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My husband resents me...not getting along well
My husband resents me very much and it's starting to affect our marriage. We have been married 5 years. We had moved to a state up north for me to attend a top-rated law school. We have a preschool daughter and coping with being a wife, mother and developing a severe health-related anxiety disorder while I was in law school led me to not do very well. I graduated at the bottom of my class, even though my IQ is in the top 2% of the population. My husband thinks I didn't even try, which I really didn't. I don't know if it was that I was afraid of success, or afraid of failure, just too lazy, too stressed, or what. He is correct, though - I hated that school and the people in it and skipped class a lot. We got pregnant my last semester of law school and I had the baby in August. I don't have an attorney job yet - I work at an accounting firm and make decent money and he makes a fairly good salary as a paralegal but we still have lots of financial issues because we got behind on bills when we were out of work and pay lots for childcare and rent. He told me this morning it's my fault because he invested so much in me, he put off his education and career goals to put me thru school and I squandered it and I'm afraid to look for an atty. job. I have a LOT of severe mental issues due to my upbringing - I came from a severely emotionally abusive and very stressful home. I have residual issues like low self-image and anxiety. He has been trying to help, but says he is getting fed up. What can I do? Divorce is NOT an option; I love him so much and know he loves me too.
It sounds like to me that your anxiety disorder/depression is running the show here. The first thing you need to do is to see a doc about getting something to get the anxiety under control. You will be amazed at how everything will seem so easy once you do that. Someone else said it but it is very true. A man gets his self worth from his job and his ability to provide for his family and once he feels good about that and you feed him good, his is yours forever and ever. You will get your job and you will be good at it, but before you can do that you need the meds. Pure and simple..... If you had anyother medical condition you would have already been to the doc so whats up with that!!!!
Hi. I couldn't help notice that you have a lot of issues and your husband is trying to help you, just not the way you want. Look, if its really true that he's gone thru alot to put you to school, then you owe him that much to commit at least 2 hours a day to study (since you mentioned ur child is cared for) and the student in school, play no part in whether you're gonna do well or fail.Actually it'll be dumb to blame them since they don't even know how you feel. Thirdly, you ought to put your troubled past behind you when you married a great guy like your hubby and better still, had a beautiful baby like yours. Why are you even thinking of the past? Its over and you have a beautiful start. So start. It's gonna be difficult to put the past behind you but IT CAN BE DONE. I did it ( and i was a rape victim). So many better things to think about like your success, your husband's success and your beautiful child watching this and gaining strength thru its parents. So move your *** girl and make your hubby proud.
Failure is going to be an issue for you until you get the help you need to break away from what your past is doing to you. You admitted that you have a problem and you are bringing your husband down. He shouldn't condem you for your illness but he should hold you accountable for getting help since you do realize you need it. You are not a failure for being sick but if you don't get into counseling and or medication then you are a failure. I don't mean to sound so mean but I think you needed to hear it. Stop looking for a different job, you are not ready. Support your husband as much as you can but he will feel better with a wife that cares enough to help herself get better. Just do it!
FearFactor, you stated that you have come from an emotionally abusive past. IMHO I think that the reason why you are scared to try is beause from the roots of your upbringing. Things that happen in the past haunt a person for the rest of their life, and will have an impact on what their future has in store. You a smart and successful woman. Your husband does love you, and yes although that his job is stressful, I think that his "lashing" out is due to the fact that he might not know how to deal with your lack of confidence.
Is your husband willing to go to counselling with you, or have you already tried that? I think for you to get the confidence back, he will need to be there to support you. He does love you, but I think that he is hurting, to see you hurt. You may not think that, but that is what I see. You need to better yourself girl, you are successful.
If you would rather not go that route, then just go for your dream. sometimes the strength we need is hiding somewhere in a dark corner of our soul, just waiting to come out. Failure is only a state of mind, it does not exist, unless you do not try.
Is your husband willing to go to counselling with you, or have you already tried that? I think for you to get the confidence back, he will need to be there to support you. He does love you, but I think that he is hurting, to see you hurt. You may not think that, but that is what I see. You need to better yourself girl, you are successful.
If you would rather not go that route, then just go for your dream. sometimes the strength we need is hiding somewhere in a dark corner of our soul, just waiting to come out. Failure is only a state of mind, it does not exist, unless you do not try.
P.S. - I forgot to mention that there are medications that can help you with your anxiety. Anxiety does not have to control your life. Also, there is a homeopathic remedy called "Rescue Remedy" that many people take to help them through stressful events, etc.
What is your definition of "failure"? To me there is no such thing... as long as you try. Failure cannot be measured, imho. From my experiences people who were afraid of failing, were also afraid of success. They would set themselves up to fail, because they would never put any effort in to achieve their goals. It is self-destructive. You cannot win.
