My boyfriend's son is ruining our relationship

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have been living together for about 9 months. My boyfriend has a 10 year old son of whom he has 50% custody every other week. I have tried everything to be nice to this child, but nothing is ever good enough. The son lives with my boyfriend's parents, and always has. My boyfriend had never had the responsibility of being a parent full time---only when its convenient for him. I recently purchased a home in my name (my boyfriend has horrible credit) in the town that his son lives in. The plan was for the son to start staying with us more often, instead of the grandparents, but so far he hasn't stayed one night because I always make up excuses such as being sick so that he won't come over. My boyfriend REFUSES to discipline him. He allows him to do things that drive me CRAZY. The child is 10 and acts like he is 4 or 5. I honestly think he may have ADHD, but my boyfriend becomes so angry with me when I bring it up, that I've just started keeping my feelings to myself. The child rolls around on the floor, jumps on the couch, eats and wipes his dirty hands all over the wall. He constantly goes in and out, in and out, leaving the door open. He becomes bored with whatever he is doing after 5 minutes and is constant need of being entertained. The list of annoying things is neverending. I've told my boyfriend how nervous this behavior makes me and his response is "thats just the way he is". The child has no respect for adults and is very rude to me. My boyfriend laughs everytime this happens. He recently told me that his son is #1 in his life and that I will always come second. I don't think I will ever get over this. He lets the son do as he pleases, and expects me to just deal with it instead of compromising and meeting in the middle. Should I end this before I invest anymore into this relationship?

[RockRose]

Yes.  I think you should end the relationship.  

Your boyfriend has bis priorities straight,  and maybe in 18 years when the boy is an adult your boyfriend will be ready to date.

[althepal39]

You sound like you have no experience with kids.  Tha'ts what they do!  They go in and out - they want to be entertained, they get bored, they jump on things.  This is not ADD.  It's called being a kid.  You were once one believe it or not!   Maybe you still are because you sound very young - you need to get out of this relationship and grow up.  

[momagain59]

Do the boy a favor and get out of the relationship with his Dad. Yes, he should expect his son to respect you but you really sound as if you do not respect him. It's sounds as if you can not stand this child and therefore I feel sorry for you. If you do not accept his son, you might as well move on.

[Gwen07]

It sounds like you have a very difficult situation.  You mentioned the son has been living with your boyfriends parents and always has - this in its self can have a large impact on the childs behaviour.  Imagine being passed on from one care giver to another, each having different ways of parenting and handling situations.  The son is most likely getting so many different mixed messages.  One cannot expect a child of such a young age to be a perfect well behaved child.  Behaviour is learned, esp by example esp from loved ones and role models.  I feel deeply sorry for this child as it seems he probably has no stability in his life.  
You mention that you make excuses for his son not to stay over.  You must be terribly angry and frustrated but in reality you are denying your boyfriend and his son a chance to bond and form a deeper relationship.  I think this is what the son needs.  Perhaps his behaviour would improve in time.  Perhaps he needs to be loved and appreciated.  Being a parent is not easy.  It's a huge responsibility.  Being a step parent is even more difficult.  You would have to first accept the child, be able to love him regardless of his unacceptable behaviour.
It sounds like your boyfriend has lost respect for you (he probably resents the fact that you dont accept his son yet) and you have lost respect for him too as you are not his no.1.  If you aren't truly committed to both relationships then I suggest you end the relationship as any negativity and resentment towards each other will fall onto the child and affect his behaviour even more.

Good luck.

[hashadit]

