Can't trust girlfriend

[hmduisc]

I can't trust my girlfriend. She doesn't do anything to make me unable to trust her, but every day I have to battle back and forth in my mind to convince myself it's okay to trust her. 4 years ago I was completely used by a girl, one of the types that always has a new guy to give them attention. It devastated me. My entire world fell apart and I was in a deep depression for 2 years. Since then I haven't been able to trust anyone deeply. I get along with friends okay, but when it comes to a girl, I can't. I found a way to make sure I don't get hurt: don't get close to anyone. Well, I managed to get close to my girlfriend, and now I'm struggling.

Some days, I'll spend time with my girlfriend for most of the day, and everything will be fine. I'll feel safe and secure, and I'll tell myself "See? She cares about you. It's okay to trust her. You don't have to be scared". But then the next day, one of us will be busy and we won't be able spend any time together, and things start falling apart. First I get sick to my stomach, and then my breathing gets heavier, and my shoulders tense up and I feel a pulsing feeling of anxiety in them. After that I start sweating. I start to think things like "she's talking to someone else and not me" or "she's busy, and that means she's forgetting about me and going to leave" etc etc, until a few hours later I have completely pushed her away in my mind. I start to feel in control of the situation. It starts to feel so much easier to just not talk to her and not worry about it. I tell myself I don't need all of this stress and that I should just not even speak to her anymore. I start to relax and all my panicking symptoms go away and I feel fine.

I go along in my day just fine like that. But then she'll send me a text or something saying hello, and the panic sets in again. I get extremely sick to my stomach, almost to the point where I am about to throw up. My shoulders tense, breathing gets heavy, etc. I feel like I just don't want to talk to her. I don't want to be around her or hear her or anything. I just want to leave. Sometimes I try to fake that I'm feeling fine and nothing is wrong. After a while the panicked feeling calms down, but it stays a lot of the time too. I get really quiet and introverted and keep telling her nothing is wrong and that I'm fine. For some reason hearing her ask me if I'm okay gives me some kind of satisfaction. I don't know why. Maybe I just want the attention. That makes me sound so pathetic ):

There are times where it's too much and I can't fake it. So I just distance myself and end up leaving. But then I start to feel awful. I feel like I ruined it and she's not going to care about me anymore because I'm not with her. The cycle starts over.

I don't know how to deal with this. I don't think I can tell her this. I'm afraid she would get scared off and not want to be with me, or that it would really upset her. I can't keep doing this. It's so much anxiety and stress, it's endless. I'm trying, I'm really trying so hard to trust her and be open around her, but I'm so scared to get hurt. I just keep pushing her away at the dumbest things, like not hearing from her for a few hours.

I really don't know what to do with myself. I love her, but I can't convince myself she loves or cares about me. I don't want to leave her because I think it would make things worse for me (and her), but it's so terrible living in a state of fear of being abandoned all the time.

I tried to write in a journal when I feel these sorts of emotions and it seems to help calm them, but I need something that is going to help me permanently. I need to be able to trust the people that I love, and not be scared they're going to leave me and hurt me. I just was hoping that someone could give me some tips or advice on how to stop being so scared like this. I feel like such a pathetic loser. I can't tell anyone the truth. So I came here.

I'm sorry for such a long post. I hope someone can read through it and help me. I just can't keep living this way. She deserves so much better than what I give her, I want her to be happy, and not have some boyfriend who's as messed as me. I want to be normal. Please someone just help me.

Thanks.

[specialmom]

I agree with Rockrose.  I think that speaking to a professional may help you with this anxiety.  You will feel so much better if you address it!  Anxiety is highly treatable and talk therapy may help you sort out your feelings.  good luck

[RockRose]

You are VERY smart to know you shouldn't tell her this,  although I'm sure you really want to.  There's nothing un-sexier than an insecure jealous guy,  and great of you to keep that hidden.  

I think you need therapy,  that might involve anti-anxiety medications for a short period of time,  and aversion therapy to help you learn to calm yourself down while thinking your worst fears.

You're half way there to healing by just knowing this isn't okay,  and it isn't okay to share this and ruin this good relationship you have going.

Best wishes.