Relationships Community
Lack of: sex, foreplay, afterplay, orgasm. what else can i say =(
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Lack of: sex, foreplay, afterplay, orgasm. what else can i say =(

So, im dating a guy thats 10 years older than me, im 19(20 in 2 months), hes 29. this is my longest relationship, on the 11th it will be our 1 year anniversary. but this is what im worried about... at first, he couldnt get enough sex, neither could i, we both loved sex... it would be nothing to do it two, three, four times a day when we were together... it started to dwindle a little bit, but it would be atleast once when we were together... we live an hour away from each other also, so its hard to find the places to do it at, but we always rent hotel rooms or drive to his place or we have even been natures buddy and found some outdoor places. here within the past 4 months, our sex life is nonexistant. we have sex maybe, and thats a big MAYBE once a month... we go back up to his place and we watch a recorded episode of House or CSI. we carve pumpkins for halloween, and the extra time is spent laying on the couch... which, dont get me wrong, i love just laying there with him... but im 19, i know his sexual peak has passed, but mine is right there... and will probably (hopefully) be there for another 20-30+ years... i waited until i was 18 and with someone i cared about before i had sex... after i had it, i wanted it... and i wanted it all the time... i enjoy it... and it just seems like he doesnt enjoy it anymore... he never initiates... i always have to start the whole process... and thats exactly what it is anymore... a process... my once multiple orgasms are, ha... well, they arent there anymore, im lucky to have one... foreplay is gone, afterplay is gone... its like the quickies we used to have while we were on the go at different places... i dont know what to do... i have several vibes, but thats not what i want... thats not what i enjoy... well, i enjoy it, but not as much as sex itself... and ive tried bringing this issue up several times, and nothing happens... he has a mild tick in his neck, it looks like he cracks his neck all the time, well it started to bother him, and his doctor put him on the lowest dose of high bloodpressure meds possible, saying that it would help it... now, im all for helping him get better or enjoy life more... but, high bloodpressure meds cause erection problems, and we already dont have sex as it is... i dont want to be celebate (sp) for the rest of my life, if i stay with him for the rest of my life... i love him, id stay with him whether there was sex or not... but id much rather there be sex... i dont know what to do... i dont know how to get him to initiate it anymore, i dont know how to make it more interesting for him... and i feel bad because it feels like he doesnt want me anymore... i just dont know what to do... so any comments would help...
Related Discussions
8 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
There's something not right about a man who's almost 30 dating a teenager.  

You don't see this now,  but at 30,  he should be worlds away,  mentally and in his life process,  than you are.  

Soon,  you'll grow up and he'll still be really immature.

Best wishes.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
hi sweetie, I'm guessing from what you wrote that you lost your virginity to him or that you have only been with a few people. what you were experiencing at the beginning of this relationship is commonly known as the honeymoon period. it's when you first start hanging out with a new partner and everything is like you call it perfect. you usually do have a lot of sex and frequently, but after awhile you just get comfortable with the person. it's not because he's no longer interested or anything.but he is older and he's also probably more tired then he use to be. I'm 22 and i have been with enough people to no this always happens, my current boyfriend and i were the same way at first and are actually the same way now.i can still get him all hot and bothered when i want to though, he just dose not last as long as he used to. i now that I'm ready to settle down with him because i don't care anymore. normally after it happened i would be ready to go find someone new because it was suddenly boring and i needed that butterfly feeling back. he may also be ready to settle down and stop acting like a young adult himself so if you really do love him and want to be with him i would just go with it. you could always keep things interesting for the both of you by experiencing with new things in the bedroom. slip into somthing sexey and take advantage of your youth. good luck
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
lol rockrose, it has been said that i am more mature than most people nearing 20. i dont drink, dont do drugs, im in school for the long haul of 8 years, if not more... i dated people my age... and i got hurt alot by them... i didnt want someone who drank or did drugs, i wanted someone experienced with the world... I got just what i wanted... and i love what i got... we knew going into this relationship that we would have people looking down on us just like you... we've now made it a year, and through this past year i have had most of my most memorable times in my 20(almost) years of life... so, im sorry you dont agree with it, but i dont think its him that needs to grow up and not be immature.

