Aa
MY Ex
i started to go over my ex bf house to see him, we have a child togeather. He asks me over sometimes but i can't go because i can't leave my 12 year old alone at our house. he doesn't know i moved out of my parents home because he would get mad, he thinks he would be paying my rent because he gives me 350 a month for child support, which is getting old, it is not enough and he makes way more money then me. should i just blow him off. he won't come see the baby unless i take him down there and he will go two weeks with out seeing him he says i can drive down there just as he can drive to me. do you guys think he is avoiding having me take him to court. i was going to go but backed down, i guess it is really hard to break away he tells me he is going to drop ryans insurance and quit his job he says all these things and it scares me into not taking him to court he says take what you can get.
Yes, men generally DO make more money than women. I've seen it at every company I ever worked at because I had access to the the numbers. In every case, a woman with equal experience and education (or even more) was paid a great deal less than a man in the same position. This site has plenty of stats for your perusal:
http://www.womensmedia.com/new/Lips-Hilary-gender-wage-gap.shtml
Sam, why don't you start a separate thread that deals with father's rights? (By the way, I agree with much of what you have to say on that question.) IMO, this thread has turned into an argument and gotten too far away from the original poster's questions.
http://www.womensmedia.com/new/Lips-Hilary-gender-wage-gap.shtml
Sam, why don't you start a separate thread that deals with father's rights? (By the way, I agree with much of what you have to say on that question.) IMO, this thread has turned into an argument and gotten too far away from the original poster's questions.
Do you know any recent statsitics about income? I was under the impression that the original quote was a MEAN rather than a median statistic. Which if true show thw stats including people like bill gates as part of the average instead of the exception to the norm.
If you have a source for that stat that is recent can you send it to me direct? The stat that I could find was a quote from a book that quoted another book etc all the way back to a person who made the statisitic up rather than used verifiable sources.
The truth is the greater number of professionals are women, in America at least, and when Men and Women are faced with the same charges men are most likely to to be fined, jailed etc...
The only part that I see is still a man's world is if you go to a used car lot wanting to buy a car.
Other than children and men are usually both the losers in custody battles since an abusive mom is more likely to get custody than an attentive father.
If you have a source for that stat that is recent can you send it to me direct? The stat that I could find was a quote from a book that quoted another book etc all the way back to a person who made the statisitic up rather than used verifiable sources.
The truth is the greater number of professionals are women, in America at least, and when Men and Women are faced with the same charges men are most likely to to be fined, jailed etc...
The only part that I see is still a man's world is if you go to a used car lot wanting to buy a car.
Other than children and men are usually both the losers in custody battles since an abusive mom is more likely to get custody than an attentive father.
I hope AJH84`s comments will find their way into the archives as a reminder of the sacrifices and struggles single parenting under best intentions brings with it.
Careers are stalled, financial security gone for good, sickness or job loss not permitted, emotional, physical and mental strength required at all times, providing male and female role models, making conscious decisions for the child under any circumstances. It takes a well grounded person to do all that. And ideally it takes the other parent to remain in the picture to some degree.
I wish it was trendier to discuss fathers` involvement than fathers` rights to make new dads learn how to bond with and care for their young. To teach new moms how to let a new dad be a dad at the proper time and how to grow into parenthood together. This could avoid single parenthood altogether. No more overwhelmed fathers drowning themselves in work, video games, alcohol, affairs. Then again, there are hopeless situations when drugs are involved or abusive behavior - and it will always be safer for a child to live in a separate home.
To any non-custodial dad out there who wonders what his ex is doing with his precious 147.-$, get more involved and you will get a feel for the challenges. And if she doesn`t let you be involved, think very hard why.
Careers are stalled, financial security gone for good, sickness or job loss not permitted, emotional, physical and mental strength required at all times, providing male and female role models, making conscious decisions for the child under any circumstances. It takes a well grounded person to do all that. And ideally it takes the other parent to remain in the picture to some degree.
I wish it was trendier to discuss fathers` involvement than fathers` rights to make new dads learn how to bond with and care for their young. To teach new moms how to let a new dad be a dad at the proper time and how to grow into parenthood together. This could avoid single parenthood altogether. No more overwhelmed fathers drowning themselves in work, video games, alcohol, affairs. Then again, there are hopeless situations when drugs are involved or abusive behavior - and it will always be safer for a child to live in a separate home.
To any non-custodial dad out there who wonders what his ex is doing with his precious 147.-$, get more involved and you will get a feel for the challenges. And if she doesn`t let you be involved, think very hard why.
Okay, I have a clearer understanding of what you're saying now.
To address your last point, I would not consider my results a failure but also say they haven't yet reached success.
I don't know, maybe you can help me see this from a father's perspective, because for 4 years, I've tried desperately to do everything right.
Here's my case in a nutshell.
