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My partner has not finished his divorce, I need help.
My partner and I have been together for 5+ years. We have 2 kids ages 2 and 4. When my partner and I got together we talked about everything. He told me he was married, they share a daughter, and they are seperated. I was OK with this. His ex and I have always got along very well, they both have no desires for each other. As the years have gone by, the only attempt for divorce has been from my partner. At this point they are legally seperated. I NOW WANT MORE! I am 26, my partner is 36. I am a stay at home mom, he works full time. I have been telling him that I want these papers finished. He keeps telling me that its about money that's why its not completed, but over the years we have had money for other things. Recently I wrote a letter for him... FINISH THE PAPERS, OR ELSE WERE MOVING, AND NO MORE SEX UNTIL THIS HAS GOTTEN TAKEN CARE OF! Am I making the right choice for myself and the boys? I don't want them to be away from there dad, I hate that they are in this! I should have left the moment I knew he was still married..
I have to agree with RR on this one. If you toss an ultimatum in his face, and he chooses to leave, you will have to go to work to support the kids. Being a SAHM is something that I love doing. I would have to think long and hard before taking the chance of loosing that. But, there are people who DO work and their kids are fine. You don't have to be a SAHM in order to be a great mom. (I worked myself of and on through the years as we have needed.) Everyone makes mistakes, it's how we learn. I myself have made some hum-dingers. Don't beat yourself up over something that you can't change now. Learn from it and go on with your life. You just need to decide how you want to live it. If the divorce is a major issue for you, and I admit it would be for me too, then is it a big enough issue to risk having to give up staying home with your boys? Maybe if you calmly talk to him without the ultimatum he will listen and you won't run the risk. I know if someone gives me an ultimatum it just makes me that much more determined to do the OPPOSITE of what they want. Childish but true. Good luck to you and your family!
I am not a huge fan of ultimatums, don't give him the letter, be a grown up and sit down and have a reasonable discusion. Tell him what you need from him and if he can't provide that you will have to figure out what to do next.
Hindsight is right, RR!
Would have been a weeee bit better to not have had children with this guy until you had a permanent relationship. Face facts; you are only a girlfriend. Even though you've had a long term relationship, you are fairly disposable to him.
If you throw down an ultimatum, you'd better be prepared to follow through. The "no sex" part is childish and poses no threat to him at all. Most men can get it anywhere--even pay for it if need be. So leave that out.
Sit down and have a heart to heart about where you see yourselves in 6 months to a year. He'd better see himself as fully divorced, or it indicates that he will likely never commit to you.
Would have been a weeee bit better to not have had children with this guy until you had a permanent relationship. Face facts; you are only a girlfriend. Even though you've had a long term relationship, you are fairly disposable to him.
If you throw down an ultimatum, you'd better be prepared to follow through. The "no sex" part is childish and poses no threat to him at all. Most men can get it anywhere--even pay for it if need be. So leave that out.
Sit down and have a heart to heart about where you see yourselves in 6 months to a year. He'd better see himself as fully divorced, or it indicates that he will likely never commit to you.
He want his cake and eat it to. what money is he talking about unless its the alimony and child support.he can get that back with extra income no excuse if he is living with you.he already have 2 kids with you why not marry you too.
Do you and your partner live together now? Or is he living on his own?
If you live together, then it sure seems odd that he won't finalize the divorce. Do you think there's some unspoken reason he has for hanging on?
I'd make him elaborate on these "money issues" that he thinks are so complicated. I bet you two can come up with a plan together if you just talk it through.
Good luck!
If you live together, then it sure seems odd that he won't finalize the divorce. Do you think there's some unspoken reason he has for hanging on?
I'd make him elaborate on these "money issues" that he thinks are so complicated. I bet you two can come up with a plan together if you just talk it through.
Good luck!
Boy, talk about hindsight being 20/20.
I think at this point, you need to figure out what you would lose, and what you would gain by making him leave.
You would lose the chance to stay at home with your little kids, you'd have to go to work and put them in daycare. You'd gain . . . nothing.
Best wishes figuring this out.
I think at this point, you need to figure out what you would lose, and what you would gain by making him leave.
You would lose the chance to stay at home with your little kids, you'd have to go to work and put them in daycare. You'd gain . . . nothing.
Best wishes figuring this out.
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