My girlfriend tells me she's uncertain. uh-oh.

[dyyy]

I've been with my gf for 2 years now and recently got a shock. We were viewing properties in another country and were each looking to buy an unit each. While we were looking at the showflat, layout plans etc, she suddenly turned to me and asked me if she could buy subsidized housing if she owned an overseas property. I said no, she couldn't but she could dispose of the overseas property if she wants to buy subsidized housing in our country.

Note: Subsidized housing is what couples who want to get married usually buy. So instead of saying 'do you want to marry me', it is in our culture here to say 'lets go apply for a flat (subsidized housing) if we are proposing. So after she said that I was puzzled why she would ask such a question because I already own a private property here and this ownership prevents me from buy any form of subsidized housing. So I told her 'it doesn't matter anyway, since I've already got a private property, we wouldn't be able to apply for subsidized housing in any case when we get married'.

To which her reply was that 'yea, but if I marry another guy next time, and we need to apply for subsidized housing...'.So I got pretty upset and shocked because of her thinking. In her defence she said that she's being pragmatic and that there's no way anyone can be 100% sure and we don't know for sure what's gonna happen in future. I got quite upset because I always felt that I've operated on the basis that this is gonna work out. So when she said that it hurts and bothers me.

Next, I told her that since she's so uncertain, I shouldn't be feeling so certain as well and I'll be adjusting my commitment levels. I still do want this to work but I feel that her negative thinking (of entertaining the possibility of failure) can sabotage the relationship.

I'm not sure how to deal with it. I just feel that she's negative about it and I feel like I cannot tolerate that kind of uncertainty on her part. I feel like I need her to be 100% certain.

[RockRose]

dyyy,  when I hear stories like this, where the woman is so difficult and unsure,  but the guy is sticking by her side,  I often think well,  it must be the sex.  She must be doing something for him behind closed doors.

This isn't the case with you.

What is it,  really,  that is keeping you with this woman?  I think you need to do some real soul-searching and figure out what it is that's keeping you in this relationship - because it's not obvious to me.  

[Londres70]

"To which her reply was that 'yea, but if I marry another guy next time, and we need to apply for subsidized housing..."............In other words she isn't sure about your relationship.

"her defence she said that she's being pragmatic and that there's no way anyone can be 100% sure and we don't know for sure what's gonna happen in future.".........In other words she isn't sure about your relationship.

I am assuming she isn't planning on being in this relationship long.

Carve out a future with her?  Reread AGAIN what you wrote about her and her involved family........do you really think all this will get better over time?  Don't kid yourself.  

[dyyy]

Yes it did help crystalize what I'm facing a little better. I know I still want to be in this relationship but I'm not sure if I should?

[RockRose]

dyyy,  did the exercise of writing all this out make your situation clearer to you?

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and welcome. I think in the long run, she will drive you crazy. Your loving  and empathic, she cold and pragmatic. But you know, sometimes these extremes work out. The question is, are you willing to be in a high extreme relationship?

[dyyy]

On another point, in out 2 year relationship, we've never had sex at all. Its not that she doesn't want to but she's just not interested in it and she's too tense (literally). And its pretty hard for me because in my previous r/s, sex was plenty. I can control although I do get frustrated as well and I'll admit, I've considered cheating and I cannot discount the fact that the sexual frustrated will drive me to doing that.

Besides that, I feel that we're not meeting as often and I think that is a problem while for her, she thinks that not meeting much is ok. Perhaps for her is ok, she has a 'normal' family and she's very close to her parents and siblings. For me, its pretty dysfunctional so I think I crave that love and attention and I get lonely pretty easily especially when she's out with her friends and I'm alone at home - I get bitter at that and we quarrel and I would want her to get home 'not too late' otherwise I'll get upset. Also, she's pretty much a mommy's girl. Her parents are VERY conservative. She's 25 and she's not allowed to travel alone with me overseas for a holiday. What frustrates me even more is that she acquiesce and agrees with their parents' rationale. I would think if she's able to make her own decisions and care for me without her parent's apron strings. I'm not so sure what I should do. While I do still want to carve out a future with her, I'm not sure how to handle and tackle the problems. Thanks for reading this!