Sexless marriage

[Battered]

I am married 46 years old man for last 13 years. I once cheated my wife five years ago with a prostitute and devoped urethritis. This was the only other woman I had sex other than my wife.  HSV -1 IgG is positive. HSV -2, HIV, Gonnoreha, Chlyamadia, Syphilis and other STDs are negative. I revealed this to my wife about the encounter with the prostitute. She is not willing to have sex with me since I have HSV -1. I told her to get herself tested. She is unwilling to get tested. Please advise.

[Nighthawk61]

You chose to cheat with a prostitute 5 years ago, so there was something wrong with your relationship in your eyes back then. Whatever the problem was then, it still needs work now. So i too suggest that you and your wife attend therapy to figure out what the problem was and work on that. The fact that you chose to pay for sex instead of working on your problems 5 years ago, says to your wife that you are more about sexual release than lovemaking. That would turn off any women. That's what you need to deal with. Whether you are capable of becoming a man that is about having a personal relationship that includes lovemaking as opposed to what you have shown, that any women will do for your need for sexual release. The Herpes is a secondary issue to the main subject, whether you can change your tune enough to allow your wife to believe that you want to only make love to your wife and live a life that includes total monogamy now. I too believe that your motivation is more about being able to have sex at home, and not that you are truly rehabilitated. I hope you and your wife find your way back to each other with the help of a therapist and hope that you keep us updated about how the process of therapy is working for you. All the best. Please remember that while you may be feeling "battered" it is your wife that has been the recipient of your cruelty. Don't forget who the victim is here. (saying nothing of the fact that you used another women for sex which is like rape,  regardless of whether the prostitute needed to sell her body for money, it still hurts prostitutes to be used by men).

[specialmom]

HSV 1 is oral herpes and I think the percentage of people that have that from childhood on is really huge!  Really.  You could have had that before you went to the prostitute and she could have it totally unrelated to that unfortunate incident.  That's a fact.  

However, she is probably still dealing with the fact that you cheated.  And her distrust that perhaps you have done it again.  And maybe still trying to punish you for it.  Or having a hard time getting back on the wagon after a long break.  

Would she see a therapist with you?  I think this would be the very best thing to help work through that issue if you can.  Go deep with her, it's about more than just the herpes 1.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, whether or not she will have sex with you, it seems she should be curious enough to know if you have given her anything.  You might point out to her that your interest in her getting testing is for her own sake, not because you want her to be reassured that it is safe for you to have sex with her.

My guess is that she's angry that you would cheat and hasn't entirely unwrapped it all and the relation to the HSV-1, it's just all bundled together for her.  Being angry, I think, is a justifiable reaction. (Bad enough that you broke your wedding vows, but with a prostitute?  It's like saying any old vagina including those with a medical issue is as good as hers.  That is an insult.)

I am not saying that you are obliged to go the rest of your life without sex, but probably if you want to have sex with this particular woman ever again, you'll have to demonstrate that you are sorry for the prostitute thing.  (Right now, you don't sound that sorry except that it got you banned from the bedroom of your wife.)  Are there kids?  If not, and if you can't find a way to get her to forgive you, you might have to consider splitting up and finding a partner on whom you aren't tempted to cheat.