Pregnant 14 yr. old....

[MissLesa]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, however, I did go to the teenage preg. concerns and it seemed like it was a bunch of kids wondering if they were pregnant...so I thought I would come here for some advice.

My  14 yr. old step-daughter is pregnant. Believe it or not but we weren't that surprised when the test came back positive because she had been living with her mother who let her sleep over the boyfriends house. About 2 months ago when we found out she'd been spending so much time with the bf, her father (my live in BF---great guy) called up his ex wife and demanded that #1..she stop spending so much time over there and #2..she be put on some kind of birth control. Now before you start thinking "why didn't you keep her with you"...we tried. The mother said she would have us in court, and the 14 yr. old said " living with us is LIVING HELL" and she would make our lives miserable and start cutting and hurt herself. We also have my BF's other children living here (13 &16) and she disrupts and influences both in a negative way (espec.the 13 yr.o) She is very manipulative.

The mother up until 2 days ago had been living in a welfare hotel and we could not understand why the 14 yr.o would rather live there instead of our home where she would have her own room, great school and everything! Well, we soon found out that her mother lets her smoke cigs, curse with no regard and that she had been expelled from school...so this kid has been living with no rules or guidance. The 14 yr.o would only contact us about once a month because she said that's all the time she can handle being with us...lol...her father was so hurt!

So...she called the other day and asked if she could come and stay with us..no problem...she then confides to me that she and her 16 yr.o bf broke up and she might be pregnant. I got her the test and it was positive! I CANNOT tell you how shocked I was! The next day we told her dad and he went and got her mother to talk about this and the 14 yr.o wants to keep the baby...no abortion...no adoption...she's going to raise it herself!

We live in NY and the laws state that you cannot force a minor child to do what they don't want to do...so guess what..."we're having a baby"! Her father and I are besides ourselves because we will be the ones raising this baby because the 14 yr.o is so irresponsible and lazy (not to mention the financial aspects as well as the emotional ones) and the mother has a 6 yr.o that she can't take care of, no job, no car and if she doesn't get her **** together she'll be right back at the welfare motel!

Ok...this is where we pretty much stand and after all this, I really did have a question...lol. Is there ANYTHING we can do to convince this kid otherwise? Is there some kind of program that can give her a reality check so she knows what's in store for her future? It's soo hard for me to understand that we as parents have no rights...PLEASE HELP!

P.S...we told her that since she's pregnant there will be NO SMOKING, no running around with her friends and she's going to start a proper diet. She has a doc appt. tomorrow....

[Trendam]

This story is almost exactly like the one I am experiencing myself. I have a 14 yr old step daughter, who has been left unsupervised and has been given the option to live as a grown woman for about four years now instead of a child. Mid December my bf decided to finally threaten full custody to get her to live with us to try to intervene before she ruined her life. Well that worked without any legal involvement being taken. She still goes to her moms house every weekend and one day a week for a few hours. We found out close to three weeks ago that she is pregnant. She is 14 and in 8th grade. Her mother has let her ruin her life by wanting to not parent this child but to be a friend to her only. Her 16 yr old bf doesn't work, robs people, constantly in trouble with the law, is physically abusive to her, etc. This is knowledge that the bio mother has knew all along, but allowed her daughter to lie about her where abouts after she came to live with us while she was supposed to be at her mothers on the weekends. Come to find out we have been being lied to every since she has been here and has been allowed to stay the whole entire weekend at her boyfriends house, which is the reason why she is now currently pregnant. I am so frustrated with this whole damn situation and cannot fathom what would make a mother allow a child at 14 to ruin and wreck their future without any concern. I have a 16 yr old daughter and I just don't get it, never will. I can completely relate to this situation 100%, I am heartbroken for her. They just don't have the mental capacity to understand this isn't a game but reality in just a few short months will unfortunately give them this wake up call. My bf has custody of three of his other children from a different relationship and I have helped raise them for the past five years along with my 16 yr old daughter, a 8 yr old son and 3 yr old twin boys that me and my bf have in common. I completely understand not wanting to raise a grandchild and wanting to enjoy some of your own life, I feel like I am being selfish myself by putting my foot down and saying I will help with whatever I can mentally and physically but I will not raise this child, her mother will be held responsible for the decisions she has made. She will take care of her child as long as it is on my watch, she is lazy and just really cares about her bf as well.  I am very anxious and scared of how this will all play out. I know if she had the choice she would go back to her moms, but her mom no longer wants the responsibility of raising her daughter because of the circumstance that her poor parenting has created. Its almost like she did it on purpose to her so she could live the same exact ****** life that she has. I am sorry for the rant, your story is just the most similar to my situation right now and had to vent and share myself.  I do see that this has happened several years ago and I truly hope that your families situation has been one that has turned out for the best. We hope to be at that point, we will continue trying to do the right thing and hopefully everything falls in place like it should in this situation that was something that was totally unavoidable.  

