Trust

[PassionFlower09]

How do you trust someone who lies to you? My husband, has been lying to me about  a relationship, supposedly platonic, he has been having with a female since Aug. Now he claims that he doesn't speak to her and that he is not lying anymore. Now he expects me to just not be upset and move on. But it is really hard. Some days for me  are good, others are bad. It seems like every other day I start to think about the lies he told , I get upset, and confront him.  So every other day, we argue because I mention the lies he has told, or I ask him if he has spoken to her or seen her. But It is just really hard to trust again Especially when he on so many occasions looked me in the eye and lied to me without blinking. Imagine you know that someone has been lying to you and when you confront them they call you crazy.Then you find out later that they really were lying. I just feel as if I have no more forgiveness to give- the well is dry. I gave him so many opportunities to tell me the truth.

It is just so stressful and heart breaking. I don't know if things will ever be the same.

[mami1323]

It's very hard to trust someone who has lied.  Believe me, I know.  I don't think you will ever trust the way you used to once that has been broken.  You can rebuild a relationship but it takes a lot of hard work.  Even then, you will always have those thoughts in the back of your mind that he may be lying.  Your husband had an emotional affair and that's not an easy pill to swallow.  Here are what I believe are your options....you can 1. go to counseling if you choose to stay with your husband, 2. since you have decided to work things out, you must try your hardest to let it go and move forward, especially if he's trying his hardest to be trustworthy and 3. leave him and move on.  You can combine 1 and 2 as well.  By constantly bringing up his lies, you are just reliving what he did day in and day out, that will not help your marriage.  It will make him irritated because you can't let it go and give him a chance and it will just bring the anger back for you and won't allow you to progress forward in a positive way.  He can't take back what he did but he can continue to prove to you that he wants to make the marriage work.  It's up to you to give him that chance if you decide that's what you want to do.  You can control your own happiness here.  You just have to let go and know that your relationship will never be the same, but it can be great again, you both just have to work at that.  He's not going to be the man he was before, but you have to accept that and try to deal with who he is now.  Or you can get a divorce and attempt to be happy without him.

[imanaddict]

That's the price he has to pay for being an unfaithful liar! I have absolutely NO pity for someone who whines about their spouse questioning their every move after something like that. He brought it on himself and HE needs to be the one kissing your feet instead of complaining that you are questioning his every move. I hate to burst his little bubble, but that's what he gets!

Your relationship will most likely never be the same but if you do want to work on it, counseling will be in the cards. He needs to figure out what was going through his head to make him be unfaithful and then you two need to work on it together. It's going to take time and a TON of work for both of you. You will need to ask yourself "Is he really worth it?"  

I've been where you are and once I left him and moved on I was free to find a man who truly loved me. The difference in how each man treated me is night/day and I am so glad I woke up one day and said forget this!! It took me 7 years to make that call though and I wish I hadn't wasted that much time with someone who couldn't keep it in his pants but we go down our paths in life for a reason and my son was that reason. I realized that if a man is cheating on you, he does truly love you. True love is a wonderful experience and all that junk doesn't exist when it's the real deal.

I hope everything works out for you and please keep us posted.

[specialmom]

Oh, lying and affairs of the heart outside of one's marriage are so hurtful and destructive.  I'm sorry you have to go through the pain of that.

I would, however, think about this marriage.  What problems existed before this happened in August.  What are the problems between you two that you can work on.  This is hard because now you are the wronged party.  You have vindication on your side-----  but the marriage had issues for this to happen.  If he had instead of straying----  come to you and say "I'm not happy right now."  You would have just worked on the marrital issues.  His emotional affair (or whatever it was) was basically saying this.  So, if you do decide to stay married to him and do counseling, I'd think about that and make that part of the plan.

I don't think, by the way ANTHING justifies cheating.  Ever. Period.  End of story. So don't get me wrong.  He screwed up big time and you're doubting him and his honesty is normal.  Looking a spouse in the eye and lying takes a lack of character.  So, you will never feel the same about this man.  He showed you that he CAN betray you without a thought.  He showed that he CAN drop the seriousness of your marriage vows when he feels like it.  So, I think you can tell him that you do have trust issues now and you aren't going to just get over them.  You don't have to slap him in the face with it at every turn------  but communicating your doubts is  honest.  I'd be honest, if it were me.  One thing I've seen couples do will sound wacky.  The wounded party thought about something that the other LOVED to death (a boat, motorcycle, the title to the house, whatever) and they made the other party sign a contract that if they are caught lying, the deed goes over into your name.  If someone is serious about not lying and being faithful-----  they will sign that.  If they hesitate-----  that isn't a good sign.  If I were trying to save my marriage after I screwed up, I'd do whatever the other person wanted me to.  