I met and dated my son's father for 5 years before I got pregnant. My ex recently admitted to me that he "thinks" he got me pregnant on purpose. I'm at fault too; sex resulting in pregnancy takes two, but I at least tried to be responsible.
He's had problems with drug/alcohol abuse and anger management issues the whole time I've known him (except he now claims he's become a Christian and given all that up literally overnight). He's a high-school dropout and has an expunged juvenile record, which kept him from joining the military as he wanted to do. Every branch told him to get 15 college credits to recruit him. He decided to go for a 4 year degree to go in as an officer; he has one year left until graduation.
While I was preg, he and his family wanted me to drop out of college and join the military so he could end up with support and college education benefits on my GI bill, and he would care for the newborn while I went to boot camp after the baby was born (keep in mind, he has on/off again drug/alcohol and anger management issues). His family became set against me when I refused--they went on the ultimate defensive against me and telling my ex things like get me to marry him immediately or get a lawyer for a custody battle, and we hadn't even broken up yet!
He was in a fragile emotional state and of course took his family's side, so he was screaming/cussing at me and cutting down my family or crying and begging to help him make things work. He began displaying stalking behaviors and threatening suicide. I attempted a separation from him (which he took as a break-up) and he got even worse. That's how I ended up with a restraining order, recommended by the cops after I called them the 3rd time because he showed up unexpectedly while I was home alone and was threatening to kill himself and screaming at me to let him in the house. I wound up in the hospital the next week with a severe anxiety attack.
With the RO, he was unable to be there for the birth, which set him off even more. But I contacted him when our son was a month old and said forget the RO, you should be able to see your son. He filed for paternity when our son was 3 months, and visitation and CS were issued (and my mom and I requested that his CS be decreased from the original order of $300/month, because we wanted him to have a better head start financially for school--however we didn't expect it to be cut to $147/month). He agreed that I should have full custody and declined joint custody.
I let him see his son basically whenever he wanted to. After a while we got back together were living together for a few months. But as always, his anger and substance abuse got in the way. We got together, lived together, and broke up a total of 3 times in the last 3 years. This last time I broke it off completely, mainly because his anger problems were becoming directed at our son as well as myself.
However, I still let him see his son practically whenever he wanted to. On average, he'd see our son about 4 times a week, anywhere from 1-9 hours at a time.
His sore spot is still child support, though. I asked him multiple times over 3 years to voluntarily increase it, as $147/month was a week of daycare and that was it. Occasionally he would give a little more. But his excuse for maintaining $147/month is it's all he can afford, yet he won't work full time while going to school full time because "that's just too much for him to handle." Yet I know SO many people who do this and handle it just fine. Knowing him for 8 years, I know he can handle it too, he just doesn't want to because it would interfere with his video games and hanging out with his friends (at least before he became a "Christian").
I went through DHR to get CS moderated because I know otherwise he's always going to have an excuse to not pay a fair amount.
Well, he of course was mad that I got DHR involved and thinks I'm trying to ruin his financial life. Then he moved back to our home state, 1500 miles from AL.
He tells me he appreciates that I've done everything possible to let him stay involved, but then turns around and says things like I'm trying to put him in financial ruin.
So at what point am I responsible for creating "scorched earth," as you call it? I'd like to know from your experienced perspective, because I guess I just look like a single mom trying to ruin the ex's life as a father and get his money, advising others to do the same. In reality, it just irritates me to hear of other women going through the same thing, and knowing that the few good moms out there are just trying to get by from day to day, *trying* do everything right, and hope that we don't get burned in the process. You say many fathers get burned in battling for their rights, but so do many, many good mothers who are trying to protect their kids and still do right by the fathers.
So would you say the way I've handled my case has resulted in failure? Or that I did anything "wrong?" Am I wrong for being so fed up with his behaviors that I have no sympathy for him anymore? I've done everything I can to keep him involved and still do (he will even testify to this), even with his potentially hazardous issues; all I'm asking in return is for financial fairness.
To address your last point, I would not consider my results a failure but also say they haven't yet reached success.
I don't know, maybe you can help me see this from a father's perspective, because for 4 years, I've tried desperately to do everything right.
Here's my case in a nutshell.
I met and dated my son's father for 5 years before I got pregnant. My ex recently admitted to me that he "thinks" he got me pregnant on purpose. I'm at fault too; sex resulting in pregnancy takes two, but I at least tried to be responsible.
He's had problems with drug/alcohol abuse and anger management issues the whole time I've known him (except he now claims he's become a Christian and given all that up literally overnight). He's a high-school dropout and has an expunged juvenile record, which kept him from joining the military as he wanted to do. Every branch told him to get 15 college credits to recruit him. He decided to go for a 4 year degree to go in as an officer; he has one year left until graduation.
