New Boyfriend Way to Dominate, verbally abusive

[Kinswoman]

I need some advice, I am a 44 he is 45. We began dating the end of July.With in 4 weeks of meeting him,I got laid off from 1 of my jobs, Started checking into going back to school. I didn't really think anything of it,just figured I would use this time to get to know him better,We really hit it off.Although he was wanting me to move in.I still had a job where I lived.& didn't know him well enough to move in.7 weeks I had emergency surgery. He was mad that the surgery wasnt where he lives.Or recouped at his house.The day before he wishes death upon me.He was turned away at the hospital.He was talking so bad to me,I didnt answer. at times more than 230 on my cell alone.I have pics to prove it.He didn't come & see me until mid Nov.He has threatened to end the relationship over this.He knows that I love him,am not ready to move in.or get married he is so dominate.He asks me something,when I respond,he gets mad, even though he already knows the answer.Is this just to judge me?Moving in is one,using my truck.Why is it such an issue? should it be? am I wrong to say No?Is is so hard to understand needing sometime to get to know him?To see if we were are compatible,You know after the shine wears off.Was/is that too much to ask?I am a good woman who has a job,pays her own bills,& her share.My heart is already gone to this man,although I don't think it's healty.Playing games & getting made when you won't do as he wishes.Why is this? To be nice when getting your way and your a ***** when he isnt What causes this to happen? Is there a solution?The verbal abuse is getting worse.

[katarina777]

I also appreciated your comment, aaron.  It was very kind, and you really thought about your words, and there was nothing arrogant and you really listened to
Kinswoman's problem and put much effort into your advice. Your thoughts have a 'freshness' to them that make it very special. I am not sure whether she heard you or not, but I want you to know that I heard you and listened. Thanks for being who you are. kat.

[katarina777]

I want to thank you for your comment, even if it was not meant for me. But it does not sound like the woman you are confiding in about your own situation in order to really help her, (and you took a risk by doing so), has the empathy that you have for her, and I have for you.

I really appreciate your comment, and I also tennd to comment in very personal ways, and from my own experience. i think it is the best help one can offer. Plus, yours was the only comment that showed some understanding, and you mentioned that your heart goes out to her.

I also have what you have, in that I learn much from my own comments and not only thinking the thoughts but speaking out the words loud.

I myself also have empathy for Kinswoman. i don't really appreciate the comments who basically say: "i think you have mental problems and just stop the drugs and binging because you are responsible and too old for this and you know what's going on and it's up to you to change, and it's so damn easy, i don't know why you bother us with this ****."

perhaps the comment really did not sound that good, and it did sound immature, but this is why she is asking for help and it's the best she can do the way she does and I can see beyond the superficial stuff, and how painful this is for her. it's always so easy to give advice, but i have also found myself in situations where I just did not know the obvious, and I did not know better, and I certainly did not just have a choice. there are very few people who have the freedom of choice and that kind of control.

last, most of us at times have mental or emotional issues, and as jerika says, the one who grew up in really dysfunctional families do especially and 'choice' is often not in the picture. mental and emotional issues are very real just like physical issues and issues of the soul. it really makes no difference that a person asking for help here has emotional issues or not. what matters the most is when 'wiseguys' like one in particular thinks they are smart enough to make a diagnosis, and totally unwise in their contribution to destructiveness.

[extrmeski]

OMG I can't believe how many of these types of postings that I've read.  Honey not all guys are like that.  From a guys point of view these boys have never learned how to be men and how to treat women.  Think of it this way, if you were to have kids together is this the role model you would want your son to have??  wake up and run away!

[Willswifey9307]

You need to move on with your life. Your a 44 yr old woman you have no excuse to be foolish. If hes verbally abusing you now do you actually think things will get better or worst. Honestly you need to get a back bone and leave this man. I'm tired of hearing women complain about what their going threw when its very easy for you to get up and leave this situation!  If your already paying your own bills and living alone then it should be simple to ex him out of your life. I seriously have no sympathy on any woman going threw your so called problems or that's your age. You live and learn and hoepfully you will learn to move on. If not then I wish you the best. Any man that wishes death on his woman does no give a F*** about her.