So, I'd consider couples counseling (which will not be a walk in the park as he will be in the hot seat for what he did and you may not hear things you like), improving communication, forgiving him if you are staying (as the other's said-----  it won't be the same, but you have to forgive to move on), and maybe that contract for extra reassurance.  I wish you a lot of luck. That is all very difficult to deal with and painful.

[teko]

I think the lying to your face is just as bad as the cheating. I say, no more second chances, no counseling, no notta. OUT!  

[Judy246]

Let's break this down. Maybe seeing from someone elses perspective:

* Issue is trust (Red flag)
* Husband had an affair (adultery). Stated platonic, but since he admited to lying, it
  was an affair (Red flag)\
* Husband claims the relationship is over and that he is not lying anymore (He admitted
  to lying right there in the statement).
* He is an adulterer, dishonest, untrustworthy, liar, opportunist, selfish, and high risk
  for future infidelity and possibly bring home STD's. Who is he kidding and he dares
  tell you to stop being angry and move on. I don't think so.
* You anger and feeling of unsettlement is completely justifiable.
* The foundation of a relationships are based on respect, communication and trust and
  he crossed the line, by committing infidelity. Once trust is broken, it's very difficult to
  regain, but possible, so there is hope, but it's all up to you. The ball is in your court on
  what will happen in this relationship.

You did absolutely nothing wrong and his unexceptable behavior is not your fault, so do not blame yourself. You are an innocent victim here. He has also show you his true colors and his is high risk for infidelity, so you do have options. You can both go to either a marriage counselor or priest who are trained professionals to counsel marriages in trouble and to get to the root of the problems. You can show him his behavior will not be tolarated, inexcusable and unexceptable and seperate if he will not go to marriage counseling. You can make all efforts to forgive him. To forgive is a gift and I is divine. Not everyone can forgive and it takes a very special person to look past human faults, or never trust him again and file for a divoce. I do wish you luck and you do have many options, but remember that once trust has been broken, it's very difficult to build up again, but never permit him to ever disrespect you with infidelity again. Good luck,Judy

[lovemykids465]

I have been where you are. I found about my husbands emotional affair the first week of August. I know your pain but we have decided to work through it. It has been 4 and 1/2 months and things are much better. I will say it was hard and I did make things worse by constantly  bringing it up. He did allow me to vent and even knows why I am angry and realizes I do not trust him so he has made every effort to appease me but there are times he gets annoyed because I am still hurt but he understands. If you are willing to give it an other chance it will take work and time but it is achievable. My husband has given me his passwords to his email and fb accounts as well as the phone bill on line. I still check them periodically but not as often. I do question numbers on the bill but he understands. I am praying for you.

[PassionFlower09]

Thanks to everyone.

I am still having difficulty.

Lovemykids465- I don't think he gets it. He still keeps those ******* telephone numbers in his phone, which he hides from  me. He acts as if I am the one who errored. He was supposed to be my friend, and he  treated me this way. Honestly,  I want him to be as hurt as I am.

EVERY day is a struggle for me. I am split: I love him and I hate him for this. I don't believe he will stop talking to this person.  Right now I am just broken.

I wish I were as fortunate as you lovemykids465. Believe me, I gave him so many changes. I just want my old life back- I don't think it is possible anymore.

[bigblues101]

Just leave him since its not working out for you or throw every single phone number away or deleted it and tell him to leave the house and don't come back.

[lovemykids465]

I am so sorry. I know your pain. I still feel it at times. I do not know if it will ever go away. Yesterday was a bad day for me too. I called him at work and I could hear her voice in the background. Really pissed me off. ( She works with him, she was trying to get him to sign off on some papers and was mad he was mad that he was on the phone and making her wait she was complaining) Any way bought back the feelings again.Went to a christmas party and found myself watching him to see if he was looking at any other woman ( was not ) but was mad that he was not giving me the attention I wanted ( I know that sounds shallow) any way caused a fight when we got home b/c when home he decided to pay bills and watch TV so I just went to bed. When he came up I threw it all up in his face again. I do not know why. Decided after holiday we would try a trial separation. But he called me crying from work today saying that is not what he wants and he realizes he is not there for me emotionally the way I need him to be. It really was just me being a *****. I have my days but he is patient with me. I did delete all the #'s out of his phone and still check.