[roxy562]

wow! what a problem. as parents you guys have to guide her. her dad should talk to the MTB  boy friend and even his parents for him to step up as well. it takes 2 to get progo, she didnt do it on her own. she needs to understand that you guys are helping enough already, its her mistake so its her responsibility to take care of HER child. if she thinks she is old enough to have sex then she is old enough to take the consequence that come with it! in this case is a child.  im mexican, and in my people a girl who turns out to be prego she is on her own on everything!!!!!! your daughter is lucky, you guys are giving her roof, a place to stay for her and her child, transportation etc.

she is pregnant now so there is no looking back now. whats done is done.


it must be very hard for you guys to be in a situation like this one. your family will be in my prayers!

[imanaddict]

All I can say is I'm sorry you both have been put in this position and I pray that everything turns out okay. I want to commend you both for being responsible parents and trying everything in  your power to do the right thing. I know how frustrating this is for you and I hope I never have to be in the same position with my daughter. With that being said, I also think tough love is the way to go. While you may not have any legal say so in what she does with the baby, you DO have a say so in what SHE does while she is still a minor. I don't know if your stepdaughter has ever seen the show on MTV called "16 and pregnant" but it may be an eye opener for her. Another piece of advice is to let her do everything herself (for the baby). She will need to be the one responsible for this child, along with her ex boyfriend. I know she is limited on what she can as far as a job, but there are other things she can do like babysit or walk dogs, etc. I feel for her, I really do. The role model she has had her whole life is her mother who isn't much of one at all and her lack of parenting is what contributed to this. Speaking of her mother, but she has threatened to take you guys to court, but with what $? She's on welfare and has money for a lawyer?? Any judge in their right mind would hand over custody to you guys in a heartbeat, so if that is what you guys feel is right, it would be in the girls best interest to do so. If she starts threatening with the cutting, tell her that if you find any cuts on her body, you will have her sent for a psychiatric evaluation and the cops will be called. That would be putting the baby in danger and you will not stand for any kind of cutting or harming herself.

My prayers will be with your family.

[AHP84]

