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Avatar universal

My wife cheated on me

Hi I'm new here and not quite sure where to start or whether this is even the right place to be. I've been googling a lot to try and help me understand and deal with my situation but I'm still struggling so very hard.
I'm a 45 year old man and have been married for 12 years. We have a 9 year old daughter.  On June 11th I found out that my wife had gone to meet up with a man in a hotel room for sex. This was devastating enough but over the last 6 weeks I have found out that she has been doing this for 3 years now and has been unfaithful on 11 separate occasions.
I myself am a totally loyal and honest person and could never bring myself to do something like this – so it hurts extra bad that she could do this to me.
We’ve had a lot of conversations and both of us are undergoing therapy. We haven’t discussed “us” yet in any great detail, i.e. couples counselling, because right now I know I couldn’t cope with the “us.” What little insight I have is that our relationship has been going downhill for a very long time (possibly 10 years – and I have known that too deep down) and that we lost the ability to communicate. For her part she feels that I wasn’t giving her what she needed in a relationship (to feel needed, wanted, loved, etc.) and she spiralled out of control. I’ve said the obvious; that doing what she did didn’t provide any of this either and she acknowledges that.
But there are other things about her behaviour that I simply cannot comprehend and these other things are what is making so extra difficult to deal with.
If you do something stupid and are full of remorse afterwards, then I get that - it was a stupid mistake. It’s not right of course, but at least showing the remorse shows your ability as a human being that you are “still there inside” – i.e. the woman I love and chose to marry is still underneath there somewhere. But she made so many other bad choices that I simply cannot comprehend.
First, of all the times she has had sex and given them oral, which she has admitted to, it was unprotected over 50% of the time. How can a person do something like that? It’s not so much about the sex; it’s the fact that it was unprotected. She could have caught HIV and she could have passed that on to me. In a worse case scenario she could have left our child without any parents. I don’t understand that irresponsibility. If she had unprotected sex once and then woke up the next day thinking “what have I done? How could I have been so stupid” – and then gone and get herself tested – at least that would have given me something. But she didn’t. Never at any stage over the three years did she think to get herself tested. That decision bothers me enormously.
She is wearing a contraceptive implant. Everyone knows that these are never 100% effective. She could have gotten herself pregnant and is aware of that – but still took the risk.
On two occasions she bought someone back to our house and had sex. This is our family home where our daughter lives. How could she even contemplate violating our family space like that. How could she do that? Going to a hotel is one thing but bringing someone back into the home where our little girl lives I cannot comprehend.
A couple of years ago she took our daughter away for a week. She travels to see and stay/catch up with a few of her old friends. On one occasion when she was staying with a friend she left our daughter with the friend to “babysit” while she then went to a hotel for sex. How could a mother do that to her child. Put her own selfish needs before that of our daughter.
So it is not primarily about the sex thing anymore to me – it is about what kind of person does that kind of thing. Her moral compass. That is the bit I am struggling so hard to deal with.
It would be so easy for me to walk out, or even kick her out, but I have had to be strong for the sake of our daughter. I sit here crying every day, trying to make some kind of sense of it.
I have questioned whether I still love her and I know I do. In an ideal fairytale world with a magic wand I want us to work it out – but I don’t know whether I can ever forgive her bad choices.
She has given up all her passwords and email accounts, she has even changed her mobile number (which she has had for 20 years and I know she didn’t want to do) – so she is giving signs of how sorry she is and how she wants us to try again – but I just don’t know whether I can ever trust her again. If our relationship went sour because of our inability to communicate, how do I know that in another 10 years she will be unable to communicate with me again and history repeats itself.
I also know that I love her. Only two days after this came out I told her that I still loved her. I looked deeply inside and knew that that feeling was there despite everything. Love cannot be switched off. You either have it or you don’t and I do. But she has not told me that she loves me. This also makes me think that maybe deep down she doesn’t. If that love was inside her, surely she could tell me that?
I have been off work for 6 weeks now and still cry regularly. I cannot see any end in sight for getting over this. I have never in my life experienced so much intense pain. It is absolutely unbearable.
I’m sorry this post ended up being so long. I’ve just ended up dumping my thoughts.
If anyone has anything advice to offer then it will be greatly received.
Thank you for listening.
30 Responses
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13167 tn?1327194124
In all this,  you didn't mention how she is meeting these men.  It's not terribly unusual for a woman to meet up with co-workers,  old flames,  etc.  for a fling,  but I sense she's attracting strangers and meeting them at hotels,  which is virtually unheard of for a woman to do except if she's getting paid.  Which I sense isn't your wife's motivation.

