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Engaged and my fiancee is rushing wedding
I got engaged to the love of my life a month ago. We have been dating for almost 5 years now (met when we were sophomores in high school) and this is the woman I want to marry for sure. We live together and have talked about the future constantly throughout our relationship. We have kids names picked out, have talked about where we want to live, and have discussed where we want to live and what jobs we want to have. Living together has really stepped up the relationship to another level.
She has always pushed the future. For the longest time, she told me she would be happy if we just had a long engagement and get married after we graduated college. I agreed with getting married after college. Now that we are engaged, she has switched how she feels and has said that waiting 3 years to get married (the spring after we both graduate) and instead wants to get married in 1.5 years. I am not really comfortable getting married that soon and would much rather get married after we graduate. She always asks me why we should wait and says that we are both in love and want to get married so why not just do it?
I have began to give in a bit and have discussed doing it in 2 years so it would be before our final semester. This suggestion still is "too long" and this issue has caused a lot of stress and fighting. I don't understand why she cannot respect my opinion on this. She has had a very poor family life and has never had any real trustworthy friends in her life. She has had to struggle with a lot of insecurity issues throughout our relationship.
I love her with all of my heart and she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. What can I do to get her to at least open up to me since all she does is get angry when I try to dig deeper into why she feels the way she does. I want to marry her; I don't like this being such a rushed event when I think it will be a lot better after we are out of college and both have jobs and masters school worked out.
Thoughts?
She has always pushed the future. For the longest time, she told me she would be happy if we just had a long engagement and get married after we graduated college. I agreed with getting married after college. Now that we are engaged, she has switched how she feels and has said that waiting 3 years to get married (the spring after we both graduate) and instead wants to get married in 1.5 years. I am not really comfortable getting married that soon and would much rather get married after we graduate. She always asks me why we should wait and says that we are both in love and want to get married so why not just do it?
I have began to give in a bit and have discussed doing it in 2 years so it would be before our final semester. This suggestion still is "too long" and this issue has caused a lot of stress and fighting. I don't understand why she cannot respect my opinion on this. She has had a very poor family life and has never had any real trustworthy friends in her life. She has had to struggle with a lot of insecurity issues throughout our relationship.
I love her with all of my heart and she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. What can I do to get her to at least open up to me since all she does is get angry when I try to dig deeper into why she feels the way she does. I want to marry her; I don't like this being such a rushed event when I think it will be a lot better after we are out of college and both have jobs and masters school worked out.
Thoughts?
I agree with imanaddict, if you wanted to wait 3 years, you should've asked her to marry you three years from now. This way she wouldn't feel the way she feels. I've been engaged for 3 years and feel like it will never happen so I understand her feelings of doing now or never.
if you have been in a relationship for 5 years, i would say it is time to get married or get out luck jo
Okay, here is my thoughts...
If you didn't want to get married right away, the engagement should have been postponed. What's done is done though, so no need to really get into that, but just wanted to throw it out there. Most women literally dream of the day they get married. It's so exciting to plan a wedding and I'm guessing she is feeling the same way I did when I got engaged...on cloud 9. 1.5 years is (to me) pretty standard for most people to wait so they can save up for the big day. 3 years is pretty long IMO and I'm guessing she is so excited about it, she simply just wants to start planning the dream day. I don't think it's an unreasonable request, especially since you are already living as man and wife.
Try to have an open mind about it and try to see it from her perspective. She evidently loves you so very much and wants to seal the commitment. Nothing wrong with that, it could definitely be a lot worse! =)
If you didn't want to get married right away, the engagement should have been postponed. What's done is done though, so no need to really get into that, but just wanted to throw it out there. Most women literally dream of the day they get married. It's so exciting to plan a wedding and I'm guessing she is feeling the same way I did when I got engaged...on cloud 9. 1.5 years is (to me) pretty standard for most people to wait so they can save up for the big day. 3 years is pretty long IMO and I'm guessing she is so excited about it, she simply just wants to start planning the dream day. I don't think it's an unreasonable request, especially since you are already living as man and wife.
Try to have an open mind about it and try to see it from her perspective. She evidently loves you so very much and wants to seal the commitment. Nothing wrong with that, it could definitely be a lot worse! =)
I'm just curious, since you asked for thoughts--so this is what I'm wondering...