I really hope she gains some sort of reality and common sense about this. It seems right now, she's in baby fantasy land when she thinks of going through with the pregnancy and keeping the baby. She is still a child; gosh, my sister is 14 years old and I can't even imagine her becoming a mother, lol.
You've gotten some really good advice here on how to handle her behavior, and I do hope she is able to come live with you and get out from her mother's care. Please consider calling social services if she does stay with her mother, because that is no environment for an irresponsible, clueless, pregnant 14 year old girl to be or to raise a baby. It's a disaster waiting to happen.
I wanted to add a few things that maybe you could say to her to give her a better understanding of the reality of raising a baby and a child. Go through these scenarios with her, if you haven't already. She is 14 years old, and what I know of 14 year olds, these aspects of parenting are probably way more than she's bargaining for.
Has she ever dealt with "exploding diapers?" They are not fun, especially when they happen in public and there's no place to change them, or yourself for that matter. Is she up for carting around a slimey, smelly, poop-covered baby? Is she willing to wear poop and puke on her clothes and smell nasty for however long it takes before she can change? Because that WILL happen.
How about vomit? She'll be cleaning up a lot of that, and it's not just for the baby years. My five year old and my 4½ month old both had a stomach bug last weekend, and I swear I cleaned up about five gallons of puke between the two of them throughout the day. My five year old attempted to make it from the living room to the kitchen trash can and left a trail of barf on the way all over the carpet. And just so she knows that parenting is not always flowers and roses and cute babies cooing and little kids saying the darndest things, there is a nitty-gritty side to it all--the true labor of love, lol. My poor boy ate some french fries for lunch and in the trail of puke he left on the carpet, I had to pick out the pre-digested bits of potato so they wouldn't get mashed into the carpet. Oh yes...parenting is not for the faint-hearted! It takes a mature person, preferably an ADULT with a stable life to be a parent.
Does she like to sleep? If so, then is she willing to be up all hours of the night with a screaming baby who either has colic, ear infections, stomach aches with vomiting and/or diarrhea, teething pains, diaper rash pains, fever, or whatever? Because that WILL happen, and probably almost every night on and off for the first two years. I was up for three hours in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago with my screaming, teething infant, and had to go to work the next day. Does she realize that whether or not she's up all night and dragging like a zombie the next day, she will still be required to go to school and hand in assignments that are due?
Is she aware that no matter how sick she feels from a cold or strep or any other illness, the baby is still going to be demanding her every ounce of attention at any and all hours of the day when it's in her care?
What does she plan to do for feeding? Will she breast or bottle feed? Either way, she needs to be aware that her baby can develop allergies. If she breastfeeds and the baby is allergic to dairy and peanuts for example, that means she can't eat ANYTHING with dairy or peanuts, which will limit her diet significantly. If she formula feeds, the baby may have to go through trial after trial of different types of formula before finding one that suits its digestion without problems--and in the meantime, she'll be dealing with a baby who's crying, fussing, hardly sleeping, going through 15 diapers a day, puking everywhere, has skin rashes and breathing issues (wheezing), constant congestion, ear infections from the congestion, etc. Or acid reflux; many infants have this problem as well, and it is miserable. These are very, very real possibilites and she needs to get a clue. Not to mention that there's SO much more, including the bit about having almost no social life after the baby is born.
I agree with the other ladies that trying to persuade her into adopting out the baby is the best option. At this point in her life, she is not ready to be a parent. But I also would not recommend abortion. This could significantly damage her emotional state while it's already fragile from the instability she's living in with her mother, having practically no boundaries, discipline, or responsibilities. She would probably never admit it, but I'm sure that gives her a huge sense of insecurity, and an abortion would only add to that with potential guilt and shame in herself. If she can be talked into adopting out the baby, she needs to see adoption counselors to coach her through the emotional aspect so she'll be okay.
If she does keep the baby, she is going to need a major wake-up call in this brief window of opportunity in the next few months, and I only hope and pray that hers and the baby's health don't end up at risk.
Best wishes to you all, and I hope this all works out and she can come live with you and find that stability, discipline, and reassurance that she so badly needs in her life right now.

[MissLesa]

Thank you for commenting and yes I do agree with you, baby's are a blessing! I'm not sure if you read the whole post but we have resigned ourselves to the fact that she is having it...no abortion, no adoption...

As far as keeping her away from the bf--well there's a couple of reasons why we are trying to stem the contact with the bf...

1. that's ALL she cares about! Getting the bf back and being a happy family.

2. the bf's mother is not a person she should be around right now...she's already causing
    problems because she doesn't want her son to be with my step-daughter and she's
    not exactly classy nor tactful in making her opinions known. I'm sure that you understand
    that the last thing she needs is more stress...very harmful to the baby!

3. she's 14 and while she's young she needs to put the babys need first...NOT the bfs.