Thanks for your advice Gwen.
I realize that I sounded like I do not care about the child, but I do. Very much so.
I agree that the child has no stability. I'm committed to this relationship and to making things better. My most important point that I've tried to discuss with my boyfriend countless times is exactly this. There is no structure. The child is allowed to makes all the calls. I tried making a schedule of when he would be with us to create some stability for him. Obviously, he has always been so close with the grandparents, has his own room at their house, etc., he is going to want to be with them 2 or 3 days of his week with his dad. I can't imagine having to live between 2 homes, much less THREE! Since all of his video games, school clothes, school books etc. are at his grandparents house, I suggested why doesn't live with us, Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night and with his grandparents Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. This worked for about a week. The child comes to our house, gets bored and demands to go to his grandparents...or vice versa, he will be at the grandparents and demand to come to our house and they call us demanding for us to leave wherever we may be, stop whatever we may be doing and come pick up the child at that exact moment.
I can't even imagine how my boyfriend feels being pulled in so many directions. I understand that being with him means accepting and being a parent to his child and I have been willing to do that from the beginning.
When I lived in my own apartment, I always suggested him bringing his son over to stay on the weekend and planned activities for us. When he and I moved into our first apartment together, I purchased a brand new fluffy couch AND a futon for his son to sleep on when he came to stay (it was only a 1 bedroom). I felt it was very important for his son to have a sense of belonging at our home, to have his own bed/space/etc. It seems like I am the one making all the attempts for him to strengthen his relationship with his son, but he only wants to do it when it is convenient for him. If friends invite us out to a bar or somewhere he wants to go, he has no problem leaving his son with the grandparents, but when I make plans or want to do something, it is suddenly a life or death situation that we pick up his son and spend time with him.
I feel that he doesn't want to responsibility of the child....as I said he's never had to be a full-time parent. I think he feels guilty about this at times and this is why he is reluctant to discipline the child. I also think he tries to place the blame on me to make himself feel better. He never says "we shouldn't have gone out, we should have stayed home with my son", but when we don't spend time with him because we are doing something with my friends or family he says it is my fault that he doesn't see his son.
If my boyfriend has a headache he will say "I have a headache and I don't feel like him being over here today"
I have tried to talk to him and tell him that being a parent is 24/7....it doesn't matter if you dont feel well....but he has always had the luxury of just handing the child over to the grandparents.
I do feel bad for the little boy. I really just don't know what to do though. If he is going to be in my house, he is going to follow my rules and behave. I can't enforce them because when he misbehaves or disrespects me, my boyfriend encouarages it by laughing.

[Kasey0711]

I hate to tell you this but the child isn’t ruining your relationship, your boyfriend is. My ex boyfriend had an uncontrollable son and I was in the same situation. The only thing that was different was that I have 2 Small girls that I have from a previous relationship. His son was out of control as well, but he did discipline him. And it did at times make us fight. Especially when it would affect my kids. But let me tell you, I hate to say it, but if he’s not ready to be a full time dad he’s defiantly not ready for the responsibility of a relationship. I know that love is hard to turn away from but sometimes you have to or you will live your life unhappy and always lying. Trust me, make yourself happy and turn the page. Just think you wouldn’t have to worry about what excuse you will use this week, and you can find someone that will make you number one.

[chigirl29]

I'm sorry, but if your bf has 50 percent custody--he is doing a decent job.
If you don't like how the relationship is right now--it will not get better down the road (marriage). You should probably date someone without children.

[chigirl29]

Also, you keep calling him "the child"--
Well, I think "the child" would be better off without you in the picture because you have not accepted him.

[momagain59]

I agree

[althepal39]

your boyfriend sounds very immature and only cares about himself.   I would run for the hills.  

[hashadit]

Update:
After a lengthy conversation with my mother, whom i think is a great mom and ALWAYS put her kids and family first, I realized that this child is pitiful! He really has nowhere to call "home", only places to "stay" which differ from week to week.
So I took the reigns. I told my boyfriend, no more excuses. I understand that the grandparents have a very close relationship with him and will want to see him, but every other weekend, fri-sun. HE IS COMING TO OUR HOUSE.
Weekend #1: My boyfriend's son stayed STUCK to me. We had the best time! We played video games where he showed me all the tricks he knew, we baked cookies, we ran in the backyard with our dog, we got up and went out to eat breakfast, etc, etc. I gave him my 100% undivided attention and realized that it was EXACTLY what this child needed. He acts out for attention! He gets absolutely zero from his dad. The entire time we were playing, my boyfriend was drinking beer and watching sports. He actually got mad when I told his son we could hook the playstation up to the large TV in the living room and I told my boyfriend tough s***.
He's just so pitiful it makes me want to cry. He is just searching and HOPING for just 5 minutes of his dad's attention-for his dad to tell him "good job", or to even just play a video game. He begged his dad to play playstation and he only did when i told him to with a "look".
All he wants is for someone to sit with him and talk with him and play with him.
My boyfriend thinks that because he is at our house and he tells him "go play video games in your room" that he is spending time with him. WRONG
Weekend #2: My boyfriend's mom said she was keeping him because his mom was going to a superbowl party. I said, bring him over here-we're cooking and he'll have a good time. Again, my boyfriend completely ignored him and drank beer while the son and I jumped and yelled and gave each other hi-fives over the game.