While I was preg, he and his family wanted me to drop out of college and join the military so he could end up with support and college education benefits on my GI bill, and he would care for the newborn while I went to boot camp after the baby was born (keep in mind, he has on/off again drug/alcohol and anger management issues). His family became set against me when I refused--they went on the ultimate defensive against me and telling my ex things like get me to marry him immediately or get a lawyer for a custody battle, and we hadn't even broken up yet!
He was in a fragile emotional state and of course took his family's side, so he was screaming/cussing at me and cutting down my family or crying and begging to help him make things work. He began displaying stalking behaviors and threatening suicide. I attempted a separation from him (which he took as a break-up) and he got even worse. That's how I ended up with a restraining order, recommended by the cops after I called them the 3rd time because he showed up unexpectedly while I was home alone and was threatening to kill himself and screaming at me to let him in the house. I wound up in the hospital the next week with a severe anxiety attack.
With the RO, he was unable to be there for the birth, which set him off even more. But I contacted him when our son was a month old and said forget the RO, you should be able to see your son. He filed for paternity when our son was 3 months, and visitation and CS were issued (and my mom and I requested that his CS be decreased from the original order of $300/month, because we wanted him to have a better head start financially for school--however we didn't expect it to be cut to $147/month). He agreed that I should have full custody and declined joint custody.
I let him see his son basically whenever he wanted to. After a while we got back together were living together for a few months. But as always, his anger and substance abuse got in the way. We got together, lived together, and broke up a total of 3 times in the last 3 years. This last time I broke it off completely, mainly because his anger problems were becoming directed at our son as well as myself.
However, I still let him see his son practically whenever he wanted to. On average, he'd see our son about 4 times a week, anywhere from 1-9 hours at a time.
His sore spot is still child support, though. I asked him multiple times over 3 years to voluntarily increase it, as $147/month was a week of daycare and that was it. Occasionally he would give a little more. But his excuse for maintaining $147/month is it's all he can afford, yet he won't work full time while going to school full time because "that's just too much for him to handle." Yet I know SO many people who do this and handle it just fine. Knowing him for 8 years, I know he can handle it too, he just doesn't want to because it would interfere with his video games and hanging out with his friends (at least before he became a "Christian").
I went through DHR to get CS moderated because I know otherwise he's always going to have an excuse to not pay a fair amount.
Well, he of course was mad that I got DHR involved and thinks I'm trying to ruin his financial life. Then he moved back to our home state, 1500 miles from AL.
He tells me he appreciates that I've done everything possible to let him stay involved, but then turns around and says things like I'm trying to put him in financial ruin.
So at what point am I responsible for creating "scorched earth," as you call it? I'd like to know from your experienced perspective, because I guess I just look like a single mom trying to ruin the ex's life as a father and get his money, advising others to do the same. In reality, it just irritates me to hear of other women going through the same thing, and knowing that the few good moms out there are just trying to get by from day to day, *trying* do everything right, and hope that we don't get burned in the process. You say many fathers get burned in battling for their rights, but so do many, many good mothers who are trying to protect their kids and still do right by the fathers.
So would you say the way I've handled my case has resulted in failure? Or that I did anything "wrong?" Am I wrong for being so fed up with his behaviors that I have no sympathy for him anymore? I've done everything I can to keep him involved and still do (he will even testify to this), even with his potentially hazardous issues; all I'm asking in return is for financial fairness.
First of all I you do have some resentment and you don't care about the historical facts so I don't know where you expect me to go from there.
Yes I am a parent, and I have seen children horribly used. Hell I am even acting as parent for teenage niece who has pretty much been abandoned all of her life and have taken in "strays". from time to time.
And yes I would dearly love it if child support was paid, but it isn't.
Will the strategies that you list work? Possibly. However from your own words they didn't work for you. I don't know why in your case it escalated to such warfare and I do like you (it's why we are on each others friend lists) so I will grant you respect and not hazard a guess. I do know that the make 'em work at seeing the kid, through the courts means that the father will look for every single opportunity that he can to have the child removed from her custody, while the other way the long term results are that she may have an ally who might ***** and moan but will probably be at her side trying to help for the "sake of the child".
Scorched earth is good for combat but not long term cooperation.
As for myself? I help run several small sites for children's rights, grandparents rights, and yes, fathers rights.
Quite honestly though I also have a small background in social work, procedural law, and in custody law
Would looking at the legal ways of doing the same thing you request in a more painless manner, requesting a court appointed mediator, and negotiating to set up less painful ways of getting exactly what you are telling her be better? I would thinks so.
Flex spending, some input in decisions (even the appearance by controlling the choices offered), alternate on who claims the child on taxes each year, etc. would help.
She wants to minimize his interaction with him? Write up what the child has done since the last visit, set it up so that she drops the child off, and he brings the child back etc.. and then when the child is dropped off, she leaves!
All of these things would help her more than the scorched earth policy that you seem to readily to jump to.
