the girl I'm seeing has been abused, pushes me away

[tunafish99]

I'll try not to waffle so it might seem strange if i post this in a rather matter-of-fact manner but I'm just trying to keep it from being long winded. So here goes.

Basically I was seeing a lovely girl 2 years ago for a few months, a brilliant relationship and I had never cared for someone so much. Then she randomly freaked out and broke it off. Soon after she moved to america to study.

This christmas I found out she was back in the country and met up for a coffee, which eventually led to us rekindling our romance, I booked out a hotel room and after a great evening we were lying in bed together and she told me the reason why she freaked out and why she could be in odd moods sometimes was that she had been sexually abused when she was younger multiple times by her mother. Also she had been raped while she was in america as well, also she hasn't spoken to her family in 6 months and wasn't even living with them when she returned back to the UK, she's living with a friend. So understandably she was in a bad way. She told her Dad who didn't believe her. I thanked her for telling me this and she said that I was the only one who knew about it.

Afterwards I returned to where I live (she lives down south, I'm up north) and we carried on our rekindled relationship as normal but suddenly after a couple of weeks she started ignoring me, blanking me. This was the same thing she did when she ended it last time so I was worried that it was going to happen again. Eventually I was able to get in contact with her and she explained that she was scared of a relationship, she said she loves me and that Im the only person who's ever genuinely cared for her properly, she wants to make it work, but she feels I shouldn't have to deal with her issues and that she's a mess. I assured her that she isn't something I have to deal with but someone I want to be with, and that I loved her as well. We are still talking now and again but sometimes she just pushes me away and completely ignores me most of the time but sometimes she can chat with me and we laugh together like we normally used to do. Im going down south again in 2 days to see her but I get horrible anxiety myself and this is an extremely stressful and confusing position that I've never found myself in, granted she has it much MUCH worse than me but I just need advice on how to help her, and how to support her. I get really angry sometimes when I feel like I'm being pushed away but then I feel a great sense of shame and guilt for doing so, because I know she's in a very very bad place. But it's frustrating when I'm being told she cares for me more than she's ever cared for anyone yet Im the one who she feels she can't talk to.

[Londres70]

If you are choosing to stick by her through this it would be ideal that you encourage her to seek therapy ASAP.  You just being by her side isn't going to be enough.

[tunafish99]

She had been in America, she has no money at the moment since being back in the UK so Im pretty sure she hasn't seen one here yet.

[Londres70]

Tunafish, you never mentioned therapy.  Is she in therapy?

[tunafish99]

Fair enough, I do see your meaning and I do take it on board.

But! If it was any other girl and there weren't these issues I'd have been lone gone by now, trust me I've hooked up with girls, one minute they love you, the next minute they're driving you mental and I could never be arsed to deal with it. But its a girl that, when we are together, we always have the greatest time. If all this stuff hadn't happened to her I would just think she was trying to mess me about and I would be just like ''well **** this'' and move on to the next person, but the girl has been abused sexually, couple that with massive family issues, that will affect someone psychologically quite a lot. More than one occasion, and once face to face I've asked if she wants to carry on the relationship, and she has said yes, so I will be patient for now. I will see how it pans out and I will do the best I can do. But I won't let it carry on forever, I appreciate the advice and I know i've got to look out for myself first. :)

[RockRose]

Well,  I didn't call her a dishwasher.  ;D  I think choosing a partner,  actually,  is a lot like the process of choosing a car.  The partner thing is MUCH more important,  of course,  but there are similarities.  

You first go with your gut.  What do you want?  "I LOVE that car,  it's exactly what I've been looking for in a car".  Then, you look into it carefully,  test drive it,  ask around for other's opinions,  spend some time considering whether it's great for you,  and then you buy or walk away.

She has,  in fact,  told you up front that she doesn't want a relationship and she's demonstrated that by treating you badly.

This is your life,  tunafish.  I think you're being foolish to think that just because you "promised" you'd be with this woman that you aren't responsible for,  and who isn't an appropriate partner,  you owe her to be there.  I know you believe that makes you sound mature and responsible,  but really it shows you are squandering time.  The stuff of which life is made.

Best wishes.

[tunafish99]

Haha, I understand your meaning, but I think it sounds a bit heartless to try and compare a person to a machine. Everyone has defects and flaws, I understand she's got deeper issues than the average person might have. But I promised her I'd stick by her through this crap she's going through, unless I was told up front that she doesn't want a relationship, and that she didn't have feelings for me, I wouldn't have carried on with it. But I was told the opposite, and I don't break promises ever.

I know that your comment comes from a place of good meaning and you're trying to help, but I have to disagree with you on that one :)

[RockRose]

Would you purposely choose to buy a car that you knew was damaged?