4. MTB is going to start making things right for the baby NOW, not when it's born. That
     includes working (what she can do), not hanging out with her friends and bf.

5. The bf ALREADY has another girl he is seeing...so again we are trying to lessen
     the stress on the baby. I'm sure you know how dramatic teens can be.

6. we have no intention of keeping the baby away from the father AT ALL. As a matter
    of fact the bf needs to get a job and start worrying how he's going to support his
    child! And not be in a love triangle! Ridiculous!

I am very happy to hear that your sister is doing the right thing, however, our daughter has yet to prove that to us and when she does her life will get better because if she's doing the right thing we will help her in all ways possible. But right now all we have is an extremely obstinate child on our hands that has already proven that she still comes first. Thanks.

[raquelplus2]

btw im sooo sorry if i cam across rude or anything...its just my family has been there with my sister and even tho my sis n babys father arnt together hes still a good and active dad in his sons life and supports him financially and my newhew needs his father just like every kid does. but iam sorry if i did* best of luck guys

[raquelplus2]

ok now my younger sister got preg at 1d as well. she wasnt wild or anything at all n my nephew is 1 and my sister is agreat teen mom and puts him first at all times and really responsible. i guess she was 1 of the good teen moms. but i DONT think you shld keep the babys father her bf outa her life and forbid her to see him or be around him. thats just dumb ya shes young and made a huge mistake but the reality is shes preg its happening n thats that.and i also think that trying to mke her get an abortion or adoption is not the way to go at all it is her choice regardless the situation. now i also think she shld defintely stay with you n her dad its 1. a better enviroment for baby 2 b raised 2. stability 3. you guys will have control on her. right now is def the time to be tough and firm rather she likes it or not. i wish you all the best of luck in the future but remeber its NOT the end of the world its a baby a blessing. for some reason this baby was meant to happen and be here. goodluck i hope all goes well!!! and just remember please dont keep her or the baby away from the father of that baby worst thing you could do!!!!

[specialmom]

Oh, I feel for  ya. This is a big undertaking and one you didn't necessarily sign on for.  I'd make it my mission to make this girls life difficult for now.  I probably sound mean but sorry------------- I say you are not going to a birthday party.  You aren't going.  This is a girl that is used to getting her own way and she'd be under lock and key.  I'd look into what you can do legally to control her.  I sound really tough . . . but she is only 14.  A child.  A child having a child.  I'd get her information on adoption and present it to her after a couple of months of seeing life is going to be very different.

Ya know, I had a baby.  My whole life changed and I get no breaks (well, I exagerate, but you know what I mean.)  She needs to know that at 14, her social life will end with a baby.  Keep telling her and show her now what you mean by that.  

I'm afraid of a disaster on your hands with her.  So if she can't adopt, I'm thankful that you and your bf are there to save this child.  It takes a special person to do that.  You are special for considering it.  Hard stuff.  Keep communication up with your bf so this doesn't become an issue between the two of you.  Ugh.  

[MissLesa]

This is step-mom...

It's already starting! We had a talk with the MTB (mom to be) and we told her she is not able to see the bf and attend his 17th birthday on the 25th and she pitched a fit, said she WAS going to see the bf and then proceeded to slam the door...Lord help us all!

I first wanted to thank everyone for all the wise advice, we are too close to the situation so it's making it harder to do and say the right things without wanting to strangle all involved! lol...

Your advice is being followed, however, tonight MTB is going to her mothers but MTB's father (we'll refer to him as C) called the mother and said you know she's better off here with us and if you're a good mother you will convince MTB the same. He also said that if there are problems there will be consequences...he believes she understood the veiled threat. We have come to realize that there is going to be a baby and now we are just trying to have the healthiest baby possible.

We are also taking the advice of MTB "working" around the house" (she can't do much more she's only 14) and starting a baby fund. We are taking a proactive stance and if we need to we will take guardianship of the baby or whatever we have to do to insure this baby gets everything it needs.