ANYWAYS,

danyaile, thanks for the comment, i have had 3 sexual partners... my first was two days after i turned 18, we had been dating for 6 months and a month later we broke up, i then dated another guy for 3 months and then three months later we broke up lol and then i waited for a few months with my current man and yeah, thats my sexual history lol i do get dressed up and he does get hot and bothered, but its still me initiating it... but i have outfits and lingere and he loves it, he also loves to use toys (on me) {not that i mind ;-) } he lasts longer than he did before, but i do think you are right about getting tired... he is a fairly big man, he is 5'10 and 240... im 5'3" and 130 lol i normally have more get up and go than he does, but that doesnt bother me... i know i want to settle down with him, i care though... not in a way that i would leave him for not having sex with me, but its kind of annoying to have such a high libido and no outlet for it lol we just put a bid down on a house... i hope it gets better after we are living together and are able to sleep together all night instead of me having to go home at some point... I really just needed to vent a little... thank you so much for taking the time to answer, its nice to have someone to talk to about this... keep in touch and thanks again for the comment =)
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
fariasgirl,  you don't have just what you want.  You wouldn't be writing this post if you had just what you want.

You have this guy,  and you're looking for help turning him into just what you want,  and that's not going to happen.  You can get angry and defensive at that message,  and at me,  but that's the way it is.  

You thought you had what you wanted but it turns out he was just play acting for awhile.

You can waste more years of your life with him if you want,  that''s your choice,  in the end it will turn out the same.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
It almost sounds like he is getting tired of you.  He may have been having a good time at first but now it's over for him.  Sorry I'm not trying to be mean just want to be honest with how it sounds.  

It's not really normal for a 30 yr old guy to not want to have sex unless there is something going on like high blood pressure or a lot of stress. Even with stress a guy will usually want to use sex as a stress release.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
teko, we are having sex, its just once or twice a month, and i like the idea of having it four or five times a week. I actually turned him down for sex tonight, and he initiated it, but i havent been feeling well and have a hida scan scheduled for tomorrow morning... there are plenty of studies that show the sexual peak for a man is between the ages of 16 and 26.

when i first started to get sick 4 months ago i turned him down alot... i also agreed to have sex several times and felt sick before either of us reached orgasm. I dont know whether he is trying to be safe and not hurt me more than i hurt already, or if there is something wrong. Like i said, he is taking high bloodpressure medication for a tick. i dont know whether he has tried to get an erection and couldnt and doesnt want to tell me about it, or like i stated above, he doesnt want to make me feel worse...  we have also been in the process of finding and purchasing a house, which we are moving into the first week in december... so it could all be just what he says, lack of time/places...

what i wanted to know from my first post is, is it normal to have alot of sex at first and then dwindle down alot. my best friend had the same problem with her man, but she also cheated on him several times... so, i didnt want comments like OMG he's 30 and your 20, thats not right, blah blah blah... i dont want to "change" him... thats not what the post was about... i would have posted a topic of "whats your thoughts of age differences" not, "lack of:...."  So, instead of commenting on the age difference, how about commenting on the actual topic... which, if you actually read the whole thing, and not just stopped at sex and 20/30 you would have been able to see that my concern was the dwindling of sex from our lives, considering all of the internal and external stress...

so, thanks, but no thanks to all of you who mentioned the age... thats not whats important to me...
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
No, it's not normal for a 30 yr old man to not want to have sex.   My ex-hubby was 4 yrs older than me, and his is 30's wanted sex  morning & night - we had been together over 7 yrs so the relationship was not new.  Even when we were seperated, he still wanted "dates".  After I divorced him, I dated a guy for a couple of years who was 40, and one time we had sex 5 times in 24 hrs. Most times when we had sex, it was at twice in one evening.   My current man is 51 and once again, his sex drive is higher than mine.  Men use sex to relieve stress, get close to their women, when they are happy, sad, it's sort of a cure all for them.  Don't know where you read that men peak at 16 - 24.  All I know is that I would rather have a guy in his 30's or older because by then they know how to please a women.  When they are 20, it's all about them getting off.

I think something else is going on with your bf - either he is pulling away, has realized you're not the one, you're annoying him,  or he has someone else on the side.  I have to say that you sound very immature and it sounds like you are making excuses for him. Good luck with this relationship.
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
Okay,  we'll just discuss the symptom,  and not the problem.    You can treat this like it's the entire problem,  but you won't get anywhere in solving it if you think the whole problem is that now he only wants to have sex once a month.  

So.  The answer is,  no that's not normal for a 30 year old man to do that.  It's normal to start off having a LOT of sex and then dwindle to a normal amount,  like 4 times a week.  

In your last post it seems  you're trying as hard as you can to decide this is normal,  coming up with scenarios where this is fine.

Refusing to look at the big pcture will get you nowhere,  except delay your leaving for several more years.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I disagree with the above people but that's not uncommon.  I read some of the most ignorant **** in this particular forum.  I stay out for a long time and then pop in hoping for the best but am always disappointed.  You would be wiser to speak to a counselor or find a different site.  

