Relationship without a sex life

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 4 years and are recently engaged. We live together, it is stable, we are mostly compatible. We have no, and have never had, a real sex life. 2-3 times per month is probably the average throughout our relationship, and that may be generous. There haven't been any times of greatly heightened frequency and we've never even had sex twice in a day. Part of it is that sex is painful at first, but she has also recently told me that she doesn't really care or think about sex. She has only initiated sex maybe 3 times in our entire relationship and has no interest in trying new things. She won't communicate openly about it so that we can pinpoint the issues and make it better. So basically we seem like good roommates rather than a couple now. I've let these issues slide mostly because it is the first stable relationship I have been in and I really care about her. Previous relationships have had good sex lives but the girls were out to hurt and manipulate me at times.

Recently I met a girl that I have a physical, mental and emotional attraction to. She is exactly the kind of girl I always wanted to meet and I find myself liking more things about her than I do my girlfriend. She is more intelligent, interesting, warm, creative, principled, ambitious, passionate and she believes that sex is an important part of the relationship, as do I. She is in a similar situation, but has been in it longer so it is worse for her. We have not had sex, and will not as long as we are with our partners, but we do talk and sometimes kiss. Talking to this new girl makes me want to leave my girlfriend and not want to enter a passionless, sexless marriage with her. I'm not banking on being with this girl, I may just end up alone, but I don't know if I should stay in a relationship with a girl who has no passion in her life and isn't interested in sex or pleasing me in any way. Any thoughts?

[iam1butterfly]

Sexuality is an important component in most relationships... and, there's nothing wrong with being in tuned with what you want and what you need in your sex life.
It's what is called being honest with yourself... and, being honest with your significant loved one. It is also a reality that should have been addressed in the early stages of the relationship if it was, indeed, a "deal-breaker"... not in the 4th year of a courtship that has already resulted in an engagement for marriage to someone who has neither been "interested" nor has been able to "please" you to your satisfaction. Most likely, your girlfriend's nature will never change in this area.

If you stay in the relationship, learn to live without the fireworks and passion.
My recommendation is to gently tell her, now...  that you're not right for her.

[perch101]

The dating and relationship you have before marriage is the time when you find out if somone is compatable with you. Then, if you are both happy in the relationship you get married - 'the rest of your lives' is a long time.

You have found that your fiance is not compatable with you in the bedroom - so really you have two choices. Marry her anyway and try to be happy having minimal and infrequent sex, or break up with her and try to find someone who is more suited to you in this area.

Sex is an important part of a relationship to me too - and I have to say this would be a dealbreaker for me. I think if you went ahead with the marriage you would probably find that you get more and more resentful at the lack of sex - which does not bode well for a happy marriage. At least you know now so you can make an informed decision.

I agree with iambutterfly - you need to gently tell her that you are very unhappy with the infrequent sex and that you dont think you are compatable as a couple. Forever is a long time. What are both your ages?

[teko]

In most relationships the physical attraction is strongest during the early years of the relationship, waning as time goes on. Keep in mind that if this is what it is now, your going to get it less later on, unless she is just a late bloomer and develops an appetite for sex later on. Have you talked to each other about sex therapy? Sounds like some incompatibility issues on that front and with a little therapy, who knows?

But if you are kissing and emotionally connected with someone else my friend, you are already cheating, just not the physical part and that is not far off.

[specialmom]

Oh okay.  I'll  just say it.  You are already cheating on your girlfriend.  Hanging out, talking, emotional connection and kissing-----------  equals cheating.  This is not the right thing to do whether you have sex with the new person or not.

You've been with your current girlfriend for 4 years and perhaps it has run its course.  You should love her enough to break up with her properly.  Before you do that, you need to take a step back from the other woman.  After you are broken up and she is broken up from her long term partner, maybe you will resume.  But if you keep doing it behind your partner's backs, this cheating will taint your relationship forever.  Relationships that start before the last one ended have an extremely high fail rate.  So even if you aren't willing to hold off until you are broken up from your current girlfriend for her sake (as it is really painful to be cheated on)----------- do it for your own so that your infidelity doesn't haunt you.  good luck

[RockRose]

Speaking as a woman who met my husband while I was engaged to another man in a MISERABLE relationship,  I am a firm believer that until you are married,  you're not committed.    You're still in the trial period of the relationship.

But I do agree that you shouldn't start a relationship with this new woman - if you ever have a relationship with her - until you are broken up from your fiance.

You should consider the two things separately.  

It's a bad idea to enter a marriage with two completely different sex drives,  if the one without the sex drive isn't willing to be generous and just do it anyway,  cheerfully.

So. If you break the engagement do it because you've decided the two of you aren't compatable for life.  Not because you want to jump off into this new relationship.  

[SunshineDan]

Thank you to everyone for your advice. I told my fiance about this other girl a few weeks ago. My friends thought it would be self-serving to tell her, but I did anyway. She hasn't really had any kind of strong, outward, emotional response to the news. I think she feels an ego blow more than anything. She doesn't bring it up, if I talk about it and our relationship problems she just kind of agrees with me. She's sort of used it as an excuse to go out and do stuff she wanted to do anyway, but now acting like it's to help the relationship - like she is taking a pole dancing exercise class that she's talked about taking for over a year now. I know that sounds like she's making an attempt, but it's really more about her, which is perfectly fine. I come home every night miserable because the situation is unresolved and she won't address it. If she was showing effort and showing that she cared I would probably just stop talking to this other girl. Sometimes when I think about it, the saddest part about leaving her would be potentially losing our awesome apartment. That's sad.