Honestly, I can't believe this is happening and it's gonna take some time before I can really wrap my head around this and actually be happy about it. Ya see, I'm 43 and my kids are 23 and 21 so I was well on my way to finally having my own life. I met C about 2 yrs. ago and he has 3 children and I was perfectly willing to help him raise his kids, as a matter of fact, I'm very close to his kids but now it's another ball game. So it's taking me time to get over the shock and also realize that now there's another child to raise. I know I probably sound very selfish right now, but honestly, I wasn't expecting these turn of events....

Please keep coming with the advice, it is much needed and appreciated. Thank you.

[specialmom]

I think you do NOT let her stay with her mother.  The point of the next few months is to show her how her life will be changed by this decision and that she is no longer in charge and "just a kid".  It's over once you are pregnant ------------  no matter how much she doesn't believe that.  And if the goal is for her to make this child available for adoption (best for EVERYONE) ------  then the next few months are critical for showing her how life isn't going to be so hot at 15 with a baby.  School online, no friends or boyfriend, and she must earn a living.  She also will NOT have live in babysitters------- make this clear to her.  This is the only way for her to see right now that her options are limited and one is the best.  Of course, this is just my opinion.  And if she is choosing to stay with mom and all . . . well, a call to social services on the situation is in order.  Her mom is not parenting at this point.  Her 14 year old daughter smokes with her while pregnant.  Start an investigation into how supervised this girl is with her mother if need be. Not fair for you to have rules in place, bio mom does not and then she shows up later for you to clean up the mess.  

Now I get that it would probably be easier to just let her stay with her mom . . . but you have only a few months to have her see the light.  
Just my opinion.  I'm sure this is beyond hard for a parent.  Good luck

[penswriter]

Look deep down inside...and think. This is no longer about your daughter but about that baby. You must do what is best for the baby. Will your daughter get the proper prenatal care? Be reminded to take her prenatals? Make every appointment? (since she's a teenager her appointments are even more important b/c teens tend to be at a higher risk for health problems for not only them but also the baby) will she quit smoking? running around? drinking? (if she does) if she refuses to stay with you...seriously consider contact child protective services. that is not a healthy environment for her, the 6 yr old child or an unborn child. if they get mad at you...let them be mad. the safety of the children is what is important.

as far as you guys raising the baby...how do you feel about having another child? is it something you would want to do? if it is...and you don't think daughter will be a good mother or  can't handle a child yet...what about asking her to sign over her rights and letting you guys legally adopt the baby? that way you will know that the baby is getting the best in life and not having to worry. if not...talk to her about adoption. a 14 yr old just can not support a baby. she can't get a job, isn't in school (she wouldn't even be able to become a manager at mcdonalds...even they require high school diplomas)...the baby is getting the short end of the stick with her. i'm sorry if that sounds mean but...she's not what's most important anymore. that little life growing inside of her is. she was able to put on her big girl panties and make the big girl choice of having sex...now she has to make some more big girl choices when it comes to her child. her flesh and blood. and honestly, in my own personal opinion either you two adopting the baby or an outside adoption would probably be best.

[MissLesa]

Hello all, this is the Dad of the 14 year old.  Fisrt, I want to thank those who have taken time out of there day to help shed some light on this for us.  Me and my wonderful GF have been reading through these responses and are in agreement with the tough love approach.  After the fisrt response we realized there are few options for work for her so, we decided that she could become the new maid.  We both know where my daughter and her baby are going to end up with us in our house.  The problem we are confronted with is what to do now.  Now she wants to continue to live with her mother and half brother in a one bedroom apartment.  The mother also thinks this is a good idea because that's where my daughter wants to live.   But, I know her mother is not going to make her live by strick rules.  Do we let her go with the mother until that is not an option any longer;  then, deal with the damage done by the mother afterwards?