Lastly do you consider the results that you got a success? If so I understand you telling people to do likewise. But you don't sound like you do. Why then are you telling others to emulate you?
Yes I am a parent, and I have seen children horribly used. Hell I am even acting as parent for teenage niece who has pretty much been abandoned all of her life and have taken in "strays". from time to time.
And yes I would dearly love it if child support was paid, but it isn't.
Will the strategies that you list work? Possibly. However from your own words they didn't work for you. I don't know why in your case it escalated to such warfare and I do like you (it's why we are on each others friend lists) so I will grant you respect and not hazard a guess. I do know that the make 'em work at seeing the kid, through the courts means that the father will look for every single opportunity that he can to have the child removed from her custody, while the other way the long term results are that she may have an ally who might ***** and moan but will probably be at her side trying to help for the "sake of the child".
Scorched earth is good for combat but not long term cooperation.
As for myself? I help run several small sites for children's rights, grandparents rights, and yes, fathers rights.
Quite honestly though I also have a small background in social work, procedural law, and in custody law
Would looking at the legal ways of doing the same thing you request in a more painless manner, requesting a court appointed mediator, and negotiating to set up less painful ways of getting exactly what you are telling her be better? I would thinks so.
Flex spending, some input in decisions (even the appearance by controlling the choices offered), alternate on who claims the child on taxes each year, etc. would help.
She wants to minimize his interaction with him? Write up what the child has done since the last visit, set it up so that she drops the child off, and he brings the child back etc.. and then when the child is dropped off, she leaves!
All of these things would help her more than the scorched earth policy that you seem to readily to jump to.
Lastly do you consider the results that you got a success? If so I understand you telling people to do likewise. But you don't sound like you do. Why then are you telling others to emulate you?
"Is he using you for sex?" Why are you still having sex with this guy? Your relationship with him as anything but as an interested party who shares a child with him, and ideally down the road as a friend should be over.
Why is this "we are not togeather and he wants to have sex with me. my thing is that he is using me for sex and trying not to pay me any more money ?????????????????"
Why is this "we are not togeather and he wants to have sex with me. my thing is that he is using me for sex and trying not to pay me any more money ?????????????????"
I agree with you more often than not. However if he quits his job for reasons of mental health etc. requests his child support to be reduced or requests an abatement chances are good in many states that he might actually get it.
Realistically unless someone is being completely gutted and left out to dry by an ex cooperation can eventually kick in and they can start working together. Also the possibility of finding ways to make the whole thing less painful if possible could maybe be considered? ie. If the ex has flex spending have some of the child support at the beginning of the fiscal year done as flex spending daycare. That way his taxable income decreases child care is taken care of and the feeling of contribution and helping with the child care takes place.
Little things like this focuses things more on getting both parents to cooperate. When both parents feel like they are contributing to the child's care things work out better overall. Plus in this situation both the woman and the man can have more of a feeling that it is less about their previous relationship and more about them both being focused on the care of a child.
Realistically unless someone is being completely gutted and left out to dry by an ex cooperation can eventually kick in and they can start working together. Also the possibility of finding ways to make the whole thing less painful if possible could maybe be considered? ie. If the ex has flex spending have some of the child support at the beginning of the fiscal year done as flex spending daycare. That way his taxable income decreases child care is taken care of and the feeling of contribution and helping with the child care takes place.
Little things like this focuses things more on getting both parents to cooperate. When both parents feel like they are contributing to the child's care things work out better overall. Plus in this situation both the woman and the man can have more of a feeling that it is less about their previous relationship and more about them both being focused on the care of a child.
Oh and one other thing concerning your eighth point, considering it's directed at kris123. I've followed her issues for the last year, and as far as I know, she's gone from living with her mother with her 12 year old daughter and infant son to getting a place of her own. She also is attending college along with working a full time job to support her kids and her new home.
So I would hardly call her concerns with her ex "griping." She's the one who is doing everything right and her ex is taking advantage of anything he thinks he can get away with.
I know you say that online you only get one side of the story. But let me tell you, I know that kris123 is worthy of my trust and support.
So I would hardly call her concerns with her ex "griping." She's the one who is doing everything right and her ex is taking advantage of anything he thinks he can get away with.
I know you say that online you only get one side of the story. But let me tell you, I know that kris123 is worthy of my trust and support.
You and I will never fully agree on whatever issues come up involving child support and father's rights. But here's the thing (and I think I pointed this out awhile back)--I am all for fathers being involved in their child's life and being unhindered in doing so as much as possible. I am also for the father being held accountable for his responsibilities to the child. Involvement and responsiblilities go together in parenting.
If you didn't notice, in my post I did not say anywhere, or even imply, that she should cut the guy out. I said she should meet him somewhere in public if he's willing to do that too. Also, I never implied that she was entitled to anything, but that her son was, so I voided out your third point.