And yes I know what I'm doing with this other girl is cheating. I feel awful and this is something i've never done and i'm usually the near perfect boyfriend, but feeling passion for someone again is incredibly appealing. I've spent a lot of time telling myself that the lack of passion doesn't matter because everything else is fine and I usually favor doing what is practical than what I actually want to do, so this experience has made me feel a bit more human. I'm 25 by the way, so is my fiance. If it is already like this with us I feel it will only get worse. Things slow down for people, but the sex life has always been slow and awkward. There are worse things than living without sex, but right now it is a depressing thought.

Also, it's not something that I haven't tried to address in our 4 years together. I have always tried to communicate about it in a constructive fashion and have remained optimistic that it would get better. It has been recently that she told me it isn't something that she is interested in and she feels too lazy to really care about it. I foolishly thought that getting engaged - which we had planned to do for a long time - would jumpstart things, that maybe the limbo of the relationship had made her apathetic. Things have only become less passionate since and there has been virtually no attention paid to our relationship. She is excited at the prospect of getting married and would spend a lot of time looking at dresses, locations, etc., but I would bring up these issues and she would ignore them and go back to looking at wedding stuff. I was kind of offended by that. I can't fault a girl for being excited about wedding planning, that's just their thing, but I had told her after I proposed that I wanted to seriously address these issues.

[specialmom]

Okay, quit making excuses and all.  Honestly, it doesn't matter that you tried, etc.  You want out so end it.  You owe it to her because maybe she'll be more passionate somewhere else or at least meet a man that loves her as she is.  Doesn't she deserve that?  So end it. (and yes, that was creepy to tell her about the other woman so SHE would end it for you------------  you need to be a man here).  It happens----------  the end of long term relationships even when we haven't started up something with someone else already.  By the way, I do also hear a lot of blaming of her.  It doesn't help nor does it excuse the cheating.  So just end the relationship and put yourself (and maybe her and she doesn't know it yet) out of misery.  good luck

[Redhenful]

Why not be a man and just end it? Why keep cheating on her? How cruel...
Marriage or not... you're cheating and you know it.
Do the right thing... stop being selfish and keeping her on the line until you can get what you want from this other chick.
Has she cheated on you? What has she REALLY done to deserve you cheating on her?
Just move on... and let your girl move on too to find a man that is worthy of her trust and love.
Because trust me..she WILL move on and find a man that wont cheat on her. :o)

OOh..by the way... i truly hope that this new girl is as great as she seems to be... because common sense should tell you thats rarely the case.  Good luck!

[ammanda]

I honestly wouldnt have sex with you either.. your a lying cheating a**hole...

Break it off with her, its obvious that u dont care at all but the comment about only worrying about keeping your "awesome apartment"  how immature... you two are already 25 years old.. your wasting her time, and taking her youth from her..

If she dont want to sleep with you, then she dont want to, you cant change that, if you cant accept her then you need to move on,. and quit blaming her for your excuses to cheat

and Redhenful is right, I hope u have thought about this, cause no girl is that perfect, she may seem that way cause your not with her, but bet the moment you got with her, her true colors would show, just like 4 years ago, you probably thought your girlfriend was the most amazing girl in the world...

Committing and loving someone, is accepting them for who they are and loving EVERYTHING about them. even if they dont suit you.. LET HER GO!!!!

[SunshineDan]

Hmmm... thanks for all the mean comments. I posted on here because I thought people were helpful and non-judgmental. I was very confused and had never been in this position and felt horrible anyway. We talked everything out and broke up.

[ammanda]

We are a bunch of ladies, we cant help if you come on here talking about how your treating a woman.  you are cheating on her and stringing her along. we were not trying to be mean, until towards the end when u made it sound like you were blaming her for you cheating...  Im glad you guys ended it... now you can both move on

[specialmom]

Sunshine Dan, I do apologize if I came across in a rude way.  My comments were meant to start you thinking.  In general, moving on is the best thing for you and your long term girlfriend.  I'm sure it still hurts you as at one point you loved her.  You did the right thing here.  I hope it works out for you in the end and you find the happiness you are looking for.  good luck.

[penswriter]

You did the kindest thing for her. Leaving will at least save the heart ache if you kept cheating after marriage.

[Libby2999]

For the womans point of view, I dumped my boyfriend cuz he wanted to makeout a lot. I didn't care for it. We just weren't ment to be. I don't have much of a disire to get physical with him but for other guys they turn me on and I start to dream about sexuall fancies with them. Ne'er actually happens but still fun to dream about. I think that's the key to a dating relationship.

I would hope shed talk about it but she may just feel uncomfortable and might be thinking "I'm suppose to like this but why don't I? Maybe I should just let him do the work..." I felt like that to. Please before you go off with this other woman, tell your gf about how you feel and give her some time to think about it before you break up. You can also still be very good friends even if you do breakup. Still invite her to dinner as friends. If she's grown up enough shed exept the fact but not let it get in the way of your friendship.

Just don't start seeing other people till it's through otherwise you may not even have a friendship.

[iam1butterfly]

I didn't think that my comments were mean-spirited... but, if they came across as such, you have my sincerest apology. Take care and good luck, Dan.

[teko]

Nor was my advice meant to be mean spirited, but it sounds like the situation has resolved itself, and probably in the only way it could have. Good luck in your future. I think it must be a relief to get it done and over with.