Am I really a B@#$%?

[concerned_daughter]

My husband of almost 17 years now, HATES me for something I did when I was a teenager.  It will always come up, he can't get over it, and usually during a argument, but everynow and then, he will make a comment, to somehow hurt me.  Today I asked him if he was going to our daughters game, he took it as if I was making him feel guilty (this came out of NOWHERE) then leaves the house and yells thru the window that was opened, you're always trying to make me feel guilty..........i'm going to her game! don't make me feel guilty.................you're the one that has plenty to feel guilty for.It hurt me so much...............i just fell to the ground and could not stop myself from crying, and hoped he wouldn't come back in the house, because he would only get angry to find me crying and t would of escalated to something really big.  There is so much more to this story.  I need to know if he is reacting normally, should I just let me feel that way, angry for something that was before him, i've tried saying that was a long time ago, forget it, but he thinks it's my way of getting out of an argument.

[FxGz]

you know this has nothing to do with the original incident of lying right? in my view, this is a classic case of someone drawing power and control over you. it makes him feel better by making you feel worse. your roles in the relationship are validated each time he uses it to attack and you fall for it.

what to do? stop falling for it.

it's a mean and manipulative thing to do and it devalues you.

here's the Rx:

have him write down, in detail, the extent of the damage and harm done to him caused by your lie.

you read it. in front of him. preferably aloud.

then look at him and as you say "i'm sorry for any harm i've caused you" crumple and tear the paper and then say " this is done, it is over, we shall never speak of this again out of respect for ourselves and our marriage.

how do i know this will work? because it worked on me, a once-upon-a-time P R I C K. it gave me, in a weird way, permission to lay down the sword and start growing up.

good luck!

[kjbandme]

this is ridiculous.

how can he be angry NOW for what the 18-year old YOU did?

my hunch is that it's not about 'this' at all... it's the stand-in issue for something else. Either you already know what it is or you need to find out.

and I agree with whoever said the equivalent of 'me thinks thou protests too much'... he's guilty of something and is projecting it on you but all he's got is this ancient history on you so that's the stone he's throwing.

and in answer to your question, yes, you are reacting normally-- for someone who is being emotionally abused... he's punishing you repeatedly for no reason.  

tell him to stop it or else leave.

[SeriousSam]

He is being a jack@$$ particularly if it is from that far back and I assume you have no diseases.  After 17 years any noncontinuing behavior short of murder should be forgiven, besides which he wasn't part of your life at that time... Unless.... He is the father of your kids right?

[therese83]

I am not saying you did any wrong you didnt.  He is wrong.  But I just thought it would be helpful to see his point.

Why dont you have a ceremony where you try to close the book?

Talk about it one lst time and say goodbye to it.

[katarina777]

And did he apologize for reading your journal? Telling the truth is not always the right thing to do, and especially not if it hurts another. She did not tell him the truth for a good reason. but reading her journal is a real breech.

[therese83]

Just a different point of view

Did you say sorry for lying to  him.  

I had a problem.  I couldnt get over something my husband did and I went into therapy.  My therapist said it is because my husband never truly apologised.  He never showed remorse.  

I am getting over it now that he has apologised,

[katarina777]

What do you think is on his mind when he says you are always trying to make him feel guilty. Do you understand what's behind that? is it true in any way?

[katarina777]

Listen to RockRose. She got it right. I first thought marriage therapy, but RockRose I think has it figured out even better.
But whatever, I think therapy or counseling is what is needed. A third person to help with perspective and also as a witness.
What you did is not that terrible at all, and in a way, it was a loving thing to say that to your husband.

[Agiesmom]

What RR said.

And I'm also wondering if he hasn't found a "hot button" with you that he enjoys hitting when he wants to upset you or get you to stop upsetting him.  Is your relationship good other than him bringing up this when he's upset about something?  Is he hurtful and thoughtless in other ways?

Regardless--he needs counseling.

[KATE535]

***-for-tat may be what you see me saying but this man, I don't think, has any idea how ridiculous he is being, and needs SHOWING what he's like. What may start as ***-fot-tatting ie. arguments and contrary opinions, could lead to backing down from each corner. Play him at his own game. Sometimes realsing how you treat another person comes from being treated that way yourself. Haven't you heard the expression to 'treat others the way you would like to be treated' ? It doesn't exist for nothing. He needs a taste of his own medicine because he is horrible to her, and deliberately intending to make her suffer.
I say give it back to him !! See how he likes it !! And perhaps then he might realise what a b**tard he has been for the last 17 years.