Yes, it is common for a man of 30 who is under stress to lose interest in sex.  You are sick, he is concerned.  You are getting ready to buy a house.  All types of stresses there.  High blood pressure does cause problems with erections and can cause loss of desire.  If he's on anti-depressants, that can cause loss of desire.  These women love to say he just doesn't want you.  Read the threads.  It's a common theme.  If they don't like the smallest thing about your situation, I'm guessing yours is the age difference, it's all over.  I don't believe you sound immature at all.  You did the bitties going though, congrats.  

My suggestion would be to try couples counseling if he will go.  I had three miscarriages over a three year span.  I finally had a baby this year.  During that time, up until two months ago, my husband and I probably had sex maybe 15 times.  Once I got pregnant and I knew I wasn't going to lose the baby, it was over a year.  We've both had our times where we don't want anything to do with it.  It of course makes the other feel bad but neither of us loved eachother less.  We were just consumed elsewhere.  We are back to having sex 4 to 5 times a week.  It's up and down which MOST (I'm capitalizing most so the bitties don't throw in their two cents, although I'm sure they will) couples go through.  It's normal.

Unlike the above women, I hope the relationship does work out for you if it's meant to be.  Good luck.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
it's me again, i do not agree with most of the other comments either. my boyfriend is turning 26 in April and we currently do not live together. he dose love having sex but we barely have time for it anymore. there is a lot of stress going on in our lives to,he works two jobs, we just had a baby two months ago, he's taking on my two other children. stress definitely has a lot to do weather male or female on a sex drive. i do not feel that your man is getting tired of you expecially if your looking at houses and trying to plan your future together. you have only been together for a year he may not be completely comfortable discussing some of his feelings with you, just be patient. i wish you the best.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Thanks guys... i know some people ***** just to *****, and i figured thats what they were doing... ive had enough trouble from my parents (at first) and other peers about the age difference. Ive delt with about all that can be thrown my way =) atleast in that area... i found out today that i do need surgery... my doctor told me to eat nothing but jello and NOTHING with fat for a few days to get my gallbladder to relax and not cause so much pain... he then drove an hour and fifteen minutes to bring me jello, cause i found out at work, i didnt have time to pick any up... he brought me jello and roses, left it on my seat, parked across the street and waited for me to come out... i also laughed my *** off at watching him play frogger as he ran across the street lol... Ive asked for couples counceling once, he said okay, but i never pursued it... right now, im going to wait until after my surgery... see if it gets better as i get better and go from there...
Im glad to hear that you both have had children... especially hea... congrats to both of you... also, thank you very much for ignorning the age difference, when the others didnt... you two have def. brought a smile to my face tonight and i appreciate every kind word...

xx Erica- =)
Blank
177641_tn?1189759437
I agree with teko. If age was not an issue, why did you prioritize mentioning it over your illness? It sounds serious if surgery is required - are you getting your gallbladder removed? How is sex that much more important than your physical well being?

It sounds like you're too focussed on the hype of the "perfect relationship". Focus on your life and your well-being (rather than multiple orgasms). If your partner is bringing you jello and roses because you are ill, then why is *phenomenal sex* taking precedence? From your story it seems pretty self-explanatory why the amazing sex is not happening right now.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
i didnt realize for a while that my illness was serious... at first, it felt like an upset stomach once a week, if that... then it got to a feeling of heartburn a few times a week... then it went to nausea and heartburn/pain in upper right side stomach area... and i finally went to the doctor... they JUST found out and told me yesterday(11/14/07) that i needed surgery... yes, my gallbladder is being removed, i meet with the surgeon on the 28th to decide how i want to do all of this... its taken them two months to figure out that i have gallbladder problems, and i have been in mild/moderate pain for atleast 4 months... I have IBS, i contributed some of the pain to that... i figured, hey, im eating at mexican and japanese restaurants more often, thats indigestion waiting to happen... i didnt think about the fact that it might be because he sees me sick all the time, that he would want to not have sex with me, and make me hurt more... like alot of the other women said, men want sex all the time... i just didnt think that unlike most guys, i had one that would rather me feel good than have sex with me
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Maybe his weight is a factor? From his height/weight you gave before his BMI shows that he is obese, this could affect his sex drive.

I don't think it would be because you are sick because if he can see you are interested in having sex,  (e.g - when you initiate it?) why would he worry about hurting you?

Normally a 29 year old guy either wants a lot, or at least regular sex (over once a week)  - so I think you are right to be concerned (as your first post indicates) and you should find out whats going on.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I'm fine with the age difference.  When  I was 21, I was dating a 30 yr old.  When I was 24, I was dating a 42 yr old.  His son was 3 yrs younger than me.  Age is not a factor in your problem here.  I've just never heard of a guy not wanting sex with a woman who was willing and able unless he was gay (closeted) or had another girl on the side.

