Not sure if husband is faithful

[kathy1029]

I recently found out that my husband has been talking with a woman who used to work with him on his cell phone.  Her husband still works with my husband.  Apparently this woman and her husband were having problems so she called my husband to talk about this.  I confronted him about this and he said absolutley nothing had happened between them, they were just talking on the phone. As I looked over the phone bill it wasn't everyday--may be once a week. I'm still really ticked off about this and I would love to confront her. I believe my husband that nothing happened and I think he realized that he screwed up.  My first husband cheated on me so I'm a little pararnoid that it could happen again.  We have a good marriage other than this problem.  Should I forgive and forget and not confront her or call her and tell her to back off.  There may be a good chance she may go back to working with my husband, which he said he'll have her put in a different department.  Thanks for any advice.

[BearHitch]

It was just a suggestion.  I thought her post said they were all friends- if that's not the case, I guess I wouldn't randomly call up someone and offer advice.  

[slow_healer]

To the original poster, this sounds like a tough situation considering your past experiences. It would be difficult to NOT feel paranoid. But paranoia doesn't always reveal truth - sometimes it just breeds more paranoia. And it doesn't sound like your husband's actions have been too fishy - he may simply be in an uncertain situation with his coworkers. Even worse, if he is aware of your insecurity (which is for good reason), he may have been reluctant to tell you KNOWING how upset it would make you. It still doesn't mean he's done something wrong.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably tell my husband that I don't mind him helping his coworkers in an awkward place in their relationship, but I would be happy if he could restrict himself to helping her so that she can start depending on her husband again (and less on him). I would remind him that if the situation were reversed, how would he feel? I'm sure if your husband is faithful to you, then he won't have a problem maturely ending the personal part of this relationship with this coworker and, in the future, restrict their interactions to work. Good luck.

[peekawho]

Hahahahhahaa!

Seriously, even if its all innocent, I can hardly think of a worse situation for your husband to be in, than in the middle of a man he works with, and his troubled wife who might also come back and work at the company.  It makes me shudder to think of how it all could unfold in a way that could harm your husband.

What do men use for brains??? Oh wait, don't answer that.  I think I aready know...

[Trialanderror]

Haha...that is a good idea. Call her "I heard that you are going through marriage troubles. I can listen to you. I am a woman in a very stable marriage and have lots of advice. Number one: never call my husband. Number two..."

[BearHitch]

I agree with hyon and peek- I do not think it is a good situation to have your spouse counseling a woman who is having troubles in her own marriage.  I agree that it is unwise to get involved in such a thing, just as it would be for you to give counsel for a man you knew who was having problems.  I completely echo things that peek said, like if he insists on helping her.  Otherwise, I think it is a little too soon to start worrying about an affair going on.  He may not have thought the effect his actions could have on a woman in such a situation- he may think he is just reaching out and being a friend, but if she is emotionally empty in her relationship, that could become something quite a bit more.  I woudln't approach her- instead, I would reach out to her myself and try and help counsel her- free up your husband from such a thing.  Good luck!

[peekawho]

I also think its not terribly appropriate or necessary for your husband to counsel a woman who is having marital problems.  Maybe once, if she was generally asking "does my husband do this or that at work" (since your husband works with her husband).

But its unwise, inappropriate, and unecessary for your husband to get involved in this very personal situation involving the wife of someone he works with, and who also might be coming back to work with your husbands company regardless of which dept.  

Talk with him honestly about the ethics of getting involved, if nothing else.  If he still insists on "helping" her, then I think you have a right to be suspcious.  

[Trialanderror]

I think it IS fishy. I am sometimes on the phone with male married coworkers to discuss tricky work situations and I keep it farily short but if your husband tells you SHE needed someone to talk to about her marriage problems, it sounds like the usual b.s. I do not discuss personal problems with any married coworker unless I have a very personal relationship with them and that is just not the case if they are married. Also, if he sees the need to place her in a different department, why? Is the attraction too overwhelming? I had a coworker once who started calling me privately to discuss work issues and it turned into something weird at the borderline of phone sex. Even though married, he thought there was nothing wrong with it as it was not physical but I really had to put him into a different department as well, meaning not taking any more calls from him. So her needing to discuss her marriage with your husband would make me wonder. That story has been there too many times before.

