which I'm NOT, not even close!!!!
What brough all of this up is I have bad vertigo, I'm dizzy 24/7. At night I need to take a sleeping pill to sleep cause the feeling I get makes me sick to my stomach. Well last night I took a sleeping pill and was walking up the stairs with my blanket. I got my foot wrapped up in the blanket and tripped and couldn't catch my balance and fell down the stairs. He came running and helped me, but I think that was the last straw with him.  He has no sympathy and is tired of taking care of me when I'm down. It makes me so sad and angry that the whole "in sickness and health" doesn't seem to apply in our marriage.
He says that he doesn't want to get into a relationship with this other woman and wants to stay with his family. He says he wants to feel things things for me, he wants to want to kiss me, hug me, and make love to me. He doesn't want to feel that way about her and wants to feel that way about me again, but doesn't know how and doesn't know why he feels this way about me. But one thing that is important to him is that we don't have really anything in common, he says that I'm just not the type of person he wants to be with, it's just not for him.
There was no huge fight that started all of this, we have been getting along great. I didn't even know there was a problem. I noticed things were a little different with us, but I thought it was more to do with me being sick and all the other problems I'm having right now. I know things can't be "perfect" or normal when one person is sick or is having a problem.
I told him that I don't want to have a marriage without love. I deserve and need that. I love him so much and don't want to just live with him knowing that I can't hold him. And eventually our kids will notice that something is wrong. (we have 4 kids, one of them being dissabled)  I don't know what to do. I was not expecting this, it came out of the blue! and I'm devistated.  He said he would go to counceling but doesn't want to try because right now he doesn't want to be with me, he is hoping that couunceling will help him want me again., but can't go untill harvest is over. During harvest he litteraly works 15 hour days 7 days a week.  This is the summer, so after harvest he will be going back to school.  And that is another thing.  He hasn't finished yet. He is really depressed about this. He feels that he isn't where he should be at the age he is. He is 30 years old and still has 2 years of school left. He was in school 3 years ago, but had to drop out when I got pregnant with our son. And we found out during the pregnancy that he had spina bifida, so we needed the time to get ready for his birth, and go through all of those emotions, etc etc.  Anyway, in Jan he went back to school and took time off for the summer to work. And now he isnt sure that he wants to go back, he feels like he was failed and it's too late in life to go back. Right now he has a great job that pays the bills plus some, but it isn't work that he enjoys doing.
Please tell me what I should do! Do I leave and take care of my kids alone? But he doesn't want me to leave, but I don't know how to live like that....in a loveless marriage.  I don't want to end the marriage!!!  Should I just stick it out untill harvest is over?  That will probably be end of Aug. begining of Sep.
I'm really sorry that this is so long. I just needed to get it all out. I don't have anybody to talk to about this. I don't want to get my family and friends involved because it's obvious that I have failed with David and I'm ashamed that I let this happen.  Obvioulsy if I would have been a better wife he wouldn't have fallen for another woman. :((  

[bizeemom]

Nalla, if you are still there or check your e-mail, I'll send you the info about the book.  It's called Marriage Undercover by Bob and Audrey Meisner (Former " It's A New Day " host from Canadian Christian Talk Show)  Really, I want to send you one.  You have enough to do w/ the children and taking care of your husband.  That's one small thing that I can do to help!!!  

Also, I'm so proud of you.  I know that this time extremely difficult for you; to have him unload these feelings you never knew exsited and then to feel like everthing has changed after your discussion w/ him the other night.  What you are doing is right.  Remember the Footprints in the sand.  When we are weak He is strong.  I also think that God does that w/ us in our marriages.  You sound like God's already given you strength and insight to this whole situation.  Do continue to love and support him, and tell him that.  My husband and I say sometimes, "I'm really having a hard time liking you right now, but I do still love you."  He does love you, otherwise he wouldn't have told you what he is going through but it is urgent to do something right now.   And don't let the enemy feed the neg. thoughts about guilt and blame.  Take possession in the Holy Name and fight off the enemy (spiritual warfare-if you believe in that) E-mail me so I can send you the book, if that's alright.  Love in Christ  Sylvia

It's so neat to see the support group here!

[have 2 kids]

I'm glad you two talked and will get counseling.  Being married is to much work to just all the sudden give up without a fight.  Good luck!

[nalla]

I just wanted to thank all of you that posted to me.  We talked a lot last night and he agreed to counseling. He even called and left a message with one. We are waiting for her to call us back.  And he told me that overall he has been feeling really depressed about life in general and wants to get counseling alone as well as together.  We were up past 2:00am talking, but it was good. We were both honest with each other. A lot of the truth hurt a lot, but at least we are getting everything out in the open.  So I'm excited and nervous about our therapy.  I pray that it helps!!

Thank you all for what you said, your prayers and thoughts, it really did help a lot!

I will keep telling myself that this is not my fault and hopefully I will start to believe it soon!  I know in my head that it's not my fault, but in my heart it feels like I could have done more or something different.  But now that I know he is depressed, a lot of this makes more sense to me.

Again thanks!  I'm glad I posted this.  I was hesitant to at first.....

[BearHitch]

Wow... my heart really goes out to you!  On one hand your husband says he wants to be with you and feel for you again, and on the other he told you he wants to be with and sleep with this woman at work.  I agree with RR that he isn't really in love with this woman- the grass is always greener and she looks appealing therefore.  It is your last comment though I want to address... You said that "Obvioulsy if I would have been a better wife he wouldn't have fallen for another woman."  You can't let that get into your head at all because it will only make the situation worse!  Even the most giving, beautiful and intelligent woman in the world could have a husband start to look somewhere else.  You cannot control your health problems- I've had a few of them myself this year, so I know how hard it can be to not blame yourself for the problems.  I agree with the others not to give up, and try counseling.  I know he says he doesn't want to yet because he doesn't want to be with you, but a counselor could help sort out why that is for him.  I don't really have any other advice, I just wanted to encourage you not to let lies and guilt bombard you and make this worse.  I don't have to know or see you to be able to say that you are a beautiful woman who deserves the best, and that prayer can do amazing things!  As you continue praying for your husband, know I am praying for you.  Good luck- keep us posted!

[Me2mommy2b]

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're going through this but I agree with RR.  Men aren't as strong as women are (psychologically).  Your son's condition and your med issues maybe too much for him so he doesn't know what to do.  I'd say don't give up on your marriage and definitely look into going to counseling.  11 years and 4 kids later, there must be something that kept you together all this time.

[waitingwithhope]

I posted a response to you in the pregnancy forum....

[RockRose]

The thing is,  Nalla,  he isn't really in love with this woman,  he doesn't evern seem to know her very well.  He has projected onto her persona his ideal of the "perfect woman/perfect wife" and that's what he's longing for.  He wants escape from this painful life - of watching you in a long,  long series of painful conditions,  and watching his son with Spina bifida struggle,  he is searching for an escape in his mind.

God bless you.  I really hope that when you get the tubes in your ears,  that will cure your vertigo and you will be on the way to healing your body.  Eight unhealthy pregnancies is too many to endure - it's amazing you had the courage to keep on and on and on getting pregnant when they all were such a misery.

Maybe once you're back on your feet and healthy again,  you can rebuild a companionship and loving relationship with your husband.

[wunabnorm]

I also think that he may be experiencing a mid life crisis. I know this may sound horrid, or mean but, you could flip the script on him to try and get him to want you back. Just don't pay attention to him as much, and don't let him see that this is bothering you. try and get your self esteem and confidence back. Fix yourself up a bit, Get a new hairdo, or buy a new outfit. Make him realize what he's got, and that he doesn't want to lose you. Put a smile on your face. And walk with pride. Don't sympathize for him, just stay by his side. Be strong, and pray for him. Pray for happiness, and strength, and fulfillment in your lives together. Only God can make this happen, and it will be a very long road to success. But it could still happen. And for this other woman, she may seem so perfect in his eyes now, but what may appear to be green grass, may die in the long run. He just sees an image of her. They only see what each other is willing to show one another. They don't see the carelessness or faults that you see being his wife, and around him everyday. So... therefore, they have this "perfect" image of eachother, and that's what attracts him to this other woman. And then it doesn't help that we spend more time with our coworkers than we do our own families half the time. Is tis other woman even interested in him? Or is it just him being infatuated with her, and she is innocent. If she IS interested, then I will make really clear that he is to keep boundaries with her, and be very careful of any outside events that could possibly take place.

[chellybeans]

i am sooo sorry. i can't imagine the hurt you are feeling, but to be honest it sounds to me like he is in the throes of a mid-life crisis. you really can't blame yourself. you did not ask for poor health and you know in your heart that you would stand by him 100% if the roles were reversed.

maybe life is catching up to him and he was feeling overwhelmed after your fall last night. it's hard to say, but i think i would give it time and work on getting some counseling. for both of you, individually and as a couple.

good luck nalla, and remember, this is NOT your fault.

*hugs*
michelle