Is there still hope? Can we get back together after she had intimacy issues?

[eidetz]

My girlfriend (26) broke up with me (28) about a month ago. We had been dating for six months and connected perfectly on very many levels. We were both very attracted to each other, had the same goals, interests, and simply loved spending time with each other. Everything seemed perfect during the first 3-4 months of the relationship. We spent almost all our free time together and thought we were meant for each other. Our physical relationship was also very healthy and we had sex almost every day. After this initial period things started to change a bit though. We still spent almost every free second together and enjoyed having each other very much, but her passionate kisses and hugs became more rare and her desire to be physical with me started to fade. I sometimes got very frustrated, because she started to deny me when I tried to initiate any kind of intimate activity with her. I finally decided to ask her what was going on. She started crying and said she had never had this problem before and that she didn’t know why she didn’t feel like being intimate with me anymore. I took her in my arms and we talked about it for a while. I felt really sorry for her, because I had not been aware that she felt that way and that this issue had been bothering her. She said she didn’t understand what it was and that it might just be a physical issue or something related to a change in her hormone levels (we had a little accident a few weeks earlier and she had to take the “morning-after” pill). She said it wasn’t that she didn’t want to have sex since she sometimes even masturbated during the day while I was at work. She said she thought that things would just change again and we left it at that. I gave her more space and things seemed back to normal after a few days. I didn’t worry about it anymore. Christmas came around and she went to visit her brother in England for two weeks. Before she left she handed me the sweetest Christmas card saying that “I meant the world to her” and that “she was the luckiest girl in the world to have me in her life”. I had tears in my eyes when I read her card and my feelings for her just intensified while she was gone. I felt like we would be together forever. She called me and e-mailed me from England and everything felt great. I picked her up from the airport on New Years day and we spent the next week together. During this week the same intimacy problems came up again and she shut down every one of my attempts to be physical with her. I got really frustrated with her one night when I just tried to kiss her and it seemed like she denied even my kiss. I thought she was stressed out over work and decided to just leave her apartment and go home. She called me the next morning and said we should talk. I expected her to explain to me that she just had a lot on her mind at the moment, but instead she broke up with me.

Please see her e-mail answering some of my questions after our talk below…

“My feelings for you are real- I am sorry if you feel betrayed, but I care about and feel very deeply for you. I have enjoyed the time we have spent together and would not change the way we have done things.
The problem I have struggled with is the intimacy, as you know. I wanted so desperately for things to be different, and I hoped that it would change eventually. However, it did not change for me. I know this is very important in a relationship and once I realized that I can't change, I knew I had to do something about it. We both have needs and I do not want to hold either of us back. I felt like I was cheating you because I wasn't giving you my all- it isn't me and it just isn't fair.
I meant everything I said- you are amazing and I have never met anyone like you before. Your feelings are not one-sided. It's just that there is something missing for me when it comes to the physical part of our relationship, which tells me that I care about you as a friend more than anything else. I do not want to continue to push you away, knowing that it would eventually impair our friendship.
Please know that you mean the world to me and I never meant to hurt you. I know that we will both deal with this in different ways, but that doesn't mean it is easy for me....”



We’ve been apart for a month now and haven’t talked for the last two weeks. I made every possible mistake one could make during a break-up and sent her flowers, e-mails, text messages, etc. asking her if she was sure about her decision. She openly talked to me at the beginning, but then got very cold all of a sudden and told me I had to move on. I decided to write her one last good-bye letter thanking her for the amazing time I got to spend with her. I haven’t heard from her since then. I think of her every minute and am asking myself if there is a chance that we might ever be able to get back together again at some point and that things might work in the long run. I thought that maybe we weren’t together at the right point in time. I read a lot on the internet over the last weeks and I must say I wasn’t even aware that intimacy issues were so common. I understand that the ability to be intimate with your partner is a very important foundation for a healthy long-term relationship and I believe that her intimacy issues might’ve been a result of her past relationships and other experiences. I think that she might change at some point in time though. A few years ago she was anorexic and from what she had told me it sounded like none of her previous relationships were built upon love. It really hurt me when she told me that she has never loved any of her former boyfriends although she had been in long term relationships all her life. Although she is a very, very attractive woman it seems like she is very concerned about her body. She works out for hours every day and gets worried if she isn’t able to go to the gym for a day. Sometimes it even felt like working out was more important to her than being with me. She talked about breast implants a few times and I always told her she had beautiful breast just the way they were. She was never as affectionate as I was, but she told me right when we met that she was sorry if she was a bit colder and less affectionate than other people. She said that unfortunately that’s just how she was and that it’s always been like that. I accepted that. Although she had those little flaws I learned to love everything about her. Although she might have had some issues in the past it felt like she was a very happy person now. Is there any way I could get her back after she already said she had intimacy issues with me? Is it possible that her feelings for me might change and that her intimacy problems might go away? I love her so much and understand if she needs her distance right now. To me it sounds like she has already made up her mind though since she thinks that we are not compatible. I know she cares a lot about me though and I don’t want to lose her forever if things might work out in the future. I’ve never met a person I connected so perfectly with and it seems like the intimacy issue is the only reason we split. What are your thoughts? Has anybody been through similar situations where they ended up getting back together with their ex and the relationship worked out? Thanks a lot for reading all this. I really appreciate your support!