So I have plans for a couple of hours this saturday when we are supposed to have him. My boyfriend just today accused me of not wanting his son at our house and causing him to not spend time with him. Classic.

[Ortarx]

Really and honestly in my oppinion you care about the kid, and you care about your boyfriend.  The thing is the kid is unstable and the boyfriend is not man enough to deal with what he sired.  Your going to have to raise both it sounds like if you stay in this relationship.  If you want to take on that responsibility that is your choice, if it were me I would say your sol boyfriend you cant handle your son and I am not going to raise both.  Does your boyfriend do anything around the house or does he sit and chill and act like a kid when it comes to responsibility in general? Look at the situation as a 3rd party the best you can then decide.

[Njsweetnlight]

I wanted to find out your outcome with your son being that I am going through the same thing with my step son. However, I did call it quits and believe it was not just the child acting out of control but it was due to his father not correcting or controlling his behavior. His son had no respect for authority, lied, stole, did everything possible and he was diagnosed finally with ADD which I said the whole time he had. His father as well denied it to the very end until his teachers and doctor finally said he needs medication to control his out of control behavior. I did end up saying I can not deal with this and said he needs to do something with his son and teach him some respect and how to act and my husband's response was to pack and leave the house tonight. It is sad but kids can destroy the relationship and if the parents don't see on the same level than it will never work. I do agree with you that the child does act out of wanting attention from their father but sometimes there are also other mental disorders that need to be addressed.  If your boyfriend said his son comes first then I advice you to run now and don't look back because you will save yourself years of heartache and pain.  

[Lost_in_Love]

I am currently experiencing a similar situation, except there problems are a little more severe than this. My boyfriend is 29 and has an 11 year old son. I am only 21, and have no children. His son has always lived hours away, so my boyfriend doesn't see him too often - maybe once a month... but it used to be more frequent. Last summer my boyfriend had his son the whole summer. They had a blast! He took him fishing, swimming, and even to the go-cart tracks. At the end of the summer when it was time for his mother to pick him up, he didn't want to leave. She literally had to pull him off of my boyfriend. So time passes, and we haven't heard from them... All of a sudden in October my boyfriend starts getting strange phone calls from DHS? Asking him to contact them ASAP. So, my boyfriend called them a couple times and left messages, but no one returned his calls. Eventually, about a month or so later, we received a big envelope with Child Abuse papers in it. Apparently his son told his mother that my boyfriend beat him that summer. My boyfriend was shocked, and so hurt. I felt so sorry for him. Why would his son do this? Well, we didn't see them again for a while, until Christmas rolled around. Then, we picked up his son from his mom's boyfriend's apartment. He got to come to Christmas and open presents and get love and attention from the family. I mean, that is okay because it IS Christmas... but that is the first time they had spoken or seen each other since this dilemma took place. I felt like he had no punishment for such a serious lie! My boyfriend is now a registered child abuser because of this child's lie. My boyfriend asked his son, why? Why would you tell such a lie? His son's response? He was mad. He was just mad at his father. Well, to make a long story short. Every time we are going to spend time with his son, it causes a huge argument. Partially because I can't believe my boyfriend has already forgiven his son, and partially because I fear for my own well-being. His son has ADHD, and has already written suicide notes. Last summer we found a stash of lighters, which scared me. And I work at a school, so if he one day decides he's mad at me, I would lose my job. I can't take the chance, but I do love my boyfriend so dearly. And there is no way that we can get around this issue. It is his son. I would never ask him to choose between his son and myself. And I respect him a lot for having so much faith in his son, but I don't have that faith in him. I don't have that unconditional love they possess. And I'm having a very tough time letting this go. Finally, to top everything off, they are now moving to our town. So I can already see that this will become a more frequent issue. I don't know what to do. Do I stay or do I go?

