Stepdaughter wants to move in with us yet again..!

[DollFacePR]

Ok, here it goes...My husband comes home today with the news that his oldest daughter wants to move with us to NY...., Let me give you a background...My stepdaugher, who is now 22, was in a very bad relationship. She started with the guy when she was 18, but he turned out to be very abusive. After a bad fight, where he grabbed her neck, and try to choke her, we decided to help her by bringing her to live with us in Puerto Rico, she was living on Tampa. We were working on helping find a job, go back to school and even psychological help to break the violence cycle. Well, only 5 months after she came to live with us, she moved back with her mom to Atlanta and ended back again with the guy. Even worst, she married the guy and got pregnant. During the time that she was living with us her mom didnt help at all, not financially, not emotionally.....nothing. I dont judge her, i was upset bcs she went back to a guy that treated like..S"it///

Well, recently it got so bad that she ended up calling the police, and moving to an abused women shelter with her daughter and now she's pregnant again. Her mom is the one helping her...but now she called her father to see is she could come to live with us..! I was very patient when she lived with us in PR, when she didnt picked up after herself and eventhough was at home most of the day, when she waited for me or her father to come home to see what was for dinner..! It got so bad sometimes that work was a relief...

Now we're here in a 2 bedroom apartment, with enough space for the two of us, getting used to this new place for us, looking forward for warm weather to explore the city, with me trying to find a job, my husband getting used to his new role in the company and TTC....I think that's stress enough to add my stepdaughter, the grandaughter and the new baby on the way....! Arggggghhhh................I love my husband but I dont think I could deal with this, she's ok where she's at, her mom is helping her, even offering to have her stay in her house after she's done with the treatment at the shelter. I know she wants to be far away from the guy, but we dont have the space nor the financial means to help her at this time, as I mentioned I'm still looling for a job.

My husband as a father feels bad and wants to help her, and I'm ok with helping her, I dont want anything more than seeing her being self suficient, free from the abusive husband, and able to provide for her and her kids. But my husband is not being honest to himself and others about our current situation, and in all honesty, I dont want to sound selfish, but I could not have her in our house...., there enough space for the two of us, but thats it, one kid maybe, two a little crouded, but and adult and two kids..!

Sorry so long, I just needed to vent..!

[specialmom]

Ah.  I'm so glad!!  It is fine to have boundaries in life.  It keeps us sane!  good luck

[DollFacePR]

Thank you for taking the time to read my vent and gave me such good feedback. I ended up talking with my husband and we both came to the agreement that we're not in a financial and fisical position to help her this time. She has the help of her mother and the shelter, plus she has so many things to work before thinking of moving anywhere, and her dad agrees with that too. So for now, I regained peace in my home.

Thank you ladies..!

[specialmom]

What a difficult position to be in.  I sure feel for ya!  

I will often write that bio parents have a responsibility to their kids that supercedes a second marriage.  However,  this is not a minor child we are talking about and you have already opened your home to her and tried to help.  So I do no think it is necessary for you to have her and her children come and live with you.  

I'll take it one step further------------  I'd not do that in a million years.  You DO have a lot going on and it is too much to ask of you to live with her.  She is recoverying (from what) which means she is not well yet and will still be "at risk" at your home.  She hasn't had anyone really convey to her that she can't live her life this way thus far.  She is a grown woman making horrible choices for herself and now her poor child and child to be.  She needs to be treated like an adult with expectations of her to act like it.  

I think it would be wonderful if someone would talk to her about giving this second child up for adoption.  Adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing in which a family that yearns for a child is able to have one.   If she were self sufficient in any way, maybe a second child would be something she could handle but clearly she is not.  So it would be a wonderful thing if someone could present the information on adoption to her.  

I'd think that she needs to make some type of attempt at working.  I don't know if just moving in with mom or anyone is going to set the tone for this girl to change her life around.  But what will be will be with that.  Just NOT at your house.  

Have a heart to heart with your husband and tell him that you can not emotionally handle this.  You have your limits.  He may feel guilty but she IS an adult.  

I don't envy your position here but definately see your point that her coming to live with you is too much to ask.  good luck

[RockRose]

Does your apartment complex have occupancy limits?  I wonder if 3 adults and two children might be outside how many can live permanently in a two bedroom unit.