[jim62]

You're not paranoid?????????

[jd1419]

Re-look at the phone bill--can you tell if they are incoming or outgoing calls--if they are incoming it is she who is calling and it is probably that way with her asking your husband (what is my Husband upto today) he said this and I want to make sure he is telling the truth...more than likely that is all that is going on is the other wife looking for validation to her points and your husband being a nice guy listens to her and then lets it go.  If he is thinking transferring her to a differnet department if she comes back to work--it is probably for the fact that he knows to much of her history with hubby and does not want to talk about it at work with her and feels uncomfortable with what he knows.  Tell him it is okay for him to help out a friend but to let you know when she calls so you can hear the advice he gave her and let him know if there is anything he should say to her or her husband. trust your man until he gives you a solid reason not to.

[hyon]

I have to actually DISAGREE with everyone.  I have been in situations that your husband is in, and trust me..those situations breed emotional affairs.  If nothing has happened and he doesn't intend to do anything, why is he so quick to say he will ask her to apply to a different dept when she starts? I think that sounds fishy.  I am not paranoid and no one has ever cheated on me. I let my boyfriend do whatever he wants...but obviously he's not on the phone with some woman regularly.  Honestly once a week sounds like a lot. and u never know..it might be more (different numbers). regardless if you're uncomfortable then he should just end phone calls with her. It's so easy to have emotional affairs that people think it's okay.

[chellybeans]

i think you need to let it go. i have several guy friends and i also have had my friends boyfriends call me on ocassion, whether it be to make plans for all of us, to ask about an issue or just get advice.

unless there is more suspicious behavior you'll just offend her and make your husband think you don't trust him. don't let another mans indiscretions affect your husband now. as hard as that is, and boy, do i know.

if my signifigant other pitched a fit about me talking to someone on the phone i would be pretty upset with for not trusting me and my judgement.

[mami1323]

I would worry if the calls become more frequent but if they've only talked like once a week than there really isn't anything suspicious about that.  Maybe she just needed a males point of view but it doesn't sound like anything and as long as your husband knows when to put on the brakes than I would say it is just your past insecurity rearing it's head.  

[Mother of bailey]

I agree with RockRose, u dont want to fly of the handeal at ur husbands co worker..It sounds like he is helping a friend..

Good Luck!!!!!! Valerie

[April2]

I think it's too soon to tell if he's having an affair, especially if the only evidence you have is that he's talked to her once a week on the phone. It's very possible that they are just friends. I do have guy friends too. I also have friends who were having marital problems and I talked with my friends husband more than once because he would listen to me, possibly because I tried to see his side in things and not just stick up for my friend. I showed him that I could understand his thinking and frustration, etc. This in turn gave my friend more of an insight to her husband because he opened up to me, an outsider who wasn't so emotionally involved as they were. Of course I was never interested in him romantically. I was just trying to help my friends marraige. It could be something simular with your husband. He may be honestly trying to help a friend out. However, if you start seeing other things, like him disappearing all the time and money being withdrawn more and him acting more secretive, then I would say it's time to be concerned. Tell him that you would be more than happy to help and talk with this woman too and see what he says. The fact that he said he'd put her in a different department is encouraging. It sounds like he wants to please you and not make waves. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you don't mind him talking with this lady but ask if he could bring her over to the house and let you both talk to her. See what he says to that. I hope everything works out for you all. Best wishes.

[RockRose]

kathy - I don't understand what the big deal is.  She called a couple of times,  she's the wife of your husband's co-worker and used to be a co-worker of your husbands herself.  It sounds like this happened a couple times.  

Unless you have other reasons to think he's cheating,  I'd just think maybe he's a supportive type guy she could talk to during a difficult time.    If you call this woman and tell her to "back off" - how embarrassing would that be for your husband?