[RockRose]

First,  I think you need to deal with the legal issues.  Your boyfriend needs to get a lawyer and needs to formally respond to DHS's statements.  It doesn't sound like he's gone to court - and I've never heard of a "registered child abuser".  What is that?  There's registered sex offender,  but that comes about in a court  case,  with a finding of guilt.

Has he responded in any way to the allegations with DHS?

[Lost_in_Love]

He was founded guilty of child abuse. I apologize about the technical term "child abuse registry" I guess I just assumed there was one. But anyway, he has spoken to a lawyer, and his son's mother said she would pay for the lawyer since it was partially her fault. She also testified against my boyfriend in the papers. No one has gone to court. We just received the documentation of what was said by his son and his son's mother. Well, she was supposed to pay this two months ago, but decided to buy a flat screen TV. Or at least that is what my boyfriend's son told him. I told my boyfriend that I didn't think he should discuss the monetary issue with his son, as we start to enter the blame game on why it's taking so long. But what it just boils down to is his son is the one who said it. His son is the one who went through with all the lies, and made people believe him. And then, when he's not mad at his dad anymore, he decides to tell the truth. So they go to the lawyer etc... Well, because his son's mother didn't pay the lawyer, the appeal hasn't been sent yet. So now, my boyfriend has to come up with the money to pay it because time is running out. A couple weeks ago, we received a phone call from his son's mother, and she said that his son didn't want to see him anymore because he can only hang out with his dad for a couple hours. But he should know it's his fault that he can't come spend the night - not his dad's. And then, my boyfriend feels bad about that and it causes conflict between us. I just feel like this whole thing is such a huge mess. And I have no say or influence in any of it. I'm the one that just gets to deal with all the emotion. I don't know what to do. I'm on the verge of giving up. It is so stressful. My boyfriend thinks that when the legality issues are taken care of, that his son can just start spending the night again. Well, now that they are moving to town, and his son's mom does/says anything she can to leave him with my boyfriend, that it will be an all the time thing. I just need help. I don't know what else to do.

[specialmom]

My opinion.  Go ahead and do something else for the summer.  You shouldn't really give too many opinions on this subject.  It is already a mess as it is.  From the beginning as he is the father to a boy that he rarely sees.  They will have issues just because of that.  And rightly so.  If I had a child that lived states away--------  you bet I'd move closer so I could be involved in his life.  Your boyfriend has missed the majority of his son's childhood.  I hate to put it like that, but in essence, that is the truth.  If I were you--------  if you do make a comment.  You ask this boyfriend to be the best father he can.  That he needs to try to communicate better with the boy's mother.  That he tries to make more of an effort. That he goes and gets a hotel room where this boy is at and attends something like one of his ball games or boy scout camp outs.  

If you feel you can not do that, then I really think it is best that you go ahead and move on.  This will be a long road and the RIGHT thing is for this Dad and son to have every opportunity to mend their relationship.  Darn right this boy is mad at his dad.  He is young yet and doesn't understand all of the things that adults do . . . money, difficult relationship with an ex, time constraints, etc.  He just has seen that his dad is far away from him.  You don't know the whole story for why the abuse allegation came out and perhaps his mother pestered him into it or he said one thing and it snow balled from there and he didn't know what else to do.  

So, I'd have dad talk to the boy's mother and try to sort out the abuse allegation.  I'd have him contact a lawyer if he has to.  I'd not hold any grudges or animosity in your heart towards this boy.  He is his son with a right to be ticked off.  And that he has adhd--------  he needed his dad even more.  

Good luck

[Lost_in_Love]

I really appreciate you saying that.

[beinganadult]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and discussing this, as I am going through a similar situation.
The child I am dealing with, runs, and is ruining, our relationship. He cries, throws tantrums, throws things, and hits others, including me! He is 8 years old, and when cries, his parent looks for an excuse, and there is no punishment, no consequences, and I am left looking like the bad guy.
Today, just after Christmas breakfast, the child decided to smear feces on the bathroom wall, and the response from his parent, "that is weird", and left me to clean it up.
Later, when things did not go his way, in a board game, he threw his usual tantrum, and started throwing things in the house.
He was upset, and I understand anger, but do not understand, his anger at myself, or my home.