[Jaybay]

I'm afraid I did not make my point well enough to be understood.  I wish for the original poster to not allow her husband's emotional abuse to destroy her.  So far, it is not in her power to make him stop.  Playing ***-for-tat will not make the situation any better nor make him understand how wrong his behavior truly is.  

It takes a great deal of fortitude to withstand daily emotional blows of this sort, and that is why I brought up counseling.  The husband WANTS the reaction he is getting.  She is taking his bait and running with it.  He wants to see her sink into despair and pain.  Maybe it's only my contrary personality, but I would never give that satisfaction to such a man.  The OP did nothing wrong, and she has nothing to to feel guilty about.  My hope is that counseling for her will help her realize those facts and not let her husband's abuse continue to harm her emotional health.  Continuing the fight will not help anyone.

[KATE535]

It's one of those things you can't understand unless you're put through it yourself. It's a little unfair to tell some one to pull their socks up and grow up. What is happening here is nothing less than emotional abuse.
17 years of the same old argument, the same old emotional torture, being branded those things,... for a Fib (a white lie to made it easier for her to say at the time). It takes a lot to be strong, I think, when someone has done that to you for the last 17 years.
Falling to the floor IS 'having enough' but also it is feeling like 'what more can I do'- she is in despair, and I can understand why. She has been grinded down by the way he treats her because of the fib all those years ago. To hear reference to again from him will knock her off her feet because each time he emtionally abuses her about it, and I'm sure it's been 100's of times, he chips away at her, making her suffer, the topic has become unbearable...

concerned..daughter, I think it's fair to say you've been made to suffer more than you deserve for this. I agree with some of the comments - that you need to start thinking about yourself now. Start believing you are not a bad person for this. His emotional tormenting shows he is the one who deserves punishing now. Start doing to him what he's done to you - punish him with remarks of guilt that he has made your entire marriage miserable because of the way he has treated you. Exaggerate the guilt, as he has done to you. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Perhaps then he will see how wrong he is in all this.

[Jaybay]

I agree with catie.  It's time for you to talk to your husband like a grown woman and stop acting like a child every time he throws one of his verbal arrows your way.  I guarantee he loves to see you dissolve, and that will only perpetuate the problem.

You're going to have to grow a backbone and stand up to him.  I don't mean getting in his face and screaming at him either.  If he does his thing on his way out the door, then let him!  Find a time later to talk about it and keep your cool.  If he pulls this act in front of your daughter, that needs to be nipped in the bud PDQ.

I also agree with the others that counseling is in order for both of you.  He probably won't want to go, but save yourself and be the example by going first.  Somebody has to take the first step in saving your marriage, and it appears you are elected.

[RockRose]

I think your husband needs to go into therapy,  by himself,  this isn't a couples therapy issue,  this is his own problem.

What you did was before you met,  around 20 years ago.  There is something wrong with him,  really,  that he can't get over it and he's torturing you all the time some 17 years later.  

He needs to come to terms with what the problem is,  within himself,  not within the relationship,  and decide either to take the path of healing or you can divorce him.  

Enough of him punishing you and yelling that you are trying to make him feel guilty.  At this point,  he's totally "stuck" in this rage and isn't moving forward.

Shove him into moving forward or tell him he can visit his kids on odd weekends.

Best wishes.

[nobama]

It was your first sex partner, your husband was your first MARRIAGE, and THAT is what he should be focusing on.  Yep, it is insecurity.

[mami1323]

I agree, these men are so insecure but it has nothing to do with you or what you did.  You were most likely embarrassed by the number and didn't feel like he needed to know.  He needs to get over it.