Blank
177641_tn?1189759437
"i just didnt think that unlike most guys, i had one that would rather me feel good than have sex with me"

fariasgirl, this statement says a lot about what you believe about men. Any man (or other person for that matter) who REALLY cares about you will want your health and wellbeing to come first. Anyone who wants sex before that is not worth your time. If I were you I'd re-think what my expectations from men are (and maybe set them substantially higher). Good luck.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I would try to ask him about it ~honestly~ BEFORE you move in together. Before I was married I was in a relationship witha man 11 years older than me & I have some medical problems & trust me he wanted it lol esp if I started it he was all over it. I would just ask him to see whats going on. Don't give him ideas either don't say "did you turn me down because you were concerned about me" or anything let him tell you. Communication is very important in any type of serious relationship & you need to be able to talk to him about it.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I havent tried to initiate anything for a long time. Most of the time when we are together, Im sick. Or we are out. When we are out, im feeling -okay- mainly because we arent eating. but as soon as i eat or drink something that has even a microgram of fat my stomach starts killing me. Im starting to feel unwanted because he hasnt initiated much, so i dont try to start anything. It had been 3 weeks from when we last had sex, until he started to fool around with me the other night. I try my best when we do fool around to not make a big deal out of me feeling sick. but when i get quiet and feel like im going to throw up, i dont act like i normally do when im having sex, he notices and stops and asks me if im okay... He will then just lay beside me, get me a glass of water. depends on where we are as to what he does... there have been times when we were in the shower and i felt ill and i managed to stimulate him to the point of him getting off. He finishes, i normally have multiple orgasms, so i probably had already had one or two, but, not what im used to. I have asked him about it. He tells me that when we are down where i live, we have nowhere to go to have sex. and when we are up where he lives, we dont have time or i feel sick. which, all three things are true.  We used to do it all the time down here where i live. Outside, in the car, in the woods, hotels, etc. but when it starts getting cold and wet and the leaves fall off the trees, you only have the hotel to work with. THat starts adding up. 80 bucks here, 65 there. we both have good jobs, but have other expenses too. He says he wants it, bad. but he doesnt really show that. he said that the first day i dont ask him to pull the car over cause i feel like im going to puke, or  stop after a few bites of a meal, he would jump me. he says it just hasnt happened like that yet.

I dont spend the night at his house. I dont stay out past 3am. most of our time spent together is down where i live. if we go out for a day he normally comes down and picks me up (1h 15m drive one way) and takes me wherever we want to go. then he goes home at night. He is a great guy. I love him to death. I just want our sex life back. or atleast some of it back. once a week would be enough for me (i would hope=)

Also, even though i am new at the whole long term relationship thing. I have had alot of boyfriends. lasting most was 10 months, least was 2. I never had sex with them. until i was 18 that is. ive fooled around with 5 guys. slept with 3 of those 5 and am still with the 3rd guy i slept with. Of the 5 guys i fooled around with, 3 cheated. of the boyfriends ive had... 4 havent cheated on me. The first guy i fooled around with fooled around with 8 other girls. how did i find out -> one girl was one of my best friends. For most of my dating life, ive dated guys that put sex or sexual acts before ANYTHING else. Most the guys where i live rely on drinking and drugs. they also like to blame those two things for cheating. i have a general view of guys that makes me untrusting and i think that most of them are jerks. It took me a long time to find a good one. now we arent having much sex, and i just want to figure out why.
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
fariasgirl - I think you need to sit down for about an hour,  with a piece of paper,  and fold the paper in half.  On the left half,  write "My concerns",  and on the right half write "What I want to have happen".

This last post is completely and totally different from your first post.     Readers digest version,  your first post said you are madly in love and you used to have sex all the time and now he doesn't want it - you have to initiate it if you ever have it,  which is about once a month.  This last post,  you're quite ill and have been for a long time and when he wants to have sex it's very hard for you not to become physically ill because of your physical condition.     The last time you had sex you did manage to get through it without becoming physically ill.  

You really are having a hard time characterizing your problem.  It seems to me,  your problem is you have been sick for quite awhile,  and you want to feel better so you will enjoy normal sex again.  Is that it,  in a nutshell?  All the details about him not wanting you,  etc., seem off-track.  You're ill,  it's hard for you to enjoy sex because of that,  it seems.