So.  Unlike a woman who develops a strong crush on a co-worker,  husband of a friend,  and gives into that lust,  a woman who picks up strangers has psychiatric issues.  

Would your friends and family be surprised she's turned out this way?  Have others expressed to you,  along the way,  that your wife seems mentally ill?
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1029273 tn?1472231494
Hi,

You've got a lot to sort through in your marriage, and I hope that counseling can see you through all of this, I'm sure it will help...

Yeah, she really could have put you at risk regarding any std/sti issues ~ if you haven't already done so, it would be a good idea to get yourself screened/tested by a doctor.
Any alcohol and/or drug abuse issues going on w/her? Or like what Rock Rose mentioned, any mental issues?
While it's not uncommon for people to have affairs outside of their marriage, it seems as though she has really chosen an unhealthy and dangerous path by meeting up with guys at hotels, bringing them to your home, engaging in unprotected sex, and leaving your daughter w/ a friend so that she can meet up w/whomever on vacation ~ it's like asking for trouble...
I know it is extremely hard to do, but you must keep up a united front, or at least continue on with as much normalcy as you can for your daughters sake...
Good Luck
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Avatar universal
Thank you for your comments Rockrose.

When it started 3 years ago it was "technically" with someone at work. She works in HR and communicates with managers on the phone and through a messenger type thing on the computer. Over time she develops "friendliness" with these people and gets talking on a more personal level. She talked about her marriage and how unhappy she is. The "first" person she had an encounter with was in the same boat with his marriage - and so they eventually ended up meeting.

The second was identical - just someone else.

The third was someone at work.

Thereafter she joined a website that was simply no strings attached sex (i.e. not a "dating" website)

You are the first person who has mentioned a mental illness. That said, from what I have gleaned that was exactly the same decision i came to. However mentioning that to my friends seems to make them think that I am just making excuses for her.

But even though I have been down that road, thinking that it was some kind of illness, - I still cannot comprehend the "moral" choices she has made. That's what hurts.
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Avatar universal
Thanks clement.

She has been tested now for absolutely everything. That was one thing I insisted on. Luckily she was all clear.

The united front is actually working well. Despite the circumstances I am one of those people who is able to take a step back and make a sensible decision rather than an emotional one. The biggest thing I care about right now is my daughter and my need to protect her from all this.

One thing about me is I am a very cuddly person - I absolutely love sitting cuddling on the sofa and watching a film or something. Bizarrely, we are closer now than we have ever been. I need comfort more than anything right now and my wife has actually been there to give me that. Just a cuddle to make me feel better. However I am totally aware that this is a "false" situation and may not last. My attitude is simply that I will take it while it is there.

There are a million questions buzzing around and I simply do not know whether she is worth "waiting for" while she goes to therapy. How long do I put my life on hold while she tries to sort herself out? Will she ever?

If she does, what if it happens again? Will I always be wondering where she is and what she is doing?

These are the questions that turn my stomach in knots
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134578 tn?1693250592
A lot of things will become clearer as the two of you work in counseling about what went wrong in your marriage.  I don't know if time will ever heal the wounds, but at least the two of you can talk about how you were when you married, how things changed, what happened 10 years ago, what happened later, and put it into the context of your relationship.  What you then decide, will be up to you.