[AHP84]

I see this as more and more of a lack of self-confidence in him. That's nothing bad, but it's not helping anything. This issue is his own issue.
Just because you had a "first love" doesn't mean you found a "lasting love." He is the one who won you, who has you as his wife. He is the man you chose to share the rest of your life with, not the other guy. You may have loved another person first, but that love died. It's no longer a part of your life and never will be anymore. He is the one whom you found and committed your love to for the rest of your lives. What's more significant than that?
I had my first love too. So many of us do. Very, very seldomly does anyone ever marry and stay married to their first love, and only love. We grow older and mature, and generally grow apart from our first love and almost never marry our first love.
I was with my high school relationship from age 14-22. I have a child with him. I genuinely thought I loved him and would share the rest of my life with him, but thank God it didn't work out and we realized that (or rather, I realized that) before we got married. But there was a time when I thought he was my everything.
I met the man I love now last year, and he is the only other person in my life whom I've felt a love for that's even deeper than what I felt for my ex. My boyfriend knows I have a past that has left me with TONS of baggage. He also knows about the one other brief relationship I had before I met him, and how that's even more of a regret to me than the relationship I had with my ex. But his focus is on what he and I have together, not what I had with someone else.
I think the most you can do for your husband is to keep re-emphasizing that HE was the one you married and HE's the one you have loved with a sancified committment for the last 17 years. Whether or not he thinks you knew what you were doing in your past or if you dream about your first love is beside the point, because you've stayed committed to him and loved him, and chose him over anyone else.
Oh and by the way, I still dream about my ex from time to time, and let me tell you, those dreams are never pleasant. They're always extremely bitter and regretful--just like I feel about the relationship. I haven't had a pleasurable dream about him in so many years, I can't even remember when the last time was. And I think the only reason I still dream about him from time to time is because he's still a part of my life through our child.

[concerned_daughter]

no never an affair!!!!

it was really three
but it's the first person, that really gets to him (he hates him)
the whole first love thing, is something he cant get over
it kills him, and i do feel bad for lying to him
and sometimes i think i deserve what he is saying to me, for hurting him
and lying to him.  I was his first, so maybe that has way more to do with it, i understand
but sometimes i just wanna say....GET OVER IT!
i once told him i was young, and stupid and didn't know what i was doing, and BELIEVE me, i regret it, i sometimes think, i can't even believe i was interested in that person!
but he believes,  that i knew what i was doing, and if i was grown enough to make an adult decision (like have sex) then i knew knew what i was doing, and that i probably still dream about my first love ...............I DON'T, but he doesn't listen to that

[AHP84]

I can see why he'd be angry when he found it, but to keep bringing it up for years is ridiculous.
You're right, you were a different person in high school, less mature, and figuring out who you were.
For goodness sake, you've been married to your husband for 17 years. I'm assuming you haven't had an affair since you married him, so...so what if you had mor than one partner in high school?
I mean, is it THAT bad that he can't get over this? Is it so bad to the extent that you lied about it being one partner when it was really a large, double digit number and you had a reputation as a sl*t or something? Or was it reasonable for an 18 year old...nothing you wouldn't expect from any other average 18 year old?
If that's the case, he has definitely got issues with a guilty conscience about something or a major lack of self-confidence, or both.

[concerned_daughter]

i lied to him about the number of partners i had in high school
i told him 1, when we first met, when i was 18
yes....i should of elaborated
he too found a journal of mine when we were clearing up my moms garage a year and a half ago, after she passed away.  he found it in a box, took it without me knowing and read it.  he was angry, and with in reason, but i apologized for my immaturity
i'm a completly different person now, but it surfaces everytime, and he says very hurtful things to me

[AHP84]

It also sounds like he has a major lack of self-confidence. So to make himself feel more confident, he takes out his frustrations on you and takes control of his emotions AND yours by getting angry and arguing with you for crying and feeling confused and hurt from him being so accusational.

[AHP84]

Sounds like he's so obsessed with guilt and defensive about it that he actually IS guilty of something.
Whatever it is that you did, it was years ago and before you met him, is that right? Then what is his problem with it? How could it have "hurt him?"
I don't want to pry if you don't want to tell, but this doesn't make much sense. If you feel comfortable enough to elaborate, would you please?

[mami1323]

I don't know if your question can be answered.  There is nothing to go on.  We don't know what you did in your past that is making him feel this way so it's hard to say he is overreacting.  Although, I had a fling on vacation before I met my fiance and once he read my journal and found out about it.  He couldn't get over the fact that I had a fling.  He said he saw me differently and hates hearing about my vacations because of what I had done.  He also threw out all of my pictures from those trips.  It was ridiculous because I didn't even know him at the time, I was single and I wasn't hurting anyone.  I was 24 years old, heck, I was capable of having a fling if I wanted to.  But he still to this day, 5 1/2 years later, does not want to even think or hear about it.