And I'm just curious. Are you a parent? Are you defensive of all the fathers out there, including the deadbeats and the abusive ones to maintain visitation (which is fine; everyone deserves a defense), because you're one of the fathers whose been "cut out?" If so, I can see where your defensiveness comes from, and I respect that. But if not, then I'm having a hard time understanding your extreme defensiveness that is based solely on books, stats, and posts like this that rile you up. Each situation is different. And if you think all dad's have a "right" to be in their child's life, even without having to pay child support, even if they are abusive or deadbeats, I don't believe any "stats." Sorry, I just don't.
I am personally going through such a situation. I have kept and continue to keep all communication and visitation open between my ex and my son. I do nothing to stand in the way of that, because like you, I'm all for father's rights for the child's benefit. But my ex decided to move thousands of miles away from his son (I'll never know why), and when he was close by, he was inconsistant in communication and visitation alot of the time (excluding when I had a restraining order against him). Then before he left, he made all the visits he could with his son, and I let him; but then he moved away and has contacted his son only twice in nearly three months.
What benefit is my son getting from this, according to your "stats?" His hopes and emotional bond with his father were built up, only to be crushed, and he doesn't even understand why. So please, answer that question for me--I'd honestly like to know your response on my personal situation, based on your book-study and stats, on the emotional long-term benefit my son is getting from his father's actions.
All I can say is I'm doing all the work, being here to support him financially, educate him, and help him develop and understand his emotions. And all his father cares about is finishing his college education in the state "where he feels happy" and having a job "that's compatable with his schedule." Sorry, but from where I stand, he's just plain selfish, reluctant to make any sacrifices and step up to the plate to be a true father to his son. But I'm not cutting him out or anything--he's doing that part on his own, and I'm not going to stand in the way of that either; I'm not here to live his responsibilities and make his priorities for him. I have my own life to live.
I have no shame in how I'm handling my case for my son. I've always encouraged his father to be in his son's life. However, I made him pursue his own visitation and paternal rights, as I had no reason to do it for him and I wouldn't do it for anyone else either. I believe that's forcing a situation on someone unwilling to be a parent. I was ready to accept all responsibilities of parenting had he decided not to pursue his rights. But when he got his legal rights, all he did for 2 years was gripe about paying child support, saying I was "taking his money." His perspective on child support has changed very little.
So yes, I harbor a slight resentment to men and women, fathers and mothers, who feel entitled to their "rights," but make complaints and threats over child support, and at the same time think that everything should be on their terms--visitation times and locations, when child support should be paid, and the relationship with their ex.
And lastly, since your post was addressed to me personally, I'm taking your eighth point personally. I do like how much I get paid and never complain about it. I'm a technical writer and a college graduate with a BA degree in communications. I get paid WAY more than my ex, yet I'm still living paycheck to paycheck (I don't get paid THAT much at entry level) providing a home, education, insurance, transportation, utilities, food, clothing, and entertainment for my son. I do this with pleasure and without complaint, but I still feel that my ex needs to put forth his share financially in raising his son, which is a value quite a bit higher than $147/month. If I didn't have my family to fall back on for the next few years while I get my career established, if anything happened to me financially that would break me, both my son and I would have no home and no way to get ahead financially for a very long time.
So forget me being involved in the picture for a minute--how is that risk fair to my son? I'm doing my part, undeniably. So why is it fair for his father to put his son in this risk when he could make the sacrifices in his own life to provide a little more for his son if he REALLY wanted to?
And one last point--why are you singling me out when you know I support father's rights? The post was about the ex threatening to not pay child support and wanting his ex GF to do all the work in giving him what he wanted, what he felt "entitled" to. Yes, she is doing an honorable thing in taking her child to see him, but how is she benefitting from it? Mother's rights count too, you know. And as I pointed out, I never told her to stop all visitation; read it again if you need to. Also, what are you trying to say, Sam--that her ex should not have to be taken to court to pay a rightful and fair amount of child support? If that's what you're saying, then it's you who should be ashamed.
If you didn't notice, in my post I did not say anywhere, or even imply, that she should cut the guy out. I said she should meet him somewhere in public if he's willing to do that too. Also, I never implied that she was entitled to anything, but that her son was, so I voided out your third point.
And I'm just curious. Are you a parent? Are you defensive of all the fathers out there, including the deadbeats and the abusive ones to maintain visitation (which is fine; everyone deserves a defense), because you're one of the fathers whose been "cut out?" If so, I can see where your defensiveness comes from, and I respect that. But if not, then I'm having a hard time understanding your extreme defensiveness that is based solely on books, stats, and posts like this that rile you up. Each situation is different. And if you think all dad's have a "right" to be in their child's life, even without having to pay child support, even if they are abusive or deadbeats, I don't believe any "stats." Sorry, I just don't.