Unlike the others, I don't automatically suspect she has a mental illness per se (except perhaps severe depression), but am ready to believe that if she was not happy or fulfilled in the marriage she got to a desperation level of some kind, thus the acting-out that went from the somewhat understandable (people at work with whom one has shared personal stories) to the downright dangerous (no-strings hookup website).  She's not only lucky not to have gotten STDs, she's lucky not to have gotten beaten up or killed, frankly.  Your wife should be going through therapy of her own, and you should also (her to understand why she did something so risky, and you to discuss the feelings of betrayal) as well as the two of you together doing so.  

It is possible that the only thing you two will ultimately be able to do is determine how to part with civility.  A divorce that is acrimonious or full of unresolved anger will be much more harmful to your child than if you decide to divorce after everything has been hashed out, heard and understood.  Or, if you two are able to hash out, hear and understand everything, you might actually find that you don't want to divorce.  It will be up to the two of you.

Best wishes that you can keep working together on this until you know what to do.
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Avatar universal
Thank you AnnieBrooke.

"but am ready to believe that if she was not happy or fulfilled in the marriage she got to a desperation level of some kind,"

And this point I can understand. However what concerns me is that if she got to this state once then we could go through a whole load of counselling but it could happen again. I have no control over her ability to talk.


"she's lucky not to have gotten beaten up or killed, frankly."
That was exactly one of the first things I said to her. How could she possibly know that she was being coerced into a hotel room for rape or even murder. The other thing that bothered me was that when I found her out and she said "we need to talk", the first thing she tried to tell me is that she only went there for a "sexy photo shoot" to make herself feel better. The cynic in me said "what kind of 'kind gentleman' would agree to undertake such a task for you without strings." My other concern was that she could have ended up on some kind of pornographic website.


"Your wife should be going through therapy of her own,"
She is

"and you should also"
I am

"(her to understand why she did something so risky, and you to discuss the feelings of betrayal)"
This is one of the other things that bothers me. The way I see it is that there are two main issues. 1) our marriage and 2) what she did over the last three years..
I have discovered that in her therapy she is pursuing our marriage and even going into her childhood. However, for me the "major" issue right now that I want addressed is the latter. If she has issues going back 30 odd years then I want this to be a secondary discussion in therapy. I told her straight that I want her to address the last three years "first" - the rest can wait. She doesn't seem to grasp this point however and that bothers me.


"A divorce that is acrimonious or full of unresolved anger will be much more harmful to your child than if you decide to divorce after everything has been hashed out, heard and understood."
This is one of the reasons why I have made my choice to sit it out.
This is also from a selfish point of view to be honest. If I walked now I know I will still be chewing on it for years to come. Anything that I can learn now will help "me" to cope. It's not the only reason but is a selfish part of self-preservation.

"Best wishes that you can keep working together on this until you know what to do."

Thank you for bothering to have some input. It really does help.
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1029273 tn?1472231494
I think you are being very wise to shelter your daughter from all of this; good job on your part.

In regard to your other questions about waiting for her, and if she will sort herself out (?) ~ only time will tell.  Honestly, marriage counseling is the only way to get to the root of why this all took place in your marriage, and how you should go about resolving the past and any current problems. Through the counseling you're both going to have the option(s) to figure out what the best solution is for your marriage; either choose to stay together and mend from the damage, or allow it to end.  A really good idea is to keep a personal journal; write down any questions and feelings you are struggling with, then openly discuss them with the counselor and your wife during a session ~ a journal really helps you keep focused during any meetings...
At this point, you should proceed with caution.  In some instances, an affair can strengthen a marriage, or it could destroy it. The thing is, based on her past indiscretions she has proven that she makes bad choices. It is now up to her to prove that she can be trustworthy, honest, and show integrity if she ever wants your marriage to heal. You have to be willing to forgive her, and once again be able to trust her ~ and that could take a long time, sometimes years...
I wish you all the best, and I really hope that you and your wife can find a positive solution for your marriage.
Take Care

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Avatar universal
Thank you clement.