You've been dating for 5 years and living together for how long? I'm guessing you've been living together 2-3 years?
Are you living in your own apartment/rental house, or are you living with one of your sets of parents?
I take it you both are working either full or part time jobs and attending college either full or part time, right?
I guess what I'm wondering is along the same lines as your fiancee--why do you want to wait on marriage for three years, *especially* if you two are living in your own place, away from parents? What part of the marital committment is making you so uncertain?
My reason for wondering this is because I don't see how marriage in 1½ years will change your situation much at all.
Not only that, but if you are both in college, I'm assuming one or both of you are attending on student loans? If that's the case, if you were to get married, chances are that applying for financial aid (if needed) puts you in a better situation, because now you two are a "family," most likely on a combined income of less than $40K/year, so you potentially could qualify for pell grants. Therefore, when you graduate, the two of you don't have to worry about consolidating two separate 3-4 year student loan debts that'll probably be $30K or more (probably more), PLUS having to worry about affording a wedding straight out of college. Then add to that that one or both of you also want to attend masters school. Marriage will also most likely give you tax benefits that you don't get individually.
Now, I don't know your personal living situation or financial situations--so this is all based on my guess of how your lives are going.
However, if your personal lives and financial situation is entirely different from what I described here, then I guess I still don't see why you are so willing to wait on a marriage for another three years, when, as I said before, I can't see how your situation as it is now would change a whole lot if you do get married even next month, let alone a year and a half.
From a woman's point of view (and from one who's getting married next month), your fiancee most likely sees it like this: you're the love of her life, and you feel the same way about her. You're both adults, taking care of yourselves, and have a great future planned with lots of potential. You've gone through your "get to know each other" time and succeeded to the point where you are now, and both know you want a marriage. Perhaps when you both were only *thinking* about marriage, which may have been well over a year ago, you both were still "uncertain" about having a marital future together because you had yet to propose. So of course she would have "planned" for a long engagement, especially if she had been expecting you to propose a lot sooner than you did (trust me, she probably was...).
Now that you have proposed, she sees it as, she's put her time in for five years now, and you both have "played house" just as if you were married and it has worked out great for most likely well over a year. What you're living right now is literally an "informal" marriage. So in her mind, you both have what it takes to formalize it, make it legally permanent. She wants to take the last name of the man she loves, she wants to share her legal life (taxes, property, family relations, etc) with you to where it will be officially recognized by *everyone.* That also will provide her with the emotional security that you truly do want to commit YOUR life to her on the same level as she does to you, because right now, living together and engagement are just "for show." Legally, you are still considered two separate people with two separate lives, even though in reality, you're currently sharing together physically what two married people have.
I agree with the above poster that her idea of a 1½ year engagement is not "rushing into" a marriage. In fact, the average couple that gets engaged usually gets married between 1-1½ years later, as it takes about a year to plan a wedding.
Sorry, I guess I'm with your fiancee on this one--I just can't see how a marriage is going to drastically change your current situation, so why wait three years?
If you are really that uncomfortable and uncertain about it, why? Out of curiosity, how are you thinking this through, other than simply wanting to finish college first? I'm sure there's more to it for you than that...
What is it about having a marriage a little sooner rather than later that is making you so uneasy?
You've been dating for 5 years and living together for how long? I'm guessing you've been living together 2-3 years?
Are you living in your own apartment/rental house, or are you living with one of your sets of parents?
I take it you both are working either full or part time jobs and attending college either full or part time, right?
I guess what I'm wondering is along the same lines as your fiancee--why do you want to wait on marriage for three years, *especially* if you two are living in your own place, away from parents? What part of the marital committment is making you so uncertain?
My reason for wondering this is because I don't see how marriage in 1½ years will change your situation much at all.
Not only that, but if you are both in college, I'm assuming one or both of you are attending on student loans? If that's the case, if you were to get married, chances are that applying for financial aid (if needed) puts you in a better situation, because now you two are a "family," most likely on a combined income of less than $40K/year, so you potentially could qualify for pell grants. Therefore, when you graduate, the two of you don't have to worry about consolidating two separate 3-4 year student loan debts that'll probably be $30K or more (probably more), PLUS having to worry about affording a wedding straight out of college. Then add to that that one or both of you also want to attend masters school. Marriage will also most likely give you tax benefits that you don't get individually.
