Aa
So Confused .. PLEASE HELP!!!
I have been with my guy for 2 1/2 years now.. we got engaged 2 years ago in march actually. Recently we have broken up but got back together becuase I "cheated on him" well thats what he thinks. I guess I have a little different point of view. I was at a bachelorette party and I ended up making out with one of the girls.. it did get kind of intimate but it was with a chick.. Usually guys flock to that stuff. We were going to get married in October and the "cheating" happened at the end of september. we had to cancel everything. everyone cancelled plane tickets and everything. I have never cheated on himn with a guy.. nor have I done anything else like that before.. Another time he broke up with me is when I went wedding dress shopping with my girlfriends.. we went to a bar to celebrate on a sunday afternoon. I got a little wasted and we ended up at a strip club.. my mad got so mad he went over to a guy friends house and told me to pack my **** up and leave.. so I did.. but stupid me stayed and begged him to take me back. he didnt come home til 6 the next morning btw.. so I guess we've deffinatly got some problems. he has major attitude issues which set me off.. but I love him.. we're actually off birth control and not really preventing a pregnancy if it were to happen. I guess what I'm asking is how normal are relationships supposed to be? are they usually crazy like this.. he's so moody.. Hes also is in a financial mess ($50k) of Credit Card debt.. I find myself looking for other men. ones that are normal.. but then my man and i have a good day and life seems so wonderful.. PLEASE HELP!!
Marriage is hard enough under the best of circumstances, but your already having major problems and I would say seperate and try to work the problems out. Drinking never made any problems better, so think twice before you have one to many.
Dove
Dove
Of course it wasn't cheating. So you have no problem with him getting kind of intimate with men right? That is basically the converse of what your saying.
So far as strippers? Contrary to the the myth strippers are not all porn stars and hookers. In fact if they even date a customer at a reputable place you get your but banned from the club. And trust me for the hours they work and the pay they get it would take something different from the average shmo to make them give up that lifestyle.
But lady, you don't know what you want. I know he has problems but reverse the names and I see the halo isn't floating of your head either!
So far as strippers? Contrary to the the myth strippers are not all porn stars and hookers. In fact if they even date a customer at a reputable place you get your but banned from the club. And trust me for the hours they work and the pay they get it would take something different from the average shmo to make them give up that lifestyle.
But lady, you don't know what you want. I know he has problems but reverse the names and I see the halo isn't floating of your head either!
Lusie You do not say how old you are ,But it sounds like you are a little young or need to grow up before you take on the responsibility of marriage when you take the vows that will include being true to each other and until death due you part if you want to play around and you dont care what he does you really need to get out plus being engajed for 2 years and not married yet ought to tell you something when you play house no one wins marriage is forever lots luck jo also i would not want my man or woman to play around evev if it is with the same sex but then i am a little ole fashioned
As far as the debt.. I have talked to him about it.. there is a lot more to this relationship from his stand point..
we met with me thinking he was done with his relationship.. after he proposed to me and I said yes I found out that he was STILL married.. I have gotten over this and havent brought it up to him for a long time. I have forgivin him and have moved passed it. then I told him that I wanted to knwo if there was anything that I should be concerned about.. he said NO.. until creditors were constantly knocking on our door asking for him to comply.. he still didnt tell me how far in debt he was.. until I went with to file taxes.. I said we need to do something about it.. like make a plan to pay it back.. he says that hes done research on debt.. and gives all these excuses saying it will go away.. NOW WHAT
we met with me thinking he was done with his relationship.. after he proposed to me and I said yes I found out that he was STILL married.. I have gotten over this and havent brought it up to him for a long time. I have forgivin him and have moved passed it. then I told him that I wanted to knwo if there was anything that I should be concerned about.. he said NO.. until creditors were constantly knocking on our door asking for him to comply.. he still didnt tell me how far in debt he was.. until I went with to file taxes.. I said we need to do something about it.. like make a plan to pay it back.. he says that hes done research on debt.. and gives all these excuses saying it will go away.. NOW WHAT
In all honesty I think I would have reacted the same, but it would have been over for good. But I let it be known that I do not like such things; not necessarily by saying it outright, but by my actions and the fact that I wouldn't do such things to them. I don't think you have to exactly say some things, they should just be known. I don't have to tell my girlfriend not to do specific things that would hurt me because she knows things that I would not like, and I do the same for her.