[jo929]

I think deep down you know the reason that you do not want this to go any farther, because you have posted all of the reasons, why it shoild not go farther, try reading your post, as a stranger, you will know that moving forward is the best thing to do    luck  jo

[Jerika]

Hello,  my heart goes out to you, for I am in the same boat as you are right now.  I have met a man whom I thought was "wonerful" back in May.  I am already going through a divorce after being married for 12yrs. to a verbal abuser.  I finally got the guts to move out and on.  Then I meet Bill.  He said all the right things "I'll never treat you like that", That is soo wrong" .  Then the C word happened and just the other day the B word happened and now it's F this and F that.  I realize that men coming from a background of poverty like yours probably did and so has Bill, poverty, low self esteem, not very educated, I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture.  I feel that we are drawn to these men because of issues that went on in our childhood.  In my case my parents divorced when I was 6yrs. old and the only memories I have of them are the constant verbal abuse and my sister and I pulling my father off my mother by his beltloops after punching her in the face.  Maybe this is stuff that we remember and think that it is normal for us.
Heck, I don't know.  But I do know that my heart like yours is in love with Bill and I am trying to do whatever I can to help him right now.  But, a big and huge but, I need to make sure and realize that if it doesn't help him and he refuses to stop the name calling and the cussing then it really is time to move on.  I really need to take my own advice.
I do love him, and I'm so attached.  I'm scared also of what he will turn out like in the future especially since it's only been a few months now and look at what he's done already.  Think about the short time span and what your guy has done already.  Alot more bad than good.
What do we do????  Hope I've shed some light for you.  Maybe I did for me.
Love, Jerika
and God Bless

[222]

You sound really unhealthy in terms of mental health. This post has a tone of "trashy", "winey" "pathetic" on your part. Leave the loser man and get help. Take responsibility for your self and grow up. Stop the drinking and/or drugs or food or whatever it is (I know there is something) . Get a good job and pay your bills, this does not make you a hero, just a normal person. Take some classes, improve yourself. This post is just annoying. Immaturity on your part, low IQ I do not know, just get some help.

[Aaron1]

Hi i'm only 18 and male but i'm going to try and awnser this the best i can so here goes.
I don't think this kind of relationship is a healthy one because he definatly doesn't have any respect for you which i think is very important as if he doesn't treat you with respect how can he love you; although i think everyone deserves to be treated with respect whether you know them or not.Personally i belive when you love someone you would care about them treat them with respect, kindness, compassion, understanding and trust them and not judge them and to me it doesn't sound like he is treating you in this way.I do agree with people who say you should leave him but ultimatly it is your desision to make but i've read a bit about domestic violence because it's one of my hates, although it has never happened to anyone i know, but the way this guy is treating you is usually how it starts.I hope this helps and thanks for reading my comment-Aaron

[Trialanderror]

This is how stalkers start out, too. Be extra careful and break off any kind of contact. Get over the feeling of love and believe what the other posters said! Good luck!

[RockRose]

What is it,  except his viciousness,  that seems attractive to you?  You haven't mentioned one single quality that would be endearing,  you seem totally drawn to a sick,  mean,  angry man.  

Why is vicious attractive?  Why is it MORE comfortable to be with a vicious person,  than no person at all,  or better yet,  a good guy?

You're an adult,  I guess you can do what you want.  I never do understand people who can clearly see how worthless their partner is,  and do a good job of describing it,  and they don't have any desire to leave.

Best wishes.

[PlateletGal]

I look forward to the day when you come back and post in this forum and give advice to other women in the same situation that you are now.

Control is NOT love. It is about power.... just like the crime of rape.

[pertykitty]

run now. dont look back. if you live in different cities then that is on your side. he is not going to get better. like platelet said he will most likely become physically abusive. its time to take charge of your life and end this. i didnt hear one good thing about this man from you, and even had you said something good, the bad out weight it by far. take care of yourself.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

If medically professionals refused to allow him access to you, don't you think that is a HUGE clue that this guy is no good?  They obviously were concerned for your safety, you need to leave immediately.

[PlateletGal]

He is now verbally abusive and let me tell you that if you move in with this man, he will more than likely become physically abusive.

This is not love and you do NOT need this in your life. I've been there and done that and will not do it again.

Please get away from this guy.