Probably not.  This woman is damaged,  and you know it.  

Keep walking.  Fine a whole woman to be your partner.  Honestly and truly,  the best decision you can make in life is to choose the best partner.  Choosing the best partner,  truly using your brain,  will make your life rich and special.  She isn't it.    She's a fixer upper.  Pass on this one.

[tunafish99]

I met up with her again a few days ago, and we did talk things through, meeting up again on friday. Even her friends had said she has been very distant and evasive sometimes, I bumped into a really good friend of hers and she had barely spoken to her she had been back in the country. So I know it's not just me who's the only person she's close with and pushing away.

I guess the thing is this is something I've never experienced before, and normally when we were originally in a relationship I'd be fairly chilled out, I never ever do the white knight stuff, you just end up being a doormat for people haha.
But seriously the whole scenario does scare me, and worries me so taking a step back has been hard, but Im trying.

When we met up one of the things we did speak about was the relationship, I asked her straight up if she wanted a relationship, and she did say yes, but she said that I don't understand how hard it's going to be, she seems to think that the issues she has will be too much for me and I won't be able to handle her. The family issues she's having right now (she's trying to establish some sort of discourse with them) obviously are a massive weight on her, and I know she needs to focus on those, because she has no money, no job and technically no proper home as she's just staying with an old boss of hers.

believe me, the niggling paranoia at the back of my mind has sometimes come forward and made me think that she's lying, but honestly the story she told was too detailed and long that there's no way she's made it up, it was no tall tale, believe me. But it's terrible though that you've met people who've lied about that stuff.

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with the above posters.

I agree completely about just believing everything she is telling you.  I knew a FEW girls in HS and college that were exactly like this.....they were fickle, and kind of not willing to fully commit to one guy, and they told some pretty tall tales....one told the guy she was dating one night that her dad raped her.  Now, this was a pretty good friend of mine, I had hung out with her and her family.  There was just no way this was even remotely true.

I called her out on it later, and she told me that 1.  she was drunk and seeking drama (sick isn't it?)...2. she liked the attention and sympathy, and 3. it gives her an "out" if she doesn't want to continue the relationship.

So, just proceed very very cautiously.  I agree that you should take a step back yourself.  If these things truly DID happen to her, she needs a LOT of help, and like already mentioned, you cannot "love" her better.  If it's NOT true, well, then, run for the hills, because that's just a mess.

Tell her that you care about her and want her to get well....that she needs to work on her for a while.  Either way, whether she's making up stories, or whether this all really happened, she's not in a place where she can contribute to a relationship.  

If she's making stuff up, most likely you'll see a BIG change in her when YOU take a step back.  All of a sudden, you may see her putting forth all KINDS of effort, which, IMO, would be another red flag.  

I hope you figure it out....don't lose yourself in this girl and her issues.  You sound like a very nice, sweet guy...don't get hung up on that white knight stuff.  

[Londres70]

Is she in therapy?  Has she ever sought therapy?  If not, I would encourage her to seek therapy ASAP because she isn't in a good place.

If therapy was never sought or isn't going to be sought then this relationship will probably never work.  

The odds are stacked against you that this will work between you two.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I totally agree with AnnieBrooke

You state this "relationship" was only "rekindled" during Christmas time

That's less than one month ago !!  I would not call this a "relationship" and I would not say anything has been "rekindled".

You also referred to it as a "romance" - now that's a better word.  At this stage it has only been a romance - relationship and love come much later, with much time and learning - of, from, and for, one another.

Give this time, be patient and see where it goes.  If She has problems You must give Her time and space to resolve them.  She doesn't need to complicate Her life with a "relationship" right now and You shouldn't seek a relationship with SomeOne who has not resolved Her issues.  This I know is true.

GoodLuck

[AnnieBrooke]

I think in your shoes I would stop trying so hard.  First, you don't even know how true the story is.  She might be on-again off-again for other reasons.  Second, I would believe her when she says she is a mess, and simply back off.  Tell her that you care for her a great deal, but you understand she has to do things herself and get her own help or it won't stick.

If it is true that she is a sexual abuse survivor and a rape survivor, she needs more help than you can give her.  Love alone will not cure her, she needs therapy and probably to bring criminal charges.  You can be there for her if she is doing that, but you can't make her do that.  It's her call.

I don't think I would automatically believe every story she tells you, but I would not say to her that you don't believe her, since if it is true that would be very painful for her to hear.  That doesn't mean you are obliged to continue in a relationship where you try and try and she sometimes says yes and sometimes says no.  Even she has to understand that she needs to be more stable to have a good relationship with someone.