When he calmed down, he asked if there were AAA batteries for his new toy, and when I said I did not have them, he flew into a rage again. He lashed out at me, and said he hated me, and did not want to see me, ever again.
I said, I knew he was angry, and did not mean what he had said.
They left, and he got what he wanted. Now they are calling me to come back over for dinner, to which I said "NO". I feel like I am being used, and abused.

[melmel929]

wher do i start.... i am so having some of the same issues. My boyfriends son is 10 years old and in the third grade. And acts as if he is 4 or 5. He says rude things and expects everything and rolls anround on floor when he does not get his way. the kid crys at least once a day and did i mention still has bowel movements in his underwear. It drives me crazy and no one says any thing to him. he follows his dad to the restroom and sits in there while he does # 2. its really freakin odd. now the kid is on this kick about trying to take a shower with him. My son is so different. He talk like a normal kid and when he doesnt get his way he just rolls with it.he may say something out the way but never crys or throws himself on the floor. o and my son is 11 and in 5th grade. Its also werid but my boyfriend will ask his son if he is his baby girl? and his son will reply yes. tell me what the hell is wrong with this picture.

[merrybear]

That sounds like a very strange situation.  I hate to suggest anything as sad as this, but could there be some kind of sexual abuse going on?  The whole showering/bathroom/little girl thing is setting off alarms in my mind.  This response might be way off-base (and I hope it is), but sometimes when kids act out in strange ways it is a result of that kind of abuse.  It's unimaginable but it happens.  I don't know what you should do exactly, but I would definitely consider calling a counselor to discuss the situation.

[mukash]

I entirely agree with you. Those who haven't been through a similar situation have no right to judge her. Amazing how rude and obnoxious people can be while she's asking for advice. I understand her. I'm going through something similar. The fact that she's bringing it up shows only one thing: she cares. If she didn't, she wouldn't have bothered taking the time to post this message. It is very difficult to bring 2 families together, there's no miracle solution, and time will tell. Dedication is important, love as well....
Best of luck to you :)

[pfelchak]

I so agree with you. I'm in the same boat as this woman. I started date my boyfriend almost 2 years ago and after a year he ask me to move in. So I did. He has a 9 yr old daughter that has no respect for her mother or any adult. When I first started dating my boyfriend, his daughter was great. but for some reason, she started beating me down with her mean remarks which I find them very rude. When she comes over, it's like she glued to her dads side and no one can go near him ever. When I'm in another room, he will come to talk to me about something. Then 2 minutes later she comes walking in to listen or she will call his name from another room and he would have to stop talking and run to her side. We went to Mexico for Thanksgiving with his family which they go every year and it was my first time there. You would think he would want to take atleast a little time to walk the beach together or something to do alone. We never got to spend any time together and I felt like I shouldn't of gone. She kept making her rude remarks and I was hurt. He said he had talked to her, but yet, she has never said sorry for any of things she has said. This happens all the time we have her now. We get her every other weekend. She nevers wants to eat what I cook and I cook great meals. Her eating habits are terrible for a 9 year old child. She's very rude to all adults and I have tried to correct her, but scared to punish due to my boyfriend getting made at me. When she has home work, I have to leave the room. She always cries and says it's to hard and he will end up helping her to the point that he does it. Thats not learning. I listen to him when he has something to say about my kids and I respect that and have gone by what he says. I go to all of his family functions, but he won't go to my family functions cause he always works when he don't have his daughter. but when he has his daughter, he won't work. I love him and his daughter very much, but she is to spoiled and always gets what she wants. We are great together and have lots of fun when she's not around. I really don't know what to do? I'm 50 years old and I don't won't to lose him. He says we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, but he don't what to marry.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, first let me say that you've tagged your comment onto a very long, old thread and if you are looking for more responses, you will get more if you post your own thread.  You do that by going to the top of this forum and hitting post question.  I also will say that I see your question as perhaps having more to do with Relationship (which we have a forum for, go to the top tool bar and hit forums----  and then on the left side are the member communities---  look for Relationships there) than child behavior.  

