Should I separate from my husband?

[Saraphina333]

Hi.  I've been with my husband for 9 years, married for 6. We have a three year old son. I have been unhappy for a couple years now. He is very moody and I think he has bouts of depression and severe anxiety but won't admit it and won't get help for it. He drinks a lot instead, and gets angry at me and my son. He did hit me once before we were married. He knew it was wrong and never did it again although he's hit me in his sleep. (he's a sleepwalker) he has also been agressive with our son. He was so angry once when he was 2 he threw him down hard on the couch. My son loves him to death but is also intimidated by him as am I. I can't talk to him about things because if I don't always see things his way he gets mad and makes me feel horrible. I'm often happier when he's gone and it's just me and my son. I don't want to have sex with him and we've probably kissed 20 times in the last 6 years! I see that as a block of intimacy. Also I have an anxiety disorder which he doesn't understand. And twice when I had a medical emergency he refused to call an ambulance even when I begged him to. Very scary. Since I've been married I've struggled with an eating disorder and panic attacks. I know my husband loves me but he doesn't seem to understand my needs. So far he has refused counseling and won't stop drinking. I'm completely torn up inside and don't know what to do! I don't want to break up my family but I can't live this way and many of my feelings for him have died. Please help?!

[mami1323]

Do you see the cycle?  His father was this way therefore your son will wind up this way if you don't put an end to it.  No it's not his fault since his role model was a dysfunctional one but a person needs to take responsibility for their actions.  He can't use his childhood as an excuse for his behavior.  Yes, it's difficult to be different from your parent but it can be done.  Not every person who has witnessed abuse becomes an abuser.  My friend's father used to cheat on his mother all of the time, his son knew this and vowed never to be like him and he isn't.  But like megochick said, it's not your job to fix him.  And you can't.  People only change if they know they have a problem and want to change themselves.  For therapy on abusers, this change will take years.  Of course he can be sweet, or else what would have made you fall in love with him.  But just because someone can be sweet sometimes doesn't mean that that sweetness outweighs all of the bad they do.  His bad qualities will really affect your child in the end.  It's not like he's sweet and then his bad is maybe staying out really late when he's hanging out with friends.  His bad is aggressively attacking you and your child.  You are the one suffering from all of this.  As far as a trial separation, I don't think it will work because he will miss you and then beg you to come back with promises that he will change and you will go back and his sweetness will only last a short while and he will go back to the way he was before.  I do think a separation will be good for you as long as you seek therapy for yourself during this time.  If he choses to go, great but I think you will learn a lot about yourself individually.  You may understand why you allow this man to treat you like this and know you deserve better.

[Judy246]

Tell him how unhappy you are and would like for both of you to see a marriage counselor or a priest is also trained to help in marital problems. I agree with megochick, it sounds like a potential dangerous situation for you and your child.

[megochick101]

It is not up to you to fix your husband. There is nothing you can do to fix him. HE has to realize that he needs to change and HE has to do it for himself. Even if you both go to counseling he will NOT change unless HE wants to.

This sounds like a dangerous situation for you and your child and i would get out before something really bad happens.

[Saraphina333]

Sorry I had another thought. My husbands father is very similar to him in personality and abrasiveness.  So this was his model as a child; a man who was very insensitive to his wife a d still is. But I k ow he doesn't want to be like his father and he also has a very sweet and sensitive side that I love although my previous posts make him sound horrible. Right now I'm struggling with INTENSE guilt about hurting and abandoning him. Also I would feel bad about making my son leave the only home he knows. I fear for my husbands mental health if I leave...how can I deal with the guilt???

[Saraphina333]

Thanks to everyone for the responses. It is very good to have another perspective. I should clarify that he isn't always angry and we have shared many happy times. I guess all the other stuff has just worn on me over time. I do love him, but I also have anger and resentment toward him. Any time my son is with him, especially when i'm not there too, my son really acts out crying and throwing tantrums. Way more than with me. I used to think it was because I am Mommy, but lately it's been worse. If there's achance to save my marriage I want to try. But things can't stay as they are because I'm not happy. Does anyone think a trial separation might work if I can somehow get him I to counseling? I thought maybe if we were apart for awhile it would help me to gain perspective, and him too. Some of my old feelings might come back for him if I miss him. I'm so confused and I NEVER thought it would come to this! I appreciate everyones help and support.

[Judy246]

Also, if have read all of the above responses, we all agree that for your safety and that of your child you need to leave now.