Your words are really appreciated.
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14757565 tn?1438301624
Paul -
Whether you choose to stay or choose to divorce, or if she chooses to divorce, you have a lot of work ahead.
" If she has issues going back 30 odd years then I want this to be a secondary discussion in therapy. I told her straight that I want her to address the last three years "first" - the rest can wait. She doesn't seem to grasp this point however and that bothers me. "
If she has issues going back 30 odd years, and you are choosing to sit it out with her, they can't wait.  To someone with that much "baggage", the last 3 don't make sense.. it will all unravel together, and who she comes out on the other side will be a different person, although quite possibly a better, happier one... one that won't cheat and who will stand by your side for the rest of you lives.

I think in this situation you need patience and understanding.  If she's willing to stay with you and has apologized and expressed remorse, you can't expect her actions day to day to reflect that, nor should you expect any sort of groveling... she may want to put it behind her...(?)

If there are issues, let her address and ask for commitment to making it work, ask for her to keep you involved in her progress.  Divorce is awful, there's no way around that... but she has healing to do in order to have a healthy future with you.  I commend you for not walking away.

It takes a lot to be able to do that, it should also be said that you will heal and learn to trust her again on your own, but you can't hold it against her or use it against her, unless she deceits or acts deceitful, then you can use it to avoid being hurt, but not to hurt her... Regularly a person will feel ashamed for their wrong-doings and will rebel against facing them past the point of trying make up for them.  (As long as she is trying and legitimately working on them, you are offering to stand by her to work on your problems together, and you can't cage her.)

I hope it works for you and your family
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think clement4now has some incredible wisdom for you.  I really like her idea of a journal.  May I also suggest a therapist for yourself to talk this through.  And definitely agree to be very protective of your daughter and keep her out of this.  peace and luck to you
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Avatar universal
Thank you fitmommy.

Despite not wanting to hear what you said, it does actually make sense.

It's not going to be easy playing the waiting game and I don't know whether I am strong enough to last that long - but hearing it said actually gives me a bit of breathing space to work with - thank you.
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Avatar universal
Thanks specialmom
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Paul, the bottom line is that your with a person who has no regard for you or the welfare of the family. Dont accept your own personal desires of what you need from her as love, because its not.
And her being with other men is making you desire her even more and i suspect that if she does stop this horrible thing she is doing, and comes back to you only, and you know she is now yours, in that relaxed state of anxiety all the images will come back and youll eventully leave anyway as the thoughts will be unbearable.

I would consider this a re-start of your life and take a break from all women and later find someone who can be faithful.
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Avatar universal
"And her being with other men is making you desire her even more"

I appreciate your comment and this is something that I have questioned.

If I did not love her then this is the absolute and ideal opportunity for me to leave. I have used this moment as an opportunity to reflect upon my feelings for her. The bottom line is that I married her and I do love her.  This is arguably what makes it all the more difficult. If I didn't love her then off I go - end of story. But that is not the case.

I "have" questioned this myself and do not believe I am desiring her even more. What I have done is recognised that the desire I had for her all those years ago is simply still there. That is all.

The biggest problem for me now maybe is how do I let go of the woman I love?

I simply cannot put myself in this position again so I would be taking a "huge" gamble on whether she did this for psychiatric reasons. "If" she did and "if" I was willing to accept that, who is to say it will not happen again?

"in that relaxed state of anxiety all the images will come back and youll eventully leave anyway as the thoughts will be unbearable."

That has been happening constantly for the last 6 weeks.

"and later find someone who can be faithful."
I thought I had that already. If I start again, surely it could happen again?

