Relationship

[zincami]

Boyfriend and I went out of twn for 2 days. His ex from 30 years ago, they have kept in touch over the years, phones him in my presence.  He does not answer and I inquire why he did not answer the phone call not knowing who had called.  He indicated he did not feel like talking on the phone and it was none of my business.  He did not tell me at that time that it was his ex.  I asked him and he admitted that it was and she is probably calling about some test results.  She currently weighs 75 pounds and must use a walker to walk any distance.  We are all in out late 50s early 60s.  He commences to telling me when I asked if she knew anything about us being a couple and he indicated she did not know abot our 9 month relationship, bu I know about her and generally he keeps me informed of her medical condition when I ask him.  We all  live in the same city.During our conversation he indicated she is a bit crazy and jealous and in her world she thinks that they have a relationship.  When I asked him what type he did not answer me.  He also stated that she has these same fantasy thoughts with her other ex boyfriend who sees her on a daily basis.  Needless to say I was not happy that this girl had no idea I existed and couldn't help but wonder why he had not told me about this fantasy previously.  He stated she is sick and did not want to upset her.  He stated if he spoke with her I would have diced and took apart their conversation piece by piece,but I reminded him that he had called her and spoke to her for 20 minutes in my presence early on in our relationship and I never said a word.  He was afraid I would interpret things said as something other than was meant.  I also recently felt he had become more emotionally and sexually distant and had asked him about this the week before.  His answer was that he was doing the best that he could and maybe in the future it would get better. He broke it off with me saying this was not working between us and I have this hole in my heart.  Was I out of line or was he?        

[zincami]

Just an update he did leave me a message today saying he knew that I was sorry.  He did not wish to discuss the incident. It was water under the bridge.  He wished me a safe road trip to the east coast andstated after I thought about it I could call him and talk. We were to meet on the east coast in about a month for some road trip travel 2gether and possible picking a spot to find a house to rent and live 2gether.  Your thoughts on any of this would be appreciaated Annie.    

[zincami]

Thank you for your message Annie.  Hopefully I have learned something from this experience.  By the way I did leave a message apologizing for the incident on his voice mail.

[AnnieBrooke]

In our 50s and 60s, a lot of other people have been in our lives, and we might indeed still care about a lot of them.  That's part of being human, and is a sweet part of it.  Expecting him to hint away someone who is sick in hopes that she will stop calling is just not gracious.  (Realistically, if she is seriously ill, how is she a threat?  It doesn't sound like he wanted to date her.  If he is a smart man, if you are this way about someone who is down to 75 lbs. and in a walker, he's going to look forward with concern about your reaction if he runs into an able-bodied and well-preserved ex who he still generally likes.)

I'm sorry that he said it was none of your business in a way that hurt your feelings.  A lot of what you are writing here, however, seems like you've been more or less keeping emotional score already, and it  sounds like this conversation was just the finale of a series or conversations.  If he did not giddily announce to all and sundry that you're dating and he's deliriously happy, I'm sorry again.  It really sounds more like you wanted him to feel a certain way as demonstrated by his behavior, versus just behaving a certain way, but you can't make someone feel that way if they don't, or act that way even if they feel it.   If he didn't (for whatever reason, avoiding trouble with a crazy ex being a good reason), hinting to him or parsing out conversations at length with him weren't going to inspire him to feel it.
It sounds like he's been pretty clear that it is over, but if you ever do get another chance to try with him, you should decide whether his style is something you can live with or not, and if not, look for a man who is emotionally exactly what you want.

Good luck!

[zincami]

I see your point.  It's just coupled with the emotionally connected problem the week before I guess it made me feel that he was more emotionally attached to her and therefore could not be more emotionally attached to me, which of course hurt.  I just don't understand when he got the call he just didn't say it was her and left it at that.  But to say to me with a tone that he did not want to talk on the phone and it was none of my business just did not set right.  Why not just say it was her probably calling with test results...I know she is ill and have never said anything about their calls.    

[AnnieBrooke]

I do think you were out of line.  You should not have acted like a teenager if you are in your late 50s.  It's too bad he thinks you would have diced and taken apart the conversation piece by piece, but that's sure what you did after he didn't answer the phone, so maybe he has it right.  

I have an ex-friend who is super-crazy now, probably manic depressive though I don't know, and I would be happy to know how to walk the tightrope with her (being distant enough so she doesn't think we're best buddies but not so overtly rude that she starts stalking my house, which I'm kind of afraid she's capable of).  My husband gets impatient that I ever talk to her when she calls, and mostly I avoid her, but sometimes she catches me and it is not easy to find that balance so she will leave me alone.  (The risk is that she will get obsessive if I start to brush her off more clearly.)  Given that experience, of trying to stay civil to an old friend who is no longer entirely easy to know, makes me empathize a bit with what your boyfriend was trying to do.  

In your shoes, I would have simply sympathized with your boyfriend in his difficult position.  I would not have chosen his refusal to answer a phone call to demand to know why he has never told her you are in his life.