Blank
177641_tn?1189759437
fariasgirl, you aren't having sex because you are SERIOUSLY ILL. Most guys I know would NOT find it attractive if their sick girlfriend put sex before health. It shows how little self-worth you have, and that your self-confidence is very low. Sorry if this is harsh, but NO ONE who respects themselves would sexually please their partner at any cost (even above their physical well-being). Sex does not equal love. If your boyfriend doesn't have sex with you while you are sick, it does NOT mean he doesn't love you. No offense, but you sound like any teenager I've known before - your concept of *love* needs a lot of work. Love is about a lot more than sex and expressing it by having sex.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
the last time we had sex i asked if we could get a hotel... i guess my poor use of words on the "initiating" part... I asked to get a hotel... no, i didnt make it through the last time without being sick. we had sex... i got sick.. started to feel better... started playing around again and started feeling sick... Also, not to be snippy or anything... but why cant i just enjoy sex to enjoy sex... when im feeling good, what is so wrong about having an illness, yet having sex JUST to enjoy sex? Im not putting it before my health... we have stopped before when i am sick... but what says that i have to stop having sex for a certain period of time while im sick or i have very little self worth and self confidence. Just because i love to have sex, doesnt mean thats the only way i show love... like i said, i love just laying there with him, cooking food together, carving pumpkins etc. but i still want sex. not because i feel like im not loved because of the lack of it, but because i love it.. not because i think thats the only way to show my love for him, but because i know he loves it just as much as i do...

At first i tried to initiate it alot... i would rub him in the car on our way up to his apartment.. i would play with his nipples, which he loves... he would get hard and seem so into it, but when we got back to his apartment, nothing would happen... or like i stated in my first post, we would carve pumpkins and watch CSI or NCIS... when i started doing that other times, he would get a pissy tone and tell me that he didnt want me doing that when there were other cars around... ive told him i wanted sex, that im horny, ive done the whole dirty talk thing that he normally likes, (and still responds to) but it didnt get me anywhere... i dont keep track of the days that im sick... i try to push those days to the back of my head to never be remembered again... maybe i was sick and he noticed it, and i dont remember... but what i do remember is those days, i felt like i was being turned down for sex... because i tried to start something and it never got finished... nearly 4 weeks ago i asked to get a hotel... that was the last time i initiated anything... the last time we were up at his apartment, he started to fool around with me... we werent able to have sex because of time issues...

Its hard for me to enjoy sex after i eat or drink anything... in about 20-30 minutes after food, my stomach is in pain for about 2 hrs... its not that i want to feel better to enjoy sex... i want to feel better Period... i have IBS also, i am supposed to eat 5 small meals and i dont enjoy feeling sick for about 10 hrs out of my day... my "concern" is, i want to have sex... im not getting sex... yes i am sick, but on days i feel okay, what is still stopping him from initiating... it gets boring to have to ask or start it yourself... I like him initiating sex... i want him to do it more often... why did he before, and not now? is it because im sick... does he have someone else on the side (i dont think so though) does he have erection problems now, and doesnt want to tell me? has he been having alot of stress, does he not want me physically anymore? I know that some of those questions can only be answered by asking him... but, i have... he said its because of time, lack of places to do it and me being sick, *as the main one*... but i still want sex lol... so i guess i want to know what to do to get him to initiate more often? and just to specifiy... i will tell someone when im sick...so im not going to go have sex when im sick, i enjoy sex... i dont want to push having sex while im sick... it will eventually become a bad thing if i associated the two things together (aka, if i have sex ill feel sick) i dont like that idea.
Also, i brought an old volleyball injury back to life last night. I had torn a ligament in my knee in volleyball about 5 years ago, it acts up every once in a while, but last night i was wearing heels, as i am only 5'3" and i ruin many pairs of pants without wearing heels, i was on my way to squat down to look at something on the bottom shelf at walmart, my knee let out a huge POP and i was stuck... so im hobbling around, up and down the stairs to my room, my school, my boyfriends apartment... def. not good for being on top or other sexual positions that may be interesting...

Just to let people know, also... the first time we had sex, we were in bed all day, except to go to eat... we had sex 6 times and between those 6 times, i learned how good a toy could be... I have a male friend who has sex once every 8 months... 8MONTHS!!! they have a freaking schedule for sex... i dont want to end up like that... and thats what im worried about... i dont want it to get that bad, so i guess, like i said, i want more sex and i want him to initiate it more... is that wrong to want? and how do you go about telling your man, who obviously loves you and wants you to feel good etc etc., that he needs to initate sex more... without seeming like you are complaining about him?
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
Sep 18 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
1268057_tn?1399131913
Blank
Londres70
France
3149845_tn?1386354841
Blank
Life360
fort lauderdale, FL
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA
3605625_tn?1385021148
Blank
thirdtimemum
Australia