[eidetz]

Thanks a lot for sharing your opinions and support. It's very helpful to read your posts and I hope they'll keep on coming. I'm also slowly starting to believe that maybe there was just no sexual chemistry for her. It just hurts that she told me I meant the world to her just two weeks prior to breaking up. She said she loved everything about me, found me very attractive, and that she wouldn't change a thing about me. Maybe some people are really just not sexually compatible. I wasn't even aware that she was having issues being intimate with me since I seriously believed that maybe the morning-after pill had screwed with her hormones. I also never questioned her being less affectionate since she told me she was like that from the beginning on. I learned to love everything about her. Maybe she does have some psychological issues (I believe that since she was anorexic at some point and that to me looks like something must've gone wrong at some point). - I think I was her first boyfriend who really treated her well and cared for her. Maybe that's why she started to see me more as a friend. Anyway, I've never developed such strong feelings for a girl before and it's just sad that life lets you connect with somebody on so many levels, but then doesn't allow you (or the other person) to give your all to the other person. I miss her so much...

[pcarsey]

I too am sorry you are going through this. I have to agree with mami1323, the relationship does seem like it will never happen. I have been in that position before and the thing was I really liked the time we spent together and thought that sex would make it complete, however, that was not so. I found a really great friend and that is what I was attracted to beyond anything else. I also had intimacy issues, and thought my life (or love life) was completely doomed. I read the book "The Seven Levels of Intimacy" by Matthew Kelly. It really taught me some important things, and now I must admit I look at all relationships with a different perspective.

Good Luck with everything. And pick up that book sometime, you might be surprised to discover where sex come in at in the seven levels.. :)

a little piece from the book:

The Sex Myth

Sex is not intimacy. It can be a part of intimacy, no question. But sex doesn't equal intimacy. It doesn't come with a guarantee of intimacy. Sex isn't absolutely necessary for intimacy. And yet, almost every reference to intimacy in modern popular culture is a reference to sex. If we are ever to truly experience intimacy, we must first move beyond the pubescent notion that sex and intimacy are synonymous.

[mami1323]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It seems you care for her so deeply.  Unfortunately, there is no reading between the lines with this situation.  I don't want to say, yes there is a chance when honestly, I don't think there is.  She is pretty blunt and honest in her email to you.  She's not telling you she has problems with intimacy, she's telling you that she's not able to be intimate with you.  She doesn't see you in that way.  There may be no chemistry on her side and since you were such a wonderful man to her and you treated her so great, she probably forced herself to be intimate with you in hopes that she could have a beautiful relationship with you.  But those things can't be forced, you either feel them or you don't.  She was brutally honest with you when she told you it was time for you to move on.  She doesn't want more with you and you pushing her turned her off.  Your love, dedication and admiration should be appreciated and if she couldn't then there will be a woman out there that will.  I think you need to accept the fact that this relationship won't ever happen so that you can move forward and move past this relationship or the hope that there will ever be a relationship.  I'm sorry if I sound harsh, that wasn't my intentions, I just don't want you hanging on to something that I feel will never happen.  Good luck, I know how hard it is to get over a relationship, especially when you thought it was going to be forever.