Is it worth staying?

[wantanswers]

I love my boyfriend so muchn I've been with him for a year and 7 mos and I knew him for 2yrs and 3mos. After being together for 5 mos we moved in together 2 wks after moving together he went away for 10 mos and I stayed by his side 100% during that time he will always say how much he loves me and I'm the only person who cares for him and he will kill me if I ever leave him or cheat on him. I just took it as a form a expression because he never put his hands on me before or showed any signs of agression. He came home in june and everything was great I was the happiest woman alive he was wonderful to me he did all the things I ever dreamed of a man doing. Then the beginning of this mounth he found out I cheated on him while he was away and I blamed it all on my friend saying somebody got us mixed up and he believed me but he beat me anyway "because of the simple fact" then 2wks after that we've been arguing over every little thing that I just couldn't take it anymore and I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore then he choked me until I said I was only playing. He never put his hands on me other than those two times and I really love him so much could he really love me as much and just don't want to lose me or would love do such a thing?
Please Help!

[sohnnie]

Yes - it's worth staying.  Imagine what you wrote turn into a movie script.  You go the movie theater and watch the movie (your life).  How would you react? Would you say - this is RIDICULOUS!  She doesn't have a gun to her head, isn't handcuffed - why is she going through this!  

Don't get the picture THAT WAY?

Imagine a woman you truly respect and admire (maybe even love):  A mother, a sister, a daughter, a grandmother, an aunt, a teacher, etc.  

Imagine she gave you the story you gave us. Would you want her going through this?  Is it right to let ABUSE continue?  By the way - your body heals from physical abuse.  Your mind and heart don't.

Be brave!  Be phsyically and emotionally strong and LEAVE HIM!  Break the cycle of DRAMA and create the life you want - be healthy!

Take care!!

[wantanswers]

Nobody else had a problem reading it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lucylocket2]

I hate to tell you something you don't want to hear. I could say stick with him and it will get better, but it won't. He has shown his true colors now. Please take the advice given and leave. You will find someone that will love and treasure you. Good luck!

[barn babe]

The first thing you need is a good editor. Your post is barely legible.

[punkybear]

I am very, very sorry to hear about your friend. That is a horrible story. Absolutely heartbreaking. When I first left my fiance, people did tell me that he could have ended up killing me and at first I thought they were being overly dramatic. But now that my head is more clear, I see that this very well could have happened to me because his jealousy, his temper, his rage, were not something normal people exhibit. Many women do end up killed by their partners. Wantanswers, your story sends chills down my spine. He sounds even worse than my ex and that does not speak well for him. Please walk away while you can. Read the response that the forum doctor gave me on the sexuality and relationships board. My question was "Desperately need support and wise words." Her words were very sobering. So were everybody elses'. It hurt very much to cancel my wedding two months before it was supposed to happen and leave my fiance that, at times, felt like my best friend. He was very good to me sometimes. But I was in a dangerous situation, I see now. I am still having hard days sometimes. But I am feeling so free now. I don't have to be nervous all the time anymore. You should never, ever be scared of the person you are with. Not even sometimes.

[thetallchic]

This is never a good situation.  I don't know if you saw 20/20 on Friday night.  But you should try to get a copy or maybe watch it on the internet.  It may give you of glimpse of what could happen to you if you stay.  These things escalate and unfortunately the outcome is usually not good.  You are not married to this man and I would run in the other direction if I were you.  I have been married to a wonderful man for 12 years.  And though everyone goes through hard times, love NEVER includes physical or verbal abuse.  You deserve better - be strong!!!

[punkybear]

And I just wanted to add that my ex-fiance did everything I ever dreamed a man would do sometimes, too. We had more than our share of times together that were beyond wonderful- That's how guys like that are. You have to get hooked somehow. Please leave. He is dangerous and will hurt you over and over again.

[punkybear]

The fact that you cheated I have to say is just irrelevant at this point- he tried to choke you and the abuse will never get better- only worse. He did show red flags in the beginning that you didn't recognize. Telling you things like it would kill him if you ever cheated and things like that are not really normal and it shows he has trust issues and is posessive. My ex-fiance showed controlling signs that I missed, too, in the beginning and then he just started isolating me more and more. Finally, he did put his hands on me and I left. There is never any excuse for a person to hurt another person. I don't care what you did to make him mad.

