Had a one night stand with a guy in relationship. Feeling guilty

[Onenightterrified]

Hi, Everyone 2 nights ago I had a one night stand with a guy that is in a long term relationship. We started talking through a dating app. He messaged first because he remembered when we were talking for a brief period last month. He did told me he has a girlfriend, but he made it seem as if she was a friend. I did not find out how serious they were until I came upon his social media account. I confronted him about it and he told me how confused he was about being in a relationship with her. I stopped talking with him for 2 days, but he contacted me again explaining how the sex is terrible with her. (I was looking for just a friend with benefits because I recently got out of a relationship with my fiance). I tried my hardest to fight the urge to sleep with him, but it happened. When were done, I felt so embarrassed that when he was in the shower I put on my clothes and left. He text me later that night and I told him that I am going to block his number. I woke up yesterday morning and tried to contact him and even threatening that I will tell his GF because I felt bad for going off on him the that I did. He did not respond to any of my texts.
FYI: When I found out about GF, I sent her a message on Facebook, but she did not respond. The message was sent she just never got it.

Should I tell GF or just move on with life

[AnnieBrooke]

I think the part where you Facebooked his girlfriend was beyond the limit of decency.  What were you trying to accomplish?  All else, well, it took two to tango and nobody tied him up with rope and dragged him to have sex with you, he was as culpable as you were. But you sound like you have no idea of how painful it can be when someone who has no respect for relationships crosses the path of a couple and blasts the couple up and doesn't seem to understand that it might hurt them. You did a real disservice to them as a couple and gave yourself some bad karma too.  You say the girlfriend didn't get the post you sent, but if you sent it to her Facebook account she probably did, even if she deleted it.  I'm sorry for her, suddenly someone writes her out of the blue sounding like a crazy woman, trying to use her to apologize to her boyfriend for walking off without saying anything after having sex with him.  What were you really trying to do, get her to understand her boyfriend was cheating on her so you could have him?  And what would that get you, a sorry-*** boyfriend who cheats?  

You said you went for this particular guy because you needed male companionship. There being, of course, no other males in the world who would be glad to have no-strings-attached sex with you.  I think you should talk to a counselor and assess why you choose who you choose, and why you think you need male companionship when you don't seem to be doing very well with it.  Even with the hurt you have caused, it seems even more important that what you come out of this episode with is a better understanding of why you are making terrible relationship decisions. You sure don't want to do this over and over again in one form or another the rest of your life.

[AnnieBrooke]

I guess that what I wrote sounds cruel or unforgiving or mean, but what I meant it as, is you have a wake-up call here.  You did something pretty outrageous.  This is your big chance to never do it again, to work out why on earth, with all the men in the world to sleep with, you picked someone whose life you could ruin.  A counselor is a super good idea, so you can figure out what compels you to make bad decisions about men, and to make worse decisions after the first bad decision.  You don't need this in your life, you don't deserve this kind of imbalance, you deserve like all people to love yourself and act from a firm moral grounding and be happy and to make others happy.  If you do talk to a counselor until you figure out why you had a fiance and now do not and then went after a committed guy and blew his world up, you will never have to do this (or anything this out-there) again.

[Nighthawk61]

Hi there, thanks for posting. I'm glad that you have the capacity to care enough about others and yourself to know that hooking up with someone in a relationship is wrong. You're a good person that made a mistake and that's why you're feeling guilt. Though it's uncomfortable to feel guilt , it's a great sign that you do. How to handle guilt? After disappointing yourself by making a poor choice that has harmed you and others, how to move on as easily as possible and feel confident that you have learned a valuable lesson that will stop you from the insanity of repeating harmful mistakes?

From experience, i find the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous a proven course of action for acting with accountability and moving on as easily from hardship as is possible. While there is a Religious or Spiritual element in the steps, those who are not comfortable with the God concept are advised to use it as an acronym, for Good Orderly Direction.

I'll include the steps here. Obviously a person with substance abuse problems would use these steps moreso than yourself, however it might help you to go through the steps that you find relevant. Step 5 talks about sitting down with a therapist.  I hope this might help. All the best to you.

1. We  admitted  we  were  powerless  over  alcohol
—that  our  lives  had  become  unmanageable.
2. Came  to  believe  that  a  Power  greater  than  ourselves  could  restore  us  to  sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives
over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects  of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made  a  list  of  all  persons  we  had  harmed,  and  became  willing  to  make  amends to them all.
9. Made  direct  amends  to  such  people  wherever  possible,  except  when  to  do  so would injure them or others.
10. Continued  to  take  personal  inventory  and  when  we  were  wrong  promptly admitted it.
11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve
our conscious contact with God as we understood Him
, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12.  Having  had  a  spiritual  awakening  as  the  result  of  these  steps,  we  tried  to  carry  this  message  to  alcoholics,  and  to  practice  these  principles  in  all  our  
affairs.

[Nighthawk61]

Upon reflection, and in particular your saying that you had "need" of having a male in your life (at all times regardless of whether it's a good or bad match), it got me thinking that maybe Sexaholics Anonymous could help you (It is a recovery program based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous).

While it may not be necessary for you to be "sober" or not have sex outside of marriage, it might help you to keep to certain boundaries, ie. men in relationships?

It' says " And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust" (Sexaholics Anonymous, 191-192).

I'm hoping that even perusing the site may help you to "just say no" when it would hurt you or others.

I wish you all the best and hope that you can move on from this with understanding and peace.

[specialmom]

So, that was not my point at all!  We shouldn't be punished for our mistakes but learn from them.  It's a little concerning that the need for male company drove you to this situation.  I really think you need to seek the help of a counselor to talk through what is going on with you.  We all make mistakes but your reactions are so back and forth.  call me, don't call me, I'll call your girlfriend, etc. seems like you are struggling.   Leave the guy 100 percent alone.  And definitely leave his girlfriend alone.  And sort out HOW it happened.  Not to punish yourself but to do some much needed introspection so you can not make this kind of decision in the future.  so you can move on and be headed in a positive path. Definitely do not date for a bit.  good luck

[specialmom]

Gotta ask you why you are messaging and talking to and getting chummy with a guy who says they are in a long term relationship on a dating app.  Doesn't that tell you a lot about the guy?  Doesn't that seem like a recipe for disaster? Why did you choose to put yourself in that situation? You have to be responsible for your own decisions and that you made them isn't his fault.  He put it out there and you took it.  

And that you say I'm going to block your number and then contact him.  Threatening him. Trying to contact his girlfriend?  All of this sounds like unstable behavior, if I am being honest.  

No, don't tell his girlfriend.  That's none of your business.  And maybe there is a chance he will learn from this as a mistake and never repeat it and they will marry and be happily ever after.  Who knows.  Who cares.  Not your concern.  You just take care of you.

and you have to ask yourself why you did this.  BTW, this sort of kind of proves why friends with benefits NEVER really works.  One side gets emotionally attached and begins to act out.  

Try not dating at all for a period of time to clear your head.  good luck

[Onenightterrified]

Hi, and thanks a lot for your response. I  got close to him because I needed a male presence being that my ex left. You're right and I agree with your response. I feel like I should be punished for what I did