I am personally going through such a situation. I have kept and continue to keep all communication and visitation open between my ex and my son. I do nothing to stand in the way of that, because like you, I'm all for father's rights for the child's benefit. But my ex decided to move thousands of miles away from his son (I'll never know why), and when he was close by, he was inconsistant in communication and visitation alot of the time (excluding when I had a restraining order against him). Then before he left, he made all the visits he could with his son, and I let him; but then he moved away and has contacted his son only twice in nearly three months.
What benefit is my son getting from this, according to your "stats?" His hopes and emotional bond with his father were built up, only to be crushed, and he doesn't even understand why. So please, answer that question for me--I'd honestly like to know your response on my personal situation, based on your book-study and stats, on the emotional long-term benefit my son is getting from his father's actions.
All I can say is I'm doing all the work, being here to support him financially, educate him, and help him develop and understand his emotions. And all his father cares about is finishing his college education in the state "where he feels happy" and having a job "that's compatable with his schedule." Sorry, but from where I stand, he's just plain selfish, reluctant to make any sacrifices and step up to the plate to be a true father to his son. But I'm not cutting him out or anything--he's doing that part on his own, and I'm not going to stand in the way of that either; I'm not here to live his responsibilities and make his priorities for him. I have my own life to live.
I have no shame in how I'm handling my case for my son. I've always encouraged his father to be in his son's life. However, I made him pursue his own visitation and paternal rights, as I had no reason to do it for him and I wouldn't do it for anyone else either. I believe that's forcing a situation on someone unwilling to be a parent. I was ready to accept all responsibilities of parenting had he decided not to pursue his rights. But when he got his legal rights, all he did for 2 years was gripe about paying child support, saying I was "taking his money." His perspective on child support has changed very little.
So yes, I harbor a slight resentment to men and women, fathers and mothers, who feel entitled to their "rights," but make complaints and threats over child support, and at the same time think that everything should be on their terms--visitation times and locations, when child support should be paid, and the relationship with their ex.
And lastly, since your post was addressed to me personally, I'm taking your eighth point personally. I do like how much I get paid and never complain about it. I'm a technical writer and a college graduate with a BA degree in communications. I get paid WAY more than my ex, yet I'm still living paycheck to paycheck (I don't get paid THAT much at entry level) providing a home, education, insurance, transportation, utilities, food, clothing, and entertainment for my son. I do this with pleasure and without complaint, but I still feel that my ex needs to put forth his share financially in raising his son, which is a value quite a bit higher than $147/month. If I didn't have my family to fall back on for the next few years while I get my career established, if anything happened to me financially that would break me, both my son and I would have no home and no way to get ahead financially for a very long time.
So forget me being involved in the picture for a minute--how is that risk fair to my son? I'm doing my part, undeniably. So why is it fair for his father to put his son in this risk when he could make the sacrifices in his own life to provide a little more for his son if he REALLY wanted to?
And one last point--why are you singling me out when you know I support father's rights? The post was about the ex threatening to not pay child support and wanting his ex GF to do all the work in giving him what he wanted, what he felt "entitled" to. Yes, she is doing an honorable thing in taking her child to see him, but how is she benefitting from it? Mother's rights count too, you know. And as I pointed out, I never told her to stop all visitation; read it again if you need to. Also, what are you trying to say, Sam--that her ex should not have to be taken to court to pay a rightful and fair amount of child support? If that's what you're saying, then it's you who should be ashamed.
First of all It's a very decent thing that she is taking her son to see his father.
Second of all child support in most states is based of of the net income not the gross.
Third of all. Kristy is not entitled to anything. Her son is.
fourth. Look up the stats on sons who do not have a father involved somewhat in their life and then compare them to the one where the father is involved. They generally do a lot better in life.
fifth. For the more mercenary vampiric, pehrana like members of the groups. Fathers who are involved in their kids lives more are more likely to do little extras that benefit the child and the mother economically that are not even court ordered!
Look it up! Apparently fathers can actually come to love there kids enough so that they will do as much as they can when they can.
sixth. Children need both parents, they do better in life when this happens. Men are more likely to compromise to make sure this happens while statistically 80% percent of women are more likel to want to cut the other parent out of the childs life except for the wallet despite the affect it has on the rest of the child's entire life.
Some of you should be ashamed!
If anyone wants the sources for statistics I'll post the sources but some of you guys should be hanging your heads in shame.
Seventh: Sex do it or don't! That's your choice and should have nothing to do with your son.
Eight: You don't like how much you get paid? Why don't you get paid as much as your ex? Quit griping and get the same education etc. that he has. God knows there are enough programs out there.
Second of all child support in most states is based of of the net income not the gross.