Self-esteem is something that you can only give yourself. I hope that you will put yourself first and do everything in your power to work on the issues of your childhood and how this has had such a huge negative impact on you today. This may require lengthy counseling, but the payoff is huge. Just make sure you go to a good counselor and this person makes you feel comfortable and you feel empowered after each meeting.
Well, the thing is I really DO want to be an attorney. I am just too scared to start trying to look for a job because I am convinced I will fail and never reach my dream. This frustrates my husband very much, understandably. He has tried to help me with my self-esteem and anxiety problems and I'm in counseling but really nothing seems to help me - not meds, counseling, anything. I had a really destructive childhood and my personality was pretty much degraded - I had a form of PTSD growing up from all the fighting I witnessed (like family members putting out cigarettes on eachother during fights, etc.). I am Christian and am trying thru my faith, counseling and support from my family (husband and kids) to overcome it all. I don't want my life to be wasted, I want to be what I dream of being. I think a big reason I hated law school is that it was hard and I feared failure so much I just didn't even really try. But, I am trying now and just want to get better. Thanks, everyone, for your advice and caring.
You know also you can tell your husband that after everything, that yes, maybe law school was not what you should've pursued. You did finish, did graduate, but also learned that perhaps it's not the best road for you afterall. You could go round and round w/ 'why didn't I figure that out sooner', but the fact is you didn't. You must have some passion and happiness in your job since you really spend quite a bit of time there. And although you may not practice, I'm sure the experience has shown you a lot. It's ok to decide it wasn't for you. That's how we learn in life- be very proud you made it thru despite the anxiety (I'm sure you thought of quitting). Let him know that although you would hope he would pick carefully what to pursue education wise, you would also support him if the situation was reversed. good luck to you....
If you don't put yourself first and resolve these issues, they will continue to haunt you and get worse. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm only telling you the truth as I know it. Please confront what you need to confront for yourself and your family. Cognitive counseling is good for anxiety issues. It helps you change your way of thinking and to think more positively.
As far as your husband resenting you... there is one quote that comes to my mind:
Forgiveness means that you do not hold others responsible for your experiences.
~ Gary Zukav ~
please consider the counseling. you are entering an awfully stressful line of work with long hours. that is going to negatively impact you if you don't take the time to deal with these issues.
good luck :)
good luck :)
Thanks for your advice. I know we need to focus on my husband's career - I think he has issues because he is not "supporting" us or something. He has found a good job with a really good law firm that he likes a lot. We had thought of leaving the town we moved to when I graduated law school but are staying so he can keep this job. I really do want to practice law. I always pictured myself working for causes I believe in, like father's rights. I dream of doing this and feel extremely unfulfilled working doing what I'm doing now. I have started my job search with much trepidation and encouragement from my husband. I am just so scared I'll never find a job. I know that sounds stupid. But, I feel like I've done so poorly in law school that I can't reach my dreams. I know my husband gets sick of my negative attitude and I KNOW I have one. Hopefully I can start to feel more positive and we can work things out.
Well, that is enough to stress out anyone.
First of all, take care of yourself physically. Make sure you have good support for your anxiety disorder. If meds are going to make things better, take them. I know some people who have had success with diet and exercise, etc. However, they are very much the minority.
Secondly, get counselling so you can heal yourself of your child hood trauma. When you are whole you will bring a richness to your marriage that you have been unable to access up to this point.
Thirdly, decide what you want to do with your life. Do you want to be a lawyer? Or are you delaying because this is not the path you want to take. I have three friends who have law degrees but have opted not to practice. They have interesting careers and do not regret going to law school.
Finally, I think you need to help your husband achieve his goals. He feels thwarted in his ambitions. Men often value themselves based on professional success. The two of you need to make a plan. Maybe that means moving closer to where you have family.
Good luck.
First of all, take care of yourself physically. Make sure you have good support for your anxiety disorder. If meds are going to make things better, take them. I know some people who have had success with diet and exercise, etc. However, they are very much the minority.
Secondly, get counselling so you can heal yourself of your child hood trauma. When you are whole you will bring a richness to your marriage that you have been unable to access up to this point.
Thirdly, decide what you want to do with your life. Do you want to be a lawyer? Or are you delaying because this is not the path you want to take. I have three friends who have law degrees but have opted not to practice. They have interesting careers and do not regret going to law school.
Finally, I think you need to help your husband achieve his goals. He feels thwarted in his ambitions. Men often value themselves based on professional success. The two of you need to make a plan. Maybe that means moving closer to where you have family.
Good luck.
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