I do appreciate you taking the time to reply Live - thank you.
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Paul, i have been in the exact same position as you many years ago, twice. Am  speaking from experience.
One day while at work my boss said he was going to lunch and to watch the store, half hour later i got a call from my neighbor saying my bosses truck was parked in front of my house and i also wondered why she got up at night to greet my brother who was visiting while i was going to bed. I still dont know who the child belongs to, me or my brother.
I did in fact leave and did not look back and it was the best decision of my life. Ive been married for 26 years now to a woman who would never even consider doing such things.
Sometimes you just got to suck it up as whats done is done. Dont add in other excuses for her like its a possible disorder. Its intentioal and calulated.
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Avatar universal
I understand and (even relate) to all the issues You have regarding the difficulty You are having with the revelation that Your Wife has been cheating for THREE years.

ONE of the issues I had in my own experience was the dishonesty that He so easily displayed - that He could spend an evening 'doing the deed' with another and then come home in the sun-shiny light of day, look me and the Children in the eye without feeling guilt or remorse for what He was doing.  It caused me to feel I was married to a 'stranger' and it even scared me a little to realize He was capable of deceiving His wife and His Children in such a grievous way !!  I felt that I was married to, and produced Children, with someone who was a complete stranger to me - because the Person I 'thought' I knew would not have been capable of such treachery.  (strong words I know - but we only speak in words and I'm trying to convey the depth of my anguish and despair)

In my own situation, my Husband never stopped cheating.  He cheated for the entire 15 years before I left Him.  Besides those I never knew on a personal level, He also cheated with a few 'friends' of mine and with BOTH my Brothers' Wives !!  Of course, every time He 'said' He was sorry, every time He 'appeared' to be remorseful BUT He was a good actor and a good liar to be such a cheat in the first place.

If You are going to stay it's absolutely imperative that You and She have counseling - but it is my own personal opinion that no matter what childhood issues anyone might have - cheating is a character issue.  If it's not in one's character, one's morals or integrity to cheat - one will NOT cheat on a commitment no matter what.

Just my opinion.

Whatever You do with this situation, I Wish You and Your Daughter The Utmost Best

Regards,
Tink
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Avatar universal
Thank you Life
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Avatar universal
"ONE of the issues I had in my own experience was the dishonesty that He so easily displayed - that He could spend an evening 'doing the deed' with another and then come home in the sun-shiny light of day, look me and the Children in the eye without feeling guilt or remorse for what He was doing."

This is one of the most painful things for me too.


"It caused me to feel I was married to a 'stranger' and it even scared me a little to realize He was capable of deceiving His wife and His Children in such a grievous way !!"

Exactly the same


"I felt that I was married to, and produced Children, with someone who was a complete stranger to me - because the Person I 'thought' I knew would not have been capable of such treachery.  (strong words I know - but we only speak in words and I'm trying to convey the depth of my anguish and despair)"

It's like you're reading my mind :(


"In my own situation, my Husband never stopped cheating.  He cheated for the entire 15 years before I left Him."

This is the bit that I'm struggling with. It only started three years ago. I know because I made her undertake a polygraph test (don't want to get into the merits of their validity - suffice it to say I am satisfied that she is not a serial adulterer.)


"He also cheated with a few 'friends' of mine and with BOTH my Brothers' Wives !!"

Sorry to hear that :(


"cheating is a character issue."

I totally agree and if it had been going on for years then I would be out.


"Just my opinion. "

And it is appreciated.


Whatever You do with this situation, I Wish You and Your Daughter The Utmost Best

Thank you Tink x
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Avatar universal
I'm just curious.......

You said that You are satisfied She is not a "serial adulterer" yet You site:

         "ELEVEN separate occasions over a 3 YEAR period"

I wonder, what constitutes a "serial adulterer" in Your opinion?

and what over the number 3 years constitutes "going on for years" in Your opinion?

Regards,
Tink
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Avatar universal
I'm just curious.......

You said that You are satisfied She is not a "serial adulterer" yet You site:
         "ELEVEN separate occasions over a 3 YEAR period"


I know it sounds weird.

If she had done this while we were going out, i.e. right at the very start of our relationship (we have been married for 12 years and knew each other for three before that), and had also done it during the course of our marriage then that is a (big) and different issue.

So out of 15 years total it only started 3 years ago. "Something" happened three years ago that kicked it all off.