Third of all. Kristy is not entitled to anything. Her son is.
fourth. Look up the stats on sons who do not have a father involved somewhat in their life and then compare them to the one where the father is involved. They generally do a lot better in life.
fifth. For the more mercenary vampiric, pehrana like members of the groups. Fathers who are involved in their kids lives more are more likely to do little extras that benefit the child and the mother economically that are not even court ordered!
Look it up! Apparently fathers can actually come to love there kids enough so that they will do as much as they can when they can.
sixth. Children need both parents, they do better in life when this happens. Men are more likely to compromise to make sure this happens while statistically 80% percent of women are more likel to want to cut the other parent out of the childs life except for the wallet despite the affect it has on the rest of the child's entire life.
Some of you should be ashamed!
If anyone wants the sources for statistics I'll post the sources but some of you guys should be hanging your heads in shame.
Seventh: Sex do it or don't! That's your choice and should have nothing to do with your son.
Eight: You don't like how much you get paid? Why don't you get paid as much as your ex? Quit griping and get the same education etc. that he has. God knows there are enough programs out there.
tell the judge at court that he threatens to quit his job. maybe they will threaten him with jail time
Yes, he said he would quit his job. I am just so tired and mad you know. i have a court appt this week so we will go fromt there.
kris he is still saying he will quit his job?? how will he support himself? he is an a.ss and you need to first NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM and second take him to court. if he wont see your child by coming to you, then so be it. you need to stop doing what he wants , that is what he is counting on.
hey your lucky you get anything i get nothing!!!! take him to court at least it gets garnish and he is held accountable for that the rest of his life if he doesnt pay, so if he decides to no pay you ever, when he dies you are intitiled to his property to settle what he owes. Dont let this guy manipulate you. My ex did that to me and me taking him to court was the best thing that ever happened. He never bothered me again and he chose not to be in his daughters life if he could have me.
I don't know what my ex makes or what kind of job he has (or if he even has one). All I know is that he's a full time college student in his Junior year.
However, legally he should be paying a *minimum* of about $400/month, according to online child support calculators.
Realistically, if we were to split the finacial obligation to our son right down the middle, he'd need to pay a minimum of about $600/month.
I calculated this in a spreadsheet with nearly accurate estimates of what my son needs financially: home, utilities, food, transportation, daycare, clothing, health insurance, dental insurance, vision insurance, and entertainment/recreation. I divided everything in half (to separate my needs from his) then divided that sum in half again to figure what his father should realistically contribute for his needs, appoximately.
As of right now, the $147/month he pays covers 12% of his son's complete financial needs. I cover the other 88% entirely on my own--no family help or government aid anymore as of the last year and a half.
However, legally he should be paying a *minimum* of about $400/month, according to online child support calculators.
Realistically, if we were to split the finacial obligation to our son right down the middle, he'd need to pay a minimum of about $600/month.
I calculated this in a spreadsheet with nearly accurate estimates of what my son needs financially: home, utilities, food, transportation, daycare, clothing, health insurance, dental insurance, vision insurance, and entertainment/recreation. I divided everything in half (to separate my needs from his) then divided that sum in half again to figure what his father should realistically contribute for his needs, appoximately.
As of right now, the $147/month he pays covers 12% of his son's complete financial needs. I cover the other 88% entirely on my own--no family help or government aid anymore as of the last year and a half.
I worked it up and he supposed to pay about 700 a month does your ex make a lot of money craig make about 23 and hour and i make 20
Gosh, I wish I could get $350 a month from my ex. My ex only pays me $147/month, legally! Hopefully my case will mandate that amount or higher when it's heard in March.
Don't feel bad if this is hard for you. I'm going through the same thing right now, and it is hard, because you have to force yourself not to feel sorry for expecting your child's father to be financially responsible along with you. Weird. How is it that these jerks still manange to play our sympathies?
Just be strong and follow through. And keep repeating this to yourself: This money is to help you support your son. This money is for your son. You are not "taking" this guy's money and living lavishly. Your son deserves this money, and it's your job to make sure he gets it.
Don't feel bad if this is hard for you. I'm going through the same thing right now, and it is hard, because you have to force yourself not to feel sorry for expecting your child's father to be financially responsible along with you. Weird. How is it that these jerks still manange to play our sympathies?
Just be strong and follow through. And keep repeating this to yourself: This money is to help you support your son. This money is for your son. You are not "taking" this guy's money and living lavishly. Your son deserves this money, and it's your job to make sure he gets it.
he is a jerko - i guess letting go is the hardest - it has to do with my self esteem issues otherwise i would have done it. it is the final break from him - i stopped hanging with my old friends because they were getting into drugs and with two kids i can't have that no where around me so i have really no one but that's ok i love my son and daughter my son keeps me so busy and he is so so cute :-)
I know that it sounds harsh but yes, you do need to take him to court. I know he won't see it this way but it actually protects him as well. I actually suggested this to a guy I know who is currently going through a divorce. If he has the money directly withdrawn from his check there is no way to question whether he is supporting his child and you should ask the court to have it so he pays child support until your child is 18yrs old or they complete college. The court usually mandates that the father pay for insurance, I'm not quite sure why. But definatly yes, go through with the court. And its probably not the best idea to continue to sleep with him if you're not in a relationship and he's acting like a jerk.
