How would you feel/react??

[wildflower77]

My husband and I drink on the weekends with our friends.  We never drive drunk; either we have a DD or we stay within walking distance of the house.  However, there have been several times when my husband has completely humiliated me.  Some recent examples include dancing on a barstool, chasing a band member (and friend) around the bar, turning the light off on me in IHOP bathroom and leaving me there in the dark to find my way out, and pulling my pants down at the neighbor's house in front of them and another couple.  When I get upset about it, he always gets pissed off and leaves and acts like I am just overreacting.  And it's not just when we're drinking either, although it seems like it's a lot worse then.  He doesn't seem to have the social skills to know when something is appropriate or not.  He's 35 and I am 32.  You would think we would be past this stage in our lives.  What would you do?

[wildflower77]

I can't explain all that has gone on in the last five months in this post.  There's just too much and a lot has changed.  I have gone to counseling myself and in my opinion and my counselor's I am not the real problem here, he is.  She thinks the next step for us is to seek marriage counseling.  I caught him in a lie about week or so ago and he has agreed, but I am leaving it up to him.  I know this all sounds kind of backwards, but it's all explained in my journals.  I don't mind sharing them if it means I can get better advice from someone who knows the whole story.

[specialmom]

Ya know, not sure what to believe here.  Your past posts when coupled with this one are confusing.  There seem to be many unhealthy things going on in your home life with all parties concerned.  Professional help would be an excellent idea.  Good luck.

[peggy64]

It sounds almost as if he has some type of mental problem. I mean pulling someones pants down is just so not normal. I believe you said he was not drinking when he did that.

What have you decided to do?

[jo929]

there are always 2 sides to a coin and we can go only by a post, i do hope things work out for you  luck  jo

[wildflower77]

Thanks for your advice.  It is much appreciated.  :o)

[jo929]

i am sorry if i may have got some of  your former post wrong,i did not mean that you had to marry, but there was nothing mentioned about abuse or i would have ans diferent as i do not believe a man should abuse a woman in any form. also you did not say he was wonderful sorry but about private journals i do not believe in reading private things and will not i believe they are for the one person and that is you it would be like invading someones privacy if it was published and on the market or a public journal i would read and comment, but not on anything private  no offense intended just my being to blunt i guess sorry  jo as for this post his behavior is not normal

[teko]

I think you need to set limits on what you will put up with and limit the drinking if it is causing a problem. Good luk

[wildflower77]

Sorry you just made it sound like I married this wonderful guy because I got knocked up and then decided I wasn't into him and kicked him out.  I had to set that straight.

[wildflower77]

You're right about some of that, however I didn't say I married him because I was pregnant.  I said ONE of the reasons I married him was because we had a child together.  I thought it was the right thing to do.  After posting that and listening to others responses I realized I hadn't taken the time to get to know the real him or MYSELF for that matter.  I've come to believe that one should wait until they are at least 30 to get married.  I was too young and immature at 23.  The part you're leaving out is the ten years of verbal and mental abuse I endured.  Yes, I chose the wrong solution to that but I have since ended the affair.  In the past 5 months I have given him many chances to prove to me that HE is going to change, but I've seen only temporary fixes.  

Don't take the CAPS as attitude, I'm just simply trying to put emphasis on certain words.

[jo929]

I looked and seen all of the posts but have decided not to read them instead i remember your first post as it were yesterday you stated you married your husband because you were pg and that you did not love him but he seemed to be a good provider also that you had cheated and then a later post or the same i am not sure you stated that if you left he would commit suicide, but you were leaning towards leaving and then you posted you put him out and then he was sleeping on divan or couch  lets put that beside because i gave a harsh negative response as most others did i will try and ans this without thinking on former posts.
this is not the actions of a normal person, and i personally would not allow it, also maybe he should leave the alcohol alone also is this a good example to put before the children? maybe he has a problem, and then again if he is not sick maybe you both should quit drinking and do something with the children, but i myself would never give him a second chance to do something like this   luck  jo

[jo929]

i am dumb about computers i still have a problem finding my way around them i have journals but they are for all to see did not know they could be private  that is fine with me tho  jo

[wildflower77]

You have to be one of my friends on here.  I don't keep them public.

[jo929]

I looked at your profile and it said no journals yet  jo

[wildflower77]

Yes, jo.  You can read thru my journals to refresh your memory.  :o)

[jo929]

your name soinds familiar have you posted here before  luck  jo

[younggrandmother]

He is despicable, your his wife and you deserve respect from him. He need's to STOP drinking if he can't handle the liquor. maybe you can have someone video tape him when he is acting like a fool, and then show him when he is sober. I'm sure this will be very embarrassing, and a eye opener.How do his friends fill about his behavior, if one of his friends tells him what a fool he is when he is drinking, it might have more of a impact then when it comes form you. Good Luck          

[Judy246]

I agree, he's very inmature for his age, but I'm sure people see right thru him also.

[raquelplus2]

yes that is very disrespectfull and rude  playing around is one thing but pulling your pants down i mean thats ridiculous. i would def print this out and show him that your not the only one thinking hes rude and acting immature  thats the behavior of like a 18 or 21 yr old getting beyond wasted not a grown *** 35 yr old man for sure.

[Judy246]

I would never tolerate that type of behavior from my husband if I were married. His behavior is in very poor taste, down right rude, disrespectful and offensive. That won't happen to me, because if it did, i wouldn't take it and I'd be his worst nightmare :) Judy

[specialmom]

I agree with the others.  When does funny cross the line into total disrespect and disregard for your spouse?  I think I'd let him know that it won't happen anymore in ultimatum style.  His reaction after he does it is almost as bad as doing it.  Who wants to humiliate their loved one?  It may be too late to save------  but I'd want him to go to counseling with me just so he could hear me say and a counselor back me up that that is ridiculous.  Alcohol may play a bigger role than you think too, I'm afraid.  I'd maybe try a dry weekend of haning out and see how it goes.  Good luck

[iam1butterfly]

It's extremely childish and out of control behavior and, the kind of actions that one would expect to see in a highly insecure, needy...attention starving person. I suspect that he has deeply rooted emotional issues that are accentuated, but not caused, by the alcohol. Only he can modify and correct his socially challenged behavior.
If I were in your situation, I would continue to go out and socialize... but, leave the clown at home.

[Jennifer1987]

Wow, thats horrible... He seems to be a bit of an attention seeker!!! Ask him how would he feel if you pulled his pants down in front of friends!!! Im sure he'd see that its not acceptable!!! or better yet do it.... Ok no Im only messing with that one, dont lower urself to that level!!!

I think you should ignore him when hes out, stay clear of him, have the crack with your friends and not bother with his childish antics!!!  maybe he likes gettin a reaction out of you?

[wildflower77]

My counselor told me she thinks we should go to counseling together, too.  I just don't know if I even want to fix things at this point.  I guess that's something I've gotta figure out on my own.

[mami1323]

The only problem with doing individual counseling is that the therapist only goes by what the person says.  So he could be telling him all these things but not hear your side of the story and so they have a one-sided view.  I think doing individual sessions is fine but you also have to add couples counseling into that.  When my fiance and I were going we would alternate couples with individual so we were working on our own issues at the same time we were working on our issues that we had together.