Sexual Impasse

[SteffiSue]

Hello, I am a 48 y.o. female married to a 52 y.o. man for 2 years.  We dated just over a year before we were married.  He has genital herpes, and I do not (recent bloodwork confirmed).  We had unprotected sex for several months before he notified me about this disease.  Once I got over the shock of being misled about his sexual health, we talked about taking steps to protect me, yet he won't wear a condom ("can't climax") or take supressive therapy ("too expensive/don't want to take a pill every day").  I feel that I have made a mistake by being talked into having unprotected sex, and I have never felt comfortable about the risk.  I do understand the risk statistics, but the fact is that I just plain don't want herpes.  I have approached the subject occasionally, but he refuses to budge on the issue.  Push backs include everything from "herpes isn't all that bad" to "the religious right makes it out to be worse than it is because they don't want people having sex".  To add fuel to the fire, last year, I went off the birth control pill to alleviate perimenopausal symptoms, and at that time we talked about the risk of pregnancy (he has a child already, and we don't have any plans for children together).  Vasectomy or condoms seem to be the best option, but again, resistance from him.  So now, in addition to worrying about herpes every time we have sex, I worry about getting pregnant.   I am angry at my husband for continuing to put me at risk and refusing to take some responsibility, and my libido has dwindled down to nothing.  I even bought some female condoms last week - he didn't even know what they were, but he has shown now interest in trying them. Help!

[teko]

This is where you either care about protecting yourself or you dont. You cannot be talked into having unprotected sex unless you want to. Secondly, now you have to worry about pregnancy! The answer is simple. No protection! No nooky! Period!

And its up to you to enforce it and if you cave, you are the one with the problem.

[perch101]

You need to leave - he sounds simply awful - not caring if he hurts you? Forcing you to do things that cause you actual pain with guilt trips? Thats terrible. You can find a nice guy who cares about you and wants to give you enjoyment during sex............ not pain.

[AnnieBrooke]

Leave, sweetheart.  He does not care if he hurts you.  What kind of a life partner is that?

[jennykate]

First and foremost your health is most important! I don't care what type of foolishness your husbands u about it not being that bad...its herpes and it is bad and no wants that espically if it can be avoided. Your husband doesn't care about your health apperaently. I would say maybe seek some sort of counseling to discuss his irrational thoughts on you not being able to catch it, but other then that I would lay off unprotected sex w him!

[lovehope05]

I have been in this situation. I did not marry the man, but when we began dating, I had unprotected sex with him. He gave me the same excuse: he can't climax with them. I felt like to be with him, I had to do this. About two months later, I had herpes. He claims he had no idea that he had it and has still seen no blisters to this day. I got it so badly I had to be put on pain meds to control the outrageous pain of the first breakout. Also, I had flu like symptoms. It was awful. Then, I got pregnant. I did not have the baby. The whole thing was just a mess. To this day, he refuses to wear a condom or use any protection. To make matters worse, he really enjoys anal sex. In the beginning of our relationship, I really wanted to make him happy. So, I did it. It hurt. Then, I started to get bladder infections. I would cry to him, so he knew I was getting them. I stopped having anal sex with him eventually because I just couldn't take the pain and bleeding from the bladder infection. It was ecoli every time. Now, he makes me feel guilty and bad about not having anal sex anymore. When I don't feel like sex at all, he makes me feel awful. I posted earlier about this. While writing this to you, I am having somewhat of a revelation. Perhaps my sex drive has decreased so much because he has put me through so much pain sexually for his gratification. When I tell him anal hurts me, he just says that I didn't seem to have a problem with it before. He doesn't care that it hurts or that I was experiencing health problems because of it. Herpes *****. I am here to tell you. Thank God for Valtrex. Maybe we should both move on from these jerks. Apparantly neither cares about our well being.

[SteffiSue]

Thanks all for responding.  These are all thoughts that have crossed my mind.  It's good to hear them coming from others.  It was almost a deal breaker, and yes, he can be quite selfish.  Thanks perch101 by pointing out the implications for the marriage if I did get it.  Almost 3 weeks, no sex...I hope he gets the message.

[perch101]

This is really quite simple - he has herpes, you don't - therefore he needs to wear condoms to avoid you getting transmitted.

If he won't? No sex.

It's that black and white and that easy. It's up to you to put your foot down. If you don't and you get herpes imagine how resentful you'll be - it will ruin your marriage. It's up to you to protect yourself.

He sounds very selfish. He should be going out of his way NOT to give it to you.

Best of luck to you.

[AnnieBrooke]

I think the failure to reveal this would be a deal-breaker for me, not just sexually but I would for the marriage.  It would make me wonder what other things my husband has not revealed because he wouldn't get to have his own way over them if I knew.  At the least, it was a very ungenerous thing to have done to you.

[Redhenful]

Well.. then i guess your hubby dosent get any... period. None..nadda.. nope..
That would be MY answer to him if he wouldnt use a condom...
I trust that that he'll fold and wear the condom soon... lol