Best of luck!!!!
~S.A.
Best of luck!!!!
~S.A.
I just called and set up an intake appt for court. If I go through division of child support they do all the work for me and it is faster and then take it out of his check they can take his license i got the paper work filled out - should i do that it is in the car, for some reason it is hard for me to do it, but i have to he makes over 700 a week compared tomy 500 and he get 5 hours overtime to add to the 700. WTF - only 350 i get more for my 12 year old i know once i do it it is the end and he will not see ryan until he clams down
If he thinks he'll be "paying your rent," SO WHAT?! What are you supposed to do, not provide a home and shelter for your son--his son?!
News flash to the jerk, but paying for a home and shelter is part of parental responsibility for PROVIDING for a child, and if he has to provide that part of his child's financial support so you can provide the rest, the tough cookies if he doesn't like it!
I'd tell him that you got your own house, and if he gets mad, that's his problem. There's nothing he can do about it.
And you should not have to be driving all over the place for his convenience for him to see his son. If he wants to see Ryan, and he cares enough to see him, then he'd work WITH you to make that happen. He wouldn't be demanding you to give him *his* way for *his* convenience if he truly cared about being a father! Being a parent means you're gonna have to make sacrifices and inconvenience yourself sometimes, and be willing to accept that.
Why are you taking Ryan to go see him anyway? Is it court-ordered visitation, or is it his "demand" that he gets to see "his" son, so *you* should make that happen for him? Obviously, he doesn't care about seeing Ryan if he can go two or more weeks because he doesn't want to go out of his way to make a drive! So why are you bothering?
I wouldn't even go over to his place if I were you. I'd demand that he meet you somewhere public, like a mall or park, so that way you both have to make the effort to get there.
Take him to court and don't back out of it again, Kris. He's got you under his control so badly, it's not even funny--the butthead even has the nerve to request sex from you!
If he quits his job, then the state will go after him for child support. If he can't provide income for his son, the IRS will take it out of his tax returns, he'll accrue backpayments and interest on the backpayments. If he doesn't pay, a warrant goes out for his arrest. If he so much as get pulled over for running a stop sign anywhere in the US, he'll be thrown in jail for not paying child support. You think he's gonna risk his job to live as a child support fugitive? Come on! He's bluffing, and you're falling for it.
And if he drops Ryan from his insurance, I'm sure yours will cover him, and if not, you'll probably qualify for Medicaid or something like that.
Toughen up and stop letting this jerk intimidate you and run your life. He only can if you let him. Have no pity on him. He has a son with you and he needs to be held responsible.
News flash to the jerk, but paying for a home and shelter is part of parental responsibility for PROVIDING for a child, and if he has to provide that part of his child's financial support so you can provide the rest, the tough cookies if he doesn't like it!
I'd tell him that you got your own house, and if he gets mad, that's his problem. There's nothing he can do about it.
And you should not have to be driving all over the place for his convenience for him to see his son. If he wants to see Ryan, and he cares enough to see him, then he'd work WITH you to make that happen. He wouldn't be demanding you to give him *his* way for *his* convenience if he truly cared about being a father! Being a parent means you're gonna have to make sacrifices and inconvenience yourself sometimes, and be willing to accept that.
Why are you taking Ryan to go see him anyway? Is it court-ordered visitation, or is it his "demand" that he gets to see "his" son, so *you* should make that happen for him? Obviously, he doesn't care about seeing Ryan if he can go two or more weeks because he doesn't want to go out of his way to make a drive! So why are you bothering?
I wouldn't even go over to his place if I were you. I'd demand that he meet you somewhere public, like a mall or park, so that way you both have to make the effort to get there.
Take him to court and don't back out of it again, Kris. He's got you under his control so badly, it's not even funny--the butthead even has the nerve to request sex from you!
If he quits his job, then the state will go after him for child support. If he can't provide income for his son, the IRS will take it out of his tax returns, he'll accrue backpayments and interest on the backpayments. If he doesn't pay, a warrant goes out for his arrest. If he so much as get pulled over for running a stop sign anywhere in the US, he'll be thrown in jail for not paying child support. You think he's gonna risk his job to live as a child support fugitive? Come on! He's bluffing, and you're falling for it.
And if he drops Ryan from his insurance, I'm sure yours will cover him, and if not, you'll probably qualify for Medicaid or something like that.
Toughen up and stop letting this jerk intimidate you and run your life. He only can if you let him. Have no pity on him. He has a son with you and he needs to be held responsible.
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