[penswriter]

specialmom is 100% right.

it's time this little girl learned some tough love and that the world doesn't revolve around her. if she plans on keeping the baby she has to realize her life is over. no hanging out with friends whenever she wants, no sleeping in or staying up late, no vacations anytime, no shopping sprees. her life is that child now. i think the extreme rules are a WONDERFUL idea. if she can't handle cleaning a house...how does she intend on taking care of a baby? and she does need to realize that this little life she is bringing into the world is not an accessory to play dress up with. it is just that...a life. a child that will be dependent on her for every little thing.

if she's not prepared for all of that...adoption is definitely a good idea.

[specialmom]

Ugh.  Double ugh.  Triple ugh.  Those are all technical terms to let you know that I feel for you.  

Clearly this child has had an unsupervised, unstructured  lifestyle and really the idea of her being a parent is a little much based on how her mother has been acting.  Her role model makes her think that kids are accessories as she has been treated herself.  I hope I don't sound too harsh but boy do I feel horrible for a little innocent baby being born to into this kind of life.  

What is it you'd like her to do?  I think adoption is a wonderful thing-------- Catholic Social Services is a good organization to work with and there are many private ones.  I think I'd have a heart to heart with her.  Here is the deal . . . the law says you can't force her to do anything.  But---------- her life changes.  I'd tell her that she has to finish her education on line, no going out with friends, since she is 14, she is limited with what she can do for work outside the home . . . but she can be your new maid.  She must clean the house, do the dishes, take out the trash.  If she does not, she goes to her mothers and you call social services and have her served papers for neglect.  You don't want to do all of this . . . obviousy.  But she needs to see that she isn't bringing home a baby doll.  There are things to consider.  Unless you are willing to raise this child as your own, then you need to her to see adoption is the best answer.

Her future will be carved in stone with this.  And it is not the greatest.  I'd stick to the extrememe rules.  Really----------- no friends or boyfriend.  She starts working for you.  Her life is forever changed and it starts right now.  If she can't handle that---------- she needs to place this baby up for adoption.  

I'm speaking bluntly because I just feel too terrible for this new life that is being born into chaos.  So sad.  I wish you luck as I think you will need a lot of patience to deal with this all.  

[Ashelen]

no...honestly you cannot force her, and SHOULD not force her to have an abortion. what you CAN force her to do is take some freaking responsibility. she can be required to get a job and contribute to a fund for her baby's future...you can have her be the one in charge of finding furniture, clothing, equipment, etc for the baby...and if you're going to help her get established financially, you give her a small budget for these items and tell her if she blows it that's it. the other option is...she adopts the baby out. she has two choices, "cowboy up" and start doing things NOW to prepare for this child, or she can adopt the baby out. tell her that you will not be raising HER child. you're willing and happy to help her, financially, emotionally, what have you...but that you require an effort on her part because it was HER irresponsibility that led here.

I would recommend you not be confrontational about it. you can even sit her down and ask her "what do you think is fair while we get ready for this baby? what do you think you should contribute, and what do you think you want us to do to help you?" and when you're done with that conversation...just walk away for a few days. hold on to what she says to you, think about it, and work out some sort of a compromise that doesn't get her fur up or she'll never make an effort...14-year-olds are stinkers that way. but make sure you come back to her a few days later and say "this is what we think is fair for us to do to help you with this baby, and this is what we think it's fair for YOU to do."

I'm sorry you guys are stuck between a rock and a hard place...but I Think that forcing her to an abortion is the wrong idea. you may be able to talk her into it, but trying to force her to make her feel like that's her only option will not only cause her to resent you, but it may become something that she regrets for the rest of her life and it may destroy whatever self confidence and image she has....so I would say that you may just have to let go of that option.

You also need to look into getting the father to start contributing financially as well. once the baby's born and you can prove paternity, you need to already have all the paperwork in order to file for child support. your step-daughter can be a part of the process preparing for this, so have her take a proactive stance.

honestly this battle may not be as hard as you're expecting it to be...even a 14-year-old will find that pregnancy and childbirth changes their life. don't give up hope that she'll come around and do what's necessary, because once reality begins to settle in I think she may begin to change faster than you can believe it.

Good luck