As for his debt, if he really does have a financial problem and can't or isn't willing to correct that, then that might be the only good reason you listed for the relationship not being good or workable. But it should be discussed and see if it is a real problem or something he is willing to work on.
As for his debt, if he really does have a financial problem and can't or isn't willing to correct that, then that might be the only good reason you listed for the relationship not being good or workable. But it should be discussed and see if it is a real problem or something he is willing to work on.
I'm not saying he should be ok with it.. but the fact is he kicked me out of the house for going to a strip club.. would you agree that in a committed relationship he would have said.. I really wish you didnt go to the strip club and please dont do that again before kicking me to the curb??? he never told me EVER before that he didnt want me going to a strip club..
I agree with the making out with girls thing tho.. that was wrong!!
I agree with the making out with girls thing tho.. that was wrong!!
His insecurities?? I know that you may want to hear that he is bad and you are good and right, but here is the truth....You cheated on him. It was not ok with him for you to go to a stripclub or makeout with another girl, whether you see it as wrong or not doesn't matter really. For example what if he saw getting oral from another girl as "not really cheating", would it really matter to you if he thought there was nothing wrong with it?? You both have feelings and what may hurt him may not hurt you, and vice versa; but you have to respect and understand each other's feelings. Do you expect everyone to think like you do and feel the same about things as you do? If you think it is ok for him to go to a stripclub then that is your choice, but he doesn't think it is ok for you to go. So you can respect him and not go, or decide that stripclubs are more important than your relationship and leave.
And to answer why he doesn't look at you the same...well, you cheated on him and he probably doesn't know if he can trust you anymore or maybe even wonders if you care about him/love him or if you even like men at all.
And to answer why he doesn't look at you the same...well, you cheated on him and he probably doesn't know if he can trust you anymore or maybe even wonders if you care about him/love him or if you even like men at all.
He has gone to strip club with the guys.... and I dont care!
And I wouldnt be jealous if he made out with a man.. I'd probably question why? its a lot more accepted for girls to kiss girls..
Do you think its his insecurities that are ruining us? do you think he's controlling or that I'm out of control? and you're right about the debt.. he's a spend aholic and i'm a save aholic..
And I wouldnt be jealous if he made out with a man.. I'd probably question why? its a lot more accepted for girls to kiss girls..
Do you think its his insecurities that are ruining us? do you think he's controlling or that I'm out of control? and you're right about the debt.. he's a spend aholic and i'm a save aholic..
We live together, we have our finances together.. everything...
How do I just go up to him one day and say we need to take a break?
How do I just go up to him one day and say we need to take a break?
You should never have to get someone to say something about you. If they feel it themselves, they will say it. Even if he says it after you insist on it, then it is really not coming from him at all...he is saying it to appease you.
Find a guy who finds you attractive in every way--your looks, personality, etc.
Find a guy who finds you attractive in every way--your looks, personality, etc.
Thanks for your honesty!
Why do you think he doesnt look at me the same way? why is that other guys tell me I'm "so great" but then I have to beat it out of him to say that?
Some days are so unbelievable..
Why do you think he doesnt look at me the same way? why is that other guys tell me I'm "so great" but then I have to beat it out of him to say that?
Some days are so unbelievable..
What you are describing would be a recipe for disaster in a marriage. Try to picture what you are going through now, but magnify it a million times. Marriage only magnifies pre-existing problems and issues. His behavior, his debt and your resentment towards him will all be obstacles in your marriage. Neither of you are truly ready to get married to each other because your life views sound different. The fact that you have days where you want to seek out another relationship with someone else should be a red flag for you. Everyone can have good and bad days but even in the bad days if you truly loved someone you would not even think of another guy--you would be focused on how to make the day a better day with the guy you have.
Don't be in a hurry either to have children because if things didn't work out..just think of the mess with custody arrangements, being a single mom, trying to date as a single mom, etc. And, children also are an added stress on any marriage if you did end up married.