We have both been unhappy in our marriage for some considerable period of time. She feels that I have not been providing what she wants from a husband. Love, security, comfort, to be needed, to felt wanted.

She works in HR and uses a messenger type program to support managers in remote offices. She gets to know the managers well as she speaks with and supports them regularly. On top of "work" chat they also started friendly chat. Talking about themselves, kids, weather etc.

The first guy she slept with was one of these managers who was telling her about "his" unhappy marriage. They exchanged unhappy marriage stories over time and eventually ended up sleeping together. So it's not like she went "looking" for sex as it were. Two  people in similar situations with similar problems.

The second was again a different manager but in a similar situation to the first.

The third was a guy at work and so was the fourth.

Thereafter she joined a "sex" website (not a dating website, just people looking for casual sex) and continued to make some very bad choices (I'm not referring to the sex but the fact that it was unprotected sex with strangers. Could have got pregnant. Brought someone into our home. Left our child with a friend so she could meet up with someone.)

As was mentioned by Rockrose at the start, the inference is that someone who picks up strangers has psychiatric issues. I have researched this extensively from psychology websites and psychiatrists and it certainly rings true. It's a very deep and troublesome area. Someone who exhibits this kind of "dangerous" behaviour is more than likely suffering a mental illness.

This I am comparing to someone who does it regularly right from day one and continues to do so. Even if someone had loads of affairs, this is arguably slightly different to the dangerous risks my wife took.

I know it sounds like I am defending her but peoples "problems" manifest themselves in a number of ways. I believe it all started because she got to a point where she lost control of herself mentally.

The biggest point is .... "if" I can truly believe this is why it happened and "if" it/she can be cured then do I believe she would do it again?

If it is a yes to both then I do indeed believe that she would remain faithful - hence not a serial adulterer.

My fear though is that she is that far gone and damaged that it would take the best psychiatrist to sort her out and more cash than I have - so if the root cause of the problem "isn't" resolved then it could (and would I believe) happen again.
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Avatar universal
well........three years IS a long time, and 11 times IS a lot (again, in my opinion)

I hope You succeed in what it is You seek to find with/for/about Your Wife - I truly and sincerely do - but realize that the 'bond' You 'thought' You had with Her is forever changed.  She needs to realize that too.

All we 'really' have in the first place is faith, and belief, and trust in the other - once that 'bond' is broken it is then forever marred.  The perpetrator somehow never 'gets' that.

Does She take responsibility for how insecure You will remain for (probably) a very long time? (maybe forever?)  or does She expect You to 'just get over it'?

This only touches the surface - believe me, I relate to the despair and anguish You feel on the deepest level as it once was mine as well.

P.S.  I don't quite understand what You mean:  "if She can be cured" or that You "fear She is too far gone and damaged" as I don't see cheating as a mental disease/disorder,  but rather a CHOICE.  Please explain?

Regards,
Tink
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Avatar universal
"All we 'really' have in the first place is faith, and belief, and trust in the other - once that 'bond' is broken it is then forever marred.  The perpetrator somehow never 'gets' that."

This is one of my concerns - whether she will ever 'truly' understand just how much devastation this has caused me


"Does She take responsibility for how insecure You will remain for (probably) a very long time? (maybe forever?)  or does She expect You to 'just get over it'?"

In all honesty I do not know yet. I am still in a bad place and trying to come to terms with it all. This is something that would have to come out in couples conselling - if we get that far. Right now I cannot even contemplate coping with that.


P.S.  I don't quite understand what You mean:  "if She can be cured" or that You "fear She is too far gone and damaged" as I don't see cheating as a mental disease/disorder,  but rather a CHOICE.  Please explain?

The way I see it is that the brain is a very complicated thing. When people cannot "cope" with everything that is going on in their head, something has to give. Some people turn to alcohol, some people get depressed, some people turn suicidal.