Now, I don't know your personal living situation or financial situations--so this is all based on my guess of how your lives are going.
However, if your personal lives and financial situation is entirely different from what I described here, then I guess I still don't see why you are so willing to wait on a marriage for another three years, when, as I said before, I can't see how your situation as it is now would change a whole lot if you do get married even next month, let alone a year and a half.
From a woman's point of view (and from one who's getting married next month), your fiancee most likely sees it like this: you're the love of her life, and you feel the same way about her. You're both adults, taking care of yourselves, and have a great future planned with lots of potential. You've gone through your "get to know each other" time and succeeded to the point where you are now, and both know you want a marriage. Perhaps when you both were only *thinking* about marriage, which may have been well over a year ago, you both were still "uncertain" about having a marital future together because you had yet to propose. So of course she would have "planned" for a long engagement, especially if she had been expecting you to propose a lot sooner than you did (trust me, she probably was...).
Now that you have proposed, she sees it as, she's put her time in for five years now, and you both have "played house" just as if you were married and it has worked out great for most likely well over a year. What you're living right now is literally an "informal" marriage. So in her mind, you both have what it takes to formalize it, make it legally permanent. She wants to take the last name of the man she loves, she wants to share her legal life (taxes, property, family relations, etc) with you to where it will be officially recognized by *everyone.* That also will provide her with the emotional security that you truly do want to commit YOUR life to her on the same level as she does to you, because right now, living together and engagement are just "for show." Legally, you are still considered two separate people with two separate lives, even though in reality, you're currently sharing together physically what two married people have.
I agree with the above poster that her idea of a 1½ year engagement is not "rushing into" a marriage. In fact, the average couple that gets engaged usually gets married between 1-1½ years later, as it takes about a year to plan a wedding.
Sorry, I guess I'm with your fiancee on this one--I just can't see how a marriage is going to drastically change your current situation, so why wait three years?
If you are really that uncomfortable and uncertain about it, why? Out of curiosity, how are you thinking this through, other than simply wanting to finish college first? I'm sure there's more to it for you than that...
What is it about having a marriage a little sooner rather than later that is making you so uneasy?
Maybe, she's decided that sooner is better than later since you have already been dating for 5 years. And, that living with you, now, has given her insights into true
marital bliss... so much so, that she's anxious to formalize a commitment with you in half the anticipated time. It's not a bad thing; but, I understand that it goes contrary to
a set time frame that was previously agreed upon.
Perhaps, you can form a compromise on the compromise? Business people negotiate like this all the time. She now says a year and a half. You went from 3 years to 2 years. Suggest a year and 9 months; and not a month sooner.
marital bliss... so much so, that she's anxious to formalize a commitment with you in half the anticipated time. It's not a bad thing; but, I understand that it goes contrary to
a set time frame that was previously agreed upon.
Perhaps, you can form a compromise on the compromise? Business people negotiate like this all the time. She now says a year and a half. You went from 3 years to 2 years. Suggest a year and 9 months; and not a month sooner.
1.5 year engagement is not really "rushing into it". maybe shes just very afraid of losing u cuz she loves u so much. the love of ur life cant wait to be married to you and to be with u forever and ur not happy about that?
does the marriage thing scare u? maybe shes just not scared at all and is 100% sure that you are who she wants to be with? in that case she sees it as u love her she loves u whats the point in waiting? and she gets upset when u bring it up cuz it sounds to her that u are not sure and thats why u want to wait.
explain to her that if u had graduated college already u would marry her tomorrow no questions asked. but cuz of college situation u want to wait a little.
good luck to u guys,
besides this little issue it sounds like u guys have a great thing going. ;)
does the marriage thing scare u? maybe shes just not scared at all and is 100% sure that you are who she wants to be with? in that case she sees it as u love her she loves u whats the point in waiting? and she gets upset when u bring it up cuz it sounds to her that u are not sure and thats why u want to wait.
explain to her that if u had graduated college already u would marry her tomorrow no questions asked. but cuz of college situation u want to wait a little.
good luck to u guys,
besides this little issue it sounds like u guys have a great thing going. ;)
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