As I see it, your problems lie between you and your boyfriend.  His daughter is . . . well, his daughter.  She's the kid and just doing her thing.  That no parent in her life demanded respect is really the parents fault.  That you now have a problem with her is an issue between you and your boyfriend.  You and he do not agree on parenting or on whether you get any say or not in the matter of his daughter.  You'd also  like to get married, he says no.  You go to his family functions but he will not go to yours.  All of these things are red flags and put this relationship in jeapardy of failing  

I can only recommend to you two things.  One, try to work with him.  By that I mean, working out these differences in a productive way, compromising along the way, and finding a resolution you both are happy with.  Yes, you must be happy too.  If you lose someone because they do not mesh with your vision of life over and over again, well---  you then have the ability to find someone you could have a happier life with.  Does that make sense?  so, that is the second thing you can do here, set up a boundary for where you draw the line.  When is it okay to say that this isn't working?  You need to start clarifying that within yourself.  Not every relationship is meant to be and if he isn't being a solid, equal partner with you, then that might make this relationship one that won't ultimately make you happy.  

by the way, a couples therapist could definately help with the trying to work through this part of the above paragraph.  

So, I do wish you luck. It is really hard to blend families---  but can be done.  but both partners have to respect the other and I'm just not sure that is happening here.  Peace

[eva84]

i with exactly the same problem ..and maybe bigger . I'm with my partner 17 months . everything between us was perfect..., i get pregnant... to till 8 month of my pregnancy.he got 11 years old son living with his mum , and visiting my partner in our home like a 2-3 times per months.But no in the last one. he is here all the time in the last 4 weeks completely different than before. really aggressive , jealous to me. just try to understand is his own game or playing together with his mother . is really strange because is never been living with my boyfriend and now when i 9 month pregnant is here from 1 month. all the time is opposite me, fooling his dad like a dog everywhere didn't give as no 1 sek. privet time. and getting really aggressive if we have nice time.i so worry for our relationship , love a lot my boyfriend he do as well... but our relationship is on way to be ruin in the moment when we waiting our first baby . i'm scared !!! his son ask him my boyfriend to sleep with him every night and he do it .. living me alone all the time, stay with him in separate room  with him only to keep hem happy , without to think for as , me ...our baby ...if he sore as together in some room come on the minute between us trying to separate us . this boy playing with him , my boyfriend know but is scared to do something. he is never been giving him some discipline or learn him to have respect like to father. the boy is with relay rude language to his father and that's everything drive me crazy.i want my partner more than everything in the world , but can not living anymore like that , is just no fair to me and our baby . will have the baby everyone moment and i feel so lonely , sad,and scared like never in my live .before 2 days ago my partner family was on visit in our home ..there are such a lovely people.in the end his sister  try to speak with the on of my b.f. about the baby how will have the baby and everything will be OK ...and he tell her how planning to kill the baby with the pillows , to put them on the baby face to the end . i was to the door and hear this ... didn't do nothing i was in shock !!! i scared and need help . can not believe what happen in my live . i been trying to be nice to this little boy but nothing work. he is so strange , really worry for my man and our baby ! our baby don't deserve this live ... was thinking to live the house , but why ? where to go with my newborn ? alone ? our baby deserve his father, me and the home ... and i still stay here , but feel like a in arest , prison ... worried for the live of my baby, when we come from the hospital back to home. i don't want this boy around the house the first 3-4 weeks , because need private tiime only wit my partner and our baby ...  my boyfriend cant realise what happen in our home he is just with closing eyes . i didn't know what to do !

[nancy5656]

To the idiot that said children 4 and 5 act this way. Total bs. I wasn't  raised that way. My parents disciplined us. I have friends that don't discipline their kids and their hell raisers. The ones that do discipline their kids, have great kids. You need to teach your kids to respect you. You dont get that with letting your kids get away with stuff. When their a teenager they will be out of control. probably doing drugs, stealing, whatever.

[nancy5656]

To the idiot that said children 4 and 5 act this way. Total bs. I wasn't  raised that way. My parents disciplined us. I have friends that don't discipline their kids and their hell raisers. The ones that do discipline their kids, have great kids. You need to teach your kids to respect you. You dont get that with letting your kids get away with stuff. When their a teenager they will be out of control. probably doing drugs, stealing, whatever.