Need help

[mridiot]

I need to talk to someone. I am married almost three years. No kids yet. My wife and I are both doctors. I grew up with a group of guys that were like having a dozen brothers. There was alot of good to that and in our case alot of bad. We thought we were "the guys". We all had our girlfriends or pick-ups but when alone we were the macho jerks. We'd get drunk, pick up, drop some money at clubs and go to strip joint / parlors. Even when we found the girls we knew we loved and would marry we were still the 12 or so fools. That carried through bachelor parties, trips to see out of town games, our annual gathering, and just nights out here and there to relieve life's sh*t as we liked to put it. But more and more I started realizing we were jacka**e* and wondering why I was leaving a real woman that I loved at home while going out with the boys. I found I was not enjoying it - it was empty. I started backing down a bit and being less of a player for lack of a better word. I then stopped and told the guys that is just not for me anymore - I don't want it. Of course they think I am a wimp, think my wife controls me and in a way they do not trust me. Its like they are afraid that I have become so whipped (as they put it) that I may tell my wife about them. I'd never do that as I do not want to be the reason of breaking up homes especially with kids. But I do want to tell my wife about me and just start over. I read that when you cheat and confess the marriage that you knew ceases but a new and better one can begin. But is that fair to her? Does she need to know? I do not want to tell her to make myself feel better. I want to tell her to close the chapter on lies and let her know that I stupidly learned what my vows mean to me after I said them. One guy is getting married ina  few months and I backed out of the celebration and advised him to do the same - to learn from my mistake. Honestly I think the friendship is over the way he looked at me. What I am asking as I am going in a circle is - what is better for my wife - to know and decide whether to go on with me but to have to feel pain or for me to learn from my mistakes and be the husband I should have been. I was actually going to go ask a priest but who would know better than other women?

[Happy2girls]

As you can see it is very hard for anyone to tell you what to do not really knowing you or your wife.  It is probably correct to say that the chances are pretty good that your wife will find out.  She can find out from you or she can find out from someone else.  I personally would rather hear it from my husband.  The thing to always remember is that it's not the telling or the not telling that will be detrimental to your marriage, it is the cheating and you can't take that back.  I think you have to make an honest effort here to right a wrong as best as you can and take your lumps.  Marriages do survive this and you seem to be on the right track.  Get some insight from a professional who has dealt with this situation.  Again, good luck.      

[laura1977]

I gotta say I disagree with you on this one.  Lie's have no place in a marriage!
This isn't like he had one fling, he did a bunch of stuff.
Heres the thing, what happens one day when him and his wife decide to go out with his buddies and their wives and start drinking, well one of his buddies wives starts talking to mridiots wife, and opps it slips that mridiot did some cheating.  You can't tell me that his buddies haven't discussed this with their wives?
Seems like people are shooting down the female on the other post who kissed another guy and not her husband, and yet you guys are telling this man to lie to his wife.
Double sided it seems.
If he doesn't tell his wife, then hey she doesn't know for awhile then they end up with a couple of kids on top of this mess, oh and then she finds out later on.  Now they have children involved, and the children are in the middle.  Wow, kind-of makes no sense to me.  Right now they have no children, and they can sort out stuff.  

[RockRose]

Yes,  Laura,  if he's truly changed,  keep a past lie secret.

It doesn't help anyone to tell it.  

[Happy2girls]

I think there are valid points to both sides of this coin (telling vs. not telling).  First I want to say that you do seem very sincere in your regret as well as your love for your wife.  These are very good things.  Guilt is an awful burden so I do think that you need to get rid of the guilt, you had mentioned talking with a priest, this would be a good start in helping to aleviate some guilt.  It's my opinion that you need to talk ALONE with a marriage counselor before talking with your wife so you can sort out not only your reasons for your previous behavior but also your motivation in telling your wife.  You need to understand that your expectations may be far different than the reality if you do choose to tell your wife.  The thing is you may choose to keep this from her but she may find out anyway and leave you or you may decide to tell her expecting forgiveness and she may still leave you.  There is no way you can control the outcome.  You just need to do your best to FORGIVE yourself, understand the reasons for your behavior, keep on the path to bettering yourself and finally to accept the consequences of your mistakes.  Make it a commitment and a priority to make it up to your wife, she deserves it.  Then you'll know that no matter what happens you did your best.  Good luck to you and your wife.    

[laura1977]

omg I can't believe a female actually stated to a male that he shouldn't tell his wife.  What, live a LIE?  I don't see how that would help him or his wife.  That is just stupid.  He's done enough lying, and needs to straighten up his life.  One day him and his wife are going to have children probably, at least right now it's just the two of them and hopefully it can be worked out.  
What is a marriage with this huge lie floating over it?  Come on now mridiot you should know better then this.  That is completely the easy way out, and if you do that you aren't setting things straight.  Remember...............she will end up finding out if there is other people that know.  People do talk!  You wait till she gets told by someone else, you can bet it will probably be over.  You have your chance, if you are really a changed man as you state, and if you love your wife as much as you say you do.  Then tell her.
You can do what you want with your life, but I am a married woman and if my husband were to cheat on me and I found out without him telling me I would pack my stuff up and leave while he was at work.  I would still leave if he cheated, but it would be alot better if it were him that told me.
Heres an idea, go ask your buddies what you should do, and then do the opposite of what they tell you.  Don't hide behind a lie, you will harm your marriage for years to come.  Get it out and get help.

[mridiot]

Ironically, I know very little about my parents except that my mother had me due to an affair. I actually did not know that until recently. She then gave me up to go on with her life as if the mistake never happened. I used to think my Mom gave me up because she got pregnant young. You are right - I do not want that for myself. I want more. I want a real family / marriage. I've worked so hard to have more; through jobs and school and yet the most important area I gave no mind too. I used to think that one day I'd see my Mom and she'd realize what she just threw away. That was my drive through most of my schooling. I wanted to see her when I was an estabished Doctor. Luckily I do love being a Dr so it is not as if I choose something I hate to make a point. But meanwhile I was acting no better than her. Thank you Rockrose, your words mean alot. You and I have alot in common, we both help people everyday; just in different ways. Signed "changed man"