Not sure what to do

[learnandlive]

My husband and I of 4 years have been fighting alot lately.  And when we fight, we don't talk.   We go for days and not say a word, and than a couple of days go by and we slowly just start talking.  No about the fight but as if nothing happened.  I wait for him to say he's sorry and he never does.  We don't have that love and effection relationship anymore.  We say good night and I love you but that is where the effection stops.  We make love oh maybe 1 a month and sometimes is goes longer.  When we argue, I find myself feeling I am so unhappy with the relationship/marriage.   I love him, but I feel that we are more just friends than husband and wife.   Because he has a past, I find myself doubting his words.
I don't want to feel this way, I don't know what to say him to anymore thou, because no matter how many times I say, your choosing this over us, or it's destroying us; it nevers seems to matter.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[teko]

Communication is the key to a successful anything. Acting as if nothing happened harbours resentment and anger. So while both of you may be trying to keep the peace by letting it go, it is only building up to the inevitable. I would suggest you convey to him, that you will no longer let it go.  You give each other space to calm down and then come back a few hours later and discuss what happened. Do not enable him to do this. You must be the one to put a stop to it.

[mamadiva26]

sorry i think i did.

[learnandlive]

Hi, I think you took both my forum and Heatherlynn22 and combined them.

My husband doesn't put me down;  we are fighting because of drinking/driving.
He doesn't talk about my mom; he loves her to death;

[learnandlive]

I hear what you are saying.  I think time apart will do us good.  I think with him being layed off we are around each other more.   Our biggest arguments are over drinking/driving.  I am totally against it.  This past weekend we were at a cookout and after drinking all day he choose to go to a bar.  When I called and told him I was leaving he refused to come home.  I told him that this was destroying us and he doesn't care and I honestly can not tell you what time or how he got home.  Sometimes I wonder if I"m over reacting and just being emotional because it's my menstrual cycle or what.  But, as I sit up in the bedroom, I cry because all I want him to do his to say sorry and know why I'm mad.  I just don't know what to do becuase I do love him; but I'm not sure if I'm 100% happy, does that make sense?  I think time apart is what we need to see if absence makes the heart grow fonder or drift further apart.

SO confused :(

[learnandlive]

Last night he didn't come to bed either.  When I came home from work he had dinner in the oven and clothes almost done.  But we still haven't talked.  All I want for him to say is that he's sorry and understand why I'm mad.
Counseling;  that never came up in our conversations;  but when and if we talk maybe I will suggest that and see what happens.  How are things on your end?

[mamadiva26]

WELL ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THE PROBLEM WILL ONLY GET WORST. I DONT THINK SOMEONE WHO SAYS THEY LOVE  U WOULD PUT U DOWN AND MAKE U FEEL LIKE S%#T, HONESTLY I DONT THINK COUNSELING WOULD HELP. HE TALKS ABOUT YOUR MOM , WHEN SHE NEVER DONE ANYTHING BUT HELP.  ANOTHER THING U GUYS ONLY HAVE SEX ONCE A MONTH, COME ON  , I THINK AS A WOMAN UR WORTH MORE THAN THAT. LEAVE HIS ***. U DESERVE BETTER AND WILL MEET SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE U FOR U , ADORE EVERYTHING ABOUT U. I KNOW U MIGHT B USE TO HIM . BUT THE ONLY THINK I FEEL IS GONNA HAPPEN ARE MORE HEALTH PROBLEMS. EX. DEPRESSION,MENTAL ABUSE,ETC. HOPE THIS HELP U AND WHO EVER ELSE IS READING THIS,

[mami1323]

Perhaps some time apart can determine whether or not your feelings are love or comfort.  But it sounds to me there is a real lack in communication.  Fighting is a normal part of a relationship but when there is no acknowledgement of wrong doing or discussion of what the argument was about then there can be no real growth in the relationship.  You will just continue to argue about the same thing since there is no resolution.  It's not a healthy relationship to ignore your spouse.  I sugges couples counseling to work on communication.  But the want has to be there, the want to make the relationship work.  You need to really re-evaluate what you want from this relationship or wonder if it's time to give up.  That is up to you.

[heatherlynn22]

i know exactly how you feel. i get very emotional and any time i even try to bring up our problems or issues he turns them all around to being completely my fault or he  just starts screaming at me. so i don't even like to talk to him anymore. he didn't sleep in bed with me last night and i could care less anymore. after he told me he hates me and is thinking about a divorce his behind can STAY on the couch.

it's not healthy. for either of you. have the 2 of you thought about marriage counseling? *sigh* i'm not even sure if marriage counseling can help us.

[learnandlive]

I only had 2 serious relationships, my husband being my second.  I love him, but I'm not sure if I'm in love with him anymore.  HOW can I determine the difference?  Some times I wonder if I stay with him to keep him on track, afraid if we seperated he would go back to his old life style.
He's much older than me, but our communication is just not there.  I'm not one to initate and when I try to talk I get all emotional.  I mean sometimes it already feels that I'm by  myself.  
Just ***** because, we use to be so compatiable for each other.  I once could say we never argue, but now that's all we ever do.  It's at least every other week.  And I hate the not talking about the issue.  This can't be healthy for me.

[heatherlynn22]

i know how you feel. my hubby told me he hated me today and if i "can't learn to take a f%cking joke" he's divorcing me. his idea of a joke is smacking my elbow while i'm trying to eat, flicking my boobs (which are sore and i tell him this he doesn't care) or (he KNOWS how self conscious i am about my body now) jabbing me in my love handles. or just saying mean and nasty things. he's always saying nasty things about my mom (i NEVER say a word about his mom. i have too much respect and love for her than to talk behind her back). this woman has done nothing but helped us. volunteered to babysit, been there for me, the boys and him when we needed it. if i don't initiate sex....i don't get any. he'd rather sit on the d@mn computer looking at porn than going up to our bedroom and trying to have sex. he gets mad because i'm not happy. well HE is the reason i'm not happy.

we have also lost the love and affection from our marriage. it's not even like we're friends...we're roommates who happen to have kids. that's what it feels like.