At this point, I would consider taking a break from the relationship and both of you evaluating what you really need, deserve and want in a partner. Don't settle for less and don't rush into something just so that you are not alone. Being alone has its rewards too.
Don't be in a hurry either to have children because if things didn't work out..just think of the mess with custody arrangements, being a single mom, trying to date as a single mom, etc. And, children also are an added stress on any marriage if you did end up married.
At this point, I would consider taking a break from the relationship and both of you evaluating what you really need, deserve and want in a partner. Don't settle for less and don't rush into something just so that you are not alone. Being alone has its rewards too.
Your relationship with him is definitely not marriage material at this time. Heck, it sounds like it's almost barely a relationship, but rather more of a convenience and comfort of knowing you two have each other and can predict and read into each other. You two just know what to expect from each other.
But that doesn't mean that there is a quality relationship that involves love, support (emotional, financial, and physical), security, trust, and understanding.
I'd recommend moving on and getting rid of this guy. Obviously he doesn't trust you and has self-security problems, along with major financial debt. And you seem to be independent and do things that are "for the moment" with little thought into how it might affect others (no offense, just going by what you've posted).
I think you two have just outgrown eachother and your lives are taking different perspectives and directions. That's no big deal, really. You're still young and have a whole lot more life full of changes ahead of you. That's the normal part.
What's not normal, in my opinion, is trying to hold on to something that is not working for your life as it's moving in this new direction. You need someone who is going in that direction with you, not against.
But that doesn't mean that there is a quality relationship that involves love, support (emotional, financial, and physical), security, trust, and understanding.
I'd recommend moving on and getting rid of this guy. Obviously he doesn't trust you and has self-security problems, along with major financial debt. And you seem to be independent and do things that are "for the moment" with little thought into how it might affect others (no offense, just going by what you've posted).
I think you two have just outgrown eachother and your lives are taking different perspectives and directions. That's no big deal, really. You're still young and have a whole lot more life full of changes ahead of you. That's the normal part.
What's not normal, in my opinion, is trying to hold on to something that is not working for your life as it's moving in this new direction. You need someone who is going in that direction with you, not against.
no hurry.. I guess I just feel I'm ready for a child and marriage at times.. than other times I cant stand the guys attitude and just wanna leave.. I know a realtionship takes work..
Lately I've felt angry too.. (I'm not trying to sound "all into myself") but I have been approched 3 times by modeling agencies wanting me to model, friends tell me I'm beautiful.. but getting "wow honey you look great" come out of his mouth is like pully teath.. he doesnt look at me THAT WAY anymore.. and I get angry about that. I feel he should be doing that more than ANY GUY that walks by. The other day 2 older gentelmen came up to my man and shook his hand.. said he was lucky to be with such a beautiful woman.. my man got so mad at ME and said that I was probably giving them the look, and was leading them on... ???
Lately I've felt angry too.. (I'm not trying to sound "all into myself") but I have been approched 3 times by modeling agencies wanting me to model, friends tell me I'm beautiful.. but getting "wow honey you look great" come out of his mouth is like pully teath.. he doesnt look at me THAT WAY anymore.. and I get angry about that. I feel he should be doing that more than ANY GUY that walks by. The other day 2 older gentelmen came up to my man and shook his hand.. said he was lucky to be with such a beautiful woman.. my man got so mad at ME and said that I was probably giving them the look, and was leading them on... ???
Wow. My advice: cancel the wedding, get back on birth control, and take it from there. If you want to stay with him, and him with you, fine. Or break up. But don't get into a marriage with these kind of "attitude problems" and financial debt. That's just asking for a divorce and more debt from lawyer/legal fees.
And don't bring a child into the world with that kind of debt and relationship instability either. A child will not fix things.
What's wrong with waiting for marriage and getting some premarital counseling? Is there a hurry to get married for some reason?
And don't bring a child into the world with that kind of debt and relationship instability either. A child will not fix things.
What's wrong with waiting for marriage and getting some premarital counseling? Is there a hurry to get married for some reason?
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