I myself got to a stage in November where I felt that I couldn't cope with my wife's attitude any more. I didn't like the way she was talking to our child for example, it felt very aggressive to me, but every time I tried to mention it she would stomp off saying "yes I'm such a bad mother, it's all my fault." I felt that no matter how hard I tried she was simply unapproachable. I ended up going to the doctor's who gave me anti-depressants. My "solution" to dealing with all that stress was just to stay away from her as much as possible and keep out of her way. I also started drinking more than I should. I could go through 7-8 bottles of wine a week. It was wrong and I realise that and have since stopped - but when I was at my breaking point, that was what "I" did.

Everyone has their breaking point and when they reach it we all have different ways of handling the situation.

There is a thought/theory that my wife reached her breaking point and did what she did "purely" because of that. The point is that I am not convinced that cheating on people is a "part" of her make-up. It is not what she feels she "needs" to do to fulfil her life (whereas some people get a kick out of it - they "need" that thrill.")

One of the biggest questions I have asked myself is: If our marriage was a happy one and had been over the last three years particularly, would she still have done it? I can never be 100% sure of this answer of course but I am of the opinion that no - she wouldn't.

Add to the equation that she exhibited very risky and dangerous behaviour leads to a path of: she may even have been on the edge of a mental breakdown. Her behaviour was not "normal"

I am not saying I am right - I am just able to take a step back and try to analyse the "why." Equally I am no psychiatrist so I could be totally wrong. But what I "have" seen is other people in situations where they are unable to "cope" - and the resultant actions they perform are completely different and not "normal."

Therefore "if" my wife had some sort of mental problem that led her to do what she did, this is what I mean by "if she can be cured." If the mental illness she suffered can be brought under control and she can find solutions/acceptance and inner peace with herself, then maybe there is a chance. My concern is that there is "too much" emotional baggage inside her.

And of course this is only just one possible scenario anyway.

Paul
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Avatar universal
I can only say we ALL have baggage - it still comes down to choice

A few years ago my Youngest Son (who was addicted to drugs and alcohol) was complaining to me that 'life' had handed Him some very difficult challenges.  He was blaming other things and people for His own CHOICES.  I said to Him:

We are ALL born in a pit - some pits are deeper than others but it is our choice to climb out of the pit and decide what kind of adult we CHOOSE to be"

Placing blame on one's "choices" is not exactly taking responsibility for wrong doing.  Mental imbalance does not 'create' a lack of integrity, character or morals.

In my opinion Your Wife is responsible for the bad/poor choices She has made and She needs to have enough regret and remorse not to make excuses or have You make them for Her.  She needs to adopt the 3 R's:  Regret, Remorse and Repair (in that order)  Does it seem to You that She is doing those things?

May I ask how You found out that Your Wife was cheating?  How did You learn that She cheated 11 times?  How did You learn that She had been cheating for 3 years.

My Husband also cheated (several times) in our home.  Personally, I took that as an extreme show of disdain for me and for our Children.  The cheating was bad enough but to risk it in our own home was ANOTHER devastation for me.  AND His lack of protecting me from disease was also a contention of disdain.  Love (?) - where does that fit ??

Once again I want to say that I relate to You on the deepest levels

Regards,
Tink
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3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm so sorry Paul for what you are going through right now.

I'm don't know if your daughter is old enough to know what's going on, hopefully she doesn't know the extent of it ....

.you've said that you're not able to work right now though, and im thinking that if your daughter is off school, that it might be the right time to get away just you and your daughter, If it's at all possible.

I think you really need to take a break and look after yourself , I'm not saying not to continue therapy, or that you're not doing a great job dealing with this, i'm just saying that it might be the appropriate time for you to get away and just breathe , you know? It will be here to look after when you get back.

I think it would be good for you to be able to take the time right now. You do have a huge decision to make in the future, I think it would be best if you took some time for yourself and your daughter to recharge yourselves before that time comes. It might be that your thinking process (again i'm not saying that you're not on the ball).would be more effective if you take the time to recharge.

My prayers are with you moving forward. So glad you have had such fine support here,
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