If your husband is not remorseful or willing to meet your needs you may need to separate. Maybe it will wake him up but it may not you have to know when it is time to leave. Check out Mort Fetel on line. may help you.

[PassionFlower09]

lovemykids465,

Thanks. I know exactly how you feel. I am feeling the same thing.  It is so hard.  Did you go to counseling?  I will check out Mort Fetel.

I am sorry to hear that you husband works with that harlot.  I hope everything works out for you.  You seem  very strong, and you give me strength.

PF

[jo929]

Of course you have a hard time trusting him after what he has done, but have you forgiven him and decided to stay, if so i agree with miami you are going to have to quit bringing it up all of the time, or he will get tired and just leave if you want to leave leave and if you want to stay try not to bring it up, and just hope that he stays a good husband  luck  jo

[PassionFlower09]

Or I could do exactly what he has done.

PF

[mami1323]

What would that resolve? Its not going to make you feel any better or any less betrayed. All it will do is add more drama and problems to this relationship. If you chose to stay than go to counseling. If you aren't happy and don't think this marriage will work than leave. Revenge cheating never helps the situation it just makes it worse.

[PassionFlower09]

Mami1323,

I know you are correct. However, I would really like a friend of my own right now. That use to be my husband.

PF

[mami1323]

So get a girlfriend. You don't need to stoop to his level. If he is not meeting your needs than leave him and then you are available to meet someone else. u know how you feel believe me, my fiancé had a 2 year affair so I understand when you say you lost a friend. I had those thoughts of hurting him just like he did me but it wouldn't be me. Plus I allowed him to look bad and didn't make myself look equally bad. You have the power to make your own decisions just make sure that you can still look at yourself in the mirror and like who you are.

[PassionFlower09]

Mami 1323,

Thanks for the reminder; I am nominating you as my conscious. : )

P.F.

[mami1323]

Anytime. You are not alone and your thoughts are completely normal. You've been hurt and when that happens you want them to feel the same pain. I have made my relationship work but it took a lot of hard work and I still struggle. Its still a new pain for you so it will take time. Good luck!

[drh_90]

im sorry that he lied and cheated on u. he needs to understand that u have been on an emotional rollercoaster with the mess he has made. but u need to figure out is he going to be faithful and trustworthy to you. if he is try to to accuse him all the time. dont trust him til ur ready but if there is an issue that makes past issues be brought up do it in a way where ull b able to get ur point across as why u r asking these questions so hell understand that u r trying to trust him and he wont get all defensive where u think hes trying to hide something. see how its a vicious cycle that repeats itself? good luck to you both

[lovemykids465]

Yes, we did get a bit of counsel  but the web site helped me more. We did get a marriage work book too that we did together that helped alot. I agree if you want to work it out try not to bring it up so much. It only hurts you in the long run. I know what you mean about the friend thing. My husband was my BF i thought. I think that hurt even more. If you need to talk or even vent this is a great place to do it. I found myself having violent thoughts toward both of them so I just spent more time at the gym. Payed off in two ways. I wish I could say things will get better soon but it is a daily struggle of ups and downs but it does get better with time if you choose to forgive and let go. You will never forget and neither should he but you can not be his conscious. Believe me I tried it made things worse. Let time heal .

[PassionFlower09]

Well all of this did give me a wake-up call. I am not so  naieve
anymore. Sad to say, I learned the hard way. I guess I needed this lesson.

[PassionFlower09]

Happy Holidays,

I am trying to stay Cheerful...

PF

[PassionFlower09]

My husband has apologized and asked me to forgive him for lying. She says he only helped this girl,and nothing else happened.

I don't know if I can. I for gave him so many times. And for my trust he just lied to me. Now I am the point where I don't know if I can forgive him. I just don't know. It is very painful because I feel like I have lost my best friend. Every time I get close to forgiving him and feeling normal, I become afraid that he will betray me and lie again.

[PassionFlower09]

I look at him, and I think "you are lying to me and I really don't know how far anything went". I don't know anything. It is torture. What a way to start the new year.

[Judy246]

Why don't you both meet with a marriage counselor or a priest to get down to the problems within  your marriage. If that does not work out, you need to do what is best for you and re-evaluate the relationship. He has broken trust and it's very hard to regain. Maybe a counselor might help. I want to wish you a happy, healthy, peaceful New Year. Hang in there!