[pixijal]

I had a friend who had a boyfriend VERY MUCH LIKE THIS...and she is now dead.  He told her that if he couldn't have her, nobody should.  After breaking up and restraining orders...he 'surprised' her when she got off of work...with a knife.  He wanted to 'talk', but  the discussion was nothing he wanted to hear.  He stabbed her to death, then raped her (yes, after she was deceased) and dumped her body near the Missouri river.  

She had previous cries for help...not much different than you.  When she 'disappeared', the police went looking for him, and he cracked.  This was 3 years ago, and she leaves behind two heartbroken sons....

3 weeks ago, he was convicted of 1st degree murder, and qualifies for the death penalty....but it doesn't change the fact that a mother lost a daughter, that children lost a mother, and I lost a friend.

NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T CHOKE SOMEONE EVER.
NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T EVER SAY THREATENING PHRASES LIKE "I'LL KILL YOU"

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN....PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU, DON'T ACT LIKE THIS...IT IS NOT OKAY.

[punkybear]

Ok, sorry to post three times but I just re-read your post and noticed that he said he would KILL YOU if you cheated. He is even more dangerous than I thought! You will need help to get out. Please keep yourself safe. You need to call an abuse or crisis center and they will help you stay safe and away from him.

[Liza55]

If you read about abusive relationship/men either at a support group of some sort or on the internet, you'll see that often these things are textbook. I'll bet there will be all kinds of 'red flags' you will recognize. I have been there, and didn't listen to anyone's advice. But, like all I had read, it got worse and worse. No, he doesn't love you in a healthy way. No, it won't change or get better. Like me, you must figure out why you think it is ok for someone to do this to you. I promise you things will get way worse- get out now. He finally started dating someone else. It was very hard emotionally, but I am ultimately never happier being out of that mess...

[PlateletGal]

I agree with sparkeler. The fact is you are in an abusive relationship. An abusive relationship is not a healthy, loving relationship - it is more about control. A healthy, loving relationship doesn't involve physical abuse and cheating I'm sure as well. My question to you is...now you know that you are in an abusive relationship, what are you going to do about it?

I suggest you seek counseling and move out. You need to put your safety first right now because this relationship is a downward spiral, as glad2bamom put it.

[sk2006a]

there are a lot of things wrong here.  you've probably already figuered out that if this man was truly "the one" you would have remained faithful.  even though you may have fooled him into thinking he had received faulty information, he may never trust you again.

he choked you, then said he was kidding?  i cannot imagine staying with a man who was physically violent towards me.  glad is right...this relationship is in a downward spiral.  can you trust him to never be violent towards you again?  of course, not.  

you both need to move on.  good luck.

[sparkeler]

This relationship is very unhealthy.  I don't think monogomy is for everyone, but it's obviously important to him.  I do think he looks at you as his posession. Posessive people are usually  abusisve, (whether it's emotionally, physically, or both.)  And I do think that the abuse will continue.  Nobody ever beats up their girlfriend right away.  (Ever watch "Whats Love Got To With It?" I highly recommend it.)It will only get worse, (if he doesnt seek immediate help, which I doubt he will.)

I suggest you find a way out of this now.  It's going to be tough to make a change because it seems as though you are comfortable.  Go to your parents, tell them what he did.  I doubt they will suggest you stay with this man.  If you find you have nowhere to turn there are always battered women's shelters.  I don't believe he will let you go easily.  You may have to plan it out a little, if not sneak away. Good Luck!  

P.S. I'm saying this because when you threatened to leave him, he choked you until you said you were kidding.  RED FLAG!

[glad2bamom]

You were the happiest woman alive, but yet you cheated?  I don't know...maybe you should examine if you really love him as much as you think you do.  Maybe you are just with him because it's comfortable, or you're frightened of the possibilities of being alone.  Someone who is "the happiest in the world" doesn't have an affair...or a one night stand.
I'm not judging what you did, I'm just saying that since you're not married, maybe you need to take an opportunity to examine what you really want from life.
Additionally, I don't think there's any reason why 2 people should ever be physically violent with each other.  I understand his hurt and his frustration, but there is no reason that a man should ever hit a woman, or vice versa.  Trust me, it is a downward spiral.  